The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 387

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which a Price has its power.

Get it.

Lance: Alright, being cool with no audience is no fun.

Tell me about it.

Sunny: It’s good to see you doing so well.
Kyle: I’m wasting my life. I just dress nicely when I go out.
Sunny: Yes, and it’s good to see.

The Grim Reaper: THAT ONE? SERIOUSLY? WOW, OKAY. I HOPE YOU HAVE A THERAPIST HANDY.

The Grim Reaper: AND SOME CLOTHES

Shiloh: The clothes I can do without.

Lance: And the therapy?
Shiloh: We’ll play it by ear.

Lance: I’ll play with any body part you give me, baby.

I guess this is the principle behind catholicdatefinder.com or whatever the fuck

Lance: Stow that noise, I didn’t bring you back to talk about normie shit.

Shiloh: That’s fair, fuck normie shit.

Shiloh: Fuck it up the aaaaaaaaaaassssss

Shiloh:And the ghosts are comin’

Sunny: Do you like bathtubs?
Kyle: Bathtubs are alright.
Sunny: Yeah… they are, aren’t they?

How am I ever gonna novelize this shit.

Lance: I liked what you were wearing before.
Shiloh: I wasn’t wearing any-
Lance: Yeah, she gets it!

Shiloh: She gives it, too! Try her.

Lance: Be a good apprentice and don’t start any broom-related apocalypses while I’m gone.

Shiloh: “The book is closed,” no it’s not. “The door is shut,” no it’s not! This creepy poem doesn’t apply to my situation.

Haven’t found a magic replacement for the Energizer?

Lance: It’s generated out of currency generated out of life success. How much more magic could it even get?

Lance: I wonder if I could conjure a falling piano.

Sunny: Look, a shooting star!
Kyle: It’s daytime.
Sunny: A crashing plane, then.

I make no apologies for timing, that’s the joke which goes there.

Lance: Find anything interesting?
Sunny: All this magic stuff needs to be updated to appeal to a modern audience.

Lance: I didn’t bring you back to be an audience. I brought you back to be a reagent.

Lance: There’s a creepy poem in there about a book.
Shiloh: I read it.
Lance: The book is real. I want the book.
Shiloh: The poem book.
Lance: …yes, the poem book. Not the book I clearly have, the book you read the poem in.

Sunny: What’s wrong?
Kyle: Uh, cement?

Sunny: You’re supposed to catch me.
Kyle: I wasn’t consulted.

Lance: From what I can gather, there are two “keys” to this book.
Shiloh: Evil keys!
Lance: And they’re actually people.
Shiloh: Evil people!
Lance: Yes.

Shiloh:Stop cummin’ in the yolk

Shiloh: I wish our kisses lined up.
Kyle: I’m okay with it.
Shiloh: Of course you are, you’re mostly gay.
Kyle: I’m ogay with it.

Lance: Be my evil person key.

Shiloh: What do I have to do?
Lance: There’s some chanting, and some cauldron work, and some sexual magic.
Shiloh: DIBS

Lance: The sexual magic is for both of us.
Shiloh: How romantic! Awkwardly-phrased, but romantic.

Their lips STILL DON’T LINE UP

Just keep telling yourself “At least it’s not TS3, where nothing is animated.”

Shiloh: Appearances to the contrary, that was a good kiss!

Lance: You’re in good shape. That’s good.
Shiloh: By definition.

Sunny: I’m gonna do some pointless art instead of improving myself.

Yeah, me too.

Warlocks? More like lovelocks.

Shiloh: Make love magic, not war magic.

Lance: Why not both?

What does the green shit smell like, anyway?

Shiloh: That multicoloured toothpaste.

Really?

Shiloh: Yeah.

…neat!

Shiloh: He could still do with a brushing, though.

Lance: You’ve got a tongue, don’t you?

Shiloh: Ew.

Lance: The book is closed.
Shiloh: The door is shut.
Lance: The empty black between.
Shiloh: Words words words.
Lance: Those aren’t your lines.
Shiloh: It’s as far as I’ve seen.

Shiloh: I mean, it was an open book telling me about a closed book, I wasn’t super into it.

Lance: Guess we’ll have to start again.

Shiloh: I have the strongest image of you dumping me into a cauldron right now.
Lance: Don’t be silly, my cauldron is only baby-sized.

Lance: Specifically.

Shiloh: So what’s in this book you want so bad?
Lance: Power.
Shiloh: What kind of power?
Lance: Why would that matter?

Shiloh: Because sometimes power is only temporary?

Shiloh: And then everyone hates you?

Shiloh: Even your friends?

Shiloh: So anyway, let’s try that cauldron work you were talking about. I’ve often been called a pot-stirrer, myself.

Shiloh: Or we could go get you some mouthwash.

Lance: Or I could turn you into a frog.

Shiloh: Can you actually do that?
Lance: I don’t know! You’d probably just die.

Shiloh: Been there, done that.

Shiloh: “The keys are fit,” yep, we’re both jacked… “The lock unwinds,” what kind of a lock unwinds…

I got idea man

Lance: Evil music, check!

♪ You take me for a walk ♪

Shiloh: Did you just drop my MP3 player in there?
Lance: Yes.
Shiloh: Did you lift my MP3 player while we were snogging?!
Lance: Yes.

♪ Under the sycamore trees ♪

Lance: Close enough.

♪ The dark trees that blow, baby ♪

Sunny: Who’s blowing a baby?

♪ In the dark trees that blow ♪

Sunny: My painting is getting sucked into the ceiling!

It’s probably fine.

♪ And I’ll see you ♪

Shiloh: My nose feels funny.

Just your nose?

Shiloh: Yeah, the rest of me feels not funny.

♪ And you’ll see me ♪

Shiloh: Oh what the FUCK

♪ And I’ll see you in the branches that blow… in the breeze… ♪

Stinky Skunk: That’s no breeze.

fzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz CRACK

Lance: I’ll buy you a new one. I’m surprised it lasted that long!
Shiloh: It wanted to hear the end of the song.

Shiloh: I kinda want to hear the end of the poem.

Shiloh: The last line is missing.
Lance: It can’t be read. It has to be felt.
Shiloh: Man, evil is way cooler than good.

Lance: I made you a drink.
Shiloh: What is it?
Lance: Uh… Pepsi.
Shiloh: I love Pepsi!

They are evil.

Shiloh: And loving it.

Shiloh: What’s this do anyway?
Lance: Drink it and don’t find out!

Shiloh: I guess this would be a pretty elaborate setup just to roofie a girl.

Shiloh: Ow, I felt that right in my Niceness.

Shiloh: In related news I don’t have any Niceness now?

Lance: Where you going?
Shiloh: Wherever I want, asshole.
Lance: Well, it definitely worked.

Shiloh: Good, it lists them by last name! “the Atrociously Evil Warlock” shouldn’t be a very common one.

Shiloh: “Toby Kauker” is also not incredibly common.

His name isn’t, you mean. He’s pretty common, as Sims go.

Sunny: I think you should do a poll and see if any Sim resurrected in the last ten years is happy to be back.

Sunny: I think I know what you’d discover.

Shiloh: WHAT’S IN THE BOOK
Lance: Forbidden knowledge!
Shiloh: WILL YOU SHARE IT
Lance: Probably not!

Shiloh: WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME
Lance: Scrambled your personality, then dropped your Niceness to zero.
Shiloh: MEN

Lance: Supermen.

Lance: I’m super.

Shiloh: Everything special about you can be taken away with something that comes out of a bottle!

Not quite as pithy as what you’re quoting.

Shiloh: WHO’S QUOTING ANYTHING

Lance: I knew I should’ve just made some enchanted broom minions.

Shiloh: FUEL MY RAGE

Shiloh: Aw, I can’t stay angry with someone that evil!

Shiloh: I can let him do all the work, though, while I fuck around.

Lance: She thinks so, does she.

Lance: Hey hot stuff, break’s over.
Shiloh: I think I’m gonna take off home.
Lance: There you go, thinking again.

Lance: You need to clear your mind of all distractions. Rather, I need to clear your mind of all distractions.

Shiloh: Is this something I can, like… dodge?

Lance: Yeah, not so much.

Shiloh: Then I might as well get comfortable, you’re taking a long time to wind up.

Lance: Tabula Rasa.

Shiloh: Ooh, pretty!

Shiloh: Hahaha where am I.

Shiloh: Hahaha who am I?!

Shiloh: Hahaha.
Lance: Hahaha.

Lance: You are my familiar. Your name is… Renfield? No. BOB? No. Uh… MILCHAMAH.
MILCHAMAH: In all caps, like that?
Lance: No.
Milchamah: Okay.

Milchamah: Am I your only familiar?
Lance: Uh… let’s go with no. I have two.
Milchamah: And what does a familiar do?
Lance: Whatever I tell it to.
Milchamah: That’s too bad, I can feel a pretty decent brain rattling around in my skull.

Milchamah: What is thy bidding, my master?
Lance: There is a great disturbance in the force.
Milchamah: What?
Lance: I couldn’t resist, never mind.

Lance: I want you to change for me, Sh- Milchamah.
Milchamah: From what, into what?
Lance: From a thinker to a doer.

Milchamah: Is that a euphemism for someone who has sex?
Lance: In this case, yes.
Milchamah: This strikes me as an evil act.
Lance: Shit, I keep forgetting I wiped your- I mean, I keep forgetting you’re brand new and you don’t know things. I, Lance, am evil. And so are you.
Milchamah: Well that clears things up, then! Let’s get started.

Lance: Actually I changed my mind. Go for Knowledge.
Milchamah: Why?
Lance: Because forcing you to be a Romance Sim makes the opening words of Law and Order: SVU ring out in my head.

Lance: I think forcing someone to be smart is okay.

Lance: I wonder if that thing’s ever been linked to brain cancer.

Lance: Maybe I’ll yank your brain out and test it some day.

Wait, what are you…?

Lance: Setting a good example.

Milchamah: Go Team Smarts!

Sunny: Hi! The fuck are you.

Milchamah: You must be the other familiar he mentioned.
Sunny: The WHAT

Milchamah: No, I’m sure I’ve never heard of a “Shiloh.”

Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Ohhh, I know what happened. He Tabula Rasa‘d you.
Milchamah: No! I’m still a virgin, I swear!

Lance: Ask him if he’s got the switch. DO YOU HAVE THE SWITCH?
Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: No, just an old Xbox.

Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Why does he want the switch?
Milchamah: I dunno, what is it?
Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: A powerful artifact of evil.
Milchamah: Oh! Well, then, it’s because he’s evil.

Lance: Okay, so… she’s a key, I’m a key… reagents prepared… mood lighting is… moody…

Lance: The book is closed.

Milchamah: The door is shut.

Lance: The empty black between.

Milchamah: The keys are fit.

Lance: The lock unwinds.

THE SILENCE IN THE SCREAM

Lance: Dramatic!

Milchamah: Can I call you back? There’s some weird silence/screaming combo going on upstairs.

Lance: Do you know who I am?

NO

Lance: Oh. Well-

I KNOW WHO YOU WILL BE

Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I’m coming over. If you see a scary book, don’t sass it.

Warlocks!

Feared denizens of darkness!

Sadistic masters of the underworld!

Milchamah: Man’s got a right to a warm coat in winter!

Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Right? I’m evil, not cold.

Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: This is the switch.
Milchamah: Awesome! What games does it play?
Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Oh, you’ll see.

Toby Kauker the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I’m gonna get as far away as possible now.
Milchamah: I’m gonna not think about that too closely!

Milchamah: Oh MAN! You are VISIBLY eviller than when last I saw you, and it is HOT!

Lance: Did Toby give you the switch?
Milchamah: Yes! Unless that’s a euphemism for something, in which case probably not.

Sunny: Everything’s a euphemism for something, around here.

Next time: a friendly outing.

That’s a euphemism for something.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 24 June 2012.

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