The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 376

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In witch.

Carolina: Hey! That was moderately clever!

Shiloh: Some of us have our sights set a little higher.

Some of us are smart enough not to antagonize our creators.

Shiloh: You don’t believe you have one.

That is also smartness-related.

Carolina: He’s not smart enough not to antagonize potential readers, apparently.

Honestly, if I drive really religious people away from this story, I’m doing them a serious favour.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I also have favours for your readership.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: You have too many extraneous characters.

That icon is extremely on-the-nose.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Later turkeys!

Lisa: Big deal, it’s only carpet.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Your stepmom is on fire now.
Shiloh: Wow, and all I did was read!

Lisa: NPCs are still vulnerable to fire…

Lisa: …but more importantly, we’re carriers.

I could only diminish this one with words.

Shiloh: Hurry up and diminish the FIRE with words!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I can’t! Firefighting is good magic!

Lisa: AWW YEAH I’M HOT

Rebecca: I liked this place better when everyone here was boring.

Well, good news.

I see the status quo rapidly approaching.

Carolina: This is the moment.

What moment?

Carolina: The moment where I decide if I’m going to be a hero!

Oh, wow! That must be really cool for you!

Carolina: Given what my decision’s going to be, no, not really.

Your daughter’s on fire.

Jerome: Thanks!

Jerome: Her daddy’s lit, fam!

Jerome: Fam?

Jerome: FAM?!

Carolina: This is a deeply inferior moment.

Shiloh: I CAN TOP IT

Shiloh: Bottom it…

Shiloh: I’m dead.

You people are the worst Terminators.

FOOMPF

She’ll be back.

Oh, what a dick, what a dick!

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: TELL THEM I DIED IN A DUEL WITH GANDALF OR SOMETHING

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I would also accept Dumbledore.

The Grim Reaper: I’M GOING TO SUGGEST YOU NOT TURN AROUND AT THIS JUNCTURE.

The Grim Reaper: SO HEY, ANYBODY NEED A GREEN DICK?

Carolina: You saved me!
Jerome: But the carpet!
Carolina: It’s just carpet.
Jerome: CARPET IS CIVILIZATION

Lisa: Man, I never should’ve eaten that green dick.

I still see it there.

Lisa: I never should’ve eaten most of that green dick.

Carolina: OH GOD, PREGNANCY PISS STINKS

Jerome: Yeah, not a fan.

Jerome: Wait, who died?

Well THAT was a short storyline.

Especially by my standards.

Catalina: I’ll take your statement after I check out the scene.
Deborah: The what now?

Deborah: REBECCA
Rebecca: WHAT
Deborah: WHAT DID YOU DO

Catalina: Where would you even get that many orphans?

Catalina: Oops, think I Lovecrafted my brain a little.

Catalina: NOPE WE’RE DOING SAM RAIMI, ALRIGHT

Catalina: I’d rather have a bitten hand than existential dread, I guess.

Catalina: I should definitely inhale this, right?

Catalina: What’s this called?

Slough soup.

Catalina: I should definitely drink some, right?

Catalina: I WASN’T RIGHT

Catalina: I BLAME THE BLACK MAN

If only this always immediately followed.

Catalina: Blue lives matter!

Yeah, but not, like, in relation or in proportion to anything.

♪ They’re creepy and they’re kooky ♪

♪ Mysterious and spooky ♪

Jerome: When did you get so… grown?

♪ They’re altogether ooky ♪

Rebecca: Is that even a word?

♪ The rapidly-escalting problems family! ♪

Rebecca: Got any songs about best friends burning to death?

Hmm.

♪ It’s better to burn out, than to fade away ♪

Rebecca: But she did both.

My, my.

Jerome: Hey, hey.

Carolina: Secondaries died, none of them were me, life’s pretty full.

Rebecca: Shiloh asked me to do something before she died.
Jerome: Was it remind me of her death? Because I’m super opposed to that right now.

Rebecca: Hey man, fuck you.

Rebecca: That was an offer.

Rebecca: It’s not fair, but I’m a little skeeved out that you’re taking it so well.

Deborah: Man, this is gonna be great for my blog.

I feel ya.

Rebecca: I am felt by ya!

Brett: .oO(I feel nothing.)

Rebecca: I want to feel everything.

Jerome: Fuck the pain away!

Rebecca: Oh yeah, turn that camera so I can get some snoggin’ done.

Deborah: Do NOT fucking touch me.

Deborah: Do NOT fucking TOUCH me!

Rebecca: Fuck and touch me.

Deborah: I’m sure there’s a reason I’m doing this. I can’t wait for someone to explain it to me.

Everyone else is busy.

Or getting there.

Rebecca: Getting busy.
Jerome: I got it, yes.

This is not a great way to process your daughter’s death.

Jerome: Yeah, I don’t think I’ll tell her about it when she comes back to life.

Jerome: Oh sure, distance yourself from the grieving father.

I’m distancing myself from the gyrating fucker.

Jerome: Wait, are you actually… enjoying this?
Rebecca: Why wouldn’t I be enjoying it?
Jerome: …ohhhhhh right, you’re a virgin.

Rebecca: Are all men as big as you?
Jerome: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Jerome: Hoo boy, you’ve got a good life ahead of you.

Rebecca: You’re half-fucking Lucas, you know.

Jerome: …!

Jerome: You know it’s bad when Deborah is the good half of something.

Rebecca: I look forward to how awkward the rest of our interactions are going to be.

Jerome: They’re gonna be super awkward.

Rebecca: It’s already setting in.

Brett: .oO(I’m not a fucking CAT!)

Jerome: .oO(You know you’ve made a bad decision when the best justification you can think of is “well it was legal…“)

Jerome: .oO(Wait a sec, aren’t I married?!)

VERY.

Veried.

Verily.

Rebecca: I wonder if this counts as “Local News” or “Lifestyle.”

I shudder to think what everything in this room is made of, that absolutely nothing but the people caught fire.

Rebecca: “Dear MissSim: I fucked my dead best friend’s dad today. I don’t want any advice, I just wanted to use your column to brag. Sincerely: Dadfucker.”

Jerome: Thank goodness consequences don’t exist.

I am awaiting the promised toddler-melting with impatience.

Jerome: Hahaha wow so gothy.

Carolina: YOU CUT OFF MY HAND

Sorry.

Carolina: YOU CUT OFF MY HAND WITH YOUR BORDER!

Sorry!

Carolina: I GOT MY HAND BACK BUT NOW MY TUMMY HURTS

Carolina: HELP ME SWAT THIS BIG WEIRD BUG

Esther Newcastle.

Carolina: You know, you never let us name our kids.

I did! That’s what you named her.

Carolina: Why didn’t you let me say it, then?

Because you’re all just aspects of me anyway, what’s the damn difference.

Carolina: This is my favourite aspect of you.

Carolina: I’mma poke its eye out.

Brett: .oO(Oh, nice. Thanks.)

Carolina: Ew, we’ve still got that one?

Carolina: Maybe it’s dead.

Catalina: You may not like it, but this is what dead looks like.

Jerome: Peekaboo!
Brett: Ghost!
Jerome: No, Brett, it’s just me!
Brett: GHOST!
Jerome: You fuckin’ broke or something?

Rebecca: Mornin’ baby!
Jerome: Uh…
Rebecca: I was talking to the baby. Rude!

Jerome: One more nightmare on the my-life-is-a-nightmare heap.

Esther: .oO(What smells? Is it everything?)

Thanks for your service, Random Extra #31.

It’s nice of you to let Random Extra #31 live in your house, Carolina!

Lisa: Let me tell you a story about your sister.

Lisa: The end!

Lisa: Try not to turn evil, get dick, and die!

Lisa: I have hidden the baby. It may or may not be alive. Good luck!

Lisa: I left the other one alone because it’s clearly poisoned or on fire or something.

Next time: Some serious competition for the shortest chapter ever.

Anything to keep the streak alive!

This chapter depicts gameplay from 17 June 2012.

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