Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which help is called for.
I wasn’t aware that Ivy was a Fox-Murphy.
God, have you been doing this since yesterday?
Coy: I dunno, god, have we?
Good call on not capitalizing “god.”
Coy: You’re taking on airs, but not that many airs, right?
No, it’s more that my proper title is THE MAKER.
Wren: Hello fishy.
Jessie: DAT FELLA WAY UP BEHIND HER LIKE BAM BAM BAM
More like BLOOSH BLOOSH BLOOSH
Yeah, good call. That way you don’t have to watch your daughter getting blooshed.
Stephen: What are you talking about? I’m looking for those dark blurry birds Abigail used to talk about.
Pingu: Noot noot!
Brooke: Interesting. But can you prove it?
Coy: You’ve gone all stiff.
Wren: You should talk.
Coy: Why’d we stop?
Wren: I orgasmed.
Coy: …I didn’t?
Wren: The male orgasm is a myth.
Coy: I’m only in first year biology, but I’m pretty sure that’s not true.
Wren: Don’t get hysterical.
Wren: You’re only pursuing your sexual autonomy because society has told you to.
Wren: On a more serious note, your dick is pretty average.
Wren: So my mom probably won’t try to steal it!
Wren: If you follow me home, she might let me keep you.
Coy: I’m okay with being a kept man.
I’m surprised they didn’t make merch of this thing.
Wren: What’s in the bag?
Xavier: The baby.
Wren: Good, make sure there’s no air holes.
Felicia: That’s inhumane. My baby-stealing sack is even silk-lined.
Felicia: So I’m gonna have to clean some of this basement shit off her before she goes into it.
Wren: You moving in or something?
Felicia: Quite the opposite.
Felicia: Alright dearie, up the butt you go.
Wren: …did you just buttfocate my sister?
Felicia: Hahaha you’re seeing things DAMMIT now we’re stuck.
Felicia: COUNTERMEASURES DEPLOYED
Wren: OW! What’ve you got in there, rocks?
Felicia: Hahaha! Yes.
Felicia: I think I’ll write a ballad about this one.
You’re seriously stealing that baby.
Felicia: I seriously am.
Felicia: You’re lucky I don’t steal them both.
Wren: I don’t feel lucky. I feel concussed.
Felicia: I promise she’ll write, once we teach her how.
Felicia: She’ll go to the finest school ENTROPY can afford. Which is the finest school!
Felicia: Alternatively we might sew her to another baby, or use her to test a baby cannon. It’s a world of possibilities!
Wren: ALL OF THEM BAD
Mailbox: .oO(LOOK OUT, KID!)
Coy: Ugh, is this something I need to care about?
Coy: *comforting noises*
Wren: How did you even pronounce those asterisks?!
Wren: MY SISTER’S GONE
Coy: Aw. Was she hot?
Wren: SHE WAS A BABY
Coy: You mean a babe? Damn!
Ivy: Maybe she’ll sell your sister on the black market, and you can buy her back!
Xavier: The black market is in the jungle! I can’t even get past the mines!
Ivy: Who’s the gross dude?
Xavier: Johnny Depp or something.
Ivy: I’m too horny for your family drama.
Coy: Have some respect!
Xavier: Don’t listen to him!
Coy: Don’t think of it as losing a sister. Think of it as gaining a plotline!
Coy: No, you’re in bad taste!
Wren: …I thought you couldn’t get any stupider-looking, but I shouldn’t have underestimated you.
Wren: Stupider hot! Looking.
Ember: There’s a weirdo hanging around outside. I’m gonna call the cops.
Wren: I’m not saying don’t call the cops, but I am saying call them for a different reason.
Wren: An evil fake gypsy stole Alexis.
Ember: That’s stupid. Shut up. That’s stupid.
Wren: It’s what happened!
Ember: I can’t handle losing a child! I certainly can’t handle losing a child and gaining a stupid new plotline!
Ember: THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TIME I GOT AXEFACED
Wren: I tried to stop her, but she hit me with a pillowcase full of rocks.
Ember: Thank god you’re a teenager and you don’t keep anything important in your head.
Ember: Hey, is William home?
Samantha: Like, basically never.
Wren: I’m rapidly losing patience with that face you’re making.
Ember: Corey? I need your help.
Corey: I think you’ve made a mistake. This is the evil secret agents. You probably want the good ones.
Ember: I want the available ones.
Ember: I hope he brings his gun.
Sullivan: Hey firecrotch, I’m at the black market and they’re auctioning off a baby with your spotty skin.
Ember: PUT IN A BID FOR ME!
Sullivan: No, I’m grocery shopping. I wanted to ask you if breastfed or used that powdered shit. It makes a difference to the taste!
Ember: If you eat my baby –
Sullivan: I’m just kidding. But I’m flattered you believed me!
Ember: You cold-hearted sonofabitch!
Coy: You hot-assed-
Ember: SHUT THE FUCK UP
Ember: Ooh, my wants and needs are conflicting.
Ember: Conflict resolved.
Corey: Hey, slow down there. We’ll have plenty of time for snogging once our business is concluded.
Ember: I thought we could do a little before, a little after.
Ember: You have no idea how hard it is to stall my libido.
Wren: Are you shitting in your pants?
Corey: I’m not not shitting in my pants!
Ember: The gypsies aren’t real gypsies, they’re baby-stealing ENTROPY spies!
Ember: Don’t you believe me?!
Corey: Sure I do. I’m just constantly disappointed by the standard of reality our world operates on.
Coy: Still, I wouldn’t be a secret agent if the concept of gunning down ethnic stereotypes didn’t appeal to me on some level.
Ember: She want that way.
Corey: I’m coming this way.
There are many different ways to handle grief.
There are many different ways to cause grief.
Xavier: DON’T COME THAT WAY!
Ember: Maybe you should just shoot him. I’m joking.
Corey: I mean… of course you’re joking.
Ember: I just know how trigger-happy you villains are.
Maybe don’t get all offended on behalf of your dad, famed serial adulterer that he is.
Xavier: I do respect fame…
Ivy: Are you guys sure the baby isn’t just in here somewhere? Under the filth?
Xavier: Do you live here now?
Ivy: I don’t not live here now!
Xavier: I really appreciate you being here for me.
Ivy: I think you’ll find I’m being here for me.
Xavier: I mean it’s good to have you here in this moment of crisis.
Ivy: Moment of crisis in your pants!
Ivy: The bulge doesn’t lie.
Xavier: No, it doesn’t.
Wren: You only came over to fuck me, didn’t you.
Corey: What can I say? The bulge doesn’t lie.
Ember: You’ll help me find Alexis, though, right?
Corey: It’ll be dangerous. I could die.
Ember: If you don’t get some plot development soon, you’ll die anyway.
Corey: Aww, you care!
Corey: I’ll get your daughter back. In however many pieces or foodstuffs she’s in.
Ivy: Who’s your mom’s friend?
Xavier: That’s his name. Jorg Momsfrend.
Ember: We’ll have to be quiet, so they don’t know we’re in here.
Corey: Can’t see that backfiring.
Ember: And I won’t see you when you frontfire!
Because of the angle.
Corey: I’d promise to pull out, but I’d probably end up breaking a window.
Wren: Your ass aura is very strong.
He’s definitely an ass.
Ember: Man, you put that load right through the wall.
Ember: Let’s fuck in the bedroom, it’s got more structural reinforcement.
Corey: Can we do one of those mother-daughter porn things?
Xavier: I can’t believe we’re doing this.
What are you doing?
Xavier: I know, right?
Coy: Have a nice life!
You’re moving out?!
Xavier: Andrew and Cameron did it!
AND IT WORKED OUT SO WELL FOR THEM
Corey: Aren’t you gonna see them off?
Ember: Not before I see you off!
Wren: Be careful, Xav. Don’t let her turn into a zombie or anything.
Xavier: Don’t be silly, we’ll get our own unique disaster.
Wren: Yeah, you probably will.
♪ Gypsies, tramps and thieves ♪
♪ We’d hear it from the people of the town ♪
♪ They’d call us gypsies, tramps and thieves ♪
Wren: ♪ But every night all the men would come around ♪
Wren: ♪ And lay their money down… ♪
Ember: I can’t help it if I was born in the wagon of a travelin’ show.
Corey: And you’re certainly not trying.
Corey: And I’m certainly now flying.
♪ Picked up a boy just south of Mobile ♪
Ember: ♪ Gave him a ride ♪
Corey: ♪ Filled her with a hot meal ♪
Ember: Or two.
Wren: WELL I KNEW YOU WERE NAKED SO I THOUGHT I’D TAKE A CHANCE
Ember: Nope! No kissing the dickmouth.
Coy: HOW AM I HORNY AGAIN ALREADY
Wren: How are you EXTRA INCHES horny?
Wren: I’m not complaining, I’m a fan!
Wren: It must have been the age transition.
Coy: The what?
Wren: When you moved in you stopped being a university student.
Coy: …does that mean I’ve still got my debt, but I don’t get my degree?
Coy: I feel a ragefuck coming on!
Ember: Sometimes you dick mouth, sometimes dick mouths you.
Sometimes you pick up a transient and make poor choices with him.
Coy: Poor Choices would be a good name for this story.
Except you’re all rich.
Coy: Rich Choices doesn’t work as well.
Yeah, “rich” and “work” are, like, antonyms.
Corey: Wanna go again?
Ember: …you’re eventually gonna start looking for my daughter, right?
Corey: Talking about kids is a major turnoff, you know.
Ember: Well I’m sorry for imposing on you.
Corey: And I’m sorry for coming in you.
Ember: I guess if we can’t find the first kid, we can make a second one!
Corey: Let me know if that happens.
Coy: She looks so innocent. That’s practically illegal.
Wren: I’m only legal by, like, a month.
Coy: That’s not as sexy as internet porn sites think it is.
Ember: Nothing is sexy in the morning.
Corey: Beg to disagree.
Ember: I like it when you beg.
Corey: I like it when you everything.
I wonder how much sex has happened because of hugs over the ages.
Wren: I prefer to start with the sex, and get around to the hugs later if there’s time.
Ember: So apparently an all-cum diet isn’t as filling as you’d think it would be.
Coy: DON’T SCRUB AWAY OUR LOVE
Coy: Now here’s a proppa sloppa.
Coy: A masterpiece of filth!
If you’re the resurrection of Lucas, there’s a plant I need to introduce you to.
Ember: Don’t get him eaten until I decide if I want him in my mouth.
The answer to that mother-daughter porn question is NO.
Next time: rad science.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 June 2012.