Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which only barely.
That’s no family, it’s a space station!
No, wait, it’s not a space station.
Definitely not a family either, though.
Neat establishing shot, Past Grugly, but there’s a magically-hovering house number in front of the shed. You dumb fuck.
Past Grugly: Dumb fuck yourself.
Oh god, can I affect the past now?
I’m gonna be busy for a while.
Sorry guys, I have magic time powers, I can only stick around for…
…about fifty pics.
Alvin: That’s a heck of a framing device for your inexplicable decision to dedicate an entire chapter to fifty pics.
Alvin: I hate bloody faces.
Alvin: And yardwork.
Alvin: And kidwork.
Alvin: Say “Science.”
Alvin: That’s all you need.
Alvin: Oh! Wait. Say “Grant Proposal.”
Say “facial surgery.”
Alvin: He’ll grow into it.
Irvin: Fire! Fiiiiiire.
Alvin: …he’ll grow out of it.
Alvin: Fire blow with me!
Would you like to play with fire, little boy?
Alvin: WOO! Psychological horror! Yeah!
He’s kid! Wrapped in bear suit!
Alvin: YEAH! BAD ATTEMPTS AT REFERENCES TO OLD TV SHOWS!
Irvin: He’s really bringing his “A” game today, alright!
Irvin: *takes a fucking SHIT on CAMERA*
*in his PANTS*
Irvin: Definitely enough information to work with!
Irvin: I can’t look.
No great loss.
Irvin: No, I mean, I can’t look. The mirror’s still way the fuck up there.
Like I said, no great loss.
Irvin: How do I look, daddy?
Alvin: I dunno, I’m not looking at you.
Alvin: I’m just thinking about the futility of it all. Anyway happy birthday!
Alvin: I HATE bloody faces!
Alvin: HATE them!
Alvin: You sure you wanna make that play, pardner?
Irvin: Who are you talking to?
Alvin: Who needs “to”?
Alvin: “to” is for people with no imaginations.
And people with friends.
Alvin: Yeah, those losers.
Irvin: Yay! The fancy beeping mirror is at my level.
Irvin: Hahaha who’s that dork.
Irvin: I’M that dork?!
Alvin: You know what they say, the dork doesn’t fall far from the dork tree.
Nice! Only fifty pics, an extended Twin Peaks joke and a re-used gag from, like, two chapters ago. Living our best lives.
Irvin: Now I’m old enough to know why people don’t like getting older.
He that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow.
Irvin: Who said that?
Some crazy desert people.
Irvin: No, I mean, just now? Who are you?
Alvin: He’s not the god of functional machinery, that’s for sure.
Careful, you don’t know if I’m the god of electrocutions yet.
Actually, wait, yes you do.
Alvin: “Statue of Vanessa Sharpe has just logged off.”
Well thank heavens.
Alvin: It says I have a friend request from “Statue of Captain Sparkles.”
Yeah, that was probably the first one to become sentient, I noticed it was missing earlier.
Alvin: Heck of a time to be alive.
Irvin: Wake me up when I can at least have sex and drink.
Irvin: Alternatively, wake me up when I’m dreaming about my FUCKING SISTER for some reason.
I read that as FUCKING MY SISTER and was really worried.
Because I misread something I typed.
Alvin: I’m just not gonna wake him up.
Irvin: Dad! I had a dream about you!
Alvin: Was I happy?
Irvin: You were… I dunno, how you normally are?
Irvin: I was on the veranda of a vast estate, a palazzo of some fantastic proportion. No wait, it was our porch.
Irvin: I had known this place. I had in fact been born and raised there.
Alvin: You established that.
Irvin: This was my first return, a reunion with the deepest wellsprings of my being. Wait, no, I’d never left, and I was still just a kid and this was still just a crappy house.
Irvin: My father was standing there.
Irvin: He was happy and care-free, clearly living a life of deep harmony and joy. Wait, no. He was an evil werewolf and he was crushing people into paste to make zombie juice.
Alvin: What a lovely story.
Irvin: I wish you nothing but the very best. I mean, good luck with that, but it’s what I wish you anyway.
Alvin: I’m so glad you had the opportunity to share that with me.
Irvin: Wanna watch Twin Peaks and cry with me?
Irvin: He’s pretty cool, as lame people go.
Irvin: And pretty lame, as cool people go.
Irvin: I’m gonna be just like him.
Alvin: You’ve got my sympathy.
Alvin: And all my freaking milk, apparently.
Next time: what? Yes, it’s over already. Did you think I was joking?
Next time: upstairs, downstairs, Extreme Edition.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 17 June 2012.