The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 407

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which something decent that way goes.


Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’m decent!
Stephen: I like you better the other way.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Try to understand: I’m a magic woman.

GRRRRRSKRRRKLE

Broomstick: Get on, bitch, we’re goin’ to magic.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Are you licensed in this state?

Stephen: Yuck, enjoy your chapter.

Broomstick: Please keep your hands firmly attached to the shaft at all times.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Stephen often says something similar!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Are you taking me to my secret magic home where it turns out I’m heir to a secret magic fortune?

Broomstick: Actually, yes.

More like the Palace of Bugged-Out Red Windows.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Brakes?

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: That was a wild ride, broomstick!
Broomstick: Call me Gerald.
Margaret: …your name is Gerald?
Broomstick: No, my name is Broomstick, but I wanna try something new.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: So, like… is this my palace, now?

I think you’re the official High Witch, so… yeah.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I feel like I’m high.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: HACK KAFF these particles are killing me.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Sexist.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Bet I can get good money for it, though.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Ugh, you can just call me Molly Pocket.

Molly Pocket: Book of forbidden knowledge, check…

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Oh, it’s not forbidden. It’s got an index and everything.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: It’s magically even less comfortable than it looks!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: So, like, are any of you other objects… animate?

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Let’s see if there’s anything in here about a grandfather clock butler or a tea pot maid or whatever.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Ooh! Or I could play with the medieval chemistry set.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Double, triple, stroke and stipple!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Haha. That’s probably the spell to summon Bob Ross.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: …it’s stirring itself.
Stirrer: Who you calling it?
Cauldron: Yeah, who?!

Okay, enough with that ridiculous name.

MW-MtIGW: What do you mean?

MW-MtIGW: Anyway, I need to read up on the ethics of cooking with/inside living things.
Book: Your lust for knowledge is so sexy.

MW-MtIGW: Alternatively I need to set this entire place on fire and run away screaming.

MW-MtIGW: …pretty sure it’s illegal to do that to a newt…

MW-MtIGW: Under “baby recipes” it just says “See: The Malarchist’s Cookbook.

MW-MtIGW: Why would recipes for babies be in a different book?

MW-MtIGW: Unless… ohhhhh.

MW-MtIGW: The Palace of Eternal Light is a lot less palatial than I would’ve thought.

MW-MtIGW: Wait, why am I walking like I’m not a goddamn superstar?

MW-MtIGW: Magivestium! What did I just say.

MW-MtIGW: WHY DID I KNOW TO SAY THAT

MW-MtIGW: Where am I going

MW-MtIGW: You not coming with?

MW-MtIGW: …oh god, I’ve beamed into the geometry.

MW-MtIGW: Magivestium. MAGIVESTIUM!

MW-MtIGW: Okay, so Star Trek transporter rules are somewhat in effect. Good to know!

♪ ‘cuz she’s so hiiiiiiigh, high above me ♪

♪ She’s so lovely ♪

MW-MtIGW: WHAT is THAT.

MW-MtIGW: I bet they have a Malarchist’s Cookbook I could borrow.

MW-MtIGW: Wow! This place was clearly thrown together at the last possible second before retail release.

Peacock: Don’t tell me I died for nothing.

MW-MtIGW: I need to conduct a census to prevent any more pleasant surprises.

MW-MtIGW: OR! I could try outnumbering the furnishings!

Do you have any spell reagents?

MW-MtIGW: Yep! That’s what I was cooking up in the cauldron!

How did you know which ones you’d need?

MW-MtIGW: Trying very hard not to think about that, thank you very much!

MW-MtIGW: Appelo Simae.

MW-MtIGW: Someone nice. Bookish.

MW-MtIGW: And gay! Gay, apparently.

Kyle: I’m only half-gay. I’m bigaycial.

Kyle: Also what the FUCK

Kyle: Am I in heaven? If so, sorry about the swearing.

MW-MtIGW: Welcome to the Palace of Neverending Light! Wait, did I say “Eternal” earlier? Shit.

Kyle: Is this… some kind of clubhouse?
MW-MtIGW: Yes!

MW-MtIGW: Welcome to the club.

Wand: You actually have to say the spell, though.
MW-MtIGW: Oh. Uh, Magus Mutatio.

Kyle: I think I’m getting gayer!

Kyle: I think I’m going SUPER GAYAN

Kyle: I AM BECOME GAY, DEPLOYER OF SNARK in lazily-written sitcoms.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock:…okay, this has me confused.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Snazzy duds, though.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock : Wait, I’m a nice WHAT now?!

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Is it legal to do this to people? I don’t know that it should be legal to do this to people.

MW-MtIGW: You ready to talk?
Kyle Murphy: Gibberish name says what?

MW-MtIGW: It’s an acronym.
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: For what?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: For… yeah, that.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Maybe we should stay on a non-acronym basis.

Maybe YOU can handle my TYPING DUTIES, then!

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: So, am I your prisoner? Is this the magic equivalent of a locked basement?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: No, you’re free to go! As soon as you figure out how.

Kyle Murphy the Good Warlock: Is this a private island? Are you some rich businesswoman who’s kidnapping people to put them through her sadistic death-course?
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Dude, I’m Margaret. I was your brother’s girlfriend?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: What a sexist statue.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Look. I just became the grand high poobah of magic in this neighbourhood, and my magic broomstick brought me here. There’s lots of books and shit about magic and shit!
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Is there a shitter?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Because being teleported against my will did something to my bowels, let me tell you.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: She seems nice, kidnappiness aside.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Kidnappiness and stalkiness aside.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Yes! Read up! We can get a Hogwarts thing going here.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: God… wait… are the reagents alive?
Cauldron: Don’t be ridiculous.

Cauldron: Of course they are.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Magic and horror are very similar genres.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: There anything around here to do for fun?

Yeah, fuck magic, magic’s not fun.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Man cannot survive on magic bread alone.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Speaking of which, y’all got any magic bread up in this bitch?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Ooh! The Palace of Neverending Catering!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Hey, know what’s funny? I haven’t had romantic affection for years.

One sympathizes.

In fact, I probably haven’t had much more than I’d had when these pictures were taken.

So, is that a love potion?

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: It’s a block-out-the-Maker’s-depressing-life-story potion.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Also it’s a love potion.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: My hat brim’s intangible.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: What good is a love potion that makes hearts fly out of you? That’s like being a rapist with a cat bell.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I might have missed something, but… are you trying to rape me?

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: LET ME ON, BITCH, WE’RE GOING HOME

Gerald the Broomstick: You are way too drunk to be driving.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Does that thing have keys I can confiscate?

Gerald the Broomstick: We’re gonna bill you for those bricks.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’M AN INFALLIBLY GOOD DRIVER

WHACK

SKRUNCH

SKRAAAAAAPE

SWOOSH

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: I wish I’d had the presence of mind to start filming.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I MEANT TO DO THAT

♪ Marge, Marge, Marge of the Palace! Hanging from a wall ♪

♪ Watch out for that fall

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Should’ve drank a floating potion.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Grow, you little fuckers! Give me something to grab!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’ve got it!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’ve GAAAAUGHT it!

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: I’ve not got it.

WHUMP

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: Bury me here. There’s already flowers.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Gerald! What do I do?
Gerald the Broomstick: Throw some water on her!
Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Will that help?!
Gerald: If it doesn’t, it’ll still be funny!

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: You’re pretty heavy for someone who’s not supposed to be able to fall.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Ugh… I’ll never get her through the bathroom door at this angle.

So improvise.

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: Improvise with what?

Can you open your Aspiration panel?

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock:

Kyle Murphy the Nice Warlock: If I can’t throw water on her, I can at least throw her on water!

Next time: Margaret’s funeral?

This chapter depicts gameplay from 8 September 2012.

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