The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 405

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which teenagers.


Veronica: Wait, it’s us again?

I’m as surprised as you are.

Okay, maybe not that surprised.

Veronica: The view of the prison is so romantic from here.

Veronica: STOP WITH THE NEAR-KISSES

William: There a factory somewhere pumpin’ out boring teenagers?

Many of them.

They are called uteruses.

Coy: We need to start regulating that industry.
Valerie: Already on it.

Patrick: How’d you get your hands in my pockets?
Veronica: They’re actually plunged into your body. You’re just lucky it looks non-lethal because of your pockets.

Veronica: I don’t want you to die tonight unless it’s in my arms. Tonight.

Patrick: I want to see some of these shots later.

Richard: Kill them.

I won’t.

Richard: You’d do it if they were townies.

Hahaha, yeah. I would!

Vasyl Albee: No, seriously, that’s my real name.

Veronica: Le barf.

Patrick: Mmm, barfmouth.

Patrick: Actually, snotnose.

Veronica: The attachment points have been messed up for years.

And it’s survived re-installs, re-formats, the works.

Vasyl: MORE TONGUE

Richard: Hahaha, no. You may raid us on every third Tuesday, exclusively in the afternoon. Otherwise what am I bribing you for?

Vasyl: MORE PALM

Vasyl: HAHAHA VISTAS

Veronica: The view seems to be really messing him up.
Patrick: I sympathize, albeit with a different view.

Veronica: I don’t know what that word after sympathize was, but don’t use it again.

Veronica: YOU’RE IN MY SIGHTLINE

Veronica: Wow, I have magic eye-pushing powers!

Veronica: Now if only I could push our mouths together…

Vasyl: MORE GROPAGE

Vasyl:

Vasyl: …less gropage…

Veronica: Ooh, that first pic looked fatal.

Patrick: Luckily there’s a cop right there, so I won’t have to go somewhere to be shot.

Vasyl: Oof, my ironic shirt!

Victor: Suspect detected.

Patrick: It was an accident.
Victor: It was a townie, so. Good news.

Vasyl: bad news

Veronica: Something would’ve gotten him eventually, anyway.

Veronica: At least this way I got my date spiced up!

Victor: All’s well that ends well.

The Grim Reaper: WHY SO DOWN?
Valerie: Killing people looks fun. I want to kill people.

Patrick: This is inappropriate.
Veronica: Hot, right?

Coy: We look like we’re kissing from this angle.
Richard: OFFICER

ruh roh o’clock

Richard: It’s time for the community healing to begin.
Veronica: Pockets again!
Patrick: Stop it.

Veronica: Nothing like a good death to put the zip back in your life!

Richard: I’d call it a pretty middling death, by local standards.

Veronica: See anything good out there?
Richard: Smoky glasses + smoky windows = no.

Richard: Wait, I think I see something!
Vasyl: Greetings from beyond the g-
Richard: It’s behind this transparent asshole!

Veronica: Wanna jet before it crashes?
Patrick: Uh…
Veronica: Confusing phrasing, yes. Wanna leave before the lot crashes?

Patrick: If the lot crashes, that dude won’t have died.
Veronica: But then you won’t get to come home and play with my Richard finger puppet!

Now you see it too.

Veronica: Who’s this weird jerk?
Coy: The police chief.

Wren: Stop looking down my shirt.
Victor: Pff, at what.

Coy: At what what.

William: Well hello there, hot stuff!

William:not stuff?
Past Grugly: *finally woke up apparently*

Veronica: Hey Uncle William!
William: The tower can TALK?!

Veronica: He knows it was me, he just doesn’t want to chat.

Patrick: I, too, am tired of chatting.


Patrick: Hey, your bodyguard’s reading your mail!
Veronica: Give it a week, she’ll have escalated to voter fraud.

Theresa: Who are you kidding? I’m a secret agent. We do voter fraud as a training exercise.

SNORGK

Veronica: I think he’s getting tired of the makeouts.
Patrick: Fuck him, then.

Veronica: How ’bout I fuck you instead?
Harry Potter and the Hand of Pimp: Did I miss the fucking audition?

Patrick: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

JJ: I heard you were doing boyfriend tryouts last chapter!
Veronica: That was just so we could do an Elton John song.

Veronica: Although suddenly I’m in favour of a little healthy competition!

Patrick: I DID MY WAITING! TWELVE YEARS OF IT!
JJ: In Azkaban?
Patrick: No, in townie housing.

Oops, went too far.

Patrick: Was that a goodbye kiss?
Veronica: With a touch of “see you later.”

Veronica: See you later!
JJ: Don’t be redundant.

Patrick: He seemed nice.
Veronica: He’s alright. A bit fucked up, but dark wizards trying to kill you all the time will do that to a guy.

Oh, good, the special ops have arrived.

Let me direct you to the highest-priority targets.

Oh. It’s you.

Vanessa: And I see a perfectly good target right here.

Vanessa: Betcha I can punch him right off the roof.

POOMPF

Vanessa: Never mind, his head just exploded.

Patrick: That looked like a BLOOD cloud.
Veronica: I’m new at the whole “scissors” thing.

Patrick: YOU CUT GLASSES ONTO MY HEAD!

Maybe for the 500th chapter I’ll do a rundown of my top 500 nonsensical, completely unique lines of dialogue.

Spying on the trailer trash, huh.

Vanessa: I know all your dirty little secrets now, shingle roof!

I can see why she’d want to occupy her eyes.

Long day at work?

Michael: ENTROPY sent TEN DIFFERENT KIMONO-WEARING SECRET AGENTS to lobby me on behalf of the big chaos industry.

Veronica: Don’t add extra rumples, I’ve got them just where I want them.

Vanessa rehearses her soon-to-be controversial “Crime: No!” speech for the senate.

That’s a hardline stance.

For the senate.

Veronica: Speaking of a hard line…
Patrick: Guilty.

Veronica: Let’s see if we can’t take some of that pressure off your pants.

In other news, their bodies definitely didn’t age up wrong or anything.

Patrick: If there’s something wrong with her body, you might need to point it out to me.

Veronica: Do you like my undies?
Patrick: Yeah, take them off and let me get a closer look at them.

Patrick: Oops I immediately dropped them.

Veronica: So immediately drop yours.

Patrick: Sure, that’s only fair.

Veronica: …I’d say it’s a little more than fair.

Patrick: You sure you want to do this?
Veronica: It’s always good to ask, but I have been haemorrhaging clothes since I came inside.

Veronica: So now it’s your turn.
Patrick: My turn to what?
Veronica: To come ins-
Patrick: WAIT I GET IT

Veronica: Good, now give it to me.

Veronica: Preferably before my genitals dry up.

Patrick: So, uh…
Veronica: The pointy thing? In the fleshy bit.

Patrick: I hope I hit the right fleshy bit.

Patrick: You’ll let me know if I-
Veronica: Oh yes.

Veronica: Alright feet, pilot him into port.

Patrick: You seem to know what you’re doing.
Veronica: What I’m doing right now is what I’ve been doing my entire life: NOT HAVING SEX YET

shunk

Patrick: Oh, good, you’re one of those stone-faced fuckers.

Vanessa: As a good politician, I know never to uncork a genie if you can’t re-cork him.

Veronica: Well, that ship’s sailed.

Patrick: Why’s my dick a ship, again?
Veronica: Because it’s way too big to just be a boat.

Veronica: Ooh, mood lighting!
Patrick: This is way darker than my mood right now.

Patrick: Your hair’s clipping.
Veronica: You might want to tighten your focus.

Patrick: So tight.

Patrick: Thank you for consenting to be kissed while we sex.

Patrick: And thank you for the thoroughly-disconcerting hoverhand.
Veronica: I don’t know how good your ass hygiene is.

Veronica: Mom was right! Your face got stuck like that!

Unlike in real life, it actually does happen in TS2.

Patrick: Might as well make use of it.

Veronica: When in Rome.

Patrick: When in Veronica.

Veronica: …do as the Veronicas do?
Patrick: No, just do the Veronica.

Veronica: That makes this sound like a new dance craze.
Patrick: Please don’t switch partners on me.

Patrick: ♪ I remember when rock was young ♪
Veronica: Bleh.

Patrick: ♪ Now I’ve had the time of my life ♪
Veronica: Wow, that’s one heck of a goofy-ass baritone you have there.

Michael: Eight straight office hours aren’t enough for you people?

Michael: Do we need to open a consulate to your evil organization of evil?

Vanessa: You’re in grave danger, Mr. Whittaker.
Michael: From what?
Vanessa: Me.

Vanessa: Antiochus.

Michael: Ouch, my subliminal trigger!

Vanessa: No hard feelings. Us evils gotta evil.

Upstairs Vanessa: Call the cops?
Downstairs Vanessa: Oh, please do! I haven’t briefed them in a while.

Michael: Okay well thank you for whatever awful thing you just did to my brain.
Vanessa: Let me know how it doesn’t work out for you!

Patrick: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MADE THE COMING INSIDE JOKE

Vanessa: Trust Sharpesvale to turn a coming of age story into a coming inside story.

Okay, this is getting too raunchy, let’s stop.

Next time: …oh.

Well, maybe I’ll caption it less disgustingly?

This chapter depicts gameplay from 7 September 2012 to 8 September 2012.

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