The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 382

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which help is called for.

I wasn’t aware that Ivy was a Fox-Murphy.

God, have you been doing this since yesterday?

Coy: I dunno, god, have we?

Good call on not capitalizing “god.”

Coy: You’re taking on airs, but not that many airs, right?

No, it’s more that my proper title is THE MAKER.

Wren: Hello fishy.

Jessie: DAT FELLA WAY UP BEHIND HER LIKE BAM BAM BAM

More like BLOOSH BLOOSH BLOOSH

Yeah, good call. That way you don’t have to watch your daughter getting blooshed.

Stephen: What are you talking about? I’m looking for those dark blurry birds Abigail used to talk about.

Pingu: Noot noot!
Brooke: Interesting. But can you prove it?
Pingu: Noot!

Coy: You’ve gone all stiff.
Wren: You should talk.

Coy: Why’d we stop?
Wren: I orgasmed.
Coy: …I didn’t?
Wren: The male orgasm is a myth.

Coy: I’m only in first year biology, but I’m pretty sure that’s not true.
Wren: Don’t get hysterical.

Wren: You’re only pursuing your sexual autonomy because society has told you to.

Wren: On a more serious note, your dick is pretty average.

Wren: So my mom probably won’t try to steal it!

Wren: If you follow me home, she might let me keep you.

Coy: I’m okay with being a kept man.


I’m surprised they didn’t make merch of this thing.

Wren: What’s in the bag?
Xavier: The baby.
Wren: Good, make sure there’s no air holes.

Felicia: That’s inhumane. My baby-stealing sack is even silk-lined.

Felicia: So I’m gonna have to clean some of this basement shit off her before she goes into it.

Wren: You moving in or something?
Felicia: Quite the opposite.

Felicia: Alright dearie, up the butt you go.

Wren: …did you just buttfocate my sister?

Felicia: Hahaha you’re seeing things DAMMIT now we’re stuck.

Felicia: COUNTERMEASURES DEPLOYED

Wren: OW! What’ve you got in there, rocks?
Felicia: Hahaha! Yes.

WHUMP

Felicia: I think I’ll write a ballad about this one.

Felicia: What?

You’re seriously stealing that baby.

Felicia: I seriously am.

Felicia: You’re lucky I don’t steal them both.

Wren: I don’t feel lucky. I feel concussed.

Felicia: I promise she’ll write, once we teach her how.

Felicia: She’ll go to the finest school ENTROPY can afford. Which is the finest school!

Felicia: Alternatively we might sew her to another baby, or use her to test a baby cannon. It’s a world of possibilities!

Wren: ALL OF THEM BAD

Mailbox: .oO(LOOK OUT, KID!)

Coy: Ugh, is this something I need to care about?

Coy: *comforting noises*
Wren: How did you even pronounce those asterisks?!

Wren: MY SISTER’S GONE
Coy: Aw. Was she hot?
Wren: SHE WAS A BABY
Coy: You mean a babe? Damn!

Ivy: Maybe she’ll sell your sister on the black market, and you can buy her back!
Xavier: The black market is in the jungle! I can’t even get past the mines!

Ivy: Who’s the gross dude?
Xavier: Johnny Depp or something.

Wren: ALEXIIIIIIIIS
Ivy: I’m too horny for your family drama.
Coy: Have some respect!
Xavier: Don’t listen to him!

Coy: Don’t think of it as losing a sister. Think of it as gaining a plotline!

Coy: No, you’re in bad taste!

Wren: …I thought you couldn’t get any stupider-looking, but I shouldn’t have underestimated you.

Wren: Stupider hot! Looking.

Ember: There’s a weirdo hanging around outside. I’m gonna call the cops.
Wren: I’m not saying don’t call the cops, but I am saying call them for a different reason.

Wren: An evil fake gypsy stole Alexis.

Ember: That’s stupid. Shut up. That’s stupid.

Wren: It’s what happened!
Ember: I can’t handle losing a child! I certainly can’t handle losing a child and gaining a stupid new plotline!

Ember: THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TIME I GOT AXEFACED

Wren: I tried to stop her, but she hit me with a pillowcase full of rocks.
Ember: Thank god you’re a teenager and you don’t keep anything important in your head.

Ember: Hey, is William home?
Samantha: Like, basically never.

Wren: I’m rapidly losing patience with that face you’re making.

Ember: Corey? I need your help.
Corey: I think you’ve made a mistake. This is the evil secret agents. You probably want the good ones.
Ember: I want the available ones.

Ember: I hope he brings his gun.

Sullivan: Hey firecrotch, I’m at the black market and they’re auctioning off a baby with your spotty skin.
Ember: PUT IN A BID FOR ME!
Sullivan: No, I’m grocery shopping. I wanted to ask you if breastfed or used that powdered shit. It makes a difference to the taste!

Ember: If you eat my baby –
Sullivan: I’m just kidding. But I’m flattered you believed me!

Ember: You cold-hearted sonofabitch!
Coy: You hot-assed-
Ember: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Ember: Ooh, my wants and needs are conflicting.

Ember: Conflict resolved.

Corey: Hey, slow down there. We’ll have plenty of time for snogging once our business is concluded.
Ember: I thought we could do a little before, a little after.

Ember: You have no idea how hard it is to stall my libido.

Wren: Are you shitting in your pants?
Corey: I’m not not shitting in my pants!

Ember: The gypsies aren’t real gypsies, they’re baby-stealing ENTROPY spies!
Corey: Oh.
Ember: Don’t you believe me?!
Corey: Sure I do. I’m just constantly disappointed by the standard of reality our world operates on.

Coy: Still, I wouldn’t be a secret agent if the concept of gunning down ethnic stereotypes didn’t appeal to me on some level.

Ember: She want that way.
Corey: I’m coming this way.

There are many different ways to handle grief.

There are many different ways to cause grief.

Xavier: DON’T COME THAT WAY!

Ember: Maybe you should just shoot him. I’m joking.
Corey: I mean… of course you’re joking.
Ember: I just know how trigger-happy you villains are.

Maybe don’t get all offended on behalf of your dad, famed serial adulterer that he is.

Xavier: I do respect fame…

Ivy: Are you guys sure the baby isn’t just in here somewhere? Under the filth?

Xavier: Do you live here now?
Ivy: I don’t not live here now!

Xavier: I really appreciate you being here for me.
Ivy: I think you’ll find I’m being here for me.

Xavier: I mean it’s good to have you here in this moment of crisis.
Ivy: Moment of crisis in your pants!

Ivy: The bulge doesn’t lie.

Xavier: No, it doesn’t.

Wren: You only came over to fuck me, didn’t you.
Corey: What can I say? The bulge doesn’t lie.

Ember: You’ll help me find Alexis, though, right?
Corey: It’ll be dangerous. I could die.
Ember: If you don’t get some plot development soon, you’ll die anyway.
Corey: Aww, you care!

Corey: I’ll get your daughter back. In however many pieces or foodstuffs she’s in.

Ivy: Who’s your mom’s friend?
Xavier: That’s his name. Jorg Momsfrend.

Coy: Titties.

Ember: We’ll have to be quiet, so they don’t know we’re in here.
Corey: Can’t see that backfiring.

Ember: And I won’t see you when you frontfire!

Because of the angle.

Corey: I’d promise to pull out, but I’d probably end up breaking a window.

Wren: Your ass aura is very strong.

He’s definitely an ass.

Ember: Man, you put that load right through the wall.

Ember: Let’s fuck in the bedroom, it’s got more structural reinforcement.

Corey: Can we do one of those mother-daughter porn things?

Xavier: I can’t believe we’re doing this.

What are you doing?

Xavier: I know, right?

Coy: Have a nice life!

You’re moving out?!

Xavier: Andrew and Cameron did it!

AND IT WORKED OUT SO WELL FOR THEM

Corey: Aren’t you gonna see them off?
Ember: Not before I see you off!

Wren: Be careful, Xav. Don’t let her turn into a zombie or anything.
Xavier: Don’t be silly, we’ll get our own unique disaster.

Wren: Yeah, you probably will.

♪ Gypsies, tramps and thieves ♪

♪ We’d hear it from the people of the town ♪

♪ They’d call us gypsies, tramps and thieves ♪

Wren: ♪ But every night all the men would come around ♪

Wren: ♪ And lay their money down… ♪

Ember: I can’t help it if I was born in the wagon of a travelin’ show.

Corey: And you’re certainly not trying.

Corey: And I’m certainly now flying.

♪ Picked up a boy just south of Mobile ♪

Ember: ♪ Gave him a ride ♪

Corey: ♪ Filled her with a hot meal ♪

Ember: Or two.

Wren:
Coy:
Wren: WELL I KNEW YOU WERE NAKED SO I THOUGHT I’D TAKE A CHANCE

Ember: Nope! No kissing the dickmouth.

Coy: HOW AM I HORNY AGAIN ALREADY
Wren: How are you EXTRA INCHES horny?

Wren: I’m not complaining, I’m a fan!

Wren: It must have been the age transition.
Coy: The what?
Wren: When you moved in you stopped being a university student.
Coy: …does that mean I’ve still got my debt, but I don’t get my degree?

Coy: I feel a ragefuck coming on!

Ember: Sometimes you dick mouth, sometimes dick mouths you.

Sometimes you pick up a transient and make poor choices with him.

Coy: Poor Choices would be a good name for this story.

Except you’re all rich.

Coy: Rich Choices doesn’t work as well.

Yeah, “rich” and “work” are, like, antonyms.

Corey: Wanna go again?
Ember: …you’re eventually gonna start looking for my daughter, right?
Corey: Talking about kids is a major turnoff, you know.

Ember: Well I’m sorry for imposing on you.

Corey: And I’m sorry for coming in you.
Ember: I guess if we can’t find the first kid, we can make a second one!

Corey: Let me know if that happens.

Coy: She looks so innocent. That’s practically illegal.

Wren: I’m only legal by, like, a month.
Coy: That’s not as sexy as internet porn sites think it is.

Ember: Nothing is sexy in the morning.

Corey: Beg to disagree.

Ember: I like it when you beg.
Corey: I like it when you everything.

I wonder how much sex has happened because of hugs over the ages.

Wren: I prefer to start with the sex, and get around to the hugs later if there’s time.

Ember: So apparently an all-cum diet isn’t as filling as you’d think it would be.

Coy: DON’T SCRUB AWAY OUR LOVE

Coy: Now here’s a proppa sloppa.

Coy: A masterpiece of filth!

If you’re the resurrection of Lucas, there’s a plant I need to introduce you to.

Ember: Don’t get him eaten until I decide if I want him in my mouth.

The answer to that mother-daughter porn question is NO.

Next time: rad science.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 June 2012.

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