The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 404

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which new avenues of procrastination are explored.

That photo is fully 50% Whittaker.

Theresa: So hey, Joshua, how are you…


Yeah, he, uh.

Theresa: Died?

Yeah, he died.

Talk about your good profile pics.

Yes, I will do literally anything to procrastinate, why do you ask?

Theresa: So your plan is to kill all the hot dudes and draw all the hot chicks?

I mean, given the chance, is there a reason I’d let it pass me by?

Chris: What’re you doing?
Anthony: Determining if you’re hot enough to get drawn. It might get me killed.
Chris: You are not a hot dude, though.
Anthony: If that’s a joke, I don’t get it.

God dammit.

Okay, no more attractive people in this update, please.

Now you’re getting the idea!

Chris: I got an illustration! That raises my chances of survival!

Frankly, that nose-skintone-freckles combination raised them about as high as they’ll go already.

Theresa: In other news, kimono people want to steal my sky money.

Theresa: What you playin’ at, Ronin?

Anthony: Why can’t our garbage can have a people incinerator?

Veronica: What did I just step into?

Veronica: Doesn’t matter, it’s about me now.

That’s right, keep a safe distance.

I do NOT want to do another illustration.

I might need to update Theresa’s to show her nearsightedness and eye strain better, though.

Anthony: Where you off to?
Theresa: Bodyguarding the teenager.
Anthony: But… the teenager hasn’t gone anywhere yet.
Theresa: It’s easier to bodyguard people when you can anticipate their movements.

Theresa: Teenagers are easy to anticipate. They’re always trying to fit in.

Theresa: Best case scenario, I get to crack some greasy nerd skull today.

Veronica: Theresa! Fancing meeting you here!
Theresa: Veronica! Fancy you being so slow!

Shea: Oh god, please, I don’t want any trouble.

Shea: With this many playables we’re bound to get some death and destruction going.

Swoon all you like, I’m only illustrating the women.

Theresa: That’s sexist.

It’s sexiest.

…oh god, oh god, I think I might have just re-made a Lucas joke.

Lyndsey: I love a bad man who I’m not related to.

And there’s the subtle difference between you and a Sharpe.

Abigail: Weird! When I pass through solid objects my standards go down.

Cory: Got another illustration in you?

I’m trusting in Past Grugly’s constant failure to provide closeups for the answer to be no.

Richard: Speakin of close ups, baby, how’d you like to eeeeugh it’s my sister nevermind.


Nick: I don’t know which one of you to shoot! MY LOAD INTO

Veronica: …the one who isn’t your cousin?
Nick: I dunno, the historical precedents suggest otherwise.

Veronica: What’s your name?
Tyler: Tyler!
Veronica: Wow! You must be really cool for the Maker to remember that.

No, it’s just that the Maker’s brain is bad at prioritizing.

Teen brains, on the other hand, have that one aspect of their shit together.

Veronica: Are you trying to Jedi mind trick my tits?

Theresa: Man! Look at all the not-Alvins here!

Theresa: Payphone, payphone on the wall…

Theresa: Who’s the not-Alvinest of them all?

Don’t ask him his name.

Veronica: You don’t remember it?

And I want to keep it that way.

Shea: Thought I’d check out this “outside” people keep talking about.

Veronica: And in other places, they call it pop!
Richard: It’s neat how your personality is inversely interesting to your face.

Veronica: You’re no great shakes yourself, Black William.

Veronica: Hey, Black William! Now you sound like a pirate.
Patrick: Don’t express attraction by comparing me to your uncle.
Veronica: Oh, I’m sorry, do you not know about my family?

Patrick: That’s all made up, though, right? You’re not actually a bunch of weird incest people.
Shea: They don’t know that they are.

Veronica: Riiiight.

Veronica: Holy SHIT how many styles is that?!

Esther: God, this kitchen’s getting balloony.

Patrick: Where you goin’?
Veronica: I’m assessing my options.

Theresa: So…
Richard: Yes, I am doing it just to be a contrarian, thanks for asking!


Esther: Do you have the traditional pre-meal bribe?
Patrick: You’re… making that up?
Esther: A tragic mis-assessment.


Theresa: You might as well take her up on that. I don’t trust my emotions anymore, since I started a relationship with the doofiest goofsnot in the whole neighbourhood.

Esther: ♪ It’s a habit I have, I don’t get pushed around ♪

Patrick: ♪ Stop twinklin’ your star like you do ♪
Veronica: What?

Patrick: ♪ I’m not the blueprint for all of your B-films ♪
Veronica: …what?

Patrick: ♪ Because I’ve seen that movie too ♪

Patrick: ♪ The one where the players are actin’ surprised ♪

Esther: It’s not an act

Patrick: ♪ Sayin’ love’s just a four-letter word ♪

Patrick: The one you’re thinking.

♪ Between forcing smiles, with the knives in their eyes ♪

♪ Oh their actions become so absurd ♪

Patrick: ♪ So keep your auditions for somebody who hasn’t got so much to lose ♪

Patrick: ♪ ‘cuz you can tell by the lines I’m reciting, that I’ve seen that movie too ♪
Veronica: Should we have been forming a flash mob?

Hi Fistler!

Evelyn: …this is awkward.

Evelyn: That’s not what I was referring to.


Veronica: What?

I’m not sketching a teen in her bathing suit.

Evelyn: Yeah, that would be pretty sketchy. WHICH IS MY KINK

Veronica: I’m dressed to make you horny!
Patrick: How did you know?
Veronica: You told me during some pics that got pruned, to make that stupid song thing work better.

Patrick: I make my worst decisions off-screen.

Abigail: My worst decisions get entire chapters to themselves!

Patrick: It’s so hot, sometimes, that you look like not a real person.

Veronica: Give me a minute to digest that.

Abigail: A whole MINUTE for DIGESTION?! Let me get you some of my ten-second Gastric Superbypass pills.

Kari Lee: *is a time-travelling younger Mr. Crumplebottom*

Lyndsey: *is a de-aged female Bradleigh*

Nick: *is a weird jerk*

Veronica: *resides completely in the Uncanny Valley*

Veronica: Wanna see how uncanny my valley is?

Patrick: Why aren’t we touching?
Veronica: Because the Maker’s so bored he’s more interested in framing the bartender with our chests than with showing us make out.

I think my constant diversion to these nobodies over here is also a warning sign.

Theresa: You wanna go somewhere less trashy? With a ceiling?

I mean, I could so something about that stucco, but it wouldn’t do anything about the huge gaps between the ceiling and the walls, so why the fuck would I.

Theresa: Gotta jet, smokeshow, mark’s on the move.
Veronica: Do you need me to lay you some breadcrumbs, or…?

I’ve had to raise the bar a lot on this over the years. Presently I’ve decided to only start worrying if the THERAPIST shows up and starts macking on people.

Veronica: Overshot it, lady.
Theresa: One thing your uncle’s taught me is that there’s no such thing as “overshooting.”

Veronica: Lost him somehow back there.

He was black, downtown, enjoying himself, with a white woman.

Call the police station.

Veronica: What happened to you?
Patrick: Do you know an old lady with a purse?

Veronica: He’s lucky to be alive.

Veronica: I’m lucky to be alive.

I’m starting to take this as a challenge.

Veronica: If you’re gonna ruin my life, at least wait until I’m somewhere interesting.

Theresa: ♪ Other people’s mail! ♪

That’s a federal offense.

Theresa: I’m a federal agent. Federal offensives are my stock-in-trade.

Aurora: beep beep

Aurora: help

Oh good, Crash Central Station.

Veronica: COME BACK
Mallory: You talking to me?
Veronica: Why would I be talking to you? YOU’RE NOT EVEN HERE

Veronica: My grandma’s company owns this tower.
Patrick: Who’s your grandma?
Veronica: …uh… well… for starters, she owns a tower… uh…

Veronica: My dad’s company tried to buy the tower, but he bought my mom instead.

Patrick: He made the right choice!

Veronica: Sharpesvale was named after my aunt and uncle. They’re even thinking of naming a new university after my other aunt!
Patrick: Unearned prestige is so hot.

Noelle: Modern architecture is like a trash fire. Even if you manage to look away, you can’t keep the stench off everything around it.
Mallory: Pithy.

Patrick: Doesn’t this thing have an elevator?
Veronica: They never opened it.
Patrick: Why?
Veronica: Imagine sharing an elevator with townies.
Patrick: Fuuuuuuuhhhuuuuck.

Patrick: Wait, I’m a townie.

Veronica: This would be a great shot.

If I hadn’t left the walls down.

Veronica: If you hadn’t left the walls down.

Thankfully I’ve devolved responsibility for that sort of thing to a third party!

Past Grugly: Behold, I am become scapegoat, maker of mistakes.

Patrick: This is manipulative.
Veronica: Don’t pretend you don’t want to be manipulated.

Veronica: Or I’ll stop pretending to want to manipulate you.

Patrick: Are your eyes open?
Veronica: My eyes are huge. It takes too much effort to close them.

Mallory: I like how we’re so high up, we can see the edge of eternity.

You like that?

Mallory: That’s the right word, isn’t it? “I like” means “I am pants-shittingly terrified about,” right?

Veronica: Yeah, our horizon is way too close.
Patrick: Pithy! And you didn’t even need a helmet.

Past Grugly and I share a moment.

Patrick: He’s pretty proud of himself.

If I wasn’t, y’all wouldn’t exist, so maybe shut up about it.

Veronica: Yeah Patrick, stop destabilizing our tenuous existence and mack on me already.

Patrick: AGAIN

I’m not even looking at y’all, I’m just hitting the “C” key occasionally.

Past Grugly: Don’t listen to him, he’s lying.

Patrick: There’s a past Maker and a present Maker, now.
Veronica: Let’s just jump off.

Patrick: Normally I’d be all over that, but there’s something else I wanna be all over first.

Mallory: So, you’re just straight-up never gonna notice that I’m not supposed to be here, huh.


Patrick: Is Mallory negatively affecting the canonicity of this date?

Veronica: He’s not gonna tank any amount of gameplay for Mallory.


William: What you lookin’ at?
Valerie: The big blue nothin’.
William: Oh, Veronica’s eyes?

Veronica: That was mean, but it was fair.

Kari: I’m a big fan.
Veronica: …of me?
Kari: No, of, like, other things. It’s my only personality trait, so I always open with it.

Kari: And it never works.

Veronica: We should get out of here before the memory usage spikes above 2k.
Patrick: What happens then?
Veronica: Discontinuity.

Veronica: And I’d rather continue, if you know what I mean.

Hey, they finally put some new lightbulbs in that thing.

Next time: teenage waistland.

I didn’t lie!

There’s no swimsuit.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 7 September 2012.

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