The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 373

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which people do things.

Man! All that going on, you’d think some really interesting people live here.

But nope.

Leonard: We shouldn’t talk about how hot dudes are, it worries my wife.

Leonard: But dudes are really hot.

Leonard: Really hot.

Andrea: So, this is an intervention?

Kelsey: Yeah, Leonard’s libido needs recalibration.

Andrea: His face, too.

Andrea: I want to recalibrate his face. Manually.

Stewart: I hate it when my day gets used as a backdoor pilot for other stories.

Stewart: Even cute, redheaded stories.

Kelsey: Oh my gosh, for me?! What is it?!
Leonard: That information is lost to the ages.

Kelsey: I’ll stick it up my ass, then.

Stewart: And what an ass!

Kelsey: Yes, you are.

Kelsey: And yes, you do! Do also. Have an ass.

Kelsey: I’ll always remember this date as the point where my language centre failed.
Stewart: WE’RE ON A DATE NOW?!

Sir Wally: Where’s my money, bitch?

I guess this was important to me at the time.

Maybe someone reading this can tell me why.

Stewart: Ooh, I know this one! It’s because that’s the bedroom he shares with his wife, and that’s not his wife in the romantic photo!
Kelsey: I’m glad you figured it out, because he clearly had no idea what to caption this.

Meanwhile Asia wisely decides to sit this one out.

Lay this one out?

Andrea: Hahaha so this guy I can’t tell you about?
Kelsey: Yeah? …what?

Andrea: A thing happened to him which I also can’t tell you about.

Andrea: Because of a girl I can’t tell you about.
Kelsey: I’m glad you trust me enough to talk about this.

The dork doesn’t fall far from the dork tree.

Andrea: Whaaaat?
Kelsey: It’s true.
Andrea: You’re saying my mom put fake contacts on you, so you wouldn’t know you weren’t actually her daughter? My sister?!
Kelsey: Wouldn’t it be funny if she’d done it to you, too?
Andrea: Hahaha no.

Andrea: Distract me.

Andrea: Too late, I remembered I have other, better prospects.

Leonard: Then why aren’t you at their house?
Andrea: Because I can’t control where the player is looking! Duh!

Leonard: We are all trapped in boxes, within boxes, within boxes.
Andrea: Don’t get philosophical, you’re not bearded enough yet.

Kelsey: My instinct is to disrupt happy relationships.
Stewart: Wow, where would you even find something like that?

Kelsey: Isn’t your relationship happy?
Stewart: My wife’s in bed after noon. What do you think?

I mean…

I got up at 2:30 today.

Stewart: And are you happy?

… 🙁

Andrea: Watch them squirm!

I’m glad we understand each other.

Stewart: Would an actual plotline be too much to ask for?

Not at all!

I’ll make sure the next household gets one.

Kelsey: You should be happy with what you’ve got!
Stewart: I’d rather be happy with what other people’ve got.

Stewart: I’m willing to trade, if they are.

Kelsey: Everyone’s individual circumstance is beautiful!
Stewart: Okay snowflake.

Stewart: Read a book or something.

Andrea: So Kel, what have you been DON’T TOUCH MY HAND SICKO

Kelsey: x=1/2y2
Stewart: ‘k.

Andrea: Did you know there’s a novel set in this setting?
Leonard: Yes, and so does the only person reading this.

Stewart: My seasonally-inappropriate clothing club meets today. Later losers!


Flamingo Conspirator: .oO(WE ARE UNDONE)

Rosemarie: What do you want.
Leonard: Just to be close to you.
Rosemarie: Gross.

Leonard: Also for Lilith and Angela to sort out their differences.

There’s lots of fanfiction online if that’s your bag.

Rosemarie: I’m going to cut off his bag.

I always thought that was a stylized tomato.

It’s a bowl of something with a spoon in it.

God, I hope I haven’t noticed this already and forgotten it.

My life is a joke.


Leonard: Geez Rose, don’t have a cow.


Leonard: What just happened.
Cow: Lilith and Angela got into a fight and Mary-Sue caught Daniel cheating with Kaylynn. Can I turn it off now? It’s just credits.

Leonard: Thanks for dropping by, relationship salvage cow.
Cow: Just doing my whatever.

Andrea: You look just like your father!
Leonard: I do?
Andrea: Yeah! I feel sorry for you.

Leonard: I’m gonna choke myself to death.
Andrea: Good.

Kelsey: Did I hear somebody mention choke play?

Andrea: Leave that poor ugly boy alone.
Kelsey: Look, Andy. Once the wheels on my bus start going ’round and ’round, I’m goin’ all through the town.

Kelsey: Around the World in Eighty Lays, if you catch my STI. I mean my meaning.

Leonard: I bet I could fit this remote in my mouth.


Kelsey: So hey, you motherfuckers got… motherfuckin’ lights in this bitch?

Kelsey: Skiing!
Leonard: Yep, no skiing. No tennis, either.
Kelsey: No tall buildings!
Leonard: No baseball.
Kelsey: No basements!
Leonard: No variations in people’s height.
Andrea: THAT’S a REAL sucky limitation! You win, Leo!

Leonard: Our existence is a moderately-unpleasant dream.

Asia: Why do you think I sleep through most of it?
Andrea: Is it the no lights?

Asia: Getting a sample size?
Andrea: I don’t want to find out I’ve been missing out on a few precious Comfort points for choosing the wrong seat!

Leonard: I, too, worry that I am missing out on potential comfort.

Kelsey: I hate to see you worry.

Kelsey: But I love to see you tense.

Leonard: Baby, you just blew the roof off! And the entire second storey.

Kelsey: I guess Asia’ll have to sleep on the couch from now on.

Luckily, we now know which seat is the most comfortable.

Andrea: It’s the middle one.

Andrea: Is that Kelsey’s lipstick I’m seeing on you?
Leonard: Kelsey’s not wearing lipstick.
Andrea: Well sure, not anymore!

Leonard: Leave my marriage alone.
Andrea: Leave you alone in your marriage, got it!

Leonard: .oO(Don’t do it… don’t do it… don’t do it…)

Leonard: DO IT DO IT DO IT

Asia: Remember when Nemesis was the worst Star Trek movie?

The good old days.

Sir Wally: Where’s my world, bitch?

Leonard: I’m going to hell when I die.
Kelsey: You’re too boring for that. You’ll probably just cease to exist.

Asia: Is that an option?

Rosemarie just wants a little harmony.

That girl’s name is Harmony.

Rosemarie: You know it’s a good joke when you need to explain it.

Rosemarie: I’ll pretend to be a Sharpe girl.
Leonard: I’ll pretend to be…
Rosemarie: A Sharpe man. That’s the only way those fuckers do it.

Leonard: DO IT DO IT DO IT

Meanwhile Stewart has been crowned King of the Losers.

Stewart: Royalty is royalty.

Stewart: I wonder if I could convince her to smother me.

Stewart: This will have to do.

Leonard’s nose is about 75% Rosemarie’s hair right now.

Asia: mf… Tylopoda… unnggh… fuck me you busty bastard…!

Asia: mf… Leonard…
Stewart: No.

Leonard: mf… Stewart…
Rosemarie: NO.

Rosemarie: Nooo.

Leonard: Zeds don’t care.

Leonard: Dammit, she bypassed the zeds!

This is Dominic Landchild-Murphy.

Leonard: What is?

The baby.

Leonard: What baby?

YOUR baby.

Leonard: Go back to sleep, you’re dreaming.


Rosemarie: That’s not happening.

Dominic: .oO(Is that the service cord?)

Pull it and see.

Asia: I think somebody just died.
Stewart: I didn’t hear Rosemarie start the car up.

Asia: I think I hear my uterus starting up.



Stewart: Child! I will DESTROY YOU for harming my beloved wife!

Stewart: I mean something’s gonna end up destroying him anyway…

Leonard: How do you know it’s a him? It’s probably not a him.

It’s a him.

Asia: Hahaha get it away from me

Rebel Gonzaga-Murphy.

Because everyone should have a name that makes people say “No, but what’s your real name, really?”

Stewart: He’s a rebel?

And he’ll never ever be any good.

Stewart: He’s a rebel?

‘cuz he never ever does what he should.

Stewart: We just wrote a song about him!
Asia: I have bad news for you, man.

Stewart: Mind if I slip past you?
Rosemarie: Yes. Always.

Leonard: Man, I bet there’s something behind me I do not want to see.

Stewart: Better than having it in front of you. Eugh.

Asia: Please don’t garrote the baby.

Asia: Seriously dude, this is how you got run over!


Domestic abuse makes you feel powerful, huh?.

Asia: He’s not making it to toddlerhood.


Asia: So why put my back out on his behalf?

Rosemarie: Stop smelling me.
Stewart: Stop smelling so good!

Rosemarie: …is this seriously happening.

This week on Hell’s Kitchen, the red team has prepared red mush and the green team has prepared pork chops. No word on why either team chose to prepare huge dinners for breakfast.

Rosemarie: Oh, is it morning? I can’t tell in this black hole of a house.

Asia: Whose turn is it to wash the ceiling today?

Leonard: I’m just super impressed with your gleek strength.

Stewart: So, which of our kids will be the evil one?
Stewart: There’s gonna be a good one and an evil one, right?
Stewart: What?

Stewart: My money’s on yours being evil.

Asia: Your dad is really hot, eh?

Leonard: You might not want to say stuff like that around Stewart.
Asia: Why?
Leonard: Our dad stole his last wife.
Asia: Why doesn’t that bother you?
Leonard: …because I’m not into Stewart’s wife? I don’t understand the question.

Rosemarie: Hahaha my life is over.

Rosemarie: There is not enough powder in the world.

Discuss: the elbow is the worst part of these models.

Stewart: Where you taking that? Garbage day is tomorrow.

Stewart: Where you taking my heart…

Rosemarie: Don’t touch it! I think it’s dead.

Stewart: Touch me instead.
Rosemarie: Asia will kill you.
Stewart: At least I’ll die horny.

Stewart: Don’t fucking look at me like that.

Sir Wally: Where’s my conclusion?

Sir Wally: Bitch?

This chapter depicts gameplay from 17 June 2012.

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