The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 369

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which figures a precipice.

I like that I took a post-aging family pic. It’s almost like I realized I’d want to split this into two chapters to avoid posting two hundred annotated pics of the Whittakers all at once.

Veronica: You a clever ‘un.

Alvin: Was that even Simlish.

Veronica: Hi, tech support? My phone cradle is hovering off the wall.

Meanwhile Michael is elected Mayor of Sharpesvale.

Also Sharpesvale has a mayor now.

Veronica: I don’t know who that chick is.

Richard: So you let your kid date a forty-year-old?

Stewart: I’m not… wait… am I?!

Stewart: I think I am!
Veronica: Let me show you something that will make you feel… young, as when the world was new!

Veronica: My underwear.

Stewart: I was young when the world was whoah.

Richard: Sorry man, gotta jet. My ‘stutes need me.

Michael: I’m very proud of you, son.

Jewel: Man, you beat the pants and the bra off me!

Vanessa: And I’m still just gay enough to appreciate it.

Stewart: It’s still a bit off-putting how tiny you are.
Veronica: I can either be eighteen here and be tiny or be eighteen at university and be not tiny but also not here.

Stewart: I like the way you ‘splain stuff.

Michael: I’ve never had to beat the shit out of someone before. Should I bring disinfectant? In case some of it gets on me?

Stewart: Okay, I know what you’re thinking, and honestly, it’s precisely what it looks like.

Michael: Did you vote for me?
Stewart: I don’t think I’ve ever voted for anyone.

Michael: Then you didn’t vote against me.

Stewart: If I’d known hugging was in your platform I would’ve.

No.

Veronica: What?

You’re high B-list now. You can do better.

Veronica: The omniscient sky goblin says I can do better.
Stewart: What would he know.

Michael: I only regret that I have but one daughter to give for my constituents.

Veronica: I’m being given!

Vanessa: What.

Veronica: Let’s go where there’s less Gen 2 going on.
Stewart: I’m Gen 2.
Veronica: Gross, keep it to yourself.

Veronica: So this is our private helipad.
Stewart: Private access, maybe.
Veronica: Well yeah, I mean, they’re gonna be kinda visible no matter where you put ’em.

Veronica: I keep expecting the chopper to go nuts and kill me.

You’ve been watching too much ER.

Veronica: See how poised I am?

Yeah, right on the brink.

Jewel: If you’re snogging up there I’mma push you off.

Stewart: You can push me off any d-
Jewel: NO NEVER

Theresa: I think that’s a mimic.

I think that’s a mama.

Theresa: Shut up.

Theresa: ♪ Gonna brush that man right outta my teeth ♪

What?

Theresa: What?

whump whump whump

Marissa: They sure have strange banks in SimNation.

I dunno, somehow she looks like she’s an ancient crone wearing a young person’s face.

Just me?

Veronica: Whole lotta old goin’ on ’round here.

Stewart: I love the way you mistreat me.

Veronica: That’s stupid.

Stewart: Yeah.

Veronica: …what am I doing? Up on the helipad at night in my underwear.

I dunno, raising my ratings?

Stewart: Something else also rises.

Veronica: Neat. What’s that like?
Stewart: Inconvenient, mostly.

Veronica: Just like men in general!

Veronica: Stupid men.

And generals!

Stewart: Are you following me?
Veronica: Not unless you’re heading for our money bag, in which case STOP THIEF

Veronica: Man! I do not intend to share this with anybody.

Veronica: Rich people problems! We actually don’t have any.

Theresa: We should beat them up and take their valuables.

Yes.

Vanessa: mf… ‘re you really… you really dead Ceci…

Cecilia: What do you think?

Michael: Can’t sleep?
Vanessa: EVER AGAIN

Veronica: Man, I hope I never go through plot development.

Veronica: Spend the rest of my life readin’ papers and lookin’ butts.

Lookin’ at butts?

Veronica: Didn’t fit the rhythm.

Vanessa: Oh! I guess privacy is dead.
Michael: Your brother’s police state must have killed it.

Jewel: Did I just start a fight? I hope I just started a fight.

Michael: Nah, I’ve got a raging-hard boner for her brother’s police state.

Michael: And also all the hot women in my house.

Michael: That part’s much more likely to start a fight, honestly.

Michael: Can you take this to the curb for me?
Jewel: Is it valuable?
Michael: It’s dangerous and you should throw it out.
Jewel: But is it valuable.

Michael: Can you do this one single solitary thing for me?
Jewel: Sure, as far as you know.

Vanessa: Why are we keeping her here?
Michael: Ambience.

Jewel: Hi! Who’s this?
The Grim Reaper: ARE YOU SERIOUS.
Jewel: Michael told me to throw this out but I don’t know why.
The Grim Reaper: IT MAY CAUSE UNINTENDED APOCALYPSES, FOR ONE THING.

Veronica: Wipe that shit off your face, it’s too early.

Jewel: Hello! Are you an apocalypse?

Joshua: If I am, I’m apocerrifico!
Jewel: What?
Joshua: I don’t know, run with it.

Joshua: Jump with it!

Joshua: regret with it

Jewel: NOBODY TOLD ME PLACEMENT WAS IMPORTANT

Jewel: I’m sure it’s fine.

Yeah, definitely.

Joshua: Ohhhh that message is gonna be super mad with you.

Joshua: I’m all for cameo appearances, but I don’t know if it was worth breaking my fucking legs.

The Grim Reaper: ALSO YOUR SPINE.

The Grim Reaper: ALSO YOUR BRAIN.

The Grim Reaper: ALSO A LOT OF THE FIDDLY BITS.

The Grim Reaper: ALSO YOUR VESTIGIAL TAILBONE, BUT I MEAN, WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THOSE.

Jewel: Alright pasty, I’m good to go! Make with the shell game!
The Grim Reaper: PASTY.

Jewel: I like him! Please save him! Blah blah blah!
Michael: SO MOVING

Michael: You kids have fun.

Theresa: You’re gonna wanna stay out of this, kiddo. God’s in a murderin’ mood.

The Grim Reaper: ONE HAND HAS HIS SOUL IN IT. THE OTHER HAS A BUG.
Jewel: What happens if I get the bug?
The Grim Reaper: YOU HAVE TO EAT THE BUG!
Jewel: That’s awful!
The Grim Reaper: ALSO HE DIES.

Jewel: I’ll take the hand that isn’t chittering.

The Grim Reaper: THAT’S WHAT I GET FOR USING DEATHWATCH BEETLES. THEY’RE JUST SO ON BRAND.

SCRUNCHUNCHUNCH

The Grim Reaper: OKAY, SO, I’VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.

Jewel: Give me the bad news first!
The Grim Reaper: YOU GAVE YOURSELF THE BAD NEWS.

Jewel: I beat death!
The Grim Reaper: NO, YOU BEAT DEATH. CAPITALIZED. I MEAN I KNOW ALL MY DIALOGUE IS CAPITALIZED, BUT I MEAN… DEATH, THE PROPER NOUN.

The Grim Reaper: LOWER-CASE DEATH BEAT YOU.

The Grim Reaper: I HOPE THAT WASN’T TOO CONFUSING FOR YOU, WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR ME TO EXPLAIN IT AGAIN.

Jewel: Hey man, you tried.

Joshua: YES! I beat death!
The Grim Reaper: WERE YOU NOT LISTENING JUST NOW?

Jewel: It’s okay. I know he’ll do the same for me. Wait. Do I know that.

Joshua: Yeaaaaah, I’ve sort of made it my mission in life not to talk to eldritch abominations.

The Grim Reaper: SO YOUR FRIEND’S GONNA DIE BECAUSE YOU’RE RACIST?
Joshua: I like to think of it more as her dying because she made a serious of poor strategic decisions.

Joshua: Gonna miss you, babe! Briefly.

Joshua: Man, being born shallow is like winning the personality lottery.

Joshua: Well look who it is! Literally any woman.

Theresa: You available?
Joshua: Yeah, my date cancelled.

Joshua: Anyone in there hotter than you?
Theresa: I have a machine gun.
Joshua: You know what? I don’t know why I asked that, definitely not important.

Joshua: Please don’t kill me.
Theresa: Nobody would know.
Joshua: Please don’t kill me.

Theresa: BANG! Haha.
Joshua: Haha…
Theresa: Gonna STAB YOU WITH MY SPY SWORD! Hahaha.
Joshua: …ha…

Theresa: Seriously though dude this was some fucked-up.

Just the way I like it.

Next time: a million vacations.

Give or take.

OH FUCK THAT’S A MAX WEBSTER SONG

I HATE THEM SO MUCH

This chapter depicts gameplay from 15 June 2012.

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