The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 380

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which gambits accumulate.

Man, Andrew looks cool.


Okay, okay, what’s wrong with my settings.

Sheesh.

“Penny”: I think there’s still something up with the shadows.

Arcadia: It’s nice to be acknowledged.

What’re you doing here?

Lance: I dunno, I needed some inspiration so I thought I’d remind myself how cool death is.

Lance: And also take a piss.

Arcadia: I think there’s still something up with the lights.

Lance: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
“Penny”: Just keeping you on your pointed toes.

Lance: Who the fuck…?
“Penny”: I’m who you are in the dark.

Lance: So, you’re a corporeal manifestation of evil?
“Penny”: Most people are.

“Penny”: I’m just more creative with it than most.

“Penny”: I was gonna kidnap some yokels. You want in?
Lance: As long as I end up outside the bag.

Victor: Okay, I’ve got it. Now help me pull it down.

“Penny”: Oof, that landing’s hard on the legs.

Maybe because you keep teleporting instead of walking.

“Penny”: In my defense…

Yes, if I could teleport, I wouldn’t walk anywhere, point taken.

“Penny”: I was gonna say, in my defense, teleporting at least requires some exercise.
Lance: How do you know magic isn’t physically exhausting?
“Penny”: Is it?
Lance: No, but how do you know?

Emmy: Oh god, this is what the Republicans were afraid of.

“Penny”: It’s not him you need to be worried about.
Emmy: Let me guess. You’re actually-
“Penny”: A different woman than I appear to be.
Emmy: That’s what I was gonna guess.

Emmy: I don’t get any points for not being a homophobe?

Lance: We’re evil. Rewarding virtue’s not our thing.

Penny: Okay, that’s one. Nex-

WHACK

Jizelle: Oo, moan amy!

“Penny”: Not a fucking word.
Lance: snrk

“Penny”: …you take this. For a second. Just… a…. second…

Jizelle: Pork wa?

WHACK

Jizelle: Sucré blouse!

Lance: She’s getting worse.

Or I’m doing her worse.

Lance:phrasing.

Jizelle: If I admit I’m not French, will you call a doctor? I think I just dented my brain.

“Penny”: Okay, I’m good. I’m good. Let’s have that back.
Lance: What if I want to hang on to it?
“Penny”: You ever been punched by entropy before?

Lance: I think you mean ENTROPY, the evil organization of evil.
“Penny”: No, I mean entropy, the measure of disorder in a system.
Lance: What’s that got to do with anything?
“Penny”: You’re looking at it.

“Penny”: By how green you’re glowing, I’d say you’re a man who appreciates a little chaos.
Lance: Little Chaos is what I named my penis.

Where did THAT come from?

Lance: …I mean, most dudes have penises…

THE BOOKSHELF

“Penny”: Wanna go back to my place and check out my Murphy collection?

“Penny”: Some of them are Price-Murphies or Spring-Murphies, but personally I think they count.

“Penny”: …man. She walked through that bookcase like a car through a Murphy kid!

“Penny”: I don’t like to be predictable, but it’s hard to pass up a good target of opportunity.

“Penny”: grumble mumble stupid magic secret agents grumble mumble stupid traitor magic secret agents grumble mumble

Arcadia: I’m not magic, science did this. And you ENTROPY fucks brainwashed me! It took ten inches of Sharpe dick to reverse it.

“Penny”: Nobody asked for your backstory, blackface.

Arcadia: It’s more of an oilface, really.

William: Haha, I’m oblivious.

“Penny”: Okay handsome, you take the one with the bad hair, I’ll take the one with the bad everything else.
Lance: When do I get the one with the good hair and the good everything else?
“Penny”: Evil business first, then evil pleasure.

Lance: Who are we kidding? Evil business is evil pleasure.

“Penny”: It’s nice to find a kindred soulless.

William: So when do I get to meet this new girlfriend of yours?
Victor: You might already have met her!
William: Yuck. I hope not, for your sake.

William: I’ve fucked, like, every woman I’ve met.

Lance: Do you think I should, like, murder her, or, like, put her in a stew?
“Penny”: Do what your heart tells you to, man.

Lance: Murder stew.
“Penny”: A heart after my own heart.

“Penny”: Don’t let her wake up, though. She seems pretty useless, but she is the Zombie Queen’s mom, so who knows.
Lance: Whaaaat.

Jizelle: Ouaaaaaaat.

Lance: So, you a chloroform girl or a sleeping potion junkie?

William: I’m just happy you met someone.
Nick: Does she put out?
Victor: Better! She lets me put in.

Lance: I should carry one of those gift sacks, or a garbage bag. A garbage bag! Yeah.


FOOMPF

“Penny”: I wonder how many jumps I can make before reality implodes?

We’ll know when the game crashes.

WHACK

“Penny”: New question: how many jumps can I make before my hip implodes?

“Penny”: You wouldn’t think carrying two extra people would make a difference to the difficulty of reality-tearing, but it does.
Jizelle: Eetz my vault, I hate too many crepes for lonch.
“Penny”: SANDY.
Jizelle: …Daizy?!
“Penny”: SANDY.
Jizelle: Yeah?
“Penny”: NO MORE FRENCH, SANDY.

“Penny”: Veil-rending, I can do. Bad French, bad French is too much.

Jizelle: I’d be better at it if you’d kidnapped a French teacher for me.

FOOMPF

Jizelle: Voompf.


Arcadia: My… head…
“Penny”: Say “hi” to the mall walkers, if you can see them.

“Penny”: Okay, where’s my ride?

You’re getting a ride?

“Penny”: I’d have to teleport, like, a kilometre to get where I’m going from here. There’s no more community lots on the way. I don’t mind losing my mind, but I’m sure as fuck not gonna fuck up my body.

“Penny”: “m here where r u”

“Penny”: Evil is in the details.

Chandler: Bad grammar’s pretty bad, even for you.


“Penny”: Behold!
Chandler: The temple of all evil!

Chandler: We got a very good price for it.

“Penny”: This is somewhat less secure than I’d expected.
Chandler: Is it the windows?
“Penny”: It’s the windows, yeah.

“Penny”: How’s she doing?
Chandler: Oh, you know. I haven’t heard any complaints.

“Penny”: Funny.

Chandler: How long you want me to keep her Walt Disneyed?
“Penny”: A little while longer. Also that’s a myth.
Chandler: No, Walt Disney’s real. They named a land after him and everything.

Penny: ♪ Someday… you’ll… pay… the… price… ♪

“Penny”: I know.
Chandler: She should’ve sung something from Frozen. What with the Disney reference.

I don’t know anything from Frozen.

“Penny”: Got another couple of beds?
Chandler: Just one. Which should I keep?
“Penny”: Enh, flip a coin.

Chandler: Maybe I’ll get lucky and one of them will be rude.

Arcadia: What is your entire deal?
Chandler: I’ll settle for unfriendly.

Jizelle: WHAT is THAT?
Chandler: You women, always criticizing each others’ appearances.

Jizelle: I might be fake French, but I’m real hero.

Jizelle: Hi-YA!
Chandler: Bitch. Where do you think you got your super-powers from?

Chandler: All those CROISSANTS you eat?

Chandler: Entropy punch.

Jizelle: Do you mean ENTROPY, the evil organization of evil?
Chandler: Nope.

Chandler: ENTROPY means me.

Jizelle: I don’t mean to alarm you, but there’s a corpse in the produce section.

Arcadia: Alarm… alarm…

Jizelle: MAN, you hit me hard!
Chandler: I was trying to knock some French into you.

Chandler: Not that you’ll be needing that cover anymore. Or any covers.
Jizelle: I’d like some covers, if I’m gonna be frozen.
Chandler: Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?

Jizelle: I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.

Chandler:that’s a new one.

Chandler: Haha, oh man, I am super dead.
Jizelle: You’re scared of some goth cop?
Chandler: You still think that’s Penny Spring walking around? Did you not see who was in the freezer just now?
Jizelle: I mean, without the hair and makeup it’s just another generic Sim, dude.

Arcadia: Yeah, we can’t all be distinctive, like you.

Arcadia: Let’s see if I can match your style.

Chandler: This isn’t… I don’t…
Arcadia: Shh. Molecules… almost aligned…

Arcadia: Aaaaand squeeze.

Wow, did they come with the car?

Chandler: Ack… ack…!
Arcadia: Yyyyyoooooou… miiiiiight…
Jizelle: Want to take this chance to escape, got it.

Chandler: You’re… killing…!
Arcadia: Us. Yes.

Emmy: Man, now the cops are gonna come.
Tiffany: Lighten up! More business!

Chandler: Death! Is… only-
Arcadia: I think… you’ll find… death…

Arcadia: …is enough.

Jizelle: Heroic sacrifice whaaaat

Jizelle: Last-second escape whaaaat

The Grim Reaper: I DON’T HAVE A FORM FOR THIS.

Arcadia: I’m having… some trouble… with form… myself…

Arcadia: Tell William I’m

Jizelle: I think I can officially say that science has gone too far at this point.

The Grim Reaper: Aren’t you French?
Jizelle: God, am I still? Is my cover intact? What’s even happening.

The Grim Reaper: THANKFULLY, SHOCK KNOWS WHAT TO DO.

Feet: I don’t know how thankful I’d be.

Jizelle: …ahem hem… ‘oo are yoo?

Jizelle: Honh honh honh, Frenchy French French.

Jizelle: Aww what the fuck.

Good news! The cops did come.

Nerissa: Wee-ooo wee-ooo wee-ooo.

Nerissa: Into the cooler you go.

Nerissa: I wonder if anyone’ll want to impersonate her?

She’s already impersonating someone else. Someone else who doesn’t otherwise exist.

Nerissa: Yeah, this story must be super fun for everyone who isn’t you.

Jizelle: .oO(♪ Baby, I’m cold inside ♪)


Angelica: .oO(Maybe if I think about it SUPER HARD, I’ll end up in a different story.)

Lance: You know that feeling when you’re a green-skinned evil warlock and you see a mulleted redneck in a kimono drove past you in a sports car?

No.

Lance: I’m having that feeling.

“Penny”: I can give you better ones.

“Penny”: Come check out this house I stole!
Lance: Who stole the roof?

I’M SORRY ALRIGHT

I’m fuckin’ trying.

Stewart: I’m tryin’ FUCKIN’

“Penny”: Just a sec, gotta hit him while his action queue is full.

Stewart: Shit shit. “Cry,” don’t need that. “Slap,” don’t need THAT…

Stewart: “Listen to MP3 Player,” don’t need…

Lance: Nice! A new Murphy for your collection, mint out of box.
“Penny”: And I’ve got just the box for it.

FOOMPF

Stewart: “FOOMPF”?

WHACK

“Penny”: I should install a camera so I can look at all these.

Why not put them somewhere with windows?

“Penny”: Are you kidding? Sunlight reduces their shelf life!

“Penny”: A true collector knows that a true collection must be enjoyable to absolutely no-one.

Victor: Hey thing, how’s it thingin’.

Lance: ♪ Fuck me a lady toniiiight ♪

Stewart: Fuck me in general.

Stewart: I’m the chief butt monkey of the butt monkey family.

Stewart: …except apparently they’ve all caught up with me?

Stewart: It’s happened. The eugenecists have taken over, and they’ve looked at our genes, and they know what we’ve always known.

Stewart: I don’t wanna be sterilized!

Stewart: Or killed, I guess. But sterilization scares me more.

Stewart: Who the fuck is THAT GUY.

Stewart: Why are you all fuckin’ NAKED.
Wendell: I’m writing a fanfic about Nathaniel as a bigfoot.
Stewart: Why are you all fuckin’ WEIRD.

Stewart: WHY ARE THESE CHAIRS SO BAD

Lance: Gettin’ awful yelly down there.
“Penny”: Acceptance is a late stage.

Stewart: NIECE TITS ARE NEVER ACCEPTABLE

Angelica: …oh! Did you have all this in your inventory?
Stewart: I can’t use it, though!
Angelica: Why not?
Stewart: The chairs are bugged out!
Wendell: THE CHAIRS ARE BUGGED OUT

Angelica: You’re both bugged out.
Stewart: SIT ON ME

Stewart: …sit on me? Oh god, it’s contagious.

Stewart: I am so fucked.
Angelica: Fuck YEAH!

Emerson: Gross stuff in the nude!

Angelica: Yup!

Stewart: “Listen to MP3 Player” it is. ♪ And in the hills.com, and in the hills.com, and in the hills.com… ♪

Emerson: Can I punch you in the boob?
Angelica: …no?

Emerson: Can I punch you in the cooter?
Angelica: …oh god, did you never get sex ed?

“Penny”: We’ll make him a video.

Lance: I’ve never met someone as evil as you before.
“Penny”: Aww, thanks! You never will again.

“Penny”: Be good while I’m at work, popsicle!

Andrew: .oO(♪ Closing the door, you leave the world behind ♪)

Come on, dude. I looked it up and everything.

Andrew: .o(Fine. ♪ The cold never bothered me anyway / It’s funny how some distance / Makes everything so small / And the fears that once controlled me / Can’t get to me at all ♪)

Angelica: …don’t look at that.

Lance: Man, this has been one delightful robbery.

“Penny”: It was sweet of him to wait for me to leave first. Wise, too.

Felicia: …I was gonna drop off a magic lamp, but I see you already have one.

Felicia: OHHHH, wait! It’s a SCIENCE lamp! YOU’RE magic.

Weren’t you just the carpool driver?

Berjes: I drive fast.

Berjes: Alright kids, time to hop on!

Berjes: Kids?

Felicia: Nobody home? Robbery time!

Felicia: I’ll leave them some shit antique as payment.

These things are supposed to be symbols of success.

I guess it must be for Cecilia.

Because this sure doesn’t look like the “arduous paths of excellence” to me.

Lance: I dunno, I’d find this hard to improve upon.

Next time: gypsies, tramps and thieves.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 21 June 2012.

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