The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 374

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

Click Here for Previous Entries!

In which sometimes the magic doesn’t work.

That’s too liberal a definition of “family” even for me.

Lisa: What’s this crap on my head?

Deborah: Your face.

Jerome: I think I made Christmas milk.

Deborah: Is that General Contractor?

Who?

Deborah: General Contractor! The construction and military-themed superhero! He uses his PPE (Personal Power Emitter) to make guns and hammers out of light or some shit.

That sounds stupid.

You’re making that up.

Lisa: Time to flush.
Carolina: No.
Lisa: Time to flush the dead fish.
Carolina: No!

Lisa: I’ll leave it up here in the dirt, it’ll suffocate without water.

Not if it’s resourceful.

Brooke: EW! OLD LADY! CAN’T LOOK!

Brooke: GET RID OF IT!

Lisa: Happy to know you, Mrs. Roosevelt!
Carolina: I’m calling the hospital.

Lisa: I made you a snack!

The neighbourhood deco versions of the lots you’re not playing are simultaneously really impressive and really unimpressive.

Rebecca: What’re you talking about? That Minecraft-lookin’ fence is boss.

Shiloh: Don’t be ridiculous, Minecraft looks way better than that.

Rebecca: Fight you over it.

Rebecca: Ha! Missed me!
Shiloh: You’re part Lucas. I’m afraid of accidentally touching that part.

BIFF

Shiloh: Ow! What the FUCK!
Rebecca: The Lucas part says fuck you too!

Rebecca: We still going out tonight?

Guess you’ll have to play your… PSP thing instead.

*checks Wikipedia*

This was 2012, so you have your choice between a football game, a football game, a racing game and a football game.


Hey lady.

Bradley: Don’t you forget it!

Apparently I did, because I typed “Bradley.”

And to shame myself for misgendering a fictional character I invented, I’m preserving the mistake for posterity.

Bradleigh: Your life seems fun.

Ryan: Hahaha she says she’s a statue.
Tucker: Hahaha she’s so silly.

I fixed it, but there was collateral damage.

Yup yup this here city I done made.

I know the Sims 3 April Fools made it kind of confusing, but… someone definitely died using that thing, like, a few months ago.

And y’all aren’t exactly plot-essential.

Welp, guess it’s Die Like a Pirate Day.

Cheryl Benson: Should we call an ambulance? Like… what’s the word?

In anticipation? That sort of thing?

Cheryl: Yeah, but what’s the word?

Fuck, I don’t… I don’t know! Fuck.

Tucker: Maybe call them first, then figure out the word.

Cheryl: No way, I’m not gonna embarass myself in front of some hunky ambulance driver.

Carolina London: I think you’d be talking to the dispatcher, though.
Cheryl: Dispatchers can be hot too! Can’t they?

Tucker: Never mind, guys, I’m going to space.

Abigail: Now, let us see if the creature can successfully mingle with humanity!
Bradleigh: That’s… definitely offensive.

Shiloh: Still not gothy enough. I think I need to see someone die.

Shiloh: Dying on the dancefloor doesn’t count.

Cheryl: Hey, you playable?
Shiloh: Ayup.
Cheryl: What’s it like?
Shiloh: About the same as being non-playable, when he stops updating the story for, like, a year.

It was a busy year for me!

Sullivan: Well congratulations on your eight-month jerkoff, jerkoff.

CLANK

Tucker: Space is hard!

Sullivan: Sullivan is hard. Stretch that hand a little further, pumpkin.

Sullivan: Don’t be offended! I am also a pumpkin! Let me show you my seed.

Shiloh: How much would you charge to murder that scary man?
Tucker: I just spent eight months in space as a space bounty hunter, and if I learned anything thereby, it’s that that thing is no man.

Shiloh: You didn’t actually go to space. The lights just glowed really bright for a second.
Tucker: Tell that to the crew of the I Disagree, the finest comet-jet out of Vega, or my seventy-three Dillpicklian wives!

Shiloh: Can I have that handshake back?

Shiloh: ZAP! That’s how I’d kill you, if I had magic powers.
Tucker: That reminds me of the nuclear witches of Witchnuclear 5!
Shiloh: Man, just… fuckin’ stop, okay?

Shiloh: Make him stop.
Tucker: Yeah, make me stop.

Shiloh: Seventy-two husbands, here I come!

Shiloh: Oh hey, it’s Zombie Sean! He’s really committed to the goth lifestyle.

Shiloh: am i about to die

Tucker: I’m sure if you were, there’d be some reference to death in the title pic.

Tucker: Ohhhhhh. Dang.

Troy: What’ll it be?
Sean: Braaaaains.
Troy: Picked or racked?

CLANK

Shiloh: Why did they put spikes on this thing?!

Neila: Should we tell someone about this?
Opal: I haven’t been keeping track, but I think, I think whoever kills this one is committing genocide.

Sullivan: I’m game.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Mwahahaha! I will create a loud and wet thunderstorm outside this soundproof and fully-enclosed club!

Warlocks! Feared denizens of darkness! Sadistic masters of the underworld!

Shiloh: I am super jealous of how terrifying that dude is.

Shiloh: Hey, wow! I can see some rain through those tiny windows! Magic must have been involved somehow.

Shiloh: I wish I had the power to slightly impinge on other people’s consciousnesses.

Shiloh: OH GOD A HUGE METAL MONSTER

Sorry. Got that streetlamp in the shot accidentally.

Shiloh: Are you a wizard?
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I am a warlock.
Shiloh: Is that, like, a military wizard?

Shiloh: I like the colour of your skin. It’s very grim.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: That’s racist! Thank you.

Shiloh: ZAP! That’s how I’d compel you to flirt with me, if I had magic powers.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Challenge accepted!

Shiloh: Are you saying you can give me magic powers?!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: That depends. What are you willing to give in return?
Shiloh: Nothing.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: …you were supposed to say “What will it cost?” or something, so I could say “Everything.” All ominous-like.
Shiloh: Yeah, okay, but I’m keeping my bid at “nothing.”

Shiloh: I can dislocate my arm!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Freaky!

Shiloh: Pretty please will you make me a warlockess? I promise to be good!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Could you promise to be bad?
Shiloh: Yes! I was secretly gonna be bad anyway!

Shiloh: So bad.

Shiloh: Can I get green skin and stank clouds, too?
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: You can’t not get them!

Shiloh: What say you and I get you arrested for public indecency?

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Sounds evil. Atrociously evil!

Shiloh: So, come here often?
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: No, I am too busy being atrociously evil to come to the club and go dancing. Often.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: It seems pretty cool in here, though.

Carolina: It’s not

SPLACK

GRRRCH

Carolina: Ohhhh there goes my scalp

Shiloh had a point about those spike things.

So, I’ve got good news and bad news.

Carolina: The bad news is I’m never gonna get to have kids.

No, that’s not news at all.

The bad news is you’re fuckin’ dead.

Carolina: What’s the good news?

Shiloh’s not the one who dies!

Shiloh: That is good news!

Shiloh: Oh man, I feel so helpless. So… hopeless. So mortal!

Shiloh: This is exactly what I wanted!
The Grim Reaper: COMING THROUGH, WATCH THE SCYTHE

DON’T! THAT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA!

Ally: But I really want to try it out!

I’M TALKING TO ABIGAIL

Abigail: *hic* I’m talking to the shpace pirate, thank you very muchsh!

Shiloh: NPCs suck.

Sullivan: And that’s only the first baby I ever garroted!

Abigail: I wish I thought you were making this shit up.

Nah, nothing but truth going around today.

Shiloh: You wouldn’t be saying that if you saw my stuck danceface, stranger.

Shiloh: Whew, my greeting face unstuck it.
Jeremy: Words!

Shiloh: He’s kinda cute!
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: ZAP! That’s me electrocuting him to death, if I could do that. OH WAIT

Who says problems don’t go away on their own?


SMASH

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: EVIL!
Shiloh: You could’ve given me a ride, you know.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: EVIL!!!

Shiloh: I’m starting to think there might be too much ambient magic around these parts.

Shiloh: Ooh ooh teach me how to melt burglars, they don’t even have rights.

There are too many Caryls in this neighbourhood.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: And they’re all unfuckable.

Yeah, well, one of them is a teenager, so.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Unfuckable covers a range of reasons!

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Do you think they serve evil omelettes here?
Shiloh: I think they serve good omelettes here…
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I’m good-intolerant.

Nikki: Do you need me to call the cops?
Shiloh: I need you to tell me about your specials.

Nikki: Our specials tonight are that guy! He’s fuckin’ special.
Shiloh: Don’t make me punch you out.

Shiloh: Move along, whitebread.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: You’ve got a lot of nerve calling someone “whitebread,” looking the way you do.
Shiloh: What’s looking awesome got to do with it?

Shiloh: You’ve got terrible table manners.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I’ve got atrociously evil
Shiloh: That’s getting old.

Ryan: Is it ever. Also that Cheryl is a DOG

Don’t make me poof you intentionally this time.

Bernard: I’d like to take a leak in her.

WHAT

Bernard: Because… my last name is Leak!

WHAT

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Do you know that White chick?
Shiloh: I know a lot of white chicks.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I mean the one whose last name is White.
Shiloh: I know a lot of chicks with white last names.

Shiloh: I noticed you from across the room and couldn’t notice that you have the most incredibly awful last name!

Shiloh: I’m into incredible awfulness.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: I thought you were into atrocious evil!

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Buddy, you’re gonna make the front page news when I’m done with you.

Wait until next chapter and it’ll make the title pic!

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Ooh! Deal.

Caryl: As long as you’re surviving at least one more chapter, I guess we can serve you.

Shiloh: He’s so cute when he’s plotting revenge.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: THAT’LL TEACH ‘EM

Was it another thunderstorm?

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: IT’S ANOTHER THUNDERSTORM

Prof. Pierce Woodrow: Should I be here?

No. The barriers between neighbourhoods are breaking down.

Prof. Pierce Woodrow: As a citizen, I’m concerned. As a professor of molecular physics I’m excited.

Shiloh: As a worrier, I worry.

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Aw, don’t be afraid! Just remember: the worst possible thing will always happen.

Shiloh: That does simplify things.

Just ignore him, I’ll call the cops.

Shane: Wow! On a first date?!

Shiloh: Hey! Eyes on the real playable, and off the uplifited NPC!

Uma: Is that… racism? I’m having trouble working out the parallels.

That red-haired dude is macking on a teenager.

Kenya: That would sound like a job for Captain Hero, if she weren’t super fucking old and in dire need of her vitamin water.

Bernard: I perceive attractive women dating other men as unfair!

You are most men on the internet.

SMASH

Clarence Barrett the Infallibly Good Warlock: Good! That was an evil window.

Clarence Barrett the Infallibly Good Warlock: Hey baby.
Andrea: Our alignments are incompatible.

Clarence Barrett the Infallibly Good Warlock: I’d switch sides for you!
Andrea: Not if your title is to be believed, you wouldn’t.

Clarence Barrett the Infallibly Good Warlock: Hell yeah you’re fine!
Uma: Fine without you, yes. I am.

He’s not wrong, he’s just wrong to point it out.

Bambi: You’re under arrest.

Shane: My balls are under arrest!

Clarence Barrett the Infallibly Good Warlock: Watch where you wiggle that sweet ass, sugar.

Clarence Barrett the Infallibly Good Warlock: There’s an unlikely series of events that could lead to disaster if you’re not careful, involving close proximity to a strong source of magic, an electrically-conductive wand and certain atmospheric conditions.

Clarence Barrett the Infallibly Good Warlock: Like in a thunderstorm, for examp-

Next time: maybe he finishes his sentence!

Or maybe he’s already finished.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 17 June 2012.

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