The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 401

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which the last one nearly killed me but hey, gotta keep up the momentum.

There are many stories in Clover County.

Actually right now there’s, like, one.

This is it.

You’re farming a little close to town, aren’t you? Haven’t you ever heard of urban sprawl?

And mechanization?

Cameron: Need money for airfare. Hoping there’s a treasure chest buried under here.

Ah, the price of freedom.

Cameron: …okay, I know what I said, but I was not expecting this.

Victor: Hey, you hiring?

Cameron: No, I’m hiding.
Richard: Who are you talking to?
Cameron: Multiple people, apparently?

Richard: What’s wrong with your face? Is it deformed or something?
Cameron: My sister always said so.

Richard: Are you a famous person, slumming it up? A princess on the run, or something?
Cameron: Elements of that last one are correct.

Richard: Pleased to meet you, princess! At your service.

Richard: Our school bus broke down just up the road.
Cameron: Great.
Brooke: Not really, no.

Cameron: So you’re saying there’s an entire busload of teens walking my way.
Richard: What? No, the rest of them are NPCs. I think some of them might not even be sentient.

Cameron: Yeah, I remember being a teenager.

Richard: Well, nice to meet you, farmer lady!
Brooke: I don’t think she’s a farmer. I think she’s getting ready to hide a body.
Cameron: Only mine, I assure you.

Richard: My criteria for assurance is pretty low, so sure.

Cameron: Wouldn’t you rather talk to that hot chick?
Victor: Normally yes, but her beauty is only skin deep – a custom skin on a Maxis face. Your face looks like it might be custom.

Victor: Hey, wait. Aren’t you-

Victor: I’m not a children, I’m an adult!
Cameron: Oh shit, you are! The body knows.

Victor: Why don’t you come into town with us?
Cameron: Because they’ll shoot me.

Cameron: Now fuck off.

Victor: How ’bout I help you farm? Things are tough at home.
Cameron: They would HAVE to be.

Cameron: Okay, so, here’s the skinny. Back in town there’s cops and politicians and judges waiting to string me up.
Victor: They don’t like farming? Are they cattle people?

Cameron: I may or may not have burned a lot of bridges, via burning most of the county down.

Cameron: And then went to jail. And then went out of jail, but not by the traditonally-acceptable route.

Victor: All that nefariousness has you pretty tense!
Cameron: If you’re thinking of strangling me, you should know I used to be the instrument of wrath for a Greek god who lives miles below sea level. My muscles are pretty tough.

Victor: Pretty AND tough! I’m impressed.

Cameron: You’re taller.
Victor: I’m standing on your boots.
Cameron: No, you’re not.

Cameron: Do you really find me attractive?
Victor: It might just be your badass backstory and the aura of unresolved menace you give off, but yeah.

Cameron: I’ve always just wanted to be loved for my aura of unresolved menace, rather than in spite of it!

Cameron: You’re definitely taller.
Victor: The Maker’s trying out new things. It’ll pass.

Cameron: I’m not complaining! Normally I’d be kissing at your forehead level, and foreheads don’t kiss back!

Cameron: Okay, the extra height is not helping here.

Victor: So, where you running off to? SimCanada?
Cameron: Nah, nobody goes to SimCanada anymore.

I’ve been meaning to get that Legacy going again…

Then again, I’m satisfied with having gotten the Chronicles going again.

Victor: Going again and going on!

Cameron: I think the stretch makes your head look big.
Victor: What’s doing it to your nose, then?

Cameron: I’m shy about my nose.


Victor: You would never betray a man, would you?
Cameron: I mean, not again, probably…

Brooke: Just FYI, the bus is on fire now.

Victor: Let the motherfucker burn.


Victor: BURN

Cameron: I don’t like that song, but I do like to see it used ironically!

This is about the time where I start looking ahead to see if the makeouts ever stop.

They do, I promise.

Cameron: So yeah, I just escaped a life sentence at your grandpa’s jail.
Victor: Does Hallmark sell a card for that?

Cameron: I don’t know if anywhere in the world is safe for me, so I’m thinking I’ll go where the bears outnumber the Sims.

Victor: That way if anyone comes to find you, the bears’ll get ’em!

You ever dance with the gardener in the warm sunlight?


Samella: Or am I just making that up?

Samella: God, I’m a bad lawyer.


Samella: They didn’t ask their wives.

Victor: Best. Transition. Ever.

Victor: Oh! Hello there.

Victor: Where you goin’?

Victor: Ohhhhh.

Cameron: Dig that hole a bit while you’re at it.

Cameron: “It” also being a kind of hole-digging.



Victor: Did all that ocean pressure compress your vagina?

Victor: Thanks, Poseidon!

Victor: I think I just found religion!

Victor: If this ass was any tighter, it would stop paying its bills!

Victor: You’ve got legs like Scarlett Johannsen’s stunt double!

Victor: And a tramp stamp, which as a teenager I appreciate.

Cameron: Do you eventually stop talking?

Victor: Sorry. It’s either one kind of ejaculation or the other.

This is actually what female and male minds do at the moment of climax.

Victor: So I guess I’m into older women.
Cameron: Literally into.

Cameron: So, I see you’re engaged.
Victor: Yeah, but I like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain.

Cameron: ♪ Come with me, and escape ♪

That’s not today’s song.

I’ve got a better one.

Cameron: Do you have a passport?
Victor: No.
Cameron: Good, me either.

Victor: I have a good idea for a cover identity, though.

Victor: It’ll also keep me from having to testify against you!

Victor: Will you be my second fiancé?
Cameron: Probably! It’s weird, but probably!

Cameron: My new identity’s first article of clothing! It’s expensive, as clothing goes.

Victor: I like it when clothing goes.

Cameron: We’ll need outfits. My gardener one won’t do, although there WILL be cowboy hats where we’re going.
Victor: ♪ I see by your outfit ♪

We’re not doing that one either.

We’re not doing any more of THIS, either either.

Unless we can work in a few good cleavage shots, gahhhh I really needed to get laid back in 2012.

It should’ve been easy, what with everyone thinking the world was about to end.

Cameron: When does our world end?

I dunno, I’m doing some tech fixes for the game as we speak.

Cameron: It’s because he bragged about how stable his game is.



Wait, where’d she go?


Victor: That’s my line.

Victor: I can feel her trying to have a line, too.

Victor: I’d tell her to stop, but it’s a neat feeling.

There’s a metaphor here.

Victor: Oh no, I’m short again.
Cameron: All that frustrated semen must have been swelling you up.

Cameron: I’m sorry, that was way too gross to say out loud.

Victor: I like your tanlines.
Cameron: I got them under the ocean.
Victor: …how?
Cameron: The under-ocean sun, of course!
Victor: There’s a sun under the ocean?
Cameron: Um, duh? How else would we sea?

Cameron: Okay, that was weak, I admit it.

Don’t reward her for it!

Cameron: Tat for tit.

Cameron: I don’t get nearly enough tat.

How I despise those lot lines at night.

Cameron: If you’re not gonna watch the porn, why MAKE the porn?

I already watched it once. Now it’s my job to subvert my original intentions.

Cameron: You’re so sexy when you’re artificially elongated!

Victor: I feel like a freak.

You look like a freak.

Victor: I’m gonna get my freak out. And also buy you some clothes.

Cameron: Warm ones, please.

Victor: Maybe I’ll get her one of those scam jackets that are more insulated than you could ever possibly need.

Kennedy: That Canada Goose shit? I get heat stroke just thinking about it.

Brady: Why are you buying women’s clothes?
Victor: For the womens, obviously.

Victor: Okay, you got me. I’ve got a secret mistress on the edge of town who’s on the run from the prison cops.
Brady: That’s funny, as long as it’s a joke! So I won’t pry further.

Brooke: I have questions.
Brady: That won’t do your longevity any good, ’round here.

Sharpestone in the window!

Ooh, and Past Grugly NOTICED!

Past Grugly: Dude, I’m not an idiot, I’m just younger.

Amin: Isn’t that the jail cow?

Amin: I guess it was!

Past Grugly on a ROLL!

Alvin: Hey William!
Victor: I’m… not William. I’m his son.
Alvin: Meh! I’m close, biologically-speaking.

Victor: You sell NEWSPAPERS here now?
Brady: No. We have them FOR sale, but nobody has EVER bought one.

Brooke: Presumably he wants to see if the crime he’s covering up has been reported yet.

Victor: Shut up shut up SHUT UP

Brady: Pay up pay up PAY UP

Victor: Hey everybody, it’s Venkat Hogan!
Venkat: Hey hey hey!
Victor: We love you Venkat Hogan!

Brooke: Did he seem taller to you?

The Price Family has doubled!

Victor: Hi, joke butt!
Cameron: What?
Victor: ‘cuz you’ve been the butt of jokes about your last name so much lately.
Cameron: Oh. Haha.

Victor: My arm’s stuck in handjob position.
Cameron: Neat!

Cameron: Alright, let’s read the bad news.

Cameron: Hmm. That’s not good.

Cameron: And THAT’s not BETTER!

Cameron: Yep yep, I’m fucked.

Cameron: I hope you look old enough to buy plane tickets, Vic.

Cameron: Alternatively I’ll buy them online? Duh.

Cameron: You’ll be very useful to me in hold-my-beer country.

Victor: Good news! It’s worse than I thought.

Victor: So my hand is visibly in one place, and physically in another.
Cameron: Meh, it’s all relative.

Victor: I wonder what skill I’m building.
Cameron: Existentialism.

Victor: Will that be useful?
Cameron: *sigh* I just don’t know, man.

Victor: Ha ha.

Cameron: Okay hot stuff, it’s settled.
Victor: Can we take a moment to fix the hand situation before we go? I don’t want to enter an airport looking like I’m holding an invisible gun.

Victor: And making these FACES I’m making.
Cameron: Why ARE you making those faces?
Victor: Because they won’t make themselves?

Cameron: Ask a teen a question, get a stupid answer.

Victor: Hmm. I’d go with something to hide that respectable schnoz, if I were you.

Cameron: I’ll dress rich and lean into it.

Cameron: That is NOT the haircut of a rich person’s boy-toy.
Victor: You haven’t seen many of them, then, huh.


Victor: I thought it was sexy!




Cameron: Let’s put that claw to good use.

Cameron: Hey! The taxi you sent bugged out and disappeared.
Blazej: Ohh, that’s gonna cost you.

Cameron: It wasn’t MY fault!
Blazej: We can’t very well bill the Maker, now, can we?

Victor: Yes! I’ll go as Evil Victor.

Cameron: Just… fuckin’… send a replacement, okay?
Blazej: Okay, but if it bugs out again, I’m sending a hit squad.

Cameron: Did you know the taxi drivers have a hit squad?
Victor: Yeah, they’re attached to the teamsters.

Cameron: I’ll miss water that isn’t solid.

Victor: We can send away for some bottles.
Cameron: Well, I mean, there’s still tap water there. How did you think we’d survive without water?
Victor: I don’t see a Water need on my panel. I’m not a fuckin’ PLANTSIM.

Blazej: The man has a point.

Blazej: Where we headed?
Cameron: Three Lakes.
Blazej: Which one first?

Blazej: Get it? Because there’s THREE?

Cameron: So I killed him, and hired you instead.
Victor: Solid choice.

Cameron: Forget her.

Cameron: We’re starting a new life here! A life of fresh air, shapeless clothing, and floating background mountains.

Victor: Also a life where my hand works again.

♪ Bit by bit ♪

♪ I’m gonna get my bricks out in the sticks, bit by bit ♪

♪ I’m gonna build my house in the wildest thicket ♪

♪ I’m gonna get away from all those mouths, and my shit ♪

♪ I’m gonna say goodbye to all the la-di-da-di-da-di-da-di-da ♪

Cameron: But not the fuglies!

Never the fuglies.

Cameron: ♪ I’m getting on a mountain ♪
Asia: ♪ Far away from the people on the ground? ♪

Cameron: ♪ And some cop sticking up my wagon ♪

Cameron: ♪ Chop, chop, we gonna build a cabin ♪
Victor: It’s already built?

Cameron: ♪ Up top on a pretty little mountain ♪
Victor: It is pretty.

Cameron: ♪ Fuck off, all you people on the ground ♪

Cameron: ♪ Yeah. ♪

Victor: The dirt floor’s an… interesting touch.
Cameron: I got the idea from a friend.


Cameron: This friend, she built a whole house by digging shit up!

She also got murdered.

Cameron: I’m picking and choosing my influences.

Cameron: Hopefully.

Cameron: I hope they still have treasure chests this far north.
Victor: I also came north for the chests.

Next time: something similar, with a twist.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 5 September 2012.

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