The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 379

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which scenes are made, and missed.

I’m not sure which is funnier, Dirk or Wendell.

You’re not sure which is Dirk and which is Wendell.

Stewart: Dirk is the newer one. I think.

Stewart: Not like it matters, they won’t make it to adulthood.

Amin: None of them will.

“Penny”: You remind me of a young Stephen.
Stewart: Teehee.
“Penny”: Which is horrifying, because I’ve never seen a young Stephen.

“Penny”: Or hey, maybe I have. My memories are really whacked-out now. Must be all the edits to my character file.
Stewart: I’m looking at your expressions. Should I be listening to your words?
“Penny”: I wouldn’t.

Stewart: Then you won’t.

Stewart: I won’t. Whatever.

“Penny”: You’re an idiot.
Stewart: Like you said, a young Stephen.
“Penny”: Or an old one!

“Penny”: Your family is pretty much idiots all the way down.

“Penny”: In addition to being all the way down all the way down.

Did you kill him?

“Penny”: I don’t think so.

Wouldn’t you remember?

“Penny”: I don’t think so.

Nothing stays trendy this long.

“Penny”: I hope she didn’t get that outfit here.

Ember: Looking for some shirt-shaped cardboard?

Very haute couture.

I don’t mean to body shame anybody…

Wren: …were you going somewhere with that?

No, because I don’t mean to body shame anybody.

Wren: I am aware that this outfit makes me look like a weird blowup doll.

I still feel bad, because putting Wren before it doesn’t make it any less me saying it.

Wren: Being you sounds super fun.

“Penny”: I see they’ve cornered the street corner market.

That’s a fucking fantastic caption, and I don’t care if it’s wrong for me to point it out.

“Penny”: I’m just grateful you let me say it.


As if I “let” you do anything.

Wren: Hey man, how the spoils treatin’ you?

Brooke: Will you tell my boss if I just pocket this cash?
“Penny”: Yes.
Brooke: Why?
“Penny”: Drama.

Ember: You’re not getting into that family without at least a custom skintone, honey.

Vicky Vicki doesn’t have a custom skintone.

Ember: I think we both know Vicki’s a special case.

“Penny”: More like Vicki’s in a special case.

You’re still aware that she’s alive again, right?

“Penny”: Sometimes.


“Penny”: Why not?

Margaret Wolosenko the Infallibly Good Witch: Any time you want to fix this…

When your household next comes around.

Margaret Wolosenko the Infallibly Good Witch: …my household just ended for the year!

Yes 🙂

Michael: Do you guys offer corporate rates?

Michael: Okay, ignore me for the teenager, that’s a sound economic decision, alright.


“Penny”: What not?

“Penny”: Wanna be my Gomez?

“Penny”: Is she stealing my thunder back there?
Victor: They kinda both are.

“Penny”: I guess you’re never too young to learn about infection.

“Penny”: Hey short stuff, wanna blow?
Victor: Do you? Wanna blow?
“Penny”: Wouldn’t you like to know.
Victor: That would explain why I asked.

“Penny”: Catch what you eat!

Victor: I’m not sure I want to… eat, her.

“Penny”: Shouldn’t have caught me, then.

Victor: I’ve never been here before.
“Penny”: Nobody has. It’s not a here yet.

“Penny”: Oh, hey, please don’t look at my thought balloons. You’re better off not knowing.

Victor: I feel that way about most knowledge.

Victor: Okay, so. I can teleport. How are you getting in?

“Penny”: Hang on to your atoms.


Victor: I didn’t even know you could take people with you when you jump.
“Penny”: I’ve had a lot of practice.

Victor: Yeah, well, my bladder was very impressed.

“Penny”: Look out, I’m entering the wrong bathroom!

The most pressing concern of our time.


This one I didn’t fake in Photoshop!

Oh, also, I faked the last one in Photoshop.


Victor: Are you breaking rules again?
“Penny”: I don’t see any other reason for having them.

You wear Penny better than Penny does.

“Penny”: Did.

Oh. Is she…?

“Penny”: Not being Penny anymore, I’ll tell you that for free.

Victor: Was I supposed to hear that? For free?
“Penny”: You weren’t supposed to hear that at any price.

“Penny”: You’re a dumb teenager, though, I can distract it out of you.
Victor: Distract what out of me?


Victor: I think I’m gonna start calling you “Foompf.”

Victor: So… this is gonna be a theatre?
“Penny”: Yeah. Wanna put on a show?

“Penny”: I’d offer you a handjob, but I really fucked up my wrist earlier.
Victor: Masturbating?
“Penny”: No, although it was quite gratifying.

“Penny”: My favourite porn video is the one where that chick runs over that dude with her car.

Victor: That’s not porn. That was on the news.
“Penny”: The news can be porn, if you like the way things are going.

Victor: Why would you like the way things are going?
“Penny”: Because I’m the one who goings them that way.

“Penny”: You’ve got a long life of life-shortening ahead of you, I bet.
Victor: My dad’s a hero.
“Penny”: I’m a much bigger fan of your mom.

Victor: My dad’s a super spy and the governor!
“Penny”: Your mom was a queen. Governor shmovernor.

Victor: I’ve never met anyone who’d openly praise my mom.
“Penny”: As one professional to another, I liked the cut of her cut.

Victor: I like your cut as well.

“Penny”: So, inherit anything interesting from your dad?
Victor: Its name is Captain Log.

“Penny”: That sounds more like a poop thing than a dick thing.

Victor: I’m glad I haven’t told anyone else, then.

“Penny”: We can workshop better nicknames together once I see it.

“Penny”: Don’t look up.
Victor: Couldn’t if I tried.

Margaret Wolosenko the Infallibly Good Witch: PLEASE


Margaret Wolosenko the Infallibly Good Witch: PLEASE


Victor: How’s this gonna work?
“Penny”: Trickery.

“Penny”: The best way to make most things work.

Victor: I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.
“Penny”: I feel like I’ve been you your whole life.

Victor: I don’t know what that means.
“Penny”: Cherish the confusion.

Victor: Are you really… whoever you’re supposed to be?
“Penny”: Rarely.

Victor: I can’t get jiggy with someone who won’t be straight with me.
“Penny”: Just because your shirt’s baggy doesn’t mean I can’t tell you’re “getting straight” under there yourself, mister.

Alejandro: Because I’m only a chef when I’m at WORK, that’s why!

Bambi: I like this place. The ground seems really solid. I’ve never thought about the solidity of the ground before, but I think I’ll be thinking about it a lot from this point onward.

Bambi: Wow, that looks complicated. Is it something from a chance card?

Victor: Uuuugh, I never know what to pick for these. Ignore gets you nothing… uh…

Victor: Fuck it.

“Penny”: Fucking it was the right choice.

“Penny”: For me, that is.

“Penny”: You’ll probably live to regret it.

“Penny”: Unless you piss me off.

“Penny”: Or come before I do.

Victor: I’ll… try to control myself?
“Penny”: Do you feel in control?

Victor: No good old Batman movie jokes, they remind me of the bad new Batman movies.

“Penny”: Let’s do a trust fall.

Victor: More like a trust fall in love.

“Penny”: Acceptable.

“Penny”: So yeah, by the way, you’re mine now.

“Penny”: I will squish you if you cross me.

Nerissa: We’ve got an entire fucking city here, why are we lingering on an unfinished lot?
Nick: Because this is where the player is, stupid.

“Penny”: More than one player.

Victor: Boobtunnel vision!

Victor: Carpal tunnel vision!

Victor: buhbuhbuhguhguh vision

Victor: Wait, you’re mad at my dad?

Victor: I’m a Sharpe. I’ve got lots of practice not examining situations too closely.

Victor: You name my dick, I’ll name your boobs.
“Penny”: What’re you gonna name them?
Victor: Something religious, I think.

Victor: The Temple Mounds?
“Penny”: It’s a start.

“Penny”: I’m honestly surprised that penis size is hereditary.
Victor: Maybe it isn’t. Maybe I’m just lucky.
“Penny”: See how lucky you feel when you pass out every time you orgasm.

Victor: Which is imminent.
“Penny”: Don’t make me punch you out.

Victor: Wow. Whoever you are, you’re practiced.
“Penny”: Whoever I am?
Victor: There’s no fourth wall, lady. I can see the quotation marks.

“Penny”: I was hoping only the audience could see those.

Victor: And they don’t stop coming and they don’t stop coming and they don’t stop coming…

Victor: And then they do.

Victor: …did you…?
“Penny”: Yeah, like, immediately.
Victor: Why didn’t you tell me?
“Penny”: Putting minds at ease is the polar opposite of my schtick.

Victor: Speaking of schtick…
“Penny”: The Mile-Long Club.
Victor: NICE!

Victor: I’m calling your vagina the Sticking Place.

Cheryl: What did you stick me with?!


I’d love to know what Nick did, so sexily, to cause all this.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly Good Witch: We’ll never forget what happened here today, Ichelle. Never.

Jerome: It was one for the history books, alright.

Katy: I can never love you again, Bambi! I’ve found another!

Cheryl: Please someone tell me what’s going on.
Neila: My father told me never to talk to secondary characters.

Jerome: I would’ve gone with something a bit more modern.

So would I. There’s a reason I never finished this thing.

Luckily we found a purpose for it. Adaptive reuse for the win!

Chelsea: Hey kid. Spreadin’ it around?
Nick: Ayup.
Chelsea: Nice.


“Penny”: Sounds like they’re having a normal day out there.

Victor: Out there doesn’t exist.

Victor: Who needs it.

“Penny”: Her name is Penny…

“Penny”: …in for a pound.

Victor: A ghastly goddess…

Victor: …I’m glad I found.

Is there a second player doing shit out here?!

Margaret: Thank god you stopped the alien invasion before it did any more damage, Space Captain.
Tucker: We’re lucky they only killed this Space Immigration, Space Customs and Space Enforcement agent. They’re barely human themselves.

“Penny”: This is really interesting and all, but they’re putting alien babies in cages outside.

Victor: Like the cage you put my alien heart into!

“Penny”: Jokes about ICE…
Victor: Aren’t romantic, yes, let’s pretend none of this happened. Just open the box.

“Penny”: Before I take this, I have only one question.
Victor: You want me to take your last name, right?
“Penny”: I want to make absolutely certain that the opposite of that occurs.

Victor: Whatever floats your boat, future Mrs. Penny Sharpe.
Penny: It’s progress, anyway.

“Penny”: When’re you gonna make me an honest woman?
Victor: Is that even in my power?
“Penny”: Not remotely.

Victor: I can’t believe my luck.
“Penny”: You will.


“Penny”: Still a little miffed that I missed that missus massacre.

“Penny”: But at least we engaged in engorged extremity excitation.

“Penny”: And I GOT MINE

“Penny”: k bye

“Penny”: Don’t forget, your club only has one member.
Victor: My club is a member.
“Penny”: Do forget this horrific metaphor crash.

Nerissa: Aren’t you a prison guard?
Bambi: Yeah? So?
Nerissa: Isn’t that a-

Nerissa: …hallucination?


“Penny”: God, it feels good to have secrets again. All that openness was stifling.

“Penny”: Don’t need these closet skeletons anymore…

So anyway, right after playing the events which would become this chapter I started working on my big cast-list picture for Chapter Fifty! That’s what it’s called, exclamation point and all.

This picture:

(Click for full-size version)

Meaning you should now be able to tell who most of these people are!

You couldn’t at the time.

Which was silly.

But I’m nothing if not silly!

Anyway here’s what it looked like while I was working on it:

What a mess. Nearly killed my computer.

Still worth it.

Next time: spring cleaning.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 18 June 2012.

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