The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 413

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Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which I squeeze another entire song in there.

Oh, and Carolina dies.

Carolina: Oh no! The cliffhanger’s letting go!

Lance Price the Damned: Ilektrikόs.

Carolina: It’s just static. It’s just static.

Carolina: OKAY SO IT’S A LOT OF STATIC

Carolina: MY NEURONS
Rebecca: Zap her again! While she’s down!

Brett: What’s happening?

Brett: If you hired this clown for my birthday, dad, you did not make a good choice.

Rebecca: IT’S THE GREATEST PRESENT OF ALL!

Brett: IT’S THE WORST PRESENT OF ALL!
Jerome: ♪ SWEET CAROLINE…-A ♪
Lance Price the Damned: You did not just go there again.

Alec: On the one hand, I’m stuck in this corner. On the other hand, nobody can get to me in this corner.

Lance Price the Damned: On the third hand, MAGIC!

Alec: There’s no THIRD hand!
Rebecca: That’s what’s magic about it!

Brett: THERE IS NOTHING MAGIC ABOUT THIS

Lance Price the Damned: Hmm hmm, flip a coin, uh… Mýges.

Rebecca: Mmm mmm mmm! Smell that pants-wetting.

Alec: THESE AREN’T MIDGES

Alec: YES! YES! I AM NOW THE INVINCIBLE SUPERVILLAIN, FLYBEARD!

Alec: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHGHGHGHGHGHHGGHLLLLLLLBRRB

SCRRRRRRRRRRRRKSHbzzzzzzzz

Alec: Tell HR you never met the guy. Protip.

The Grim Reaper: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME.

Lance Price the Damned: EXPELLO SIMAE!
The Grim Reaper: DO I LOOK LIKE A SIM TO YOU?

The Grim Reaper: ANYWAY. ANYBODY GONNA EAT THIS?

Carolina: I’m… eating it…

Here lies Carolina Newcastle.

She ate it.

Rebecca: Oh, hey! Green badness! Neat.

Jerome: AUGH IT’S IN MY EYES

Rebecca Cavendish the Mean Witch: WHERE’S MY COOL WITCH NAME

I’ve been working on that. It’s a hard one.

Rebecca Cavendish the Mean Witch: WHY

Because “Rebecca” comes from adding more letters in between the three letters of a Hebrew word meaning “to tie firmly,” so I’ve been trying to find a three-letter antonym for that, Romanize it, and then find a name that has those three letters in that order.

Rebecca Cavendish the Mean Witch: …okay, yeah, that’ll take some time.

Lance Price the Damned: Meanwhile, there’s cake!

Brett: Hello Mr. Dead.
The Grim Reaper: Beat it, kid, I’m on the phone.

Lance Price the Damned: Thanks for lending me your chapters, your house, and your lives, in that order.

Lance Price the Damned: Let me know what her cool witch name is.

It’s Belinda.

Belinda the Mean Witch: It is NOT

It really is.

Belinda the Mean Witch: That’s WAY too on the nose for a witch name.

Hahaha. On the nose. WITCH.

Belinda the Mean Witch: Because witches have-

BECAUSE WITCHES HAVE BIG NOSES

Belinda the Mean Witch: Belinda doesn’t sound like a mean witch.

Maybe she doesn’t have to be.

Belinda the Mean Witch: But what if she does?

Belinda the Mean Witch: So “Belinda” means the opposite of “to tie firmly”?

No, it’s a Hebrew word for “undo” with four more letters stuck in.

Belinda the Mean Witch: “Undo”? That’s not a complete antonym. A complete antonym would be “untie somewhat.” Work on “somewhat” and get me a cool title, “the Mean Witch” just is NOT doing it for me.

Belinda the Mean Witch: Make sure it’s something badass, to counteract BELINDA.

Deborah: With this high-powered telescope, I can see clear across the street!

The Malevolent.

Belinda the Mean Witch: What?

מעט means “somewhat.” It Romanizes to “m’et.” M-E-T. MalEvolenT.

Belinda the Malevolent: Makes “Lance Price the Damned” sound like a pussy name, doesn’t it?

Belinda the Malevolent: Although the fact that his face doesn’t always reflect in mirrors makes me think he’s still got an edge in the “weird and evil” department.

Belinda the Malevolent: Being malevolent, technically, I should step on this kid.

Belinda the Malevolent: But I have other badness to attend to.

Jerome: Okay, listen.
Belinda the Malevolent: Nope.
Jerome: What we did was a mistake.
Belinda the Malevolent: Maybe what you did was a mistake.

Belinda the Malevolent: Anyway your wife’s dead, so what’s the iss.

Belinda the Malevolent: That’s slang for “issue.” I just made it up.
Jerome: How evil of you.

Jerome: So, “Belinda the Malevolent,” huh.
Belinda the Malevolent: Is it too much?
Jerome: Not with that face to back it up.

Belinda the Malevolent: We need to celebrate my transformation.
Jerome: Carolina just died.
Belinda the Malevolent: We need to celebrate that too!

I’ve got just the newly-renovated hellhole for you.


♪ Raven hair ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: Nope.

♪ And ruby lips ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: Also nope.

♪ Sparks fly from her fingertips ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: Let’s see! Nope.

♪ Echoed voices in the night ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: Check out these losers.

Coy: Losers? Where?!

♪ She’s a restless spirit on an endless flight ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: The flight ended. Minutes ago. You saw it.

Jerome: ♪ Ha, ha, witch-ay woman! ♪
Belinda the Malevolent: ♪ Hear how wrong he si-i-ings ♪

♪ Woo hoo, witch-ay woman ♪

Jerome: My wife just died, and it sti-i-i-ings! ♪

Basement bars!

Bars with STAIRS.

WHAT COULD GO WRONG

Jerome: Everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong.

Which is why the ElectroDance Sphere has been locked up and walled off.

Contessa Lucy: I’ma sneak ’round yo club, yo.

Contessa Lucy: Still sneakin’ yo.

Contessa Lucy: Sneaky sneaky sneaky.

Contessa Lucy: Sneak com-PLETE. Keep makin’ that sweet music, night children.

Okay.

♪ She held me spellbound in the night ♪

♪ Dancing shadows, and – ♪

Venkat: ♪ -disco light! ♪

♪ Crazy laughter in another room ♪

Brett: ZOOM! HAHAHA

♪ And she drove herself to madness with a silver spoon ♪

Dagmar: Sure, blame the silver spoon.

♪ Well I know you want a lover, but let me tell you, brother ♪

Jerome: That’s racist.

♪ She’s been sleepin’ in the devil’s bed ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: What’s wrong with my bed, now?

♪ And there’s some rumours goin’ ’round, someone’s underground ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: Almost!

♪ She can rock you in the night-time ’til your skin turns red ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: Purple, at the very least.

Jerome: ♪ WOOHOO! WITCH-AY WOMAN! ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: ♪ See how good she fu-u-ucks ♪

♪ Woo hoo, witch-ay woman ♪

Kea: ♪ That fuggo’s dancing, s-u-u-ucks! ♪

Jerome: God, how many verses are left in that song?

Jerome: Also WOW what are we doing?

Belinda the Malevolent: Each other?

Kea: The rumours were true! Someone is underground!

Jerome: You waiting your turn, or something?

Amin: That was a heck of a performance.
Belinda the Malevolent: There’s no sex like malevolent sex.

Belinda the Malevolent: And I’m the malevolent sexiest of them all.

Coy: Should we be sitting closer together?
Dagmar: Definitely not.

Venkat: Thank you for showing me why the floor needs to be see-through! It’s the first time a young person has successfully taught me something.

Jerome: I hope you don’t think less of me for… what I just did.
Amin: I think of you so little already…

Jerome: What’s in the glass? Virgin blood?
Belinda the Malevolent: No idea where I’d get that.

Jerome: Oh! It’s a Bloody Caesar! I can taste the hot sauce.

Belinda the Malevolent: And the celery salt?
Jerome: THAT’s what that is!

Belinda the Malevolent: Jerome, you’ve made my tiny black heart so full! Not much of an accomplishment, but it’s not literally nothing.

Belinda the Malevolent: Will you betray Carolina? I mean marry me?

Belinda the Malevolent: And betray Carolina?

Jerome: I don’t fuckin’ know anymore! Sure! WHY NOT

Jerome: Just call me Mr. the Malevolent.

Jerome: ♪ Brown hair, and brown lips ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: ♪ Dates small-penised, milquetoast drips ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: ♪ Fucking morons in a club ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: ♪ You should end the chapter, and the music, scrub ♪

There’s still like fifty pics.

♪ Woo hoo, witchy woman! ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: STILL?!

♪ See how high she fli-i-ies! ♪

Jerome: ♪ Woohoo. Witchy woman. ♪


♪ She got the moon in her ey-ey-ey-eyes! ♪

Belinda the Malevolent: Well of course! It’s the months of moon, according to that other, worse song you did.

Kea: IT’S IMMORAL TO OWN AN EXPENSIVE TELESCOPE FOR PEOPLE-WATCHING!

Jerome: I’m glad other people still know what’s moral.

Jerome: Hey baby, wanna further degrade me?
Kea: Enh.

Brett: Okay, so if I understand my rules of visual shorthand, I should be at least ten IQ points higher now!

Belinda the Malevolent: I fucked your dad.
Brett: Is that an insult? It’s not a very good one.

Brett: You have been hanging out with dad a lot, lately.
Belinda the Malevolent: I’m serious. I fucked him. Twice.
Brett: I’m using my super brain powers to forget what that word means.

Belinda the Malevolent: Never forget the swears, kid. You’ll need them when you get older.

Belinda the Malevolent: Oh, there’s literally a whole raft of spells to replace relationship-building. Wish I’d known that a few dozen pics ago.

At least it’s not fucking crashing anymore.

Jerome: Thank you for taking care of what’s-his-name.
Deborah: This is a girl.
Jerome: Sorry, what’s-her-name.

Brett: Fuck YOU! BOOK!

Brett: Family-stealer.

Jerome: BOO HOO, MISS A WOMAN

Jerome: SEE NOW, WHY SHE DI-I-IES?!

Carolina: Hey, I’m sure you’ll be next.

Carolina: I can’t see you. Where’d you move?
Jerome: On.

Carolina: Oh. Well, I’m not gonna.

FZZT

Carolina: Hope you know a good repairman.

Jerome: Wow! There’s no dead wives in space!

Jerome: Or in my bed.

I mean, that’s sort of a blessing.

Belinda the Malevolent: U-h o-h.

W-h-a-t-‘-s h-a-p-p-e-n-i-n-g-?

I have no idea why that always hitches the game up, but it does.

Belinda the Malevolent: I feel significantly less alluring.

Belinda the Malevolent: Fixed it.

Yes.

You did.

The green-assed monster.

If you want real body horror, consider that the witch texture overlay is overlaying a different set of nipples onto her existing nipples.

Belinda the Malevolent: Right! Never gonna get naked again. Thanks!

Deborah: Mornin’ doofus! Doofii.
Esther: Mama!
Jerome: Great.

Brett: At least it’s Sympathy for Brett day at school.

How is THIS not a witch.

Anyway I’m not learning a new name at the end of the chapter, fuck you.

Blazej: What’s life like, outside of this car?
Jerome: I would only recommend certain select elements of it.

Grmblrfrmble.

Yvette Oates: OH GOD IT’S STILL WARM

Makin’ me learn a name for a SHIT JOKE.

Yvette: It WAS a shit joke.

THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT

Belinda the Malevolent: So, I got promoted. To backup dancer.

Neat.

Belinda the Malevolent: Everybody at work knew my dad.

Not so neat.

Belinda the Malevolent: What does the phrase “sins of the father” mean?

Yvette: It means your daddy fucked a celery and that means his kids’ll be green for seven generations! Apparently.

Belinda the Malevolent: Attagirl! Keep that floor down.

Belinda the Malevolent: Personally, I think I can go lower.

Next time: from Laci with love.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 9 September 2012.

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