The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 409

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which that old black magic is renewed.

Alright, we’re doing plotlines again. Any requests?

Rosemarie: Something sexy.

That’s automatic. You’ve wasted your request.

Also you’re wasting your baby?

Leonard: Child neglect is hot.

Baby is cold, and getting COLDER!

Leonard: You shouldn’t leave babies outside, this neighbourhood has a history of baby-stealing.

Leonard: Did you know they make desks you can raise and lower? Random fact.

Leonard: Did you know they make people you can raise and lower? Random innuendo.

Leonard: Did you know that Alexander the Great solved the Gordian Knot by cutting it with his sw-

Leonard: Did you know Lucas Perez is still dead?
Sir Wally: SQUAWK! Did you know parrots in fiction always squawk before or after speaking, but almost never do so in real life?!

Leonard: Did you know Jerome’s penis is small.
Rosemarie: Everyone does.
Sir Wally: Everyone.

Leonard: Did you know that cutting rope is a great way to dull the blade of a sword?

Leonard: Did you know that there’s no record of Vicki’s last name actually being Enriquez?
Rosemarie: …wait, really?

Asia: Did you know that if you try to just sleep forever, your back eventually starts complaining?

I know! What the fuck backs, am I right?

Rosemarie: I’m beginning to think running him over with that car was anteroactive punishment for what he’s doing now.


Rosemarie: He just sassed Google. Batten down the hatches, folks.
Leonard: We’re already all dead.

Leonard: Hey, did you know that Google doesn’t give a fuck what you’re looking for now, and just tries to force you to look at what everybody else is looking for, now?
Rosemarie: YES

Leonard: Have you ever eaten space pie?


Leonard: Did you know that if your heart was shaped like a heart, you would die?
Rosemarie: Can we just assume I know everything I care to know, going forward?

Rosemarie: Did you know I don’t love you anymore, and don’t know why I did in the first place?


Leonard: Did you know that genies-

Leonard: Did you know there’s warlocks and shit now? Not my thing, won’t lie.

Leonard: They say they saw Lance Price zapping people with a magic wand, and Margaret Wabawabawab-Murphy on a broomstick!
Rosemarie: What do you know, one thing you know was worth did-you-knowing!

Rosemarie: That was this chapter’s goofy-ass line, if you’re still planning on going back and collecting them.

Oh, I know.

Rosemarie: I’ve decided my plotline is going to be magic-related, solely to piss you off.

Rosemarie: Seriously. You accidentally murder someone, and then you pay for it for the rest of your life!

Asia: STRAIGHT up your BUSH, lady!

Rosemarie: Let me know if you see any flying broomsticks.

Rosemarie: [REDACTED]

I was really trying not to do any references in this chapter.

You know what? I’m redacting that one.

I should be focusing on the absurdity of macking on Uma when Beatriz is RIGHT THERE, but instead I’m focusing on the absurdity of just now realizing I’d been still calling this place “Pine Valley Convenience” like a fucking idiot for ages.

Valerie: Who IS that steaming smokeshow?
Nerissa: My mixed metaphors exactly!

Rosemarie: I don’t really care if Leonard finds out who I’m cheating on him with, but there’s something so hot about having a secret cellphone, regardless.

Brooke: Okay, so… we have a no-dogs rule, right?
Asia: I see where you’re going with this…
Brooke: Okay but the HAIRS, Asia. The HAIRS! EVERYWHERE!

Asia: On the PRODUCE, I KNOW!
Rosemarie: Hmm. Maybe I could do a combination magic/secret agent plot!

Asia: What’s it like?
Rosemarie: What?
Asia: Clothes.

Rosemarie: It’s alright.

Rosemarie: Back to the ol’ Al-Mamater.


Rosemarie: It’s Arabic. It means “school you went to.”

Rosemarie: Hello, is this Lance? I hear you shoot people with lightning. That’s pretty cool.

Lance Price the Damned: Try to understand.
Rosemarie: Okay.
Lance: Try to understand.
Rosemarie: Okay?
Lance Price the Damned: ♪ Try, try, try to understaaaand ♪

Rosemarie: ♪ He’s a magic man, mama ♪

♪ He’s got magic hands ♪


A wife sentence?


Rosemarie: I dunno, I heard you were doing magic stuff and I thought “Sure, I’m game, I look good in long dresses.”

Lance Price the Damned: Do you have any supernatural experience?
Rosemarie: The first time I had sex was in a cave where zombies used to live.
Lance Price the Damned: …give me a second to process that.

Anthony: You got any money? These things want money.
Other Anthony: We haven’t got any money.
Opal: …you’ve got a lot of extra organs and body parts, between the two of you…

Rosemarie: I’m not happy with my life. Where’s the magic, you know?
Lance Price the Damned: The magic can be inside of you!
Rosemarie: Is “the magic” your nickname for your-
Lance: You know it is.

Coy: When is a man not a man?
Anthony: Sorry?
Coy: When he’s TWO men!
Anthony: …was that a joke?
Coy: No, why?

Michael: Anthony stocks are SKYROCKETING!
Opal: They are?
Michael: Yeah! There used to be one, and now there’s TWO! A completely doubled stock of Anthonies!

Anthony: Slightly more than doubled, now.

Rosemarie: All’s I’m saying is, I would not object overmuch to being swept away to your magic castle.
Lance Price the Damned: I don’t have a magic castle, but I know where I can get one.

Lance Price the Damned: And then she can get one, too!

Lance Price the Damned: Magivestium!
Rosemarie: That is a nice vest, yeah!

Rosemarie: I love bad boys.
Lance Price the Darned: Slightly less bad now. I need to find a teleportation spell that runs on baby sadness, or something.

Rosemarie: Your skin’s all green!
Lance Price the Darned: Not all of it! HAHAHA

Michael: No, I doubt you’ll go to jail for accidentally sticking your arm through a townie. That kind of junk happens all the time.
Rebecca: Like ROBBERIES
Michael: Robberies? Robberies are punishable by death, on the spot. I wrote that bill myself!

♪ Cold late night, so long ago ♪

Rosemarie: Or, like, right now.

♪ When I was not so strong, you know ♪

Rosemarie: Try me.

♪ A pretty man came to me ♪

Lance Price the Darned: NOPE

♪ Never seen eyes so blue ♪

Lance Price the Darned: THEY’RE GREY

Lance Price the Darned: It’s that dress. I’m not a Bohemisexual. Hmm… Ntỳno.

Rosemarie: More like Ntỳes!
Lance Price the Hecked: BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR GREEK! You don’t want to accidentally cast a spell!
Rosemarie: I don’t? I sure feel like I do!

Lance Price the Hecked: Do you like the dress I magicked up for you with my evil, evil (but apparently not at all evil) magic?

Rosemarie: Yeah, stripes are pretty evil alright.

Lance Price the Hecked: The lady needs a better demonstration…!

What’s the exclamation point for?

Lance Price the Hecked: It feels like there’s an exclamation point in my pocket.

Aiyana: That’s dirty.
Lance Price the Hecked: Normally it’d be intended that way.

Lance Price the Hecked: Can you read my future?
Aiyana: Hmm… a thing lost to you will be returned.
Lance Price the Hecked: Keep polishing, that was a past reading.

Aiyana: What was the thing?
Lance Price the Hecked: An evil magic wand. Apparently it knows its owner!
Aiyana: That’s good!
Lance Price the Hecked: No! It’s evil, weren’t you listening?!


Lance Price the Hecked: Ilektrikόs.

Rebecca: Who was that skintone-masked man? I wanted to thank him!


Rebecca: You can have ONE!

Rebecca: Seriously though, that was super cool.
Rebecca: Sure, but I don’t see how she’ll voice it.

Lance Price the Damned: Damned right.

Lance Price the Damned: Even a little light teleportation won’t put much of a dent in that.

Michael: Did anybody see what-
Michael: -happened…? What the fuck…?
Other Anthony: He’s not wrong!

Coy: Which one of you’s the evil twin?
Rebecca: I saw what happened. This evil-looking dude with green skin killed her. It was awesome!
Michael: It sounds awesome!
Coy: Dang it, neither of them have green skin!

♪ “Come on home girl,” he said with a smile ♪

Rosemarie: He did!

♪ “You don’t have to love me, but let’s get high awhile” ♪

Rosemarie: He didn’t say that part, but the height became pretty obvious pretty fast.

Lance Price the Damned and Rosemarie: ♪ Winter nights, we sang in tune ♪

♪ Played inside the months of moon ♪

Rosemarie: What?
Lance Price the Damned: Yeah, what? That doesn’t make ANY sense.

The only other interpretation I can find is “money saloon.”

Lance Price the Damned: …months of moon it is!

Patrick: I don’t get it, Mister H! There’s enough garbage here for there to have been TWO Anthonies!
Cory: For the last fucking time, kid, YOU ARE NOT MY SIDEKICK

Rosemarie: Eternal Darkness, huh? I never had a Gamecube.

Rosemarie: Who owns this place?
Lance Price the Damned: At the moment, or a few moments from now?

Rosemarie: Oh, you’re going to kill someone?
Lance Price the Damned: Yeah.
Rosemarie: Someone… good?
Lance Price the Damned: Yeah, obviously someone good owns the FORTRESS OF ETERNAL DARKNESS.
Rosemarie: Hey, I heard Eternal Darkness was good! But like I said, I never had a Gamecube.

Meanwhile Past Grugly shits the bed in EPIC fashion on the establishing shot.

Past Grugly: What? Why?

Because you’re too stupid to hit the “roofs up” key, that’s why.

Past Grugly: Is there even a key for that?

Lance Price the Damned: There’s a key for everything.

Lance Price the Damned: Okay, so. There’s a big green jerk in there. I’m going to take his castle from him.
Rosemarie: Is he gonna be okay with that?
Lance Price the Damned: He’s not gonna be okay at all.

Rosemarie: Well, as long as he’s a jerk, I guess.

Rosemarie: So, what’s his name? Lord Voldemort? Gul’dan? Shang Tsung?
Lance Price the Damned: Toby.
Rosemarie: …TOBY?!

Toby Kauker the Irredeemably Evil Warlock: You rang? I mean, you fucking didn’t, but.

Toby Kauker the Irredeemably Evil Warlock: What’s up, dude?
Lance Price the Damned: Oh, you know, stuff.
Toby Kauker the Irredeemably Evil Warlock: I see you’re damned now! Pretty sweet.

Toby Kauker the Irredeemably Evil Warlock: Wait, were you damned by the ROD?!
Rosemarie: That sounds like a metaphor for-
Toby Kauker the Irredeemably Evil Warlock: WARLOCKS ARE TALKING

Toby Kauker the Irredeemably Evil Warlock: The Rod doesn’t even WORK! That’s why I let you have it!
Lance Price the Damned: Maybe it likes me better than it likes you.
Rosemarie: I mean, I do!

Lance Price the Damned: Ilektrikόs.
Toby Kauker the Irredeemably Evil Warlock: Oh, you poor, misguided soul. It’ll take much more than THAT to defeat Toby Kauker the-

Toby Kauker the Irredeemably Evil Warlock: SHIT NO IT WON’T

Toby Kauker the Irredeemably Evil Warlock: THE ONE IS FOUND


Toby Kauker the Irredeemably Evil Warlock: THE END IS NIGH

Rosemarie: Don’t have a cow?
The Grim Reaper: NICE.

Lance Price the Damned: I didn’t know there was a creepy poem all about me!

Rosemarie: That was really cool, the way you killed that evil dude! What’re you gonna do with all his stuff, now?
Lance Price the Damned: Evil stuff stuff!

Rosemarie: God, look how much cropping he did here.
Lance Price the Damned: And they say I’m evil.

No, they say you’re damned.

Lance Price the Damned: Damned horny.

Rosemarie: I notice you didn’t include any underwear in this outfit.
Lance Price the Damned: I don’t believe in caging up beautiful things.

Lance Price the Damned: Unless we’re talking literally, in which case I totally believe in that.

Rosemarie: Are you…taller?
Lance Price the Damned: Hovering.
Rosemarie: Won’t that drain your damnation?
Lance Price the Damned: Evil hovering.

Lance Price the Damned: Let me know when you’re ready for it.
Rosemarie: “It”?
Lance Price the Damned: Damnation! Not as bad as mine, but I can get you off on the wrong foot at least.

Rosemarie: Excitement, I wanted. Damnation, not so much.

Lance Price the Damned: Welp.

Lance Price the Damned: Okay, hmm. One dragon scale, two eyes of newt…
Rosemarie: You can drop me off at my house any time.

Lance Price the Damned: You’re not staying for dinner? Let me rephrase that: you’re staying for dinner.

Rosemarie: What are we having?
Lance Price the Damned: You are having nothing.

Lance Price the Damned: And I am having you! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Rosemarie: Ha.

Rosemarie: HYAAAHAH

Lance Price the Damned: Oh, yeah, don’t do that.

Rosemarie: Well maybe I’ll have my OWN secret book, then, and YOU can’t touch it!

Rosemarie: Maybe I’ll flag down a broomstick from yon not-evil castle.

Rosemarie: Or get distracted by stupid shit, as is my wont.

Rosemarie: Or maybe I won’t wont.

Rosemarie: This place needs a woman’s touch.
Lance Price the Damned: You’re a woman.
Rosemarie: I meant a woman who cares enough about aesthetics to do something about them.

Lance Price the Damned: I’ll be sure to incorporate that into your new personality.

Lance Price the Damned: Any other requests?
Rosemarie: A crash to desktop would be nice.

Lance Price the Damned: Sklirí adráneia, my pretty!

Lance Price the Damned: ♪ Let this spell last forever ♪

Rosemarie: I think I feel a title pic coming on!

Rosemarie: Shit, yeah, there it is!

Rosemarie Landchild-Murphy the Mean Witch: Whosemarie Whatchild-Whosit the WHAT WHAT?!

Rosemarie Landchild-Murphy the Mean Witch: Can a sister get an appropriately evil name, already?

Lance Price the Damned: In a minute, I’m taking a dump.

An evil dump?

Lance Price the Damned: An eeeeevil dump.

Next time: more evil is dumped.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 8 September 2012.

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