The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 411

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which if you don’t try at any time, you just might find you get what you don’t need.

Lance Price the Damned: Hm. We need some spell variety up in this bitch. Ah… let’s see… asthéneia.

Leonard: Ass- *burp* -what?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Get your own damned warlock.

Leonard: My guts feel… upside-down. Should my guts feel upside-down?

Lance Price the Damned: Only if they are.

Leonard: Oh god, I can taste… baby powder? And my nose is itchy on the inside.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: What disease did you give him?
Lance Price the Damned: All of them, I think.

Leonard: QUICK, I NEED ALL OF THE VACCINES

Leonard: Hey wait is that my wife

Leonard: YOU COULDN’T EVEN WAIT UNTIL I WAS DEAD?!

Leonard: You make me SICK.

Leonard: And I didn’t think I could get any SICKER.

Some Jackass: Man, I thought evil magic would be… flashier.

Asia: Survival mode: activated.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: There’s something to be said for getting caught adulterating at the last possible second.

Lance Price the Damned: Mýges.
SJ: Your geeze? MY geeze!

SJ: I can’t look!
Lance Price the Damned: You might want to. You’ll lose the option, soon.

Lance Price the Damned: ’twas early in the spring when I decide to go
SJ: What?
Lance Price the Damned: ♪ For to work up in the woods in north Ontar-i-o ♪
Asia: …what?
Lance Price the Damned: ♪ The unemployment office said they’d send me through ♪

♪ To the… little Abitibi with the survey crew ♪

♪ And the black flies, the little black flies ♪

♪ Always the blackfly, no matter where you go ♪

♪ I’ll die with the blackfly a pickin’ my bones ♪

Lance Price the Damned: ♪ In North Ontar-i-o, i-o! ♪

♪ In North Ontar-i-o ♪

Asia: Stunning song choice.

The Grim Reaper: WOW, THIS GUY HAS, LIKE… TEN DIFFERENT KINDS OF DEATH ON HIM.

Lance Price the Damned: All of them DESERVED.

Lance Price the Damned: I’mma make out with his womenfolk, now.

Asia: …it’s more interesting than whatever else I was gonna do today.

Lance Price the Damned: I sure hope they’re sexy, though, because otherwise what’s the point.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: There’s-
Lance Price the Damned: Another one, yeah, I could hear her heartfarting through the house.

Lance Price the Damned: Ilektrikόs.
Asia: Couldn’t you start using fire spells? It’s getting nippy.

Asia: And you can get my nippy any day.
Lance Price the Damned: That was terrible, you should feel bad.

Asia: Okay, what would a dumb wizard like.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: It’s a start!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: …not sure about the finish, though.

Asia: I’m ready to get close-up. Mr. D’evil!

Asia: No response?
Lance Price the Damned: You heard what you said.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I DID IT!

You did what?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I CAST A SPELL ON THE TUB AND BROKE IT!

It was already almost broken.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: SHUT UP I DID IT I’M EVIL

Asia: What’re you brewing?
Lance Price the Damned: A storm.

Asia: It smells like hot sauce.
Lance Price the Damned: A hot sauce storm.

Asia: Does the evil cackling help?
Lance Price the Damned: Ritual is ninety percent tradition.

Lance Price the Damned: You’ll understand once I’ve evilled you. Magus mutatio!

Lance Price the Damned: Oh come ON! I did that with the WORST of intentions! Why does it affect my evil rating?

Didn’t put a dent in your damnation, though.

Lance Price the Damned: Considering I’ve lost track of how many murders I’ve committed, yeah, not much is likely to.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: MY COIFFURE

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: I might live out the chapter now!
Lance Price the Damned: Don’t make suggestions. I hate suggestions.

Lance Price the Damned: She might have a point about those fire spells, though.

Lance Price the Damned: So, you having second thoughts?
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Third, fourth, even fifth thoughts about being had a second time.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: Did you do this? Did I do this?

Some Jagoff: Thank you for including me!

Some Jackass: Fuck you for including me!

Some Jackass: But also thank you!

Lance Price the Damned: I’m gonna fuck your wife. AGAIN.
Leonard: Hope you know a good… evil STI test.

Leonard: ‘cuz that bitch fuuuucks. Around. On me?

Leonard: See ya! Around.

Leonard: …on me?

…did the car just blow her pigtail?

Oh my god, it looks like the car just blew her pigtail.

Oh god oh god is this all a dream

Aurora: I am very much in favour of that interpretation.

Leonard: Dude! When you see THREE GHOSTS, you walk the OTHER way!

Gavin: Y’all are ghostin’ me? Rude.

Lance Price the Damned: I’ll show you rude, old bowlcut!

Gavin: What’s that?
Lance Price the Damned: It’s where they got married.
Gavin: What’s “married”?
Lance Price the Damned: You won’t ever need to know.

Lance Price the Damned: Asthéneia.
Gavin: Ew, you’re Greek?

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: Oh, hey, there’s non-murderer magic, too! Convenient.

Gavin: IS THERE UN-MURDERING MAGIC

Gavin: I need to be un-murdered.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I went from lazing on a couch to evilly lazing on a couch. Wheee, what an adventure.

Lance Price the Damned: Y’all mind if I bum a snack?

Lance Price the Damned: This seasoning smells funny.

Lance Price the Damned: I’m just fuckin’ with ya.
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: DON’T FUCK WITH MY BABY

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: Was it hers, or mine?

I can’t tell the difference.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: Damn! Neither can I.

Lance Price the Damned: Drink up, kid. Keep that quintessence healthy, I might need it later.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Are you sure?!
Abigail: Positive. I got one of those psychic, across-the-neighbourhood memories when he died.
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I dunno, then! Guess he did die!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Have fun doing whatever you’re gonna do with that information!

She’s probably gonna resurrect him.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I can think of a lot better, or entertainingly-worse, uses for ten thousand simoleons.

Lance Price the Damned: Luckily, the second-best thing in life is free!
Thornmarie the Evil Witch: You can pay for it, too, though.

Second-best?

Lance Price the Damned: Pow-

Power, yes, of course.

You’re such a generic villain.

Lance Price the Damned: I prefer to surround myself with interesting henchpeople.

Lance Price the Damned: Such as this henchwench.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Hand me, you villain!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I feel sorry for people who have neutral-or-better-aligned sex.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: And people who aren’t people.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: And fashion victims.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: And Leonard.
Lance Price the Damned: What?

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Nothing.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: ARE WE OUT OF PACIFIERS

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: THERE AREN’T ANY IN THE TOILET! I SPIT ON YOU, PACIFIER-LESS TOILET!

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: Do you think he bought it?

Lance Price the Damned: What’re you doing?
Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: Watching TV.
Lance Price the Damned: In my room?
Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: Is this your room?
Lance Price the Damned: I mean, it’s green…

Lance Price the Damned: I fucked Thornmarie real good.
Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: Hahaha that’s not her name.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: Can I have a cool name? I’ll sex you for it.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: This shower head is SO inefficient.

Here’s what a great person I am.

I see someone scratching their armpit.

I immediately think “Make some sort of disease joke.”

It immediately escalates to “Make a coronavirus joke.”

That immediately escalates to “The whole world is a coronavirus joke.”

That’s what a great person I am.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: Great people are overgreated.

Lance Price the Damned: That’s a lovely floor mat.
Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: …it’s a dress.
Lance Price the Damned: I dunno, I think it would look bet-
Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: -better on the floor, yes, of course.

Asia Gonzaga-Murphy the Mean Witch: So do I get a cool witch name?
Lance Price the Damned: Elláda. And let’s drop that Murphy shit, okay?
Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Salad what? Salada? What is that even.
Lance Price the Damned: Asia is ancient Greek for “not Greece.” Elláda is ancient Greek for “Greece.” So.

Lance Price the Damned: You weren’t Greecy at all, and I made all Greecy at you.

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: By Chapter 500 we’ll all be unintelligible masses of dense wordplay.

Lance Price the Damned: Naked unintelligible masses of dense wordplay.

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: I don’t know how it looks on the floor, but it definitely feels better there.

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Oh, wait a second, no, you’re gross.

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Nearly forgot for a sec.

Lance Price the Damned: Elkystikόs.
Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Aw, man! Electrocuted RIGHT after I got a nickname, and it wasn’t even a GOOD nickname.

Lance Price the Damned: I think you’ll find that wasn’t the electrocution spell.

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Did you just sex me up?
Lance Price the Damned: I sexied you up, in anticipation of sexing you up!

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Good, I was afraid I’d missed the sex part.

Lance Price the Damned: Oh, you won’t be missing the SEX PART.
Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Is that what you call your-
Lance Price the Damned: IT HAS MANY NAMES

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Stop picturing me like that, it’s insulting.

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: You know, it’s probably just the evil talking, but-
Lance Price the Damned: Whatever you’re feeling, it’s definitely just the evil talking.

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Well hey, if abstract concepts can talk, we owe it to them to listen.

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: PUT YOUR GREEN THING IN ME
Lance Price the Damned: My tongue, or…?
Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: WHATEVER IS AVAILABLE

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: OH YEAH BABY MERGE OUR FACES

Lance Price the Damned: You’re awful randy for a chick who just saw, like, half a dozen murders.
Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: There’s a thin line between a moment of crisis and a moment of climax.

Lance Price the Damned: A thrill seeker, huh? You’ll do well in my army.
Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Do we have uniforms?
Lance Price the Damned: No.
Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Drills?
Lance Price the Damned: No.
Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Early wake-ups?
Lance Price the Damned: FUCK no.

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: Reporting for duty, sir!

Lance Price the Damned: I changed my mind. This is your uniform.

Elláda Gonzaga the Mean Witch: It’s very light.

Thornmarie the Evil Witch: I’m corpse-camping in Duty.

WITCHES! FEARED DENIZENS OF DARKNESS! SADISTIC MASTERS OF THE UNDERWORLD!

Dominic: SO DO I JUST EAT MY OWN SHIT NOW OR WHAT

Next time: oh, this is the main storyline now.

Alright then.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 8 September 2012.

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