Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
Carolina: Hey! That was moderately clever!
Shiloh: Some of us have our sights set a little higher.
Some of us are smart enough not to antagonize our creators.
Shiloh: You don’t believe you have one.
That is also smartness-related.
Carolina: He’s not smart enough not to antagonize potential readers, apparently.
Honestly, if I drive really religious people away from this story, I’m doing them a serious favour.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I also have favours for your readership.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: You have too many extraneous characters.
That icon is extremely on-the-nose.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Later turkeys!
Lisa: Big deal, it’s only carpet.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Your stepmom is on fire now.
Shiloh: Wow, and all I did was read!
Lisa: NPCs are still vulnerable to fire…
Lisa: …but more importantly, we’re carriers.
I could only diminish this one with words.
Shiloh: Hurry up and diminish the FIRE with words!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I can’t! Firefighting is good magic!
Lisa: AWW YEAH I’M HOT
Rebecca: I liked this place better when everyone here was boring.
Well, good news.
I see the status quo rapidly approaching.
Carolina: This is the moment.
Carolina: The moment where I decide if I’m going to be a hero!
Oh, wow! That must be really cool for you!
Carolina: Given what my decision’s going to be, no, not really.
Your daughter’s on fire.
Jerome: Her daddy’s lit, fam!
Carolina: This is a deeply inferior moment.
Shiloh: I CAN TOP IT
Shiloh: Bottom it…
Shiloh: I’m dead.
You people are the worst Terminators.
She’ll be back.
Oh, what a dick, what a dick!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: TELL THEM I DIED IN A DUEL WITH GANDALF OR SOMETHING
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I would also accept Dumbledore.
The Grim Reaper: I’M GOING TO SUGGEST YOU NOT TURN AROUND AT THIS JUNCTURE.
The Grim Reaper: SO HEY, ANYBODY NEED A GREEN DICK?
Carolina: You saved me!
Jerome: But the carpet!
Carolina: It’s just carpet.
Jerome: CARPET IS CIVILIZATION
Lisa: Man, I never should’ve eaten that green dick.
I still see it there.
Lisa: I never should’ve eaten most of that green dick.
Carolina: OH GOD, PREGNANCY PISS STINKS
Jerome: Yeah, not a fan.
Jerome: Wait, who died?
Well THAT was a short storyline.
Especially by my standards.
Catalina: I’ll take your statement after I check out the scene.
Deborah: The what now?
Deborah: WHAT DID YOU DO
Catalina: Where would you even get that many orphans?
Catalina: Oops, think I Lovecrafted my brain a little.
Catalina: NOPE WE’RE DOING SAM RAIMI, ALRIGHT
Catalina: I’d rather have a bitten hand than existential dread, I guess.
Catalina: I should definitely inhale this, right?
Catalina: What’s this called?
Catalina: I should definitely drink some, right?
Catalina: I WASN’T RIGHT
Catalina: I BLAME THE BLACK MAN
If only this always immediately followed.
Catalina: Blue lives matter!
Yeah, but not, like, in relation or in proportion to anything.
♪ They’re creepy and they’re kooky ♪
♪ Mysterious and spooky ♪
Jerome: When did you get so… grown?
♪ They’re altogether ooky ♪
Rebecca: Is that even a word?
♪ The rapidly-escalting problems family! ♪
Rebecca: Got any songs about best friends burning to death?
♪ It’s better to burn out, than to fade away ♪
Rebecca: But she did both.
Jerome: Hey, hey.
Carolina: Secondaries died, none of them were me, life’s pretty full.
Rebecca: Shiloh asked me to do something before she died.
Jerome: Was it remind me of her death? Because I’m super opposed to that right now.
Rebecca: Hey man, fuck you.
Rebecca: That was an offer.
Rebecca: It’s not fair, but I’m a little skeeved out that you’re taking it so well.
Deborah: Man, this is gonna be great for my blog.
I feel ya.
Rebecca: I am felt by ya!
Brett: .oO(I feel nothing.)
Rebecca: I want to feel everything.
Jerome: Fuck the pain away!
Rebecca: Oh yeah, turn that camera so I can get some snoggin’ done.
Deborah: Do NOT fucking touch me.
Deborah: Do NOT fucking TOUCH me!
Rebecca: Fuck and touch me.
Deborah: I’m sure there’s a reason I’m doing this. I can’t wait for someone to explain it to me.
Everyone else is busy.
Or getting there.
Rebecca: Getting busy.
Jerome: I got it, yes.
This is not a great way to process your daughter’s death.
Jerome: Yeah, I don’t think I’ll tell her about it when she comes back to life.
Jerome: Oh sure, distance yourself from the grieving father.
I’m distancing myself from the gyrating fucker.
Jerome: Wait, are you actually… enjoying this?
Rebecca: Why wouldn’t I be enjoying it?
Jerome: …ohhhhhh right, you’re a virgin.
Rebecca: Are all men as big as you?
Jerome: Hoo boy, you’ve got a good life ahead of you.
Rebecca: You’re half-fucking Lucas, you know.
Jerome: You know it’s bad when Deborah is the good half of something.
Rebecca: I look forward to how awkward the rest of our interactions are going to be.
Jerome: They’re gonna be super awkward.
Rebecca: It’s already setting in.
Brett: .oO(I’m not a fucking CAT!)
Jerome: .oO(You know you’ve made a bad decision when the best justification you can think of is “well it was legal…“)
Jerome: .oO(Wait a sec, aren’t I married?!)
Rebecca: I wonder if this counts as “Local News” or “Lifestyle.”
I shudder to think what everything in this room is made of, that absolutely nothing but the people caught fire.
Rebecca: “Dear MissSim: I fucked my dead best friend’s dad today. I don’t want any advice, I just wanted to use your column to brag. Sincerely: Dadfucker.”
Jerome: Thank goodness consequences don’t exist.
I am awaiting the promised toddler-melting with impatience.
Jerome: Hahaha wow so gothy.
Carolina: YOU CUT OFF MY HAND
Carolina: YOU CUT OFF MY HAND WITH YOUR BORDER!
Carolina: I GOT MY HAND BACK BUT NOW MY TUMMY HURTS
Carolina: HELP ME SWAT THIS BIG WEIRD BUG
Carolina: You know, you never let us name our kids.
I did! That’s what you named her.
Carolina: Why didn’t you let me say it, then?
Because you’re all just aspects of me anyway, what’s the damn difference.
Carolina: This is my favourite aspect of you.
Carolina: I’mma poke its eye out.
Brett: .oO(Oh, nice. Thanks.)
Carolina: Ew, we’ve still got that one?
Carolina: Maybe it’s dead.
Catalina: You may not like it, but this is what dead looks like.
Jerome: No, Brett, it’s just me!
Jerome: You fuckin’ broke or something?
Rebecca: Mornin’ baby!
Rebecca: I was talking to the baby. Rude!
Jerome: One more nightmare on the my-life-is-a-nightmare heap.
Esther: .oO(What smells? Is it everything?)
Thanks for your service, Random Extra #31.
It’s nice of you to let Random Extra #31 live in your house, Carolina!
Lisa: Let me tell you a story about your sister.
Lisa: The end!
Lisa: Try not to turn evil, get dick, and die!
Lisa: I have hidden the baby. It may or may not be alive. Good luck!
Lisa: I left the other one alone because it’s clearly poisoned or on fire or something.
Next time: Some serious competition for the shortest chapter ever.
Anything to keep the streak alive!
This chapter depicts gameplay from 17 June 2012.