The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 408

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which magic is sexual.

Like everything else around here.

The Palace of Neverending Light Pornography.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: This isn’t a sex thing. I’m just doing what the stick told me to do.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: The magic broomstick says the ambient magic of the palace will heal her injuries, as long as she soaks it in through the hot tub water.

Uh-huh.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: And I have to… rub it into her.

Uh-huh.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: ARE YOU QUESTIONING THE MOTIVES OF THE BROOMSTICK

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: more rubbing

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: See? It works!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: hold me closer, tiny warlock

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: lay me down in sheets of linen
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I’m gonna need to see a reputable study on the medicinal benefits of that, first.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Yeah, okay, but you can’t blame a girl for trying.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Or for continuing to try.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: You look like an angry duck.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I look like a horny duck.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Doesn’t that magic water feel good?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: It’s sexy magic water. It feels bad. As in, bad idea.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Some of my best ideas are bad.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Alright, your wounded gazelle gambit has been wholly successful.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: That wasn’t a gambit. I honestly have no control over that broomstick.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Although I do seem to have some control over yours.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: How much for a broomstick ride.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I’m not looking for another girlfriend. The way sex works in this game, my bisexuality is getting dragged straight down to plain old boring sexuality by all this girl-sexing.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: However, hot tub jets are an aphodesiac, so.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Oochie-cooch!
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Hahaha cooch.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Yay for Stockholm Syndrome!
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: For which of us?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: For both of us.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: This magic castle is nothing like Stockholm.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Durmstrang Syndrome, then.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I like your family.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: We don’t get that often!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I will gladly give it often. To your family.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Neat.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: And messy!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Lucky we’re in a tub, then.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Although I’m getting a bit pruny.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: So dry your hands off.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’m not talking about my hands.

Good idea.

I don’t want to hear her explain that.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: We’re making out alright.

Yeah, your hands aren’t clipping through his back.

That’s basically unheard of at this point.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: “this point” more like HIS POINT

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I’m trying to keep it… out, but it keeps trying to go… in.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: So stop trying?

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: And stop stalling?

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I put on my wizard hat.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: But not, I note, your robe.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: What’s that up there?

Something I cropped out. Then I went “Oh, Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock’s sorta looking at it,” so I un-cropped and left it.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: …neat?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Your eyes are a neat colour.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: If only we had the ability to zoom in.
Past Grugly: *yawn* Hmm? What?

And then he does it when her EYES ARE CLOSED

Past Grugly: I’m not here for fanservice, I’m here for Gruglyservice.

Peacock: GET A ROOM

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Catch. And do not release!

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: To be clear, you intend to…
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Yes.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Oh boy.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Thrusters on!

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Thrusting!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Full speed ahead!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Keep it comin’!

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: It’s not comin’. You’ll know.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: …see?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Yes.

“…and suddenly Harry’s wang was vibrating as though an electric charge was surging through it, his hand seized up around it; he couldn’t have released it if he’d wanted to…”

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I prefer “Harry gripped his wang tighter and shook it up and down until a thick, wispy substance protruded from the end of it.”

Yes, that’s a good one!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Aw, clothes?! Why.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: If we’re gonna hang around here, we should settle up our affairs in the muggle world.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You mean the mortal world.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Right, right, we need to develop our own proprietary slang.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Speaking of matters proprietary…

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Will you be mine?
Peacock: Sexist.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: It’s like I’m collecting these. “Three rings for the magic queen under the sky.”

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Et cetera.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Yeah, we can’t make all our dialogue just be re-jiggered versions of other people’s stuff.

Technically that’s all any literature is.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Stuff your technicalities.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: And stuff my FACE!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: With tongue, I mean.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I figured.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Not that I don’t do-
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: It’s fine.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: With your dad, once, I-
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: IT’S FINE

Gerald the Broomstick: Oh, it’s my turn between your legs, now, is it?

Peacock: He’s trying to look up your dress.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Nothing I haven’t seen,
Gerald the Broomstick: Or we both haven’t been straddled by.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Do you have a mute button? Or a vib-
Gerald the Broomstick: Pardon?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Nothing.
Gerald the Broomstick: Were you gonna say “a vibrate mode,” but then realized-
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: YES

SNAP

CRACK

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: That was one limbering bath!

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Are you animate? Do you have a name?
Peacock: That’s Neville. He’s a deaf-mute.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock:
Peacock: It’s practically criminal to ride him, he’ll have no idea what’s going on.

Peacock: WATCH WHERE YOU STICK YOUR NEVILLE, SONNY

Peacock: UH

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I’m so sorry.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Hold on?
Peacock: I’m STUFFED

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: You’ll be thankful for that, if you fall off.

Peacock: I’m sad that I’m flying.


Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: How can you POSSIBLY have beaten me here?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I got the peacock to contribute a few flaps.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Oh, was it the peacock I saw hitting the ground like a bag of wet cement a few blocks back?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Bye!

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Dad was just leaving.
Stephen: I’ll moonwalk myself out.

SNAP

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: OW MY ARMS

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: MY ARMS HURT SO I’M CRYING

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: And for my next trick, I will make this mess disappear!

Stephen: The babies, you mean?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: This place is a shambles.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Yeah, it’s so bad it even takes a second to realize the walls are down.

Past Grugly: WHAT, man.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: You’re so good with him! Her. Whichever one that is.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What did people do before Aspiration rewards?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Glowed less.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: The non-luminescent life is not worth living.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Watch your head on that chair!
Fiona: Watch your head on that chair!
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: …great.

Felix: .oO(Back me up a bit and we can replicate their results!)

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: ♪ I’m like an empty bottle, drained of everything left in my mind ♪
Felix: Enough hyperlinks today?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: …all-time worst first words.

Felix: Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something NOW YOU’VE GOT ME DOING IT

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Watch your he-
Felix: WATCH YOUR HEAD ON THAT CHAIR!

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Now can you say “Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock?”
Felix: Sucks.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock.
Felix: Sucks! Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Sucks! DAMMIT

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: The disciple has become the master.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Finger guns!
Fiona: Finga guns!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: FUCK YEAHR A DRESSER

Don’t look at me like that, it wasn’t a typo.

I like the way YEAHR sounds.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock:So the creator of men laid waste this dwelling place until, devoid of the revelry of the population, the ancient works of giants stood idle.”

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: i.e. let’s clean this shit UP!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What have we done.

Felix: What is THIS thing even FOR

Sharpe cameo! The network demands them.

Veronica: You should apply to the disaster relief fund, they’ll help you reconstruct your walls and roof.

Veronica: God, can EVERYONE in this neighbourhood teleport except ME?!

Veronica: I WANT TO TELEPORT
Flamingo: .oO(I WANT TO WALK)

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Please stop torturing him.
Veronica: He’s inanimate.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I’m not sure what that means anymore.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’d stop her, but I’m over here, and she’s over there.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: It’s hard to want to preserve them when they’re about to become so EXPENSIVE.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Make a wish!
Fiona: I want a PONY!
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Make a Sims 2 wish.

Fiona: I want the weird guy to have a hard time.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Retroactively granted!

Felix: I want the weird guy to have another hard time!
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: It was gonna happen anyway.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: YAY WASTED WISHES!

Felix: ♪ WELL YOU CAN TELL BY THE WAY I USE MY WALK ♪

Fiona: Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Becomin’ alive.

Fiona: We were alive before!

That’s a minority opinion.

Because you’re a minor.

Fiona: SKCHLOMPF

Felix: That’s a lot to handle on your first day of sentience.

Meanwhile, Fiona is a dog.

I dream of having energy as well.

What did you do?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Spectacles! Can’t you see them?

*squints*

Barely.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Maybe you need them more than I do.

Alternatively, maybe we need BETTER IMAGES

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: This says you should be using a printscreen program and editing in Photoshop.

That’s in your MAGIC book?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Image editing is a kind of magic.

Felix: How can I go back to sleep? They just taught me how to talk, and now they want me to be silent for EIGHT HOURS?!

Felix: I’m worried about all that magic junk.
Fiona: I don’t think his junk is magic.
Felix: I don’t know what that means.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: It’s not a bad look.

Yeah, for 1939.

Fiona: MY problem is with the constant menfolk turnaround. I don’t even remember which one’s my dad, now!
Felix: Yeah, the Maker only knows.

You’d think that, wouldn’t you.

Fiona: I’m glad we can talk through our troubles together.
Felix: Yeah, it really helps, doesn’t it?
Fiona: No, but it kills time.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Should I have obtained your consent before warlocking you?
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Yes.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Ugh. I’m sorry.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: It’s not your fault, our country has lousy witch-ed.

Fiona: You know, we’re probably never gonna reach adulthood.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I’m happy to be part of this new storyline. I think there’s a real future in magic, plot-wise!
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’m worried it’ll be a Harry Potter ripoff.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I’m worried it won’t be. Harry Potter ripoffs are popular!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’m gonna scalpel some prostitute facts into this novel.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: It’s been nice getting to know you, Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Don’t think I can’t see what you did there.

Don’t think I can’t see what you’re doing there.

I just choose not to.

Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: That’s Curly.

Well MOE DOESN’T MAKE A FUNNY SOUND, SO

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: No Moe no mo’.

Who cares.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I HATE THE 1948 TUCKER TORPEDO

IT’S THE SNEAK

Fiona: Presto…

Fiona: Change-o.

Fiona: The magic of jump cuts!

Strongest of all.

Fiona: I’ve got the strongest urge to dropkick that thing out the window.

♪ Remember when you were young ♪

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: ♪ You shone like the sun ♪
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: ♪ Fuuuuuuuck offfffff you shiiiiiiny sun! ♪

♪ Now there’s a look in your eyes ♪

♪ LIKE BLACK HOLES IN THE SKY ♪

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch’s skintone… it’s like it’s permanently under direct sunlight.

So by now you’re thinking “did he just do a search-and-replace between her short name and her long name?” The answer is “Yes,” but also “and I looked at every instance of it afterward, and approved of them completely, because they’re hilarious.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Can we go back to talking about Margaret?

Sure.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: With the sparkles, it’s like she’s a Twilight vampire under direct sunlight!

…permission retracted. Boo.

Felix: Double boo.

Double boobs!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: ♪ Might as well jump ♪

Rodney: ♪ Go ahead… jump…

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: My new spectacles have become spectral.

Gavin: This new spectacle is spectacular.

Yeah, that’s what the word means.

Gavin: STILL.

Next time: less fucking references holy SHIT

This chapter depicts gameplay from 8 September 2012.

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