Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which change is embraced, and embraces are changed.
Nearly Priceless, so far.
With far too much Murphy content.
Oliver: Don’t knock us, we’re good Family Sims.
Your dad started cheating before the FORTUNE and POPULARITY SIMS did.
Oliver: Well you can knock him, if you want!
Oliver: Anybody can knock him.
Meanwhile Hannah is overcome with body horror, being fully half bigfoot.
Amin: Hey man, fuck you too.
Oliver: I think the half they got is the digestive tract.
Oliver: We might need to purchase a cow.
Brandi: How now?
Brandi: Come on, that was a good entrance!
Oliver: You’re vaguely familiar.
Brandi: That’s my name!
Oliver: There’s some horrifying glitch behind you.
Brandi: Don’t wear it out!
Brandi: You’ve been typing “Brandy.”
Oliver: Fuck is right.
Oliver: Are your ovaries still good? You’re like eighty.
Brandi: With talk like that, you won’t ever need to know.
Brandi: You creep.
Brandi: Play your cards right, though, and I’ll let you be as awful as your dad.
Bree: Somebody punched me today!
Emma: It’s the freckles.
Emma: Did you not get a report card today?
Bree: They only issue those when you suck at stuff.
Emma: …what? Why?
Bree: Did you not bring home a Sharpe today?
Emma: They only let you bring those home when you suck at stuff.
Bree: You wanna engage in rituals to appease the scary blur god on the horizon?
Emma: BLURS FOR THE BLUR GOD
Bree: JPEGS FOR THE JPEG THRONE
Emma: Please tell me one of you has water balloons.
Samantha: This dress ain’t just for show! It’s for show and STORAGE!
Bree: I AM IMPRESSED THAT YOU CAN STORE WATER BALLOONS SAFELY ON YOUR PERSON
Bree: Whee, bullet time!
Bree: Also apparently I’m incorporeal.
Samantha: I don’t even know what we’re referencing.
Bree: Old people shit, like always.
Samantha: It is fun to say, though. SPLOOOOOSH.
Bree: I continue to not be real.
Bree: Except when I am.
Bree: Whee existentialism!
Emma: How did I get in here?
Oliver: You guys must be boring him, he misses transition pics when he’s bored.
Emma: Yes, I can see that.
Emma: Lady how you get your head so egg?
Emma: I just wanna fry it!
Emma: Lady head omelette! Yay!
Oliver: We’re not related.
Oliver: I can’t even remember which one is which, half the time.
I have to search my own site every time.
Emma: Gettin’ my Google analytics numbers up! Yeah!
Kaylynn Bendett: Like Beckham!
Kaylynn: I thought it was clever.
Bree: Auntie Chelsea says never to talk to townies.
Bree: Unless it’s to mock them.
Samantha: YOU SUCK TOWNIE
Samantha: Wait, my mom was a townie.
Bree: TOWNIE-SPAWN! TOWNIE SPAWN!
Samantha: Wait, wait! She might have been an NPC!
Bree: WHY DON’T YOU DRIVE A CAR OR PERFORM SOME OTHER SERVICE, TOWNIE-SPAWN?!
Samantha: Your ignorance is so vast, it has mass.
Chelsea: We’re not related.
Chelsea: I can’t even remember which one is which, half the time.
God, can you… just… scoot a bit…
Okay WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ANYWAY
Bree: Hey guys, help me ostracize this townie-spawn.
Emma: Uh… Bree?
Bree: Yeah Em?
Emma: This townie-spawn has the exact same face we have.
♪ Mendelssohn’s Wedding March ♪
Fucking hell, Past Grugly, you ever heard of transitions?
Past Grugly: What’s going on? I’m not even paying attention, I’m thinking about playing, let’s say, Diablo III. That’s out this year, right?
Wikipedia says yes.
Andrea: Hey sexy lady!
Chelsea: Wop! Wop, wop, wop!
Andrea: That’s racist.
Chelsea: It’s not racist, it’s a song!
It’s not a song, it’s a thoroughly-dead meme set to music.
I just had to look up the address of this place, and I am not pleased about it.
Samantha: So wait, you were here when the world was created?
Samantha: You’re basically a dinosaur!
Bree: Dinosaurs are lame.
GIRLS are lame!
Emma: Since you’re temporarily smart, can you be temporarily smart in my direction?
Bree: I bet if we tell someone we met her, they’ll be like “That woman died fifty-seven years ago” in a really serious, scared voice.
Brandi: I killed them both.
Oliver: It’ll save on food!
Brandi: Especially if you eat them.
Christ, who now? Haven’t we got enough characters?
*goes back to making up dozens of unnecessary extra characters*
Chelsea: I’m looking for a douchebag.
The Grim Reaper: I KNOW THE ONE, HE’S BEEN POPULAR LATELY.
The Grim Reaper: FOR SOME FUCKING REASON.
Samantha: I hear the wailing of the dead calling me home.
Emma: Fuckin’ goths.
Don: You saved me! Unless you’re also planning to use me for nefarious purposes.
Chelsea: Define “nefarious.”
Chelsea: I can bend down to get at it, you don’t need to jump.
Chelsea: Good work, you’ll blend right in now.
Don: Give a guy a second, would you?
Don: Can you do anagrams in your head?
Chelsea: I can, actually!
Me too. I came up with about two dozen ones for Twin Peaks a few years ago.
Don: “Don Macarevich.”
Chelsea: Marco Vendachi.
Ooh, yes! Much better.
Marco Vendachi: Why hello there, sexy stranger! I am not an escaped prisoner!
Chelsea: My heart is under arrest!
Oliver: Stop in the name of not-love!
Amin: ♪ Before you break my heart ♪
Marco: Bed inspector.
Oliver: Well thank goodness! It’s gone uninspected for far too long.
Chelsea: Don’t ever change, Ollie.
Oliver: It’s not in my makeup!
Bree: Who’s the new guy?
Oliver: Bed inspector.
Bree: Did you get his credentials?
Marco: I left them in my other identity.
Chelsea: Ixnay on the dentity-i-kay.
Marco: It’s so hot that you were almost able to pronounce that.
Chelsea: Continue telling me when I’m being hot.
Marco: Who has that kind of time?
Brandi: Can I be a real character now?
If that happened, it would make you the slowest-firing Chekhov’s Gun of all time.
Marco: Man! It’s good to… meet you, person I… don’t have strong feelings about.
Marco: It’s only your hotness that’s keeping me from strangling him and jetting.
Marco: But your choice of date venue is, to put it lightly, inappropriate.
Marco: Hey, random teen. Know what used to happen to random teens here? Me either, I’m a stranger from out of town.
Marco: Ah… hole, sweet hole.
Marco: Good times.
Marco: Aw, look at her go. My little bundle of cheer.
Chelsea: You and I go back further than that, though.
Marco: Maybe you remember it differently than I do.
Marco: I mostly remember you picking some fat Murphy piece of shit over me. And you still haven’t shed said dead weight, despite, and I’m pretty sure I’m remembering this correctly, my having eaten him and someone else having axed him.
Chelsea: Yeah, you’re remembering that correctly.
Chelsea: Although, for the sake of consistency I should point out that neither of us actually witnessed that last part.
Chelsea: But that’s ancient history. What say we make this a living history museum?
Chelsea: There’s enough dying history here to choke a zombie horse.
Marco: Hahaha wow your tits.
Vanessa: Please don’t give me a flashback, I hated that whole decade.
You’ve had enough flashbacks for a lifetime.
Ally: Feel free to never remind me of when I was a maid, or whatever shit.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: My past is an unbroken string of triumph.
Vanessa: Oh god, I’m having flashbacks of my own volition!
Vanessa: Oh no! Chelsea let the smoke monster in!
Vanessa: Man, your jokes have not improved in the interim.
Yeah, well, y’all still have shit taste in men, too.
Vanessa: We definitely do.
Marco: Wait, he did what?
Marco: As in…?
Chelsea: As in he fucking melted!
Chelsea: Like a popsicle on a sidewalk, and the only difference was there was no popsicle.
Marco: So, there was a sidewalk.
Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: AAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT
Vanessa: AAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT WHAT
Lyndsey: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa what?
Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Ahaha. What.
Lyndsey: WRITE REAL CAPTIONS AGAIN
Chelsea: You know, genetically-speaking, this is a photographic recreation.
Chelsea: Cameron and I have the same genetics.
Marco: I understood you.
Chelsea: Wow, really? Did you go back to university at some point?
Marco: Fuck you.
Chelsea: Fuck you first!
Don: I’d call it a dead heat.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: So, this is definitely a government-subsidized rape dungeon.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Apocalypsegate confirmed.
Marco: How many of your characters are gonna turn into thinly-veiled alt-right parodies?
As many as it takes to work out my complaints.
Marco: I, also, have complaints.
Chelsea: I can’t see why, everything’s turned out so well.
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Next time: the fall of western civilization!
Not that I’d miss it, mind you.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 8 July 2012.