The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 395

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which family matters.

This family, specifically.

Samantha: I don’t get it. There’s letters and numbers where it should say “You’re rich, do what you want.”

Samantha: Teachers are poors! I don’t care what poors think!

Samantha: “Homework.” Pah! I think I’ll have it framed.


Uma: Stay in school, kids! Or you’ll end up naked playing the piano.

Andrea: Or naked playing the skin flute!

Victor: Playing the WHAT


Neila: They’ve got such perfect FOOMPF form, I envy them.

Nick: Speaking of envy…

Victor: Are you trying to turn our love triangle into a love LINE?!

Valerie: I am successful!

I am uninterested.

“Penny”: I could tell you something interesting about her.

But you won’t.

“Penny”: Not until it becomes something more interesting.

“Penny”: In other news I think this dog’s about to be devoured.


William: Smash cut to BIRTHDAY!


It’s the only way they can trick me into watching it!

Wait, is that…

I actually want to see this!

William Jr. Well maybe I don’t actually want to see you.

“Penny”: I’m Victor’s fiancĂ©, so technically I’m allowed in, but I’ve never been in favour of allowances.


“Penny”: It’s more fun if it’s covert.

William Jr.: Who’s that outside?
William: Probably a gardener or some shit.

Valerie: Woo! Teaching elitism! WOO!
Uma: Woo.

Samantha: Wait a second, ARE WE WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT?!

Neila: Grow, you little bugger! Grow!
“Penny”: You heard her, you little bugger.


William: Enter the main cast! Make it 100% more William!

Uma: Woo! View is blocked! Yeah!

Andrea: COCK is blocked! NO!

William Jr.: I’m not ugly!

It’s honestly a miracle.

Victor: So, is it my turn now?

Valerie: Hahaha why are we interacting

Andrea: I feel that way about a lot of people lately.

“Penny”: He’s got good genetics. Now to take care of the upbringing.

William: Can I make a contribution to your cause?

Nick: Do you know which is cake and which is dick?
Uma: Definitely.
Nick: …but do you?

Valerie: Now, let’s test your psychic abilities.

Valerie: Very good!

William: So, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you about your mom.
William Jr.: Yes? YES?!
William: …she was eaten by a retcon monster and no longer ever existed.

William Jr.: That’s not what you were gonna say.
William: Yeah, well, I can see your mother looking up at me out of that face, and… yeeesh, she still scares me.

William: I will tell you how to magic backflip, though.

William: Since our house has few doors and zero elevators.
William Jr.: Why is that?
William: Design oversight.

It was NOT!

William: It was too, and you know it.

William: There. You’re a real Sharpe, now. You’re even more Sharpe than most Sharpes! Pretend I didn’t say that, I will not be explaining it.

William: Maybe once you’re a full-grown protagonist.

William Jr.: Here’s what I think of that.


William: Aw, he’s got his mother’s violence.

In other news, this is getting out of hand.

William Jr.: Am I handsome?

You’re basically an improved version of your dad.

William Jr.: Is he handsome?

I dunno, but if handsomeness can be measured in sex achieved…

William Jr.: He’s achieved a lot of sex.

Uma: We should all go on vacation together.
William: That could be fun!
Andrea: Yeah! We could take bets on who ends up buried in pieces under the beach!

Uma: My money’s on Nick.

Asia: This should be a good place to watch from.

Watch what?

Asia: The news says it’s tonight!

Asia: Too much light pollution and smelly townie pollution down there.

Asia: Right on time!

Asia: Harriet’s Comet. It only comes every few decades! We learned about it in school. It flew overhead the moment Pine Valley was founded! They say sometimes it comes in the day, and sometimes it comes in the night.

Asia: As I am in danger of doing.

Victor: It’s only a danger if you pretend it’s not awesome.

Asia: You had me at giant dick.

Victor: I’ll have you, and you can have the giant dick!

Victor: Look, he likes you!

Asia: I’m married.
Victor: Look, he likes you even more!

Asia: You fuckin’ people.

Nerissa: Diiiiicks.


Victor: Please don’t be dead.

Asia: My head…

William Jr.: I’mma wipe my butt on everything.

William Jr.: My butt is clean, though. I’m not a monster.

William Jr.: BUTT CLOUD!


William Jr.: It’s what’s for butt!

Asia: I’m really into ar-
Victor: So, about secret agen-
Asia: Hahaha, you go ahead.
Victor: Don’t interrupt me.

Asia: Are you a secret agent?
Victor: I have secrets, and I have agency, so I’d say yes!

William: The Sharpes have more secrets than they do money.

William Jr.: And yet some things are frustratingly out in the open.

William Jr.: I can see this from my bed.

William Jr.: A lot to live up to.

Okay, go… do… literally anything else.

William Jr.: This place is basically a shrine to people I’m never gonna meet.

Nick: ‘grats on pooping!

Victor: So hey. Your clothes. Still on. Whycome?

Asia: I blame you.

William Jr.: *takes stairs very slowly*

William Jr.: Like, who is this?

That’s your aunt Vanessa. She killed herself and came back wrong and thought she was your mom’s sister.

William Jr.: If she’s my aunt… why isn’t she my mom’s sister?

She’s your dad’s sister.

William Jr.: Oh, okay. That makes sense.

Only because I left out the details.

William Jr.: And who’s this?

That’s your aunt Virginia. She died in the fire your aunt Vanessa started, and she’s still dead.

William Jr.: Why?

I dunno, every story needs a Thomas and Martha Wayne or an Uncle Ben or whatever.

What could he possibly have done to make you mad at him?


William: What a dick! And what a dick!

Victor: You may call me What-a-Dick.

Asia: That’ll be easy to remember!

William Jr.: And this is my aunt Cecilia.

You know about her?

William Jr.: Whenever I ask for a scary bedtime story, she comes up.

William Jr.: She’s even got a TV show about her. She’s horrible! I kinda like her.

William Jr.: Ha, wait! The lady who plays her on TV is my mom. But she doesn’t look anything like her!


William Jr.: She must’ve sucked a lot of-


William Jr.: What? My dad taught me to speak, what do you expect?

Victor: Hey baby, wanna suck a lot of?

Victor: Or sure, we can do wuss shit too.

William Jr.: Why are they all wearing underpants?

Because your brother ordered the statues, and he thinks he’s not sexually attracted to his family members.

William Jr.: So which dead weirdo is this?

“Penny”: That one’s nobody. They had a leftover statue at the statue store, and they bought it for symmetry.

Victor: I like symmetry.

“Penny”: Get over here, little man!
William Jr.: I haven’t been trained for this.

William Jr.: Who are you, weird lady?
“Penny”: The weirdest lady of all! But you may call me “Penny.”
William Jr.: With quotation marks?
“Penny”: Yes. Only you may use the quotation marks.

Asia: My husband’s gonna wonder where I am.
Victor: He can wonder, but good luck finding you.

William Jr.: Are you my brother’s girlfriend?
“Penny”: That’s right.
William Jr.: Are you gonna get a statue?
“Penny”: Maybe I already have one.

“Penny”: Maybe I already am one.

Asia: Okay, look.



William Jr.: Are you from far away?
“Penny”: No.
William Jr.: You seem… from far away.
“Penny”: I’ve got a lot on my mind.

Nick: Threeee racks.

“Penny”: All you need to know, kid, is that I’m on your side.
William Jr.: Why do I need a side?
“Penny”: You’ll know when the other side takes shape.

“Penny”: That statue behind you, for example. That lady will be on the other side.
William Jr.: Who is she?
“Penny”: A murderer.
William Jr.: Who’d she murder?
“Penny”: My… a friend. Of mine.

William Jr.: How’d you get friends, being so cryptic?

“Penny”: How’d you get your face, being so fuck your face?

Asia: Came for the comet, stayed for the guilt.

“Penny”: How come you weren’t watching for the comet?
William Jr.: Lady, I’m the reason for the comet.

William Jr.: Nature had to balance out my ascension with a descent.

“Penny”: You’re alright, you little bugger.
William Jr.: Better than.

Next time: more Sharpenanigans.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 7 July 2012.

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