The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 377

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which only barely.

That’s no family, it’s a space station!

No, wait, it’s not a space station.

Definitely not a family either, though.

Neat establishing shot, Past Grugly, but there’s a magically-hovering house number in front of the shed. You dumb fuck.

Past Grugly: Dumb fuck yourself.

Oh god, can I affect the past now?

I’m gonna be busy for a while.

Sorry guys, I have magic time powers, I can only stick around for…


…about fifty pics.

Alvin: That’s a heck of a framing device for your inexplicable decision to dedicate an entire chapter to fifty pics.

Alvin: I hate bloody faces.

Alvin: And yardwork.

Alvin: And kidwork.

Alvin: Say “Science.”
Irvin: Science!
Alvin: That’s all you need.

Alvin: Oh! Wait. Say “Grant Proposal.”

Say “facial surgery.”

Alvin: He’ll grow into it.
Irvin: Fire! Fiiiiiire.
Alvin: …he’ll grow out of it.

Alvin: Fire blow with me!

Would you like to play with fire, little boy?

Alvin: WOO! Psychological horror! Yeah!

He’s kid! Wrapped in bear suit!

Irvin: He’s really bringing his “A” game today, alright!

Irvin: *takes a fucking SHIT on CAMERA*

*in his PANTS*

Irvin: Definitely enough information to work with!

Irvin: I can’t look.

No great loss.

Irvin: No, I mean, I can’t look. The mirror’s still way the fuck up there.

Like I said, no great loss.

Irvin: How do I look, daddy?
Alvin: I dunno, I’m not looking at you.

Alvin: I’m just thinking about the futility of it all. Anyway happy birthday!

Alvin: I HATE bloody faces!

Alvin: HATE them!

Alvin: You sure you wanna make that play, pardner?
Irvin: Who are you talking to?
Alvin: Who needs “to”?

Alvin: “to” is for people with no imaginations.

And people with friends.

Alvin: Yeah, those losers.

Irvin: Yay! The fancy beeping mirror is at my level.

Irvin: Hahaha who’s that dork.

Irvin: I’M that dork?!
Alvin: You know what they say, the dork doesn’t fall far from the dork tree.

Nice! Only fifty pics, an extended Twin Peaks joke and a re-used gag from, like, two chapters ago. Living our best lives.

Irvin: Now I’m old enough to know why people don’t like getting older.

He that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow.

Irvin: Who said that?

Some crazy desert people.

Irvin: No, I mean, just now? Who are you?

Alvin: He’s not the god of functional machinery, that’s for sure.

Careful, you don’t know if I’m the god of electrocutions yet.

Actually, wait, yes you do.

I am.

Alvin: “Statue of Vanessa Sharpe has just logged off.”

Well thank heavens.

Alvin: It says I have a friend request from “Statue of Captain Sparkles.”

Yeah, that was probably the first one to become sentient, I noticed it was missing earlier.

Alvin: Heck of a time to be alive.

Irvin: Wake me up when I can at least have sex and drink.

Irvin: Alternatively, wake me up when I’m dreaming about my FUCKING SISTER for some reason.

I read that as FUCKING MY SISTER and was really worried.

Because I misread something I typed.

Alvin: I’m just not gonna wake him up.

Irvin: Dad! I had a dream about you!
Alvin: Was I happy?
Irvin: You were… I dunno, how you normally are?
Alvin: Dang.

Irvin: I was on the veranda of a vast estate, a palazzo of some fantastic proportion. No wait, it was our porch.
Alvin: Okay.
Irvin: I had known this place. I had in fact been born and raised there.
Alvin: You established that.
Irvin: This was my first return, a reunion with the deepest wellsprings of my being. Wait, no, I’d never left, and I was still just a kid and this was still just a crappy house.
Alvin: Okay.
Irvin: My father was standing there.
Alvin: Yay!
Irvin: He was happy and care-free, clearly living a life of deep harmony and joy. Wait, no. He was an evil werewolf and he was crushing people into paste to make zombie juice.
Alvin: What a lovely story.
Irvin: I wish you nothing but the very best. I mean, good luck with that, but it’s what I wish you anyway.
Alvin: I’m so glad you had the opportunity to share that with me.

Irvin: Wanna watch Twin Peaks and cry with me?

Alvin: Yes.

Irvin: He’s pretty cool, as lame people go.

Irvin: And pretty lame, as cool people go.

Irvin: I’m gonna be just like him.
Alvin: You’ve got my sympathy.

Alvin: And all my freaking milk, apparently.

Next time: what? Yes, it’s over already. Did you think I was joking?

Next time: upstairs, downstairs, Extreme Edition.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 17 June 2012.

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