The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 391

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which an incursion is incurred.


Elvis: WHERE’S MY MONEY, BITCH

Laci: You already made that joke with the parrot.

It’s still funny.

Brooke: NOTHING IS FUNNY

Cory: Brandi, you’re a fine girl.
Brandi: Probably made that joke already too.

Let me direct you to the fact that this is CHAPTER THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY-ONE.

We have made ALL THE JOKES.

Anyway I like the book version better.

Brandi: Okay, first of all, “Brandy”?

I don’t like using names created by the game.

Brandi: Second of all, “#2”?!?!

It’s chronological! It was only fair!

Cory: He’s plugging his books again.
Jane: That’ll stop once they fail miserably.

It will!

Cory: No! Spies are supposed to distrust each other! It’s not a betrayal, it’s a prerequisite!

Cory: It’ll be fun! You, me, and B&E!

Elvis: Nice gams, baby!

Laci: Gross.

Corey: Besides, we need to start adventuring soon, because the Maker’s actually starting to use the camera creatively again! We’re missing out!

Yeah, for example, this is Brandi taking a picture…

…and this is the picture Brandi took.

Roger: That’s about as fucked-up as a stop sign in the middle of the road!

With another stop sign sticking out of the bottom of it.

Roger: Yeah, that!

Laci: Come on, you little dingus. Haven’t got all day.

Cory: YES, I’m sure I wouldn’t rather bust some prostitutes! You do know prostitution isn’t illegal?

Laci: They’re called baby chairs! They’re what people who care about their babies have.

Laci: Laci doesn’t care about her baby.
Elvis: Laci doesn’t care about her baby!
Laci: You may address me as Mommy.

Cory: Wanna break into the courthouse and maybe get killed?
Brandi: I wanna find and kill Brandi #1.

Cory: I’m sure she’s not as hot as you! Don’t put the illustration up.

I wasn’t gonna.

I’m not giving this shit away.

Except when I am.

Brandi: Okay, how ’bout this. I’ll send William on a wild goose chase, so you can break into his office.
Cory: Yessss! Chasing a wild goose is dangerous!
Brandi: It won’t be a literal wild goose.
Cory: Aww, why?!

Brandi: William? There’s a sale at the Hot Chick Store in Port Arthur.
William: How have I never heard of this?!

Cory: Okay Plain, it’s time.
Jane: My name is JANE.
Cory: That’s what I said. Plain.

William: Where in Port Arthur is the Hot Chick Store?
Brandi: Uh… it’s on the Chick Tract.

Roger: I’ll thank you not to mention those.

Cory: I love the smell of plot in the morning.

Cory: Smells like unnecessary risks.

Tracy: What do unnecessary risks smell like?

Prepared blowfish.

Jane: You are not prepared! Blowfish.

Cory: It’s true.

Jane: This all seems normal.

Aw hell, the townie trap snared someone I actually care about!

Jane: Why are all these townies trapped here?
Cory: Uh… it’s a glitch.
Jane: But what’s the in-story reason?
Cory: Uh… classified?

Jane: Look. I know you think the governor is up to something, but we have to trust him to do the right thing!
Cory: Right, ‘cuz the right thing is definitely what I want to get done.

Jane: I barely know you. I have been known by William.

Cory: Of course you have. Everyone has. He’s banged the SCIA, the Police, the SWAT…

Jane: The SWAT are technically also police.

Cory: How about this, then. You help me investigate the big guy, and I’ll introduce you to my big guy, no matter what we turn up.
Jane: I have been hankering for a big guy since William last knew me.

Jane: How do you get these sentences straight in your head?

Ally: My clever plan to get trapped here has come to fruition!

Ally: I wish I’d had a second clever plan for what to do after.

Where the courting gets done.

Dagmar: You guys courting? Can I come?
Cory: Not until you get your feet unstuck.

Dagmar: I’m a politician! All I have to do is deny my feet ever having been stuck, until it becomes true!

Jane: How the FUCK did you…?
Dagmar: I’m a politician! Once I see what everyone else is doing, I position myself at the front and pretend I was always there until it becomes true!

Jane: I’m starting to see why the walls around here are padded.

Cory: I love the smell of courthouse in the morning.
Jane: Smells like Victor.

Victor: …what?

Cory: Yeah, what?

Cory: I’m super pumped that we’re gonna be hiding behind a stained glass door. Nothing can go wrong with this plan.

Jane: It’s your fault for describing the plan beforehand. If you hadn’t, it’d be a sure thing.

CRASH

Cory: It’s still a sure thing. The only variable is how much violence will be involved.

Cory: The den of the beast!
Jane: It does look like a den.

Jane: This one’s labelled “People I Want to Fuck.” Do you think he means, like, he’s plotting against them, or…?
Cory: I’m 100% sure he means it literally. Hey, what’s this?

Cory: YOU MADE HIM A CUSTOM CONTENT DESKPLATE?

I mean, I made the texture. Someone else made the model.

Cory: You had to, like, quit the game and everything to do that! For a detail nobody will ever see!

And then intentionally placed the camera to ensure that fact, yeah, I dunno. The devil is in the details, and I’m a pathological devil-worshipper.

Wren: Make my head one inch taller.

Jane: This is a list of his SCIA contacts across the globe.
Cory: Take some pictures.
Jane: I didn’t bring a camera.
Cory: …stay here and get captured.

Jane: You didn’t seriously expect me to steal vital intelligence info for you, right?
Cory: Seriously, no. I expected it in a sort of darkly humourous way.

Jane: I thought the idea was to find out if William’s on the level, not to find ways to sabotage him!
Cory: You need to up your metagame, spy-wise. FIRST you develop a devastating attack on your potential allies, THEN you find out if you need to use it!

Cory: I mean, that’s a well-known aspect of our super-secret business!

Victor: Keep that 2004 face out of my sight.

Victor: God, I need to invest in a pair of blinders.

Victor: I can talk with my mouth shut.
Asia: Big deal, me too.

Victor: I’m engaged.
Asia: I’m married.
Victor: I’m interested.

William: I’m UNGUARDED. STILL.

Victor: What’s up, dad?
William: Oh, you know. Taking a walk. Enjoying the sunshine. Responding to a silent alarm.

Dagmar: Walking sucks, sunshine sucks, alarms suck.

Asia: Why would you try to break the window?!
Victor: Why would you catch the ball?!?!

William: How come you keep popping up in people’s thought and speech balloons lately?
Tish: Maybe I’m being promoted to main character status!
William: Be serious.

Cory: Be less serious.

Jane: Close your eyes and stop smirking.
Cory: SECRET AGENT.

Dagmar, there is an entire room of chairs behind you.

Bradleigh: What did you call me?

Cory: Okay, I found the plot device.

Tish: Getting prissy in your old age?
William: They never finished abating the asbestos in here.

Cory: Wow! This will be useful later on!

For your plot?

Cory: No, for yours! You’ll be able to decide what I learned later on, and make it look like you had everything planned ahead well in advance!

Jane: What I’m doing will be considerably less useful.

Tish: Look, it’s great you’ve installed your own alarm, but why bother? We’ve got this building locked up tight as a drum!
Wren: There a shitter in here?

Cory: What’re you doing?
Jane: Annotating. This book of spy secrets is full of amateur mistakes!
Cory: I feel like you’ve maybe lost sight of our goals here, Jane.

Wren: See also.

Dagmar: Well hello there, Mister Governor!
William: Hello to you too, young lady!
Dagmar: …I’m the one who’s talking.
Wren: Well I’m the one who’s rocking.

Dagmar: I’m gonna rip off your balls.

Victor: I’d like to rip off my balls in her.

Is that anything?

Victor: Almost definitely not.

William: We haven’t talked in a while.
Dagmar: We’ve never talked, we’ve only fucked.
William: Yes, I do miss our talks.

William: I’ve got that big ol’ office, all plush and warm, just begging for some hot talking.

William: Are you following me?
Victor: Technically?

William: I don’t date divas. Politicians are bad enough.
Dagmar: Thanks, man.

Jane: Did you know we did 9-11?
Cory: Yeah, since, like, 2010.

Victor: Man, what is this? A big metal plate, with a… hole in it?!

It’s a lock.

Victor: But where’s the keycard reader?

There’s no keycard reader.

Victor: Then where’s the PIN pad?!

Victor: This place is like a medieval chamber of horrors.

William: It’s about to be.

William: With a few modern twists.

William: KNOCK KNOCK

William: WHO’S DEAD

Jane: No?

William: No who?

William: Okay, we’ve lost the format.

Cory: Move that nondescript little ass!

William: If you’re gonna use my stuff, at least put it back.

Cory: Easy on the moves there, Altaïr.

William: “For in much wisdom is much grief; and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.”

William: I heard that in a video game.

Cory: Did you bring your gun, at least?

Jane: I thought we’d just wait until they’ve left, and not have to shoot them.
Cory: I have honestly never had a thought like that.

Cory: You are literally zero fun, Plain Jane.

Jane: Some days you’re the secret agent, some days you’re the flowers.

Cory: She’s so eager! I hate her.

William: Shot a door, saw a suspect, solid night’s work.

William: TWO suspects! I’m taking tomorrow off entirely.

Jane: How did you get in front of me?
Cory: I’ve always been in front of you.

This situation reminds me of something.

Yeah. That.

William: Can you identify the perps?

William: From the way these stalks are bent, I deduce ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I’m not a Native American tracker in a crappy movie of the week.


Cory: I’d call that a success!
Jane: We didn’t figure anything out, and almost got shot!
Cory: That kind of progress takes months in the Dick Tracy comic!

Jane: Did you learn things I didn’t?
Cory: That’s basically my schtick, so.
Brandi: I’M LATE FOR MY CARPOOL
Jane: You’re a secret agent with a GUN. I’m sure they’ll wait.

Brandi: You mean like how you should’ve waited?

Cory: Well, we have an entire workday to fortify the house against her.

Brandi: It won’t be enough.

Brandi: I wonder if I can keep “Slap” in my Action Queue for eight hours.

Jane: I believe in her.

Laci: You know, when I was dead I never had to mop piss.

Laci: Maybe I’ll soak up some knowledge instead.

Laci: .oO(To adventure, James!)

Jane: What a beautiful day to pay insufficient attention!

Next time: spying intensifies.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 15 July 2012.

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