The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 375

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which lines are crossed.

Ah, bolts of lightning. They give you super-speed if they make you fall into a shelf of chemicals!

They can also be used to travel through time, but they’re kinda unreliable for that purpose.

Clarence Barrett the Infallibly Good Warlock: WE ARE THE LIGHTNING IN THIS RAIN

Margaret: I’m calling the cops.
Clarence Barrett the Good Warlock: That wasn’t my fault! It was a magic backfire caused by the storm!
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Warlock: I’m calling the magic cops.

Clarence Barrett the Warlock: Could you maybe call a magic ambulance first?

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Good Warlock: Uh… uh… just let me shake off this… lightning fluid… and I’ll get right on that.

Clarence: Okay, okay, I can survive this. I’m an infallibly good warlock.

Are you sure about that?

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: I feel weird.

You pissed yourself.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: I’ve been pregnant, I’ve been a dormie, pissing myself is nothing new.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: Wait, Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the what?
Clarence: Ohhhhh no. My powers… resonate… at a frequency of…

Clarence: 1.21… gigawatts.
Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: Isn’t it pronounced “jigowatt”?
Grugly Prime: Only if you’re a technical advisor for a time travel movie.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: Don’t tell me Back to the Future has inaccuracies in it. I can’t handle that information.

Don’t watch Avengers: Endgame, then.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: So wait. I just Freaky Fridayed that man’s magic juice?

Brandi: Kill her too.

*sound of lightning, which doesn’t actually make a sound*

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Y’all might want to stand away from anything magical while we’re out here.

Shiloh: THAT BITCH JUMPED THE MAGIC POWERS LINE

Shane: I love bitches who say the word “bitch.”

The Grim Reaper: OH, WOW, IT’S ONE OF THESE THINGS. THEY DON’T DIE VERY OFTEN. I BARELY REMEMBER HOW TO TARGET THEIR AFTERLIFE.
Kenya: There’s more than one afterlife?
The Grim Reaper: SURE, I’LL SHOW YOU SOMETIME. YOU’RE JUST ABOUT RIPE YOURSELF.

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: ♪ I think my broomstick knows which way to go ♪

Margaret Wolosenko-Murphy the Infallibly-Good Warlock: ♪ Tell my husband fuck him very much ♪

He knows.

4…3…2…1…

♪ Earth below us ♪

♪ Drifting, falling ♪

♪ Floating weightless ♪

♪ Coming, coming, home ♪

Bernard: I’ve never heard that song before.

Kenya: Okay, which supernatural superheroes do I need to share this with…

Bernard: The Incredible Kisskin over here is already looped in.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Every goody-two-slippers death needs a proper celebration.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I might not have any fashion sense, but I do have a sense of occasion.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Poink!

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Okay, fine. Magus Mutatio! Happy now?

Shiloh: Yes!

Bernard: No!

Shiloh: Yes.

Bernard: …me without my Geiger counter.

Shiloh: ♪ I’m… radioactive! ♪

No.

Shiloh: ♪ Radioactive! ♪

NO!

Welcome to the new outfit.

Shiloh: I have the perfect awful face for it.

Shiloh: Appearo Stormo!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: No.
Shiloh: Presto Raino!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: No.

Shiloh: Corruptus Locus!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Okay, you got lucky. Somehow.

Bernard: Pff. It’s just rain. We’re not gonna melt.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Gosh, the only thing I love more than rain is irony.

Kenya: I’mma go inside before I die of old cold.
Ryan: I’mma go with her.
Kenya: I don’t need a sidekick, Rusty. SHIT! I’ve nicknamed you, it’s already begun!

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Homo Desolati.
Shiloh: Ha ha! “Homo.”

Bernard: Did you just invert my sexuality?
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I’ll grab your dick, you tell me if you like it.

Shiloh: I think you broke his brain.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I think I broke his atomic bonds!

Bernard: IT’S WHAT HE THINKS

Shiloh: …what did you do?!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I tried to melt him, but it backfired a bit. I think I just… well… maybe avoid that bit of sidewalk for the next few minutes.

Bernard: Okay, listen carefully. I need you to put your hand in my mouth and pull me up by the palate.

Bernard: PREFERABLY SOOgggkkkgkgkg

Bernard:

Andrew: Man, hopefully I can find out what went wrong so I can do it intentionally next time.

Bernard: HUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHGGGG OKAY HANDS FREE LET’S DO THIS

Bernard: PLEAGKGKGKGKGK

Shiloh: I’m too grossed out to look and too not looking to help.

CRACK

Bernard: GRKK

CRUNCH

Bernard: HHHGGGK

SNAP

CRACKLE

Bernard: Pop!

Yes! Goodbye already! Jeez.

At least do a thumbs-up.

No sense of occasion.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: We can’t all be perfect!

Count Alon: But some of you can.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: That gross blue man thinks you’re perfect.
Shiloh: I only have eyes for gross green men.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: What’s with your and backrubs?
Shiloh: Public handjobs are illegal.

Ichelle: Nice job serving and protecting.
Bambi: I’m a prison guard.
Ichelle: No man left behind, eh?
Bambi: THAT’S SOLDIERS OR SOMETHING

Shiloh: Maybe you should kill the other one, too.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: You’re really leaning into the whole “evil witch” thing.
Shiloh: Almost like you subtly altered my brain.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Almost, yeah.

Shiloh: I mean I think normally I’d be upset to see a man drown in solid pavement.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Well you’re welcome for the de-pussification, then.

Shiloh: You’d better not have fucked with my pus-
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Okay, okay, back up.

Caryl: I hope none of this makes it onto our Welp! reviews.

The cops aren’t doing anything, because they don’t know Shiloh is half-black.

Okay I was going to continue my “cops are often racist” bit, but apparently Past Grugly is more interested in how this texture maps over tits.

Past Grugly: My choices are awkward and inscrutable!

Bambi: Definitely don’t arrest the murderer or anything, definitely keep staring blankly at him.

Bambi: Shit, what am I doing, cops don’t have enough imagination to understand sarcasm.

What does that smell like, anyway?

Shiloh: It smells like people who think the plural of “LEGO” is “legos.”

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: The true essence of evil.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Ooh, helicopter shot!

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: This new season has a much bigger budget, apparently.

And terrible lip sync.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: How old are you?
Shiloh: Eighteen.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Like, “our actresses are all 18, honest” or, like, actually eighteen?
Shiloh: Actually eighteen.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Actually eighteen, like, “she told me she was actually 18,” or, like, legally eighteen?
Shiloh: Legally eighteen. But hey. Aren’t you supposed to be evil?
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: There’s evil, baby, and then there’s gross.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: If you’re eighteen, how come you’ve got no ass?
Shiloh: Because the category “teenager” covers the years from 11 to, potentially, over 20 in this game-slash-setting.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I’m super sorry I asked.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I forget what I was sorry about.

Shiloh: Is this really me?

It’s really you. You’re just evil now.

Shiloh: That seems like a contradiction of free will.

You freely chose to become evil.

Shiloh: This is why nobody likes philosophy.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: This is why everybody likes this!

My Sims 2-fu wasn’t good enough in 2012 to simulate the effects of a car running them down, unfortunately.

Look forward to the future.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I’m content with the present, at present.

Ryan: You must be this tall to ride the warlock.

Aiyana: The lineup starts here.

Shiloh: Good luck with that, I’ve got a whole hatful of tickets.

Shiloh: Faster! FASTER!

Ryan: Do they have any tamer rides? I have a weak stomach.

Shane: Why aren’t you watching the weird sex thing?
Oliver: I have lots of weird sex things at home.

Aiyana: Interest you in a virility potion, dearie?

Aiyana: A blind date?

Aiyana: Maybe a spot of baby-stealing?

Aiyana: THAT’S A NO THEN

Aiyana: Your honesty is refreshing.

Aiyana: My underwear is disgusting.

Shiloh: I honestly wasn’t sure if your dick would be green, too.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: It’s an evil dick.
Shiloh: So that’s why it didn’t wait for me to finish.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I love the cheap use of bad camera angles to disguise height difference problems.

Shiloh: Wanna come back to my place?
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: You have a place?
Shiloh: With murder magic on my side, I can have any place I want.

Shiloh: It’s my turn to give you a ride.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I don’t like women drivers.
Shiloh: Evil?
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Evil.

Shiloh: Fine, carpooling is for do-gooders anyway.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Yeah, I’m obviously not looking to curb my emissions any.

Shiloh: I either have to buy a seat or some lube for this thing.

Shiloh: Leaning towards lube.


Rebecca: Did you start a new plotline without me?!

Shiloh: Would you believe…
Rebecca: Whatever it is, probably not.

Shiloh: Wanna check out my-
Rebecca: -gross naked waif-bod? No thanks.

Subjecting your friends to unwanted nudity is pretty evil.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Such pretty evil.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: So pretty I can’t even look directly at it.

Rebecca: I realize that the space I am occupying is the only space in the entire universe, but did you know that the space I am occupying IS NOT THE ONLY SPACE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE?!

Shiloh: She’s just mad because she used to be the worse one.

Rebecca: I can out-bad you any day, scrawnykins.
Shiloh: Bet you can’t!
Rebecca: I’ll beat up your dad!
Shiloh: Fuck my dad!
Rebecca: You’re on!

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Not a fan of the pink drywall, but it’ll all slough off soon anyway.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Not a fan of toddlers, but yeah, same story.

Shiloh: Hey! This looks terrible.

Shiloh: I’m finally the creature of darkness I’ve always wanted to be.

Always, as in, like, for the space of two chapters.

Shiloh: It’s not my fault that those two chapters contain the bulk of my characterization.

Shiloh: I hope there’s lots of sex spells.

Carolina: I suppose it’s too late to make this a heartwarming story about childbirth.

It is, thank god.

Rebecca: Weird, I thought you only shit out your mouth.

Oh good, you’ve learned the spell for “melt your own hand off.”

Shiloh: Manus desolati, if you’re wondering.

Shiloh: Maybe there’s something in here that’ll grow me some real genitals.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: There isn’t, but there’s lots of spells for stealing other people’s.

Evil?

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Evil.

Carolina: I don’t know what you’re cooking for dinner, Lisa, but it smells like rotten dick.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: You rang?

Next time: it’s magic, you know.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 17 June 2012.

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