The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 371

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which I’ve suddenly got free time again.

Looks like a fun situation.

So let’s watch this woman pee herself instead.

Vicki: YOU USED THE WRONG TITLE CARD

I know.

Vicki: YOU SHOULD FIX IT

Why do you care?

Vicki: I’M TRYING TO TAKE MY MIND OFF MY EXPLODING BLADDER

Vicki: IT’S GONNA START COMING OUT MY MOUTH

Vicki: Yes! Distract me.

Stephen: May the power of love still your beating bladder!

Vicki: Not totally sure it may, but let’s try it!

Stephen: Will you be a wife? A my wife? A wife of mine? I have several.

Vicki: We can start a spouse collector’s club.

Stephen: We can trade notes and fluids.

Vicki: William’s gonna be furious.
Stephen: Is he?
Vicki: Maybe. If he notices.

Vicki: Got any bushes out here? ‘cuz I’ve still got a powerful need.

Vicki: Oh good, fancy clothes to soil.

Vicki: Please say something if my eyes turn yellow.

Contessa Lucy: Want me to officiate?

What powers do you have?

Contessa Lucy: Hypnotism and batflight.

I meant civic powers.

Contessa Lucy: Oh, yeah. That makes more sense.

Stephen: Will you take me, and take me, and take me until I’m so taken with you I can’t take it any more?
Vicki: Aw!
Stephen: I take it you will, then.

Vicki: Take it as a hard yes.

Stephen: Innuendo.

Contessa Lucy: I claim prima nocta!

That’s probably a myth, and anyway, you didn’t tell me what civic powers you have.

Contessa Lucy: You stand on the hallowed ground of Toyonagavania, ceded to the SimNation by treaty only under daylight!

I’m kinda hovering, actually, myself.

Anyway this is happening.

Stephen: We’re two happenin’ young fools.

Except your ages combined equal three dead people.

Vicki: HOLD THAT THOUGHT

Vicki: OH GOD OH GOD WHICH ORIFICE IS IT AGAIN

Vicki: I remembered

Vicki: Why couldn’t I have just died.

Now that one of you is cleaning up the other’s mess, I pronounce you husband and wife.

Vicki: Not the best wedding I’ve had.
Stephen: Not my worst.

Stephen: That’s it, baby! Put that pucker to good use.

Stephen: Don’t get any pee on me, though.

Stephen: Your thighs are dry, at least, but I’m still keeping my distance.

Vicki: Life is pain.
Stephen: Ain’t it just.

Vicki: It says here if three moods fail I die.

Vicki: Your concern is overwhelming.

Stephen: Wanna take a shower?
Vicki: Together?
Stephen: Not until you get the pee off, no.

Stephen: Also my other wife, who doesn’t know she’s my other wife yet, might object.

Vicki: Where’d your clothes go?
Stephen: Why isn’t your mouth moving?
Vicki: Why isn’t your mouth moving?

Moving on.

Stephen: I wonder if I could electrify this thing.

I’m exercising my right of prima imbra.

Vicki: Is that “first shower”?

It’s probably not, but it’s the best Google Translate could offer.

You look like someone punched you under the eyebrow ridge.

Stephen: Want to hear a funny story?

Stephen: It has boobs in.

Stephen: I’m not sure how to introduce you to her.
Vicki: So let’s just leave.
Stephen: Then I’ll end up the subject of a blues song or something.

Margaret: Hey Steve-
Stephen: Eh! Steve!
Margaret: …who’s the bitch?

Margaret: Oh wait, it’s that serial killer. Probably best to let her naked do whatever she naked wants.

Margaret: EXCEPT HUSBAND-STEAL

Margaret: Tell-all novel, here I come.

Vicki: Sounds like she’s taking it well.

♪ And my heart had a problem in the early hours, so I stopped it dead for a beat or two ♪

♪ But I cut some cord, and I shouldn’tve done it, and it won’t forgive me after all these years ♪

♪ So I sent it to a place in the middle of nowhere with a big black horse and a cherry tree ♪

Stephen: If you mean Takemizu Village, no. We’re heading to the island.

♪ Now it won’t come back, ‘cuz it’s oh so happy ♪

♪ And now I’ve got a hole for the world to see ♪

Stephen: ♪ Woo-oo ♪

♪ It all seems like yesterday, not far away ♪

♪ Tropical the island breeze ♪

♪ All of nature wild and free ♪

Stephen: ♪ This is where I long to be ♪
Charles: So sign the fucking book?

Charles: And pick a song, already, it’s super confusing.

Vicki: Everything is super confusing.

Vicki: What’s there to see around here?
Stephen: Uh, talking statues and stuff, I guess.
Vicki: Talking statues you guess?!

I enjoy the audacity of putting a “boardwalk” in a game where you can’t make boardwalk-length lots.

Stephen: I haven’t been here since my first wedding.
Vicki: We’re honeymooning where you’ve honeymooned before?
Stephen: There’s only three destinations, and I didn’t feel like being cold or gaijin.

Vicki: You know a foreign word!
Stephen: A foreign word for “foreign turd!”

Stephen: We should dress the way we think locals dress so we can think we’re fitting in when we’re really sticking out.

Okay, compare this with the previous pic. I’m always super pumped when I see my spatial sense developing, when I’m all like “that angle was shit, let me try that again.”

Stephen: Don’t I know this schlub?
Vicki: He’s so good with the little people!

I can’t tell from this angle. Is that more grass, or is that your hairy man mound?

Vicki: “Hairy Man-Mound” is my new nickname for you. Or, wait! We could legally change your actual name to “Harry Manmound.”

Stephen: Shut up.

Stephen: Those falsies are too big.

Stephen: You got anything less practical for the lady to wear?

Stephen: Here, let me adjust that for you.

Stephen: I’m horny.

Stephen: I’m really hoping this marriage will be in the point-five percentile where everything doesn’t collapse spectacularly.

Stephen: Neither of us is William, or Abigail, or a bigfoot, so that’s a good start.

Stephen: Did you seriously bring a book for our romantic getaway?
Vicki: I’m looking up sex positions in Abigail’s book on physiology.

Stephen: If any of them are the positions she and I engaged it, I hope you’re ready to change a lot of diapers.

Vicki: You need to lose the “Rear Window” look if you’re gonna blend in here.
Stephen: But this is, like, my look.
Vicki: Well maybe I don’t wanna fuck Johnny Depp!

Vicki: I can hear him laughing. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I would say bad.

Vicki: Let’s try all the positions where I don’t have to look at his face.

Vicki: …ohhhhhhkay.

Stephen: Am I a real islander now? …mom?
Vicki: Mom?
Stephen: MON! I meant to say mon!
Vicki: So you meant to be racist instead of incestual?

Vicki: It’s sweet how dumb you are.

Stephen: Abigail used to say that to me all the time. Minus the first part.

Stephen: So just “How dumb you are.” As its own sentence.
Vicki: I got it. But geeeez.

Stephen: Yeah. She wasn’t wrong, though.

Vicki: This place is super photogenic.
Stephen: Yeah, I should do all my porn photography here.

Vicki: If we go swimming we can try out some of her low-gravity positions.

Vicki: You can’t keep doing this, or you’re gonna get laughed at.

Stephen: I’m trying to make you love me for who I am on the inside!
Vicki: So you’re saying you did this to yourself on purpose.
Stephen: Would you believe…
Vicki: No.

Vicki: I don’t believe things anymore.

Stephen: That’s probably a good policy.

Vicki: ♪ Warm wind carried on the sea, he called to me ♪
Stephen: ♪ I SPIN YOU RIGHT ‘ROUND BABY RIGHT ‘ROUND ♪

Vicki: You’re a joke.
Stephen: A funny one, at least?
Vicki: No comment.

Vicki: ♪ Last night I dreamt of San Pedro ♪
Stephen: I don’t know who that is, but if he makes a move on you I’ll kick his ass.

Stephen: That guy’s hand is on fire.

And then she burrowed her nails into him.

Stephen: It only hurts where she’s stabbing me.

Vicki: ♪ When a girl loves a boy
Stephen: and a boy loves to have sex with her ♪

Vicki: That’s a much more interesting song.

Vicki: I mean, it’s not hard to improve on Madonna.

Stephen: So about that sex with you.

Vicki: Why not, my vagina’s not doing anything else special right now.

Vicki: Pathetic fallacy!
Stephen: If you’re insulting my dick I might need it explained.

Vicki: So is all of this sea-foam, or…
Stephen: Baby, when I make my contribution, you will feel it.

Vicki: SHIIIIIIIT. I did.

Stephen: Even the ocean took a few seconds off to marvel at it.

Stephen: Please don’t have like eight babies now.

Vicki: One baby?
Stephen: As long as it’s not ugly or dumb.

Stephen: We just had a threesome with the Pacific.
Vicki: It was the size of the boat and the motion of the ocean!

Stephen: I don’t get it.

Stephen: But I had sex and made out, so who cares really.

Vicki: ♪ You’re not the one for me ♪

Stephen: I wonder if you can put up unborn babies for pre-adoption.

I can’t wait to see how generic your offspring are.

Stephen: Telekinetic high-five!
Vicki: Manual affirmation for the germ-conscious set!

Vicki: Why didn’t I say “germaphobic”?

Because that’s not a fucking word.

Vicki: Are you sure?

As someone who is chronically mysophobic yes, I’m fucking sure.

Stephen: God’s a germaphobe.
Vicki: What’s so scary about Germans?

Stephen: Well. I mean. The World Wars. And stuff.

Stephen: The Holocaust.
Vicki: You’re using Don’s face to represent the Holocaust?
Stephen: Genocide. Genocide never changes.

Hey, my country got charged with a second count of genocide the other day.

Vicki: Not now.

Yep! Our government systematically ignored the structural conditions leading to indigenous women suffering six to fourteen times the national average for violent death.

Vicki: This is the worst mood music ever.

Vicki: Even the taste of dick is better than the taste of genocide.

Vicki: It’s like I’m getting facefucked by a lawn.

Stephen: That one needs to go in the notable quotes list.

Definitely.

The one about the taste of genocide, too.

Stephen: Yeah, that one was also good.

Vicki: I’ve got the strangest feeling right now.
Stephen: Me too, but don’t stop.

Vicki: No, I mean, like something fucking creepy is happening.

Vicki: Oh well. What I can’t see can’t scar me.

And what you can see can.

CRACK

Vicki: Oh…

SNAP

Stephen: Mmm…

SKRCK

So what did Abigail call this position?

Vicki: Body to Body Horror.

CRUNCH

Is this how you reproduce?

Vicki: Funny you should ask.

Vicki: Oh yeah baby, bite my coconuts.

Blech.

Double blech.

No, no.

The angle’s all wrong.

And actually look at what his hands are doing, CUT

Vicki: I had really high hopes for that one.
Stephen: Well I kinda thought we’d fill the tub before fucking in it.

Stephen: …hello?

Vicki: Don’t you judge me and my horse-sleep.

Stephen: Let me see if there’s peanut butter in your mouth.

I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Ed.

Stephen: It’s spelled MISTER Ed, you PLEB.

I know, but when I typed it that way, I suddenly realized-

Stephen: YOU SUDDENLY REALIZED THERE’S NO CORRECT FULL-LENGTH SPELLING OF “MRS” OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK

RIGHT?!

Stephen: Kissed a lady! Losers.

Stephen: Let’s see if anyone’s buried anything interesting in the past few decades.

Charles: If your hair wasn’t there I could scope out your cleavage.

I can’t quite tell behind the water, but I think Stephen’s head just exploded.

Vicki: He had a good run.

Vicki: Planted his wild oats, that sort of thing.

Jasmyn: Are you one of those ignoble savages I’ve heard tell about?

Stephen: I feel like we’re working at cross implements here.

WAIT DON’T

Vicki: Dammit FUCK

Now you’ve gotta go through the motions.

Vicki: FUCK FUCK FUCK

Vicki: I hate uninterruptible actions.

Vicki: YEAH I KNOW THE TV’S ON

Vicki: EXCUSE ME WHILE I SLEEP FOR FIVE MINUTES THEN HAVE TO GET UP AND TURN IT OFF

The best part is, if I left her to her own devices, she’d get up, complain, and go right back to bed without fixing the problem.

Do you need another sister? Because I think there’s another sister outside.

Vicki: Two identical faces would really throw off the aesthetic balance of the room.

Vicki: Don’t you know anything about Feng Shui?

Vicki: Good! Awesome. The nightmares aren’t location-specific.

Vicki: I wonder how Andrew’s doing.
Andrew: CAN’T YOU TELL BY LOOKING AT ME

Vicki: What are you doing.

I don’t know.

Stephen: I don’t want to tell you your business, buddy, but you’re a fucking idiot.

Stephen: At least you’ll be dead soon.

Vicki: Maybe it’s just that my life has to flash past my eyes over the course of the rest of my life, because I’ve done so many noteworthy things.

Jasmyn: OH THE APPROPRIATION

Have you been taking any medication? Because I think this hotel is on a septic bed, and I’ve learned from spam commenters that some septic beds shouldn’t get seeded with medication.

The Legend Continues.

Stephen: Kiss me, I’m stinky.

Charles: Why haven’t you remedied the cleavage situation?

Stephen: So I take it you don’t care for my natural musk.

Vicki: OH WHAT THE FUCK

Vicki: WHO WANTS TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE BEING HAPPY

Vicki: Nice.

Vicki: Baby?
Stephen: Abandonment?

Vicki: I think we should consider commiting to this place permanently.
Stephen: I think you should know how men react to that word in any context.

Stephen: I think we should consider committing to trying all of the positions in Abby’s book.

Stephen: Good talk.

Vicki: I hope William and I can still be friends. Are you still friends with Abigail?
Stephen: Yeah, we fuck a bunch.
Vicki: Awesome! I’ll shoot for that relationship model.

Stephen: You know what I could really go for right now? A milkshake.
Vicki: …with chili.
Stephen: Yeah!
Vicki: Maybe I’m just having sympathy pains, and you’re the one who’s pregnant.

Vicki: Have you had your period yet?

Stephen: Creative speech-ballooning there, my man!

I do what I can.

Stephen: Brr. Sure would hate to get stuck in one of these.

All the generic bitches love generic chumps.

Stephen: Generic chumps reciprocate!

That’s vulgar.

Vicki: I feel like this place is stacked against me.

The default templates are definitely not kind to the menfolk in my game. Or anyone’s game.

Vicki: Lassitude! Rocks.

I feel like we’re starting to repeat ourselves.

Stephen: We started before the chapters hit double digits, dude.

Hot ladies, walls down… yep, we’re definitely regressing to our origins.

Time to make some superficial changes!

I’ve just watched the first episode of the second season of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

I don’t think you’re supposed to italicize TV shows, but I mean… the show itself does it, so it’s okay.

Stephen: Right, so you’ve obviously run out of shit to say.

I think it’s pretty damn impressive I can still make new jokes after ALMOST FOUR HUNDRED CHAPTERS.

Stephen: You have a pretty loose definition of “new.” And maybe also “jokes.”

♪ Big black horse, and a cherry tree ♪

Vicki: This is what I want. This is what I want.

♪ I can’t quite get there ‘cuz my heart’s forsaken me ♪

This chapter depicts gameplay from 16 June 2012.

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