The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 378

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which there’s something in the basement.

Pictured: what the game thinks is going on in this household.

Pictured: what is actually going on in this household.

“Penny”: Stephen! You’re glowing!
Stephen: That’s just the robot.
“Penny”: No, you’re definitely irradiated now. Hope your underwear’s insulated.

Stephen: I’ll hold my crotch as far away from it as possible.

CRACK

CRACK CRACK CRACK

“Penny”: How romantic!

CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK

Stephen: Something’s wrong.
“Penny”: Usually!

“Penny”: How ’bout you leave before you figure it out.
Stephen: My self-preservation instinct is telling me to tell you to have a nice day.
“Penny”: Thank it profusely when you get home.

“Penny”: Gotta say, this is a pretty great look.

Except for that fact that it isn’t yours.

“Penny”: No, that enhances it.

“Penny”: I’ve always wanted to be number one.

Stephen: Soak up that sun, FRIDAY!
“Penny”: Aren’t you leaving?
Stephen: My self-preservation instinct is strong, but my tendency to stick around until something terrible happens is deep-rooted.

“Penny”: JOSHUA! My goodness, my goodness, you’re okay! Come over quickly, I need to you help me stop the evil doppelganger who killed you!

Nathaniel: No way is he gonna buy that.
Angelica: Depends on how much Twin Peaks he’s watched.

Uh… shit, what’s her name again.

Amin: New chick.
New Chick: My name isn’t fucking NEW CHICK!
WEDNESDAY: It would be easier to remember, because you will always be the new chick.

Bethany: This is a bad idea.
Nathaniel: This is a bad idea!

THIS IS A BAD IDEA

DON’T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

Joshua: Red mountain reflected on red water, am I right?

Joshua: I should probably blunder right in here, what’s the worst that could oh.

Joshua: I can’t look.
“Penny”: Not for much longer, no.

“Penny”: It’s all unravelling, Joshua. The veil is lifted.
Joshua: That why there’s a hole in the ceiling where the second storey should be?

I considered fixing it, but realized I liked the metaphor.

Besides, my incompetence is practically memetic at this point.

“Penny”: What’s the point in hiding what you are, right?

Right!

Joshua: WRONG!

“Penny”: OOF! This must be why firefighters exercise so much.

Whuck.

“Penny”: Oh hey, who brought you back? I might need to plug that gap, too.

“Penny”: Nobody splashes red paint on my masterpieces.

Said masterpieces being murders.

“Penny”: Yes.

Said red paint being resurrecting your murder victims.

“Penny”: Yes.

Bit confusing.

“Penny”: Yes.

Joshua: Got a splash of red paint right here for you.

“Penny”: Hahaha, don’t be silly. We’ve only just started adding blood effects, the technology’s not really there yet.

Yeah, wait a few years.

Nathaniel: Man, it sounds really interesting out there.

“Penny”: I need to invest in a wrist brace.

Lookin’ good… Morgan?

Morgan: No!

Madeleine?

Madeleine: NO!

“Penny”: Hey, you fucked Kendra, right?
Michael: I was married to Kendra. I had a child with Kendra. So, yes.
“Penny”: And you fucked Deborah, right?
Michael: Don’t remind me.
“Penny”: Want to complete the set?

“Penny”: Rich people love completing sets.

“Penny”: Hey man.
The Grim Reaper: HEY BABE.
“Penny”: Keep this one down, this time?
The Grim Reaper: YOU KNOW THE RULES.
“Penny”: Tell me who brought him back, at least? I promise I’ll send them right down to see you.
The Grim Reaper: THEY’RE ALREADY DEAD.
“Penny”: Fuckin’ phenomenal.

Emerson: I’m going to kill myself.

Michael: Man, if he was just a few feet to the north I could totally just take him.

Franklin: YOU’RE a BIGFOOT
Amin: Ow! So?!
Franklin: So USE YOUR BIGFOOT STRENGTH! Knock down the walls!
Amin: “Bigfoot strength” is an offensive term, you jackass!

“Penny”: Heyyyy man, how well do we know each other.
Michael: Not very well?
“Penny”: Awesome, that makes this easier.

“Penny”: This is my house.
Michael: I had no doubts.
“Penny”: It contains no secrets.
Michael: I gathered that from the metaphorical absence of the second floor!

A horror story in one image.

“Penny”: So you’re the mayor of the Valley now, huh?
Michael: The Vale, yeah.
“Penny”: I keep forgetting we renamed it.
Michael: You keep forgetting I renamed it.

Amin: WHAT’S HER FUCKING NAME

Angelica: Speaking of fucking.

Amin: Go on, take the plunge.

Michael: I’d done all I needed to as a judge. We tried and convicted all but one of the major criminals on our radar.
Muse: .oO(I seriously hope your radar is going crazy right now.)
Michael: Nice kitty.

Angelica: Right. Now, use him as a battering ram.

Mallory: JESUS NATHANIEL PUT SOME-
Nathaniel: MALLORY! THAT’S IT!

I was getting really worried for a minute there.

WEDNESDAY: We drew straws, and you have to tell Andrew why we bashed his son to death against a wall in a fruitless attempt at escape.
Franklin: Where’d you get straws?

Mallory: When in the nude, do as the nudes do.

Emerson: I’M WORRIED ABOUT BETHANY
Nathaniel: How come you’re still alive?
Emerson: The ceiling’s too low, Amin couldn’t horse me up high enough for a really effective slam.

Michael: Word on the street is, you’ve been acting strangely lately.
“Penny”: I assure you, I’ve been acting strangely my whole life.

“Penny”: It started in my teens, but it really got going at university.
Michael: Us Gen 2 move-ins didn’t go to university.
“Penny”: No, you’re right. You didn’t.

“Penny”: Come on, useless, figure it out.

“Penny”: Connect the dots.

I wish I understood this game of nudity hot potato you’re all playing.

“Penny”: I’ve got a plan, and I’m making damn sure nobody fucks it up on me.
Michael: I’m pretty one-note. As long as there’s no money in it, I don’t give a shit about your plan.

“Penny”: People say businessmen are amoral like it’s a bad thing.

Michael: I hear voices.
“Penny”: That’s so sad! Have you seen a doctor?

Michael: If you’ve got hidden treasure behind this wall, I want some.
“Penny”: If you want some, get some.

Michael: My interest is rising.

Angelica: You look good fat!
Nathaniel: Uh..
Angelica: I wish I could be fat.

Mallory: ALL I’M ASKING IS YOU GOUGE MY EYES OUT

Michael: There is literal shouting from back there.
“Penny”: What would figurative shouting even be?

Michael: Don’t avoid the question!
“Penny”: Don’t degrade the language!

“Penny”: Man, my wrist is not looking forward to the next few minutes.

Michael: What was that about your wrist?
“Penny”: Oh, ha ha, I was just… thinking about… giving you a handjob.
Michael: Oh.
“Penny”: Yeah.
Michael: …I’m still fixated on the treasure, though.

“Penny”: You know, you remind me of my br…a.
Michael: Your bra?
“Penny”: My mind is weird.

Michael: I’m sure your bra is lovely and I’m pleased to be compared with it.

“Penny”: Let me loosen your straps, bra.

“Penny”: Oops, upstairs came back. Guess its secrets-burying time again.

Michael: More like tongue-burying time.

“Penny”: You just saved yourself from a… handjob.
Michael: …is that something I should be happy about?
“Penny”: My handjobs are very bad.

Amin: SECOND ATTEMPT

Amin: Stop laughing, you’re fucking up my leverage!
Angelica: Do it! DO IT!
Amin: Gah, he’s too… slippery…!

“Penny”: Oh baby, let me-
Michael: Nope! I think my wife can fucking see us right now, from the upstairs windows.

“Penny”: I guess I shouldn’t fuck you or kill you, then.
Michael: …what?
“Penny”: Because I can’t fuck or kill your wife.
Michael: …what?

Michael: …whatever.

Angelica: Oh wow, what did you do.

Emerson: Good news everybody! I think I can abrade this wall down in about fifty years.

Bethany: I wasn’t looking forward to high school anyway.

Emerson: Did she just explode?

Amin: No, I think your sister did.
Emerson: Most of these people are my sister.

Michael: There’s dust coming out of your kick boards.
“Penny”: Someone must be kicking them.

“Penny”: Look, Michael, I’m planning a surprise party for William and I need you to not spoil it for him.
Michael: Aw, that’s so sweet! When’s the party?
“Penny”: Like a decade from now.

Angelica: That’s what you get for my stomach being fucked up!
Mallory: What?
Angelica: What?

Emerson: I can see where all this nudity is heading, and I’m super grateful that we’re all refusing to head there with it.

“Penny”: Let me be your treasure, Michael.
Michael: What’s your market value?

Franklin: WHY Y’ALL NAKED
Emerson: Because the human form is beautiful!
Nathaniel: Aw!
Emerson: Except Nathaniel’s.
Nathaniel: Aw.

Emerson: The worryingly-erect penis is the main problem.
Nathaniel: What can I do about it?
Emerson: I dunno, not be turned on by your family?
Nathaniel: Oh, should I not be?

“Penny”: Attaboy, drink some suggestibility fluid.

Mallory: Maybe this is the storyline where we work out all our differences in a tense situation!
Nathaniel: Alternatively, it’s the storyline where we all get naked, fuck, and die.
Mallory: Hey, I’m down for the second act at least.

WEDNESDAY: We need to get out of here.
Amin: I’ve already tried smashing the expendables on the walls, what else is there to try?
WEDNESDAY: Have you tried just… punching the walls?
Amin: Oh, sure. Amin’s hand health doesn’t matter.

WEDNESDAY: System > Sleep Mode > Set Alarm > Conditions > All local lifeforms have perished > Engage.
Amin: That’s… yeah.
Angelica: Pretty poopy.

Michael: I think I recognize that voice.
“Penny”: Probably not, he’s a very minor character.

Angelica: Franklin! You too?!
Franklin: Y’all were starting to make me feel like the pervert.

Franklin: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A NAKED HAIR MAN
Angelica: AND FOR NOT SMOOSHING EMERSON

smoosh

Franklin: Hahaha WATCH WHERE YOUR HANDS ARE

Mallory: ‘k guys, bye! I’m off to work.

Amin: Sure, sure, pick on the mentally-ill girl.

“Penny”: I don’t know who “Asia” is, but I think I’m going to murder her now.

“Penny”: Ooh! That avenue of chaos should’ve occurred to me earlier! I’m slipping.

“Penny”: Hey lover!
Jerome: What.
“Penny”: We were lovers! Back when!
Jerome: What.

“Penny”: Our daughter did what?

“Penny”: Whatever, I forgot we had one.

“Penny”: Man, you’re really into this topic, huh?

“Penny”: I want to talk about something else.
Jerome: What could be more important than our daughter?!
“Penny”: …Cecilia Phelps?
Jerome: I mean… YES… but what’s there to say about THAT anymore?
“Penny”: …you’re breaking my heart, Jerome.

“Penny”: And I’m making a note of it.

Wendell: Man, bread and circuses is all you really need!

Bethany: I’m a kid.
Nathaniel: We don’t wear ANY clothes in THIS family!
Bethany: I’m a KID.
Nathaniel: You’re an anti-nudist BIGOT!

“Penny”: Wow, really, a promotion? Did they make you the next General Contractor?
Jerome: …what are you talking about? I’m the city architect now. Why would I be a general contractor?
“Penny”: No, like, General Contractor! The superhero!
Jerome: That sounds stupid. You’re making that up.

Mallory: I’m telling General Contractor about this!

“Penny”: You seem really bummed about this whole “dead daughter” thing. Wanna come gargle my juicebox?

“Penny”: …I thought it was funny phrasing.

“Penny”: No, I’m sure worse phrases have been uttered.

“Penny”: Okay, “affront to the concept of human interaction” is a bit harsh…

“Penny”: Yeah, you are definitely a part of my evil plan, now.

Amin: Who’s for a suicide pact?

Amin: Before Nathaniel and Bethany stumble into something we can’t un-see?

There’s already been tons of shit I can’t un-see.

Jerome: You’ve changed, Penny.
“Penny”: Yeah. I’ve got quotation marks around my name, now.

“Penny”: I can’t believe you’d rather make buildings out of building materials than have a magic helmet that makes buildings out of magic.
Jerome: I have seen no evidence for a combination military/construction-themed superhero.
“Penny”: Well of course you haven’t, we’d never get any storylines started if the superheroes weren’t conveniently absent most of the time.

“Penny”: Anyway I think it’s really sad you’re all hung up on one little thing.
Jerome: Shiloh.
“Penny”: Hello?
Jerome: Shiloh.
“Penny”: What’s that?
Jerome: Our DAUGHTER!
“Penny”: Oh! I didn’t know her name, we’ve just been calling her “our daughter” this whole time.

“Penny”: Alright, I don’t see what Penny ever saw in you.
Jerome: Why are you talking in the third person now?
“Penny”: I’m distancing myself from the person who thought you were marriageable.

“Penny”: That person is… shall we say… on ice.

“Penny”: It’s the latest thing, everybody’s doing it.

Franklin: Hahaha her fat broke.

Franklin: Also she fucked my brother. I hear.

Franklin: And Nick.
Emerson: Wait, your brother is our dad.
Franklin: Another brother.
Emerson: Our… uncle?!
Bethany: I can’t keep track of this and I DON’T WANT TO

“Penny”: Hey there, Stewie! Is Asia there? I want to threaten her.

“Penny”: Just a sec, I hear somebody else’s baby crying.

“Penny”: Time to raise your poison resistance, little one!

Emerson: I think we’re all learning how to deal with toxicity.

Emerson: Badly.

“Penny”: I wonder if I’ll need a bigger box for my Murphy collection soon.

“Penny”: Possibly very soon.

Franklin: STOP MACKING ON MY NIECE!
Amin: Why? You want a piece? A niece-piece?

“Penny”: Everybody wants a piece.

“Penny”: And everybody’s gonna get one.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 17 June 2012 to 18 June 2012.

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