The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 414

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which Elvis enters the building.

Laci: I don’t mean to disparage single parents, but man. “Family”?

Elvis: .oO(It’s mean to disparage single parents.)

Yeah, they don’t ALL stick forks up their noses.

Laci: Say “hello” to your daddy for me! Once he teaches you how.

Laci: Assuming he’s still capable of speech.

Laci: He’s pretty goofy.

Elvis:I’m capable of speech.

And pretty goofy!

Alvin: …Andrew? What Science is this?! Did your de-aging experiments end in unparalleled success/failure?!

Alvin: Oh, wait. There’s my braindeath-green eyes.

Alvin: What’s your name, little guy?
Elvis: Elvis.
Alvin: I know, I do look like Elvis. But what’s your name?

Elvis: ELVIS.
Alvin: You want me to play you some Elvis? I’ll play you some Elvis.


Alvin: I’ll just shorten that to “Elvis,” okay?

Alvin: High five!
Elvis: They sure are!

Alvin: Aw, he’s got his mother’s sense of not doing what I want.

Speaking of want.

Alvin: I do not disagree.

Chris: Pleased to double negative you!

Alvin: I might be double negative, but I’m sex positive!

Alvin: I’m also positive you don’t want to have sex with me.
Chris: It’s not just that hat, if you’re wondering.

Chris: It doesn’t hurt, but nothing could help.

Alvin: That bunny know anything cool?

Alvin: That bunny know about ROCKET SHIPS?
Elvis: The rocket ship goes NEEEEOWWWWW

Elvis: I think you’re asking a lot of this children’s toy.

Alvin: Maybe instead of talking to it, then, you could talk to me!
Elvis: I think you’re asking a lot of me.

Alvin: Yes, well. I’m your parent. That’s what I do.

Alvin: Okay. After me! ♪ Beyond the rim of star-light

Alvin: ♪ My love is wand’ring in star-flight ♪

Alvin: ♪ I know he’ll find in star-clustered reaches ♪

♪ Love, strange love a star-woman teaches ♪

Alvin: ♪ I know his journey ends never ♪

♪ His star trek will go on forever ♪

I doubt this is how most people discover their musical calling.

Alvin: Yeah, nobody ever said Gene Roddenberry was a lyricist.

Except Gene Roddenberry.

Theresa: It’s so hot that you’d call me to obliquely show what a dork you are.

Alvin: I’ll show you a dork.
Theresa: Appropriate!

Theresa: Appropriately inappropriate, anyway.

Alvin: Wanna scar the children?

Alvin: Yeah, it’s CHILDREN now.

Theresa: So Laci gave you the kiss-off, huh?
Alvin: Who? No. Iris!
Theresa: Iris is Laci.
Alvin: Did I know that? I don’t know if I knew that.

Alvin: Oh yeah! Various people aren’t who they’re supposed to be.

That’s a really depressingly accurate way to sum up the past few hundred chapters.

Alvin: What can I say? He peaked with the zombies.


Alvin: I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, babe, but nobody dies of old age in this story.
Theresa: I love it when you notice things.

William Jr: You want to put WHAT inside of me?!

Irvin: Bullets!
William Jr.: Oh! That’s alright, then.

William Jr.: My dad does this to people all the time.

William Jr.: Funny how they never try to dodge.

Theresa: Let’s play strip poker.
Alvin: Fuck poker.
Theresa: …it was your idea to play.
Alvin: No, I mean, let’s play fuck poker.

Theresa: Do you hear something?
Alvin: Sounds like a butler dying.

Alvin: In my defense, a lot of butlers have died.

Alvin: ♪ ‘cuz I’ve got faith – of the heart! ♪
Theresa: NO

Alvin: ♪ And no-one’s gonna… bend… or break me…? ♪

Alvin: Who the fuck are you?
Laci: I’m your WIFE.
Alvin: I still have one of those?

Alvin: Wow, so you were hiding a hot face under that other hot face, huh? Original. And hot!

William Jr.: You gonna stand there disapprovingly, or actually stop me?
Irvin: The former. You shouldn’t be doing that, but I am mad at my dad.

Theresa: I’m mad FOR you.

Alvin: You lied to me!
Laci: I thought you’d figure it out!
Alvin: You could have just TOLD me!
Laci: You’re a secret agent! I thought you’d have more fun this way!

Alvin: Go! That way! Right now!
Laci: *gasp*

Neil: But that’s the trailer park!

Laci: What fearful symmetry is this?!

Laci: Don’t do this to me, Alvin! Don’t do this to us.
Alvin: I only have one “us,” and you’re not in it.

Laci: Could you at least have softened the blow by saying something dumb?

Irvin: Boo! Whoever you are! BOOOO!

William Jr.: Whee!

Alvin: Unlike certain secret agents, I can troubleshoot without a gun.

Alvin: Yep yep, no consequences to this solution!

Alvin: ‘k, you’re really hot but that noise is getting on my nerves.

Theresa: Yeah, fuck off back to your own chapter, would you.

Alvin: Does that mean…
Theresa: I’m adopting this chapter.

Irvin: Yeah, the “check oil” light makes NO SENSE to most people born after the Victorian era.

Theresa: You know, she probably intended this.
Alvin: How figure.
Theresa: She fobbed the kid off on you, and now she knows you won’t try to track her ass down.

Alvin: It’s true! Got all the ass I need right here.

Goofs: crew or equipment visible.

Thank goodness for post-production.

William Jr.: You can’t stay mad at your dad. My dad did that to his dad once, and his sister burned his dad to death and he had to resurrect him and then his dad became a prison warden and then-
Irvin: -OKAY. GOT IT. This is probably the perfect moment to go apologize to him.

Theresa: How many butlers do you have?

William: …I’ll be going now.

William Jr.: Bill my dad for your therapy. And maybe his dad, too.


Alvin: I think the little dork bought it!

Theresa: Lots of little dorks going around, today.

Irvin: Would it improve my life to know the definition of “dork“?

Definitely not.

Alvin: Alright, kid. We need to have “the talk.”
Irvin: Can the rabbit do it instead? We’re closer.

Alvin: You know how sometimes the sun is shining, and it’s nice, and you think “Wow! Life isn’t an intolerable nightmare after all!”

Theresa: This seems a bit… above his emotional maturity level.

Irvin: Are you saying being married was like the sun being nice, or an intolerable nightmare?
Alvin: Both! Iris was fuuucked.

Irvin: So having sex with this random lady-
Theresa: -excuse me?
Irvin: -is your method of emotional weather control?

Alvin: Yeah. And your mom was a drip, dude.

Elvis: I don’t wanna be half-drip!

Theresa: Okay, let’s see if I can salvage this metaphor. Uhhhh… okay. The sun can’t shine every day. Life goes through cycles of good and bad. You need someone with you, someone you can trust to… be your sunshine. At night. SEE THIS IS WHY METAPHORS SUCK

Alvin: Life is like a wizard war.
Theresa: NO

Irvin: Life is like an NPC. You can’t fix it when it goes bad, so you just end it and hope nobody brings it back.

Theresa: We’re trying to explain sex and relationships to you. Now I feel like we need to have a suicide-discouragement talk, which suggests this isn’t going well.
Irvin: Maybe you need a multimedia component. Any good video games we can play to teach me about sex and relationships?

I can think of one, off the top of my head.

Irvin: Fuck THAT. All I’ve got on my computer is The Sims 3.

Hmm. That’ll teach you about frustration and disappointment, at least.

Which covers most relationships.

Theresa: That went well.
Rip Co. Wobbly Wabbit Head: You should’ve let me handle it.

Prof. Johnson: YOU’RE A BAD FATHER

Alvin: ♪ But tell him, while he wanders his starry sea ♪
Theresa: ♪ Remember, remember me ♪

Theresa: What? I clicked the link.

Prof. Johnson: Am I somehow babysitting this thing, now?

It would be neat if couches deformed over time, like real couches.

Instead of terrifying, the way it’s doing it right now for no good reason.

Alvin: Do you think the kids’ll be alright?
Theresa: Right now? Sure. In the long term we’re all fucked.

Alvin: Then we might as well get fucked in the short term, too!

Theresa: You’re a strange lover, Alvin.
Alvin: A star-woman taught me.

Alvin: Actually it was Laci.
Theresa: Alvin.
Alvin: She was very flexible.
Theresa: ALVIN.

Elvis: The DADDY says “Raise yourselves, I’m tapping out!”

Laci: Don’t worry, kid. You’ve got friends in low places.

Laci: And by “you’ve got” I mean you don’t really have.

Laci: And by “friends” I mean “enemies.”

Laci: And by “you” I mean your dad.

Laci: Who I’m going to murder.

Irvin: I’m glad I didn’t hear any of that.

Irvin: ‘sup Elvis.
Elvis: ♪ I just might turn to smoke ♪
Irvin: Oh no!
Elvis: ♪ But I feel fine! ♪
Irvin: Oh! Good.

♪ Because your kisses lift me higher ♪

Theresa: ♪ Like a mumble mumble lyrics ♪

Theresa: ♪ And you light my mornin’ sky ♪
Alvin: With an erection!

Theresa: It looks like someone dug our paper out of there, but that would be stupid.

Next time: an uncivil ceremony.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 9 September 2012.

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