The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 370

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which an escape is planned.

Half this fucking town is a something-Murphy.

Why isn’t he the mayor?

Stephen: Because I don’t like dealing with garbage.

Stephen: Except when I do.

Vicki: FUCK MAYORS

Meanwhile this is happening.

Since the can is up now I guess that was a blatant misuse of “meanwhile.”

Which is pretty much the only use it gets nowadays.

Stephen: Hi! Why.

Stephen: Actually why not.

Yusun Kearney: That’s what I always say! To my detriment.

Yusun: Nice kitty.

Yusun: NAUGHTY KITTY

Yusun: OHHH IT’S IN MY PORES

Stephen: You can use my shower if you’re an adult.
Yusun: Why do I have to be an adult to use your shower?
Stephen: So I can take pictures of you doing it. Nothing’s free, girl.

Yusun: I’m old enough to auto-erotically asphyxiate myself.

Stephen: David Carradine was pretty old.

Not old enough 🙁

Unlike most of the townie teens, who are like a hundred, Yusun is only like twenty.

Stephen: She’d be pretty boring without Ember’s skintone, too.

But she does have Ember’s skintone.

Stephen: And thus.

Yusun: Is this photography for personal or commercial purposes?
Stephen: Depends how it turns out. But probably the former.

Yusun: So you’re a pervert.
Stephen: Yep yep.

Stephen: A talented pervert, though.

Stephen: With sophisticated equipment. And a camera.

That’s not tacky at all.

Stephen: No. Don’t touch the equipment.

Stephen: Making dumb faces won’t help.

Stephen: No! I’ve already got too many wives.

Yusun: I could be your girlfriend!
Stephen: You could go away!
Yusun: I could be your muse!
Stephen: You could go away!

Yusun: I could go away!

Fiona: …
Felix: …

Stephen: Twenty years old and she hasn’t learned how not to be a goddamned pig.

Stephen: Some people have no sense of class.

Felix: It’s okay, sis. We don’t have object permanence.
Fiona: This would be a terrible time for it to set in.

Sometimes I just can’t with these people.

Margaret: And sometimes us people just won’t.

Brooke: Did you hear me?
Margaret: I don’t hear townies anymore. I’ve been gentrified.

Stephen: Welcome to our dump.

Brooke: HAND MAGNETS
Stephen: WHAT NO
Margaret: Just let it happen.

Stephen: …nah.

Stephen: Nice kitty!

Vicki: MEAN VICKI

Stephen: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. About that.

Vicki: …fancy meeting you here?
Stephen: You are meeting me, and you are fancy.

Vicki: I’m really sorry about the garbage.
Stephen: I’m over here?
Vicki: I’m apologizing to the Maker.

Yeah, it’s alright, I guess. But stop it.

Vicki: I just don’t know what came over me, I saw you snogging the mayor and it really bothered me for some reason.
Stephen: Are we romantically involved or something?
Vicki: God I don’t know. I’m some fucked up in the head, my man.

Well I can’t find any romantic interactions between them.

I did find this.

HOW DID NOBODY NOTICE.

William: Well I mean my middle name is Stephen…

WELL I MEAN YOU’RE NOT REALLY HERE SHUT UP

Vicki: I just feel so… bad… about…?
Stephen: Yeah?
Vicki: …huh? What?

Vicki: Why you naked?

Vicki: Is this a suburban nudist camp?

Vicki: Can I camp here.

Stephen: You ever have a portrait done?

Uh.

Thanks, past Grugly?

I don’t think I was ever in danger of forgetting those.

Lainey: SO UNFORGETTABLE

Stephen: Wanna come be my etchings?

Vicki: What even are etchings?
Stephen: I think they were made up for that pickup line.

Vicki: Who’s that?
Stephen: Probably nobody.
Lainey: Yeah, probably.

Stephen: You still seem kinda mad.
Vicki: I’m not mad, I’m crazy.
Stephen: Like a fox?
Vicki: Like an axe murderer.

Stephen: Like an axe me murder me-er?
Vicki: If you keep that shit up, yeah! Probably.

Margaret: I hate him.

I named it after a bunch of places in Canada.

Scarborough. Peterborough.

And the French term for downtown, “centre ville.”

So I guess it means “downtown district.”

…

So I guess it’s a perfect name.

Vicki: Whole lotta perfect goin’ on.

Vicki: I picked up a book of your sketches at the library.
Stephen: I thought they only carried those at the adult bookstore!

Vicki: So you do nudie pics.
Stephen: Mostly.
Vicki: And your hedge is protruding through your wall.
Stephen: Partially.

Stephen: Am I seeing double, or are you two hot?!

Yeah, I know.

But once I thought of it, it had to go in.

Vicki: Porn me like one of your porn girls.

Vicki: Hahaha that smart woman’s dumb.

Vicki: Did you hear her kids keep dying?

Vicki: So dead! So often.

Vicki: …well how was I supposed to know that.

Stephen: AGRESSIVE POSTURE ADJUSTMENT

Stephen: Man, that Maxis Match skintone.

I know.

Right.

Stephen: A lot of these pics are HD!

Yep.

Stephen: How come?

It’s definitely not because you’re in them.

Vicki: Wait, did you take high-res pics because I’m naked?

Don’t go visiting my intentions.

Vicki: The Maker approves of your choice of models.

The Maker chooses his choice of models.

Stephen: Oh god, what did I do.
Vicki: You do prop pics, right? This one’s pretty, and I hestitate to use the word, iconic.

Stephen: Are you sure you’re okay with that? I know the whole axe murderer thing wasn’t actually your fault.
Vicki: If you can’t laugh at your murderous rampages, what can you laugh at.

Stephen: We can find something less… controversial for you to hold, if you want.
Vicki: Keep it in your pants.

Vicki: For now, at least.

Vicki: Okay, I’m ready.
Stephen: What’s with the baseball?
Vicki: I like baseball!
Stephen: That’s your second defining character trait?
Vicki: When axe murder is your first, you don’t really need much of a second.

Stephen: Keep reminding me of the axe murder thing, it’s really setting me at ease.

Vicki: Suffer for your art, potential victim!

Vicki: Let me know if we get to “gonna call the cops” level of awkward, though.

Vicki: You done shooting?
Stephen: Unless you start throwing, yeah.

Vicki: Do you actually have a gun?
Stephen: Yeah, they hand those out for free at art school.

Stephen: No I don’t have a gun.

Stephen: So, do you like it? The whole “riddle of the sphinx” thing you’ve got going on is doing a number on my head.

Vicki: It’s pretty good! Can I get a copy?
Stephen: Sure you can! Sponsor an art gallery and it’s all yours.

Stephen: Fuck off, whoever you are.

Joshua: SHE KILLED ME
Stephen: Uh-huh.
Joshua: PUSHED ME INTO A POOL
Stephen: Uh-huh.
Joshua: YOUR FAMILY’S IN DANGER
Stephen: Can you call back when literally any of my blood is in the vicinity of my brain?

Vicki: You’re quite the artist, Stephen.
Stephen: That’s nice of you to say.
Vicki: It is nice of me to say.

Vicki: It’s also nice of me to mean.

Vicki: And I can be so mean.

-shrug-

I’m sure I was really excited at the time.

Stephen: Getting pretty excited myself, won’t lie.

Vicki: Have this murder plant.

Vicki: To remember me by.

Vicki: What? Too on-the-nose?

Stephen: You’re so much more than just a murderer, Vicki!
Vicki: I’m not actually a murderer at all, so, yeah.

Stephen: You seem like you’re trying to reinvent yourself.
Vicki: Well can you blame me? Considering the last time I was invented it was ENTROPY doing the inventing?

Stephen: OH GOSH YOU’RE STILL NAKED

Stephen: I’ve been doing a whole series of these. Tons of ’em.
Vicki: Sounds like a passion project.
Stephen: It’s boring and I hate it.

Stephen: Do you like piña coladas?

Vicki: I don’t think that’s a good metaphor for what’s happening here.
Stephen: Maybe we can do a sequel to the song, where it ends realistically.

Vicki: Maybe we can just fuck.

Vicki: Oops, my feelings are showing.

Vicki: I’m tired of being a local celebrity.
Stephen: I’m not, but I am tired of not having a plotline.

Stephen: Aren’t you supposed to be marrying William?
Vicki: I did marry William.
Stephen: So why are you still wearing your engagement ring?
Vicki: Call it the commitment version of a mood ring.

♪ I didn’t think about my lady, I know that sounds kinda mean ♪

“kinda”

♪ But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine ♪

Stephen: There’s an old lady staring at us.

Vicki: Let’s give her something to stare about.

Vicki: How about lust?

Stephen: I saw the heart. How about love.
Vicki: Again, too on-the-nose.

Stephen: You ever been to Twikkii Island?
Vicki: I’ve never been anywhere. Oh! That’s not true! I’ve been dead.

Stephen: Yeah, me too.

Stephen: Twikkii Island’s nicer.

Vicki: You asking me on a vacation?
Stephen: Maybe. While the vacatin’s good.

Vicki: It might be good for you to leave the country, since you’re making out with William Sharpe’s wife in a glass box in the state capital.

Stephen: Hahaha yeah I’m pretty dead.

Stephen: Speaking of dead, did you hear? Fucking hilarious.

Stephen: Oh, what. If you can’t laugh at war criminals who can you laugh at.

Stephen: Present company excepted, of course.
Vicki: Hey, I was dead for the war.

Stephen: Yeah… me too.

Stephen: I’m glad we came back.

Neil: Hey, honey.

Stephen: What’s wrong?
Vicki: Everything. Me.

Stephen: Maybe everything, but definitely not you.

Vicki: You really know how to help a girl overcome her mind control issues.

Stephen: So those mind-controlling axes still fucking you up a bit, eh?
Vicki: Occasionally.
Stephen: What are the odds they’ll get me murdered?
Vicki: Zero! They might get anybody who messes with you murdered, though.

Stephen: I probably don’t want that either.
Vicki: You’re a better man than Neil.
Stephen: Oh yeah, definitely.

Stephen: ♪ If you’re not into yoga ♪
Vicki: Aww, stop it.
Stephen: ♪ If you have half a brain ♪
Vicki: Seriously stop it, it’s the least romantic song ever written.

Vicki: We’re still totally doing this, though.

Stephen: Wow do you have muscles.
Vicki: Yeah, well. Axes.

Vicki: Thanks for bringing it up again.

Vicki: Was the siding supposed to be reminiscent of the trailer where I did most of my murdering?
Stephen: Uh… well… yeah.
Vicki: It was blue, you know.
Stephen: Well I didn’t want to trigger you. In any sense of the word.

Vicki: You’re such a considerate adulterer.

Ugh, those feet.

It takes me like five more years to fix those feet.

Vicki: Ooh, we get new feet? That’s like getting new shoes times ten!

Stephen: Alright, so.
Vicki: Yep.
Stephen: We gonna…?
Vicki: Yep.

Stephen: Sweeeet.

Stephen: My pants were about to evict me.

Vicki: Maybe we should put some curtains up?
Stephen: I’m hoping to give Crumplebottom a heart attack, honestly.

Vicki: A noble quest.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: I don’t have a heart.

That dragon is freaking out.

Vicki: One… sympathizes…

BEHIND THE SCENES!

I don’t know what’s happening.

Stephen: Whatever it is, it’s working!

Stephen: I mean, it’s working for me…

Vicki: Don’t mind me. I’m just adjusting to normal penis size.
Stephen: Fucking William.
Vicki: Way too much, yes.

Stephen: Once you go Sharpe, you never…
Vicki: Uh…
Stephen: Uh…
Vicki: Hmm…
Stephen: Something about a tarp, maybe?

Stephen: …jew’s harp?

Vicki: Carp.

Stephen: You’re making me nervous.
Vicki: It just fits so well in my hand. You know?
Stephen: Well don’t let it slip.

Vicki: Even when I was crazy I only killed people who were threatening my family.
Stephen: That so? ‘cuz I’m definitely threatening your family right now, via your marriage.

Stephen: Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that.

Vicki: Nah, it’s all good. We’re doing exposure response prevention therapy for my axe-murdering.

Vicki: Ohhhhh… so. You… getting any… urges? From that thing? You wanna… mmm… throw it into anyone’s forehead? Or anything?
Stephen: I WANT TO THROW A BABY INTO YOUR UTERUS