Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates every damn day!
In which contributions are made.
Now with 100% less dead oil monsters!
Nick: I’ve been thinking about how my family could make a contribution to your project.
Nick: We have lots of resources.
Nick: Contacts at the utility companies…
Nick: Contracts with the utility companies…
Nick: Ownership of the utility companies…
Nick: I just find your work very inspiring.
Abigail: I am also inspired by you!
Nick: If we’re both being euphemistic we should both just stop.
Abigail: Wash first, flirt later.
Did you not get a Captain Sparkles of your own?
Nick: He’s a late bloomer.
Abigail: I’m still impressed by the early bloom.
Abigail: That made me sound like a-
Nick: You know, humans reach sexual maturity when-
Abigail: -their mental and emotional development aligns with their physical development, well past puberty, near adulthood.
Nick: Okay, but scientifically–
Abigail: MINDS AND EMOTIONS ARE SCIENTIFIC.
Kyle: Hey guys, who we attacking today?
Abigail: Pedephiles and ephebophiles.
Nick: What’s an ephebophile?
Abigail: A pedophile.
Nick: So, is this topic…?
Abigail: Covered, yep. Thank god.
Abigail: I’m glad I sprung for the extra-tall soles.
Nick: Feel that?
Nick: Feel that?
Abigail: Wow! Yes!
Abigail: I like a man who works out.
Kyle: Hey, wait, this is gross. Mom.
Abigail: Is it? Phew, no, it’s definitely not. You had me going there for a second.
Nick: I’d be enjoying this more if your son wasn’t in the room.
Kyle: Me too.
The fact that he’s there, and not here, suggests he’s still on the gay side of bi.
Kyle: What’s he saying?
Abigail: You wouldn’t like it. So I’ll threaten to tell you, next time you piss me off.
Kyle: Ooh, that’s clever.
Kyle: Wait, was it actually just… that teleportation thing? Or did he find a way to make the teleportation thing… sexual? WAIT DON’T EXPLAIN IT
Kyle: Even the hand signals look dirty.
Abigail: They do, kinda.
Nick: My teeth are clipping through my chin.
So stop whacking your skull!
Nick: HOMEOPATHY IS LEGITIMATE
Kyle: You’re not gonna go with him after he said that, are you?
Abigail: He can be as wrong as he wants, with his glutes.
Kyle: Wait, what are you guys gonna do? I need to know if I should leave the house!
Making the most of your new life, huh?
Bradleigh: I was lucky enough to get some things right the first time.
Abigail: Is this the proper stankface?
Nick: Yeah, but it almost looks cute on you.
Abigail: You know that feeling when you’re too busy to eat for a long time, and you don’t know how hungry you’re getting, and then you see something you know is gonna taste really good?
Bradleigh: My drama sense is tingling.
Bradleigh: What are you guys-
Bradleigh: I want to foompf.
Sure, completely altering your body isn’t weird, but moving a body is.
Bradleigh: It’s the backflips that surprised me.
Abigail: We’re almost to the lab.
Nick: That woman has an insatiable appetite for disappointment!
Abigail: Well, she did used to be Bradley.
Bradleigh: I thought we agreed not to talk about that.
Abigail: Is this really the time, dude?
Bradleigh: Don’t distract me, I’m preparing to shit-lose.
Bradleigh: Shit officially lost.
Bradleigh: I THOUGHT WE WERE TOGETHER
Nick: I THOUGHT WE WEREN’T
Bradleigh: I’M MAD EITHER WAY
Nick: Oh god, she smacked me blind!
Nick: HOW DARE YOU SLAP THE SUN OUT
Bradleigh: DON’T YOU LOT TRANSITION ON ME
Otherwise known as puppies.
Christ, I’ve almost definitely made that joke already.
Maybe more than once.
Nick: I’m starting to feel that hunger myself.
Abigail: Oh, you saw my-
Nick: I saw your ass, yeah.
Nick: …where’d my rope go?
I forced an error on you.
Because I don’t have the three hundred years it takes for the rope-jumping self-interaction to cancel.
Abigail: Let me give you the tour.
Nick: Take me ’round the world, baby!
Abigail: This is my custom people-maker. It’s faster, safer and less gross than the one inside of me.
Abigail: I’m feeding it Aspiration items to extract raw Aspiration Points and other materials, so I can generate an artificial DAS.
Abigail: Distributed Aspiration System. Every Sim has one.
Abigail: Superheating these things reduces them to their component parts.
What’re the component parts of that thing?
Abigail: Aspiration molecules for all six Aspirations, Turn On and Turn Off neurons, and lightbulb filaments.
Abigail: These things contain Outgoing personality points…
Abigail: The Energizer can be broken down and reassembled into a CNS…
Central Nervous System?
Abigail: Central Needs System.
Nick: So you’re saying I shouldn’t be using up the charges on this.
Abigail: Do it again and I’m feeding you to the extraction chamber.
Abigail: Hey, checking in on me?
Grugly Prime: Making sure you don’t accidentally disassemble reality.
Abigail: I promise never to do that accidentally.
Grugly Prime: You can create a person from scratch, but you can’t lock a door?
Grugly Prime: Anyway, got you covered.
This is getting kind of meta.
Abigail: Once I’ve got quantums of every element in a Sim’s body, I can create an electrochemical reaction in the chamber that will create a whole new Sim!
Nick: Based on what?
Abigail: A variant on the ideal, perfect individual.
Nick: Which is…?
Abigail: I’m offended you haven’t guessed yet.
Nick: …you’re cloning yourself.
Abigail: I prefer to call them archetypes.
Nick: And you’re the archetypitect.
Abigail: …that was pretty hot.
Nick: We’re not just big dicks, us Sharpes!
Abigail: You’re only half Sharpe, and only half big-dicked! But they’re good halves.
Nick: You’re negging me, aren’t you? You’re negging me.
Nick: Alright, well, I called William and he says the Sharpe Oil Company is donating the §20k you asked them for.
Abigail: Good old William, always ready to make a deposit.
Nick: Why so much money?
Abigail: Every new Sim gets twenty thousand simoleons when they start. I’m gonna play by all the rules first, then see which ones I can break later on.
Abigail: Thanks for the help, lil’ fuzz.
Nick: You know, cloning technology could be really dangerous in the wrong hands. And most hands around here are wrong.
Abigail: I needed a project, and it was either gonna be cloning or space travel. Space travel is a lot easier to weaponize.
Abigail: Plus, cloning isn’t nearly as lucrative, so all that oil money is going basically into oblivion where it belongs.
Nick: I’ll thank you not to bankrupt the company that bankrolls my shiftless lifestyle.
Abigail: You can thank me, but I won’t welcome it.
Nick: Do you really think you can pull this off?
Abigail: There’s only one of me in the world right now. I owe it to everyone to see if I can fix that.
Nick: I can’t think of anyone I’d rather see more of.
Abigail: I’m gonna make a Romance archetype first.
Nick: We’d better start making out, then, or you might not get a chance later.
Abigail: You’re already planning to dump me for my clone?
Nick: According to my thought bubble, I’m actually planning a prison break or something.
Abigail: Take Bradleigh, she needs to get out more. Meet new people.
Nick: I wish I could kiss you.
Abigail: So kiss me!
Nick: I’m too short, you’ve seen how it looks.
Abigail: Stand on my boots.
Abigail: They’re depleted uranium-toed, you can’t hurt themmmmmm.
Abigail: mmmmmm. Wow.
Nick: Are you sure you’re not the Romance archetype?
Nick: Is this actually a Turing test for clones?
Nick: So, does that suit come off?
Abigail: I always wear a suit at work.
Abigail: And there’s still work left to do here.
Nick: What does the youth juice break down into?
Abigail: The Elixir of Life can be distilled into raw days, which are the building blocks of Sim ages.
Nick: How do you construct skills? Memories?
Abigail: I break down an existing Sim and redistribute theirs.
Nick: …I want it understood that my contribution to this project is purely financial.
Abigail: Hahaha, don’t be silly. I wouldn’t use you! You have no skills.
Nick: Unfasten those buckles and we can test that assertion.
Abigail: You know, I spent almost a lifetime farting out children with inferior genetic stock. Eight of the damn things! And they keep ending up dead, in jail, or boring.
Nick: You said it, not me.
Abigail: The first thing I’m changing is the susceptibility to zombiism. Including Stephen, five out of nine Murphies caught the plague! Childrearing is too expensive with that kind of success rate.
Abigail: And don’t get me started on the psychopathy genes going around in this neighbourhood.
Nick: Are you… like… a Nazi or something?
Abigail: You mean eugenicist, and no, I’ve never been a fan of Eugenes.
Nick: So you’re not planning to replace us all with perfect versions of ourselves?
Abigail: Where’s the fun in that? Life is all the richer for its diversity, especially since it generates lots of people to feel superior to.
Nick: Good, I’d hate to hug a Nazi.
Abigail: I have a theory that low hug ratios help activate Nazis.
Abigail: Just like low snog ratios help activate incels and MRA types.
Nick: Don’t you mean “create?”
Abigail: Not getting laid doesn’t make you into a bad person. Thinking you deserve to get laid, and that other people owe it to you, does.
Grugly Prime: Wasn’t me.
Abigail: Nobody can be happy all the time, but most people can make positive changes. Bradleigh wasn’t living her best life until she was a woman!
Nick: Yeah, she definitely struck me as less fuckable before that.
Abigail: But you can’t cheat your nature. If you were meant to be a woman, and you were born a man, you won’t be happy as a man. If you were meant to be evil, and you try to be good, you won’t be happy being good.
Nick: Those aren’t the same thing? Evil can’t be measured scientifically.
Abigail: I have a machine in the next room manufacturing Nice/Mean points that begs to differ.
Nick: You’re saying that some Sims are just evil?
Abigail: It starts at around three or less Nice points.
Nick: You’re not gonna start profiling Sims for their Nice points, are you?
Abigail: Did you miss the part where I said I’m not a Nazi?
Nick: No, but hearing it repeated is a real turn-on.
Craig: Give me fifty bucks or I’m telling the cops how many Nice points you have.
Nick: Isn’t it tempting to want to improve people?
Abigail: I prefer to create better ones, and let them drag the average up.
Abigail: That’s what the reproductive impulse is all about!
Abigail: Allow me to demonstrate.
Nick: Allow me to thrust my pointy thing into your pink thing.
Nick: Please don’t fist me.
Abigail: We need to do it on the equipment, it’s the only way I can finish.
Michael: I should have you arrested for suggesting that.
Abigail: SEX HAS BEEN UPDATED SINCE LAST I DID IT
Nick: MYSELF ALSO
Good fucking god those feet.
I’ll fix them in half a decade or so.
Nick: They’re definitely not up to the standard of that face.
Theresa: You do look like Alvin, though! So punchable!
Michael: I’m punchable on my own merits, thank you very much!
Abigail: KEEP PUNCHIN’ IT
Abigail: Man, this is definitely the last bit of biological data I needed.
Nick: Let me know if you need to do confirmation trials.
Abigail: I’ve never been happier with the scientific process!
Abigail: I’ll thank you in my footnotes.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 24 June 2012.