The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 398

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which man, I thought we were done with crashes.

And now, the splooge household.

That’s actually a much better name.

Richard: …what day is it?
Samantha: You already asked that ironic question.
Richard: Yeah, but that was just before the crash, I wasn’t sure if it saved.

Samantha: Awesome! I can go home now.

Lance: Okay! Let’s see if we can’t not fuck that up again.

The English language is a lovely thing.

Lance: It’s Greek I’m having trouble with.

Emmy: My problems are stickier.

Emmy: Aww FUCK no

Emmy: Aww FUCK NO

Emmy: FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY

Lance: Working on it.

Lance: Ohhhh, I missed the little accent on the “ό.” There’s an “it’s all Greek to me” joke to be made here, but I’m not in the mood.

SAY THE WORDS
PREPARE THE KNIFE
TAKE THE STEP

Lance: And take a life. Yeah, I get it, it just seems a bit… old-fashioned.

Lance: Just because I want evil power doesn’t mean I want to get the cops after me, you know? Ritual sacrifice was a lot easier before DNA and fingerprinting.

Speaking of DNA.

She’s turning heads to an almost lethal degree.

It’s only “almost” because Past Grugly apparently decided for reasons unknown to spare this poor schlub.

By “poor schlub” I of course mean low-quality schlub.

Lance: Okay, so I have to kill someone. I accept that. I technically already killed someone; I killed that butler like a million years ago, and that other butler, like nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine years ago.

Lance: But man, look at her. Doin’ stuff. Makin’ it hard on me.

Emmy: …is it clean now? It’s so hard to tell.

Emmy: I think there’s an entire bigfoot in this drain.

Lance: I mean, hell. I marched right up and zapped her, before the crash! The problem is I’m overthinking it now. Murder is one thing you should never overthink.

Lance: Thinking is the killer-killer.

Lance: Okay, I’m gonna do this.

WORDS ARE SILENT
ACTIONS SPEAK
PUT UP
OR SHUT UP

YOU ARE SUMMONED

Emmy: There better not be anything up there needs cleanin’.

Emmy: ‘cuz you can go summon yourself if there is.

LIKE… ARE YOU… ARE YOU EVEN COMING

Emmy: I’m not getting paid to come.

Emmy: I’m getting paid for getting laid.

♪ Guess that’s the name of the game ♪

Emmy: Disembodied voices are usually not paying customers.

ARE YOU STRAIGHT UP IGNORING ME NOW

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

Lance: Welp, I guess I can’t kill her. Too bad.

Lance: Maybe I could do a panty raid for my initiation!

YOU MOCK THE RITUALS?

Lance: Not, like, habitually…

Lance: I just thought maybe I could be a modernizing influence! On your eternal evil.

YEAH WELL SHE’S ON HER WAY SO GET READY, ASSHOLE

Emmy: I don’t think our roleplay fee schedule includes mind control.

NOW WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

AAAARGH, AND YOUR HAND’S EVEN CLIPPING THROUGH THE SHEETS

They always do that.

HOW CAN YOU STAND IT

Emmy: I think this is how we defeat the evil book.

Emmy: Maybe I should read Reddit out loud at it until it explodes.

Lance: You’re really gonna make me do this?

NO.

Lance: Oh, thank god.

YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE YOURSELF DO IT.

WITH GREAT GRASPING
COMES GREAT GAIN
WITH GREAT POWER

Lance: Comes great pain!

Lance: Okay, fair enough.

Emmy: Hey there, easy green!
Lance: Not so easy.

Lance: I’m having second thoughts about the whole “evil” thing.

Lance: And all my third thoughts are dirty.

Lance: Man… tits are great.
Emmy: Take a good look! Drink it in.
Lance: I can never get enough of tits.

Lance: …I can never get enough tits.
Emmy: I feel like this is taking a turn.

Richard: It’s like I’m watching Groundhog Day without having to put up with Bill Murray!

Blazej: That guy is a real jerk, and people don’t realize it!

Emmy: The boss is home. Let’s go check out the fee schedule, and I’ll find you something extra kinky for a fair price.

Lance: I already know the price for what I want. What I want is everything…

Lance: …and so is the price.

Emmy: Why are we hugging? Hugging isn’t free, you know.
Lance: It’s a goodbye hug.

Richard: I got us a new doormat!

Lance: All the tits. All the tits.

Emmy: If you’re gonna put that inside me, you’re gonna have to pay up front.

Lance: I am paying, up front.

Lance: Unfortunately, we both have to pay.

Lance: Ilektrikόs.

Emmy: I don’t speak… Spanish…

Emmy: WAIT WAS IT ITALIAN

Emmy: I don’t speak… Italian…

Emmy: …either…

Lance Price the Damned: Well. I’ll be damned.

Lance Price the Damned: Ooh, Aspiration Points too!

Richard: Okay, somebody is CLEARLY taking liberties with the staff.

Richard: And I’m suddenly in a position to do something about it!

The Grim Reaper: THIS IS A REALLY PRETTY PIC. YOU’D LIKE IT.

Lance Price the Mostly Damned: Aw, man! Moving around makes me less evil?!

Lance Price the Mostly Damned: I’M TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION!

Lance Price the Mostly Damned: AT SIGNIFICANT PERSONAL COST!

Lance Price the Mostly Damned: If you make me teleport much more, I’ll have to kill someone else to keep my damnation up!

Richard: …she’s… dead?

Yep.

Richard: How?!

Stopped living.

Lance Price the Mostly Damned: Yeah, let’s not get bogged down in the details.

Richard: Let’s get bogged down in my details.

It’s ridiculous.

I like it.

Richard: I loooove it.

Richard: Hey there sexy man, how you so sexy? Man?

Richard: I’m gonna have to start charging ladies to look at me.

Richard: I’ll make so much bank, I’ll buy dad’s company and hire him as a fluffer.

Brothels… don’t have fluffers. That’s porn studios.

Richard: I’ll open a porn studio! Just to make him a fluffer.

Lance Price the Mostly Damned: It’s good to have goals?

Lance Price the Mostly Damned: Okay. Okay. AHEM. Makrozoίa. Did it work? Are we crashing?

Lance Price the Damned: It DID work! And we’re NOT crashing!

What spell was that?

Lance Price the Damned: Long life! I took the life force from that chick I electrocuted, and I ate it.

That’s pretty evil.

Lance Price the Damned: It’s worth full damnation, at least!

Lance Price the Damned: Let’s see what other bad ideas I can dig up.

Richard: Man! You’d normally have to go scuba diving for pearls like these!

Meanwhile, in Australia.

Kay Turner: *turns Kay*

HA. I took two pics, to get a better angle.

I was trying to make it look better! More artistic!

WITH THAT FUCKING STOP SIGN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD

Kay: Yeah, man, seriously.

Richard: Hi! Do you normally look like the lady in this balloon? Because she looks better.

Richard: Although this look does have its charms.

Kay: How old are you? This might be illegal.

Richard: You’ve come to the right place for illegality!

Richard: I sell sex.

Kay: What, with you? That sounds like… two scams at once.

Kay: Ooh, look at me, I’m a teenager! I want to have sex all the time! And I need money for blow!
Richard: Hey, your speech balloon tail’s showing.

Richard: Speaking of tail, we’re had an… opening come up recently.
Kay: I’m not gonna be an opening for you, buddy.

Richard: Her wordplay is superior to mine!

You know I’m getting bored when I start drifting off to look at the scenery.

Instead of the scenery.

Kay: Tell you what. I’ll let you show me around the place.
Richard: There might be a cover charge.
Kay: There’s no cover charge.
Richard: There’s no cover charge.

Richard: She used a Jedi boob trick on me.

Richard: So yeah, we give all our new hires a wardrobe change and their choice of a themed bedroom!
Kay: I don’t see you improving on this look.

Kay: And you can’t buy my body with jewellery!
Richard: Really? ‘cuz I’ve done it before.

Richard: Let me give you a free body assessment.
Kay: Let me give you a free face rearrangement.

Richard: But I don’t want that.

Kay: You have a medieval understanding of body politics.
Richard: You have a dumb haircut.

Richard: So wait, you’re saying autonomous control of your body is a universal human right?
Kay: And consent governs all legal and moral sexual relations!
Richard: Why didn’t I learn this at school?!
Kay: Because the SimNation is basically the United States, and the United States basically doesn’t have schools.

Kay: Oh god, wah wah wah, he’s using us as soapboxes again. Way to practice bodily autonomy, jerk.

I never thought about it that way.

I’m being kind of a hypocrite!

I’ll let you write your own dialogue from now on.

Richard: No violins.

Richard: Curtains.

Kay: Meeting someone new!

Richard: Clouds.

Kay: Okay, fucking stop.
Richard: Me?
Kay: No, keep tickling. I mean fucking stop letting us talk like Sims, we sound like goddamn basket cases.

Richard: So this is consensual ticklage?
Kay: As long as it stays external!

Richard: What about just the fingertips?
Kay: Funny.

Kay: NOT FUNNY

Richard: You’re sending mixed signals.
Kay: That’s because I have mixed feelings.

Kay: But they’re separating out now.

Richard: …is meat ethical?

Sorry man, you’ve reached the limit of my liberality there.

Richard: Is money ethical?

Nope.

Richard: But I’m a FORTUNE SIM!

That’s your dad’s fault.

Richard: Being a greedy money-grubbing asshole is genetic?

It’s usually nurture, but maybe there’s a nature component too.

Richard: Well I’m buying a better mailbox and I don’t care who knows it.

Richard: If I start gold-plating the toilets, stop me.

Nathaniel: I’M FUCKIN’ A BAG

Nathaniel: IT GAVE BIRTH TO A DJ BOOTH

Man, fuckin’…

Maxis Sims walkin’ ’round, takin’ up my walkby slots.

Richard: Somebody say “slots?” I’m awake!

Richard: Hello! Are you looking for a change of career?

Elle: I’ve seen through your windows. You’re not offering me a rose garden.

Richard: We’ve got floors, though. You don’t have floors out here.

Richard: Let me know when you regret not having floors. We’ll talk.

Richard: Where’s my bitch money?

On that lovely note.

LOVELY BANK NOTE

HAHAHAHA

Richard: Man, just… wow.

Shut up. Next time: wand-yanking.

Richard: I’m in!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 18 July 2012.

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