The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 386

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which science has gone the correct distance.

Beatriz Young is a Romance Sim. She’s antiseptic (10/10 Neat), obtrusive (10/10 Outgoing), apathetic (0/10 Active), impish (10/10 Playful) and affectionate (10/10 Nice).

She is also thirty years old on this, her first day of existence.

Abigail: Pleased to meet you, Beatriz Young.
Beatriz: Pleased to be met, Abigail Young!

Abigail: Slightly pinker skin with some burn effects for warmth, as designed… your eyetone is inverted… everything looks good! Let’s get you to a mirror and see if we can’t achieve greatness.

Abigail: How do you feel?
Beatriz: Like skin on metal.

Beatriz: Also grateful. Also hey who’s that.

Nick: I am willing to explain myself to you. At length.

Abigail: You can learn about his length later.

Abigail: Beatriz, this is-
Beatriz: Nick Enriquez. We fucked, back when I was Abigail.
Abigail: So the memories are working, huh? Awesome.

Nick: Just because we’ve fucked already doesn’t mean I’m opposed to a second round.

Beatriz: I do want to fuck him. Also I want to fuck in general.
Abigail: Romance Aspiration checks out!

Abigail: Somehow I always knew my greatest creation would be myself.

Beatriz: Let’s start referring to each other as separate people, okay? Otherwise we’ll both get a headache.

Nothing is as beautiful as a woman fulfilled.


Nick: So… nice to meet you?

Beatriz: Nice of you to let him spy me in the buff.
Abigail: I know the personality I programmed for you. You’re going to spend most of your time in the buff anyway.

Beatriz: I’d argue with you, but that would be a purely intellectual exercise, wouldn’t it?

Beatriz: Oh, you did good, Gail. Those nipples are much perkier, the red lips are enticing, and is that a visible vagina I see? I didn’t know you had it in you.

Beatriz: Nothing I can’t improve on, of course.

Abigail: Yes, you’ll do nicely.
Beatriz: What will I do nicely?
Abigail: Fuck all my potential suitors so I can get some work done.

Beatriz: I will do that nastily.

Nick: I feel like I’m already being written out of the history of this accomplishment.

Nick: Which is fair, since I didn’t actually do anything, but still.

Beatriz: Okay, dowdy dame, we need to go on a shopping trip. Now.

Abigail: Finally, someone to talk to.

Beatriz: If there’s time, between all the fucking.

Beatriz: I meant mine.

Beatriz: Oh my yes.
Nick: She’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.
Beatriz: The former more than the latter.

Beatriz: I think there’s a stray poly or two in this cut, I can feel it clipping through my teeth.

Beatriz: You programmed me with an aesthetic sense!
Nick: Check out the ass on Abigail’s suit and tell me she doesn’t.

Beatriz: Vanity, thy name is Beatriz.

Abigail: You’ve been very helpful.
Nick: In multiple ways.
Abigail: No, the sex was your main contribution.

Nick: That hurts a little.
Beatriz: Look me up when you want it soothed, hot fluff.

Beatriz: My intellect and my libido are at war.
Abigail: Well I wasn’t gonna make you stupid. What if someone mistook you for me?

Beatriz: I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Beatriz: Holy SHIT.
Abigail: Did you not get the teleportation skill? I’ll have to run some tests later.

Abigail: At your convenience, of course.

Victor: WHAT is THAT?!
Beatriz: You can’t afford it.

Abigail: You’re not buying anything, you’re just running a routine! Fuck off!

Rebecca: You’re not wrong, but it’s still not nice to say.

Abigail: GTFO, placeholders!

Jane: Maybe I am buying clothes!
Abigail: You’re not.
Jane: But maybe I am!

Brooke: Oh, neat! They’re duplicating existing characters instead of promoting us secondaries. That’s wonderful.

Abigail: GET A LIFE

Abigail: Make sure you get some options, most outfits turn out to look shitty or clip through stuff in practice.


Beatriz: Beatriz Young, #11 Main Street West. Call me.

Beatriz: Man, I even want to fuck the ugly ones!
Abigail: I didn’t see any non-ugly ones in there.

Now 40% actually named Young!

Abigail: 40%, and yet a controlling interest.

Bradleigh: Hahaha there were two of you for a second.

Kyle: Uh… uhhhhh…

Kyle: Uhhhhh…


Beatriz: She didn’t set the family flags.

I guess there wasn’t an Aspiration reward she could deconstruct for that.

Beatriz: I’m sure she’ll figure it out eventually.

Yeah, you’ll just have to wait.

Beatriz: That’s the opposite of what I’ll just have to do.

Kyle: I think I’m having an episode.
Bradleigh: I saw a sexy Abigail beside the usual one just now.
Kyle: Oh no, folie à deux!

Beatriz: More like amour à deux.

Kyle: Your face is… familiar.
Beatriz: You’ve seen it in your dreams.
Kyle: I think I’ve seen it in the mirror.

Beatriz: We’re not related.
Kyle: We look related.
Beatriz: Don’t insult me.

Bradleigh: These are some gooood bad bubbles!

Kyle: …you’re a clone of my mom.
Beatriz: That’s disgusting. Why would you be attracted to a clone of your mom?
Kyle: Who said I’m attracted to you?
Beatriz: The leaping and growling puppydog where your underwear should be.

Beatriz: Honest, we’re not related!
Kyle: That’s neutral, sexiness-wise.

Beatriz: I’m just a gorgeous omnisexual woman who really doesn’t look that much like your mother.
Kyle: Maybe stop addressing the problem entirely.

Kyle: And it is a problem.

So the first chance you get, you try to seduce your… nephew.

Beatriz: I have to outrun Abigail’s patch cycle, or this is permanently-missable content!

Brooke: Oh good, there’s more of you now.

Beatriz: I’m a girlier version. We can talk about shoes and shit if you like.

Brooke: I don’t want to shit with you.

Beatriz: I hope Nick looks through the window.

Beatriz: Man, this is weird. I have all this knowledge and all these memories, and yet I just popped into existence earlier today!
Brooke: Still not as weird as being a teenager for a few decades.

Brooke: Honestly the fact that I’m actually aging now terrifies and confuses me.

Brooke: But I’m making up for it with sex.

Beatriz: Aha! Common ground.

Nick: Hey Brooke, I see you’ve met Shake n’ Bake! I helped.

Beatriz: I can teach you some techniques later, if you like.
Brooke: I mean…
Beatriz: I know how to pull a man’s penis deeper using just my vaginal muscles.
Brooke: …we’ll set up a time and place.

Nick: Why’s she doing all these not-fucking-Nick things first?

Kyle: And that DRESS…
Bradleigh: Red light, Kyle.
Kyle: I don’t see any lights.

Working out your fuck order?

Beatriz: File > Save > spreadlegsspreadsheet.xls

There might actually be something in those bubbles.

Nick: We created new life from the primordial soup!
Abigail: It’s so cute that he thinks there was a “we” involved.

Beatriz: Alright, so… sexual superpowers. I can instantly seduce any man I want, aaaaand… that’s it, actually. But what else do you need, really?

Brooke: A gun.

Beatriz: You guys have badly skewed priorities.

Beatriz: Let me cook you some aphrodesiacs.

Beatriz: I wish she’d programmed me a sleep mode for times like this.

Times like when you’re setting the house on fire by not paying attention?

Beatriz: It’s that time already?!

Beatriz: Wow, it’s so fucked-up even the plate won’t touch it.

When’re you making the maid clone, Abby?


Beatriz: I’m supposed to know how to do this.
Bradleigh: It’s calories, who gives a fuck.

Brooke: I do.

Brooke: You’ve successfully synthesized knockout lobster. Congratulations.

Kyle: Knockout. Lobster. Knockout. Lobster.

Abigail: Kyle’s acting weird.
Beatriz: Kyle is weird.

Abigail: Did he say anything to you?
Beatriz: Not with his words.


Can you also solve the mystery of how she caught the one on the right like that?

Abigail: That was a great goodbye fuck.

You’re done with Nick?

Abigail: I’m done with fucks.

Beatriz: Nick is a fuck.

Abigail: I hope you don’t snore, because I don’t know if I snore.

If I were to manifest in this world, I know the spot I’d pick.

God, I bet their periods are synched too.

Abigail and Beatriz: That’s crude. Don’t be crude.

Beatriz: I just realized, I only spreadsheeted the men.

Beatriz: Should I get the uglies out of the way early, or spread them in between the hotties?

This is what happened the first time I played The Sims.

Minus the part where I’m a super hot chick.

Super hot.

Irfan: Can I-


Irfan: I just want to-


Irfan: It’s so cold out here.

Kyle: I wish it wasn’t so hot in here.

Abigail: What? No! I made her so there could be two immortal versions of me! Why would I want to get old and die when I can stay young and live?!

Abigail: You were old, and you died. Would you say those are essential experiences?

Abigail: I’m gonna be here when they shut out the lights and lock up, mark my words.

Brooke: Plunge my poops!


Beatriz probably doesn’t even poop.

What was wrong with the other dress?

Beatriz: There’s only so much clipping a gal can take.

The problem with making a really good Sim is when you have to go back to interacting with real people afterwards.

Bradleigh: I don’t know why you’d bother, honestly.

I don’t know either.

Beatriz: Hello, I’d like to make a reservation at every restaurant? Just in case.

Abigail: Alright, so… Fortune Sim’s next, I think. Hmm. Do I have to make her a bitch, or just set the probability of it really high?

We need to end this chapter before it just becomes pictures of Beatriz walking around.

And Abigail walking around.

And Kyle fucking around.

And Beatriz lying around.

And anything involving Brooke.

Brooke: HEY

Next time: it’s magic, you know.

Never believe it’s not so.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 24 June 2012.

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