The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 366

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which weight does and does not play a factor.


More like the Mayorett Family!

It sounds better out loud.

Unfortunately, however you say it it’s still just Dagmar.

Dagmar: Thanks man.

Fortune Sims!

Why.

Dagmar: The pursuit of money is what pushes human society forward!

I agree!

Of course, human society is facing a cliff…

Dagmar: You made me rich, and you’re giving me shit for being rich?

That’s why I made you rich.

Dagmar: Pollice verso!

Dagmar: FINISH HIM

Your neighbours must love you.

Dagmar: PRIVILEGE HAS SOME DRAWBACKS

I don’t know how I managed to get my camera inside the tail light, but I’m not surprised that I did.

I made this.

Alright, we all chipped in and got you a car. Don’t summon the noise dragon anymore.

Brandi: I didn’t chip in. I don’t pay taxes.

People aren’t supposed to know you’re a villain yet.

Brandi: Maybe I’m not a villain. Maybe I’m just rich?

Did you just say the same thing twice?

Dagmar: So anyway I’m home again somehow.

Dagmar: I think nature heard my car was waxed.

Stephen: Shiteating grin engaged!

Stephen: Your clock is broken.
Dagmar: What?
Stephen: The hour hand doesn’t move until the hour actually turns over.
Dagmar: …I think you mean my clock is awesome.

Fuuuck, that is some long-term spaghetti.

Dagmar: I bought a table for you to rub me on.

Stephen: Makes as much sense as anything else.

Stephen: Can you breathe in there?
Dagmar: We don’t actually need to breathe.
Stephen: Can you plausibly, for the sake of the narrative, breathe in there?

Stephen: I guess she died.

Dagmar: At least I died relaxed.

Stephen: Silly me! I relieved your bodily tension but forgot about your sexual tension.

Dagmar: I dunno if I’m feeling up to it tonight.
Stephen: Money.
Dagmar: Mmm. Nope.
Stephen: A big burlap sack of money.

Dagmar: TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE MONEY

Not a huge fan of pairing Sims with the same skintone.

It’s a little too American South for my tastes.

Stephen: You just makin’ enemies in general today?

They voted overwhelmingly for a man who can’t say “origins.” They deserve what they get.

Dagmar: Gee outta hee you gol’ brick

Stephen: I don’t know what just happened.

Dagmar: OH MY GOD WHY

Dagmar: IT’S NOT AN ORNAMENTAL CAR

Bailey: It’s not that loud.
Dagmar: WHAT?
Bailey: IT’S NOT THAT LOUD
Dagmar: WHAT?

Lots of scenery shots today.

Lots left to come.

New prison receptionist! Her name is Lorilee Tail and she’s a Romance Sim and her name is Lorilee what.

It’s nice to see Myrtle one last time.

Without her face all shredded up.

Meh who cares really.

Don’t go getting yourself killed.

Lorilee: Not an Electro Dance Sphere kind of gal.

You look like an Emma Stone pretending to be Hawaiian kind of gal.

Gina: TELL ME WHAT AFFECTION IS LIKE

Bernard: It’s pretty great.
Nanette: This isn’t affection, this is affectation.

Yvonne: So you banged my sister.
Don: Guilty! Haha get it.

This prison is impregnable because everyone is already pregnating.

Ally: This prison is a shitshow.

Ally: I give up. Let’s fuck like everybody else.

Faith: Do you think my criminal record will make it hard to get into university?

Cameron: …didn’t you get life?

Don: Ever seen an old man with wheels for legs? Women can’t look, and children can’t look away.

Don: Ever seen two vaginas?

Yvonne: Ever seen an albino penis with a stretched-out floppy blue head?

Neil: Ever seen a Sharpe penis, baby?
Ally: No, but they sound dangerous.

Neil: They are.

Yvonne: Wait. You thought the police chief was hot?
Don: Yeah!
Yvonne: She was trying too hard, I thought.
Don: My favourite kind!

Bernard: I’m just saying the world is a safer place with you in prison!
Cameron: And I’m just saying maybe if we’d eaten all your brains you’d be less worried all the time!

Cameron: Mmm, I demand to see the manager.

Meanwhile I don’t know.

Aww, visiting the boyfriend at his work.

Lorilee: What do you want?
Laci: I want to see the governor.
Lorilee: He’d be at City Hall.
Laci: I mean the prison governor.
Lorilee: We have one of those?

Don: You think ENTROPY was trying to spring us with that bomb?
Yvonne: I think ENTROPY was trying to bomb with that bomb.

Laci: Oh Neil, the light from the walls being down reflecting off your bald pate is blinding.

Neil: You came to see me!
Laci: I came to come you.

Laci: Hahaha what

Laci: Oh.

Ally: IT’S BEEN LESS THAN AN HOUR

Neil: I got slapped for an hour-long relationship?!

Ally: Maybe this was all just a plot to slap you.

Ally: You can still slap-slap-slap me anytime.

Neil: What.

Laci: Even the guards and prisoners want you! Congrats!
Neil: I don’t know how many problems I got, but bitches is a few of them!

Faith: Waaaait… isn’t that C-C-C…

C-C-C?

Faith: C-C-Cecilia’s mom?

Why can’t you say Cecilia?

Faith: Because she KILLED ME!

So what? She’s gone now!

Faith: But IS SHE? Or is she MISSING and she could be ANYWHERE and it’s like OH GOOD SCHRÖDINGER’S SERIAL KILLER MIGHT BE IN TOWN

Neil: She just called our daughter a serial killer.
Laci: Yes! Our daughter would be so proud.

Faith: I’VE ALWAYS LIKED YOU AND YOUR FAMILY

Elle: *mimes*

Neil: You seem to know your way around this place pretty good.
Laci: Don’t think too deeply on it.

Don: CRUEL AND UNUSUAL

Laci: You’ve got a pretty nice place here.
Neil: So naturally I’m expected never to be in it.

Faith: Something fishy’s going on.
Elle: I like fishies!
Faith:

Faith: If ENTROPY still exists, Laci’s probably one of their heavy-hitters.
Elle: Are you using me as an exposition sink? ‘cuz I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Laci: No sappy shit. Take your pants off.

Laci: …so…
Neil: SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE DID

Don: This is a really unusual way to be tied to a chair.

Nerissa: NOT WHERE THE FOOD GOES

Laci: You just let your employees walk in on you?
Neil: I have trouble projecting authority in the nude. Just hotness.

Neil: Let the door hit you on your sweet ass on the way out.

Ally: That bitch, disrupting my unequal-power inappropriate workplace relationship.

Ally: Now play games with me.

Neil: Could you at least pretend to be happy?
Laci: Maybe do me better?

Neil: I’m afraid if I bang my knees on the table, I won’t have knees anymore.

Laci: Well if you don’t bang Laci on the table, you won’t have Laci anymore.

Bambi: I’m writing a book about how TV is better than books.

Pretty toasty flames you got there.

Nerissa: From my thought bubble to the WORLD.

Neil: Did you just get influence from banging me?
Laci: You’ve never heard of networking?

Neil: I haven’t. Please don’t explain.

It’s basically this.

Neil: You’re basically gorgeous.
Laci: Nothing basic about it, bitch!

Yvonne: While the cat’s away…
Elle: NOBODY EATS THE CAT FOOD

Yvonne: I can’t tell if you’re fucking with me or just stupid.

Don: I could really do with not doin’ here anymore.
Nerissa: You never know.
Don: What?
Nerissa: What?

Bernard: What?
Faith: WHAT?

Don: What?

Cameron: This is the worst fifth wheelship I’ve ever helmed!

Yvonne: OW OW OW

Cameron: Man, what is it with you and calamities?

Don: Wanna be my Jane?

Bill: I’m in my PJs!
Neil: FIX IT.

Bill: You’re a shitty boss and we’re all shitty guards.

Bernard: I wish I could shitty quitty you.

Nanette: STOP chaining JOKES!

Bernard: IT’S A NEW THING WE’RE TRYING

Nerissa: It’s a LAZY thing you’re trying! And fuck now I’m doing it!

Who are you doing?

Laci: I’ve doing enough.

Neil: Beg to differ, plead to prove.

Yvonne: Anybody got a shank?

Bernard: Shank me first.

Nerissa: Shank me all night long, baby!

Renée: Maybe just once.

Lorilee: I don’t know why, but my self-preservation instinct is telling me to look at this ugly painting.

That wasn’t your self-preservation instinct, it was me.

I’m glad there was a reason you stole that cop car.

Other than preventing a cop from having it.

Which isn’t an altogether bad reason, actually.

Bill: Everybody mad at everybody yet? Boss.

Lorilee: …technically not my problem?

Renée: Off on a technicality!

So, uh…

Gwendolyn: What?

You see… uh… you see anything?

Gwendolyn: Yeah, the city’s not getting any closer, but I’m keepin’ an eye on it regardless.

I thought your self-preservation instinct told you not to bother?

Lorilee: Yeah but another instinct told me I should!

I wonder which one that was.

Rénee: ♪ Let me be, why don’tcha babe! ♪
Lorilee: Stop!
Rénee: ♪ Get out my life, why don’tcha babe! ♪

I think that first line was actually “set me free.”

Renée: That comes next.

Sasha: I need to bring a deck of cards up here or something.

Nanette: Anybody home? I need to do dishes in here specifically as a prelude to rifling through your shit.

Renée: You’ve never seen Revenge of the Sith, huh? Wish I could say the same.

Lorilee: What?
Renée: The high ground?
Lorilee: Huh?
Renée: Allow me to demonstrate.

Renée: “YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!” God I feel dirty now.

Lorilee: curse you self-destruction instinct

Lorilee: I DON’T BLAME YOU
Renée: I DON’T CARE

WHUMP SPLUT

Sasha: Was that a whale breaching or something? Do we even have whales?

SPLUSH

Elle: STRAIGHT to my thighs.

Faith: Shouldn’t you check out that noise?
Bill: Responding to that kind of request in fiction never works out well.

Renée: The towers weren’t a bad idea, but checkpoints would have been a good idea.

This is a ridiculous plan.

Renée: You should have seen Plan A. It involved that tower and a hang-glider.

Lorilee: why ground gotta be so hard

Lorilee: when neck so soft

…you’re not serious.

Renée: So I’ve been told.

Renée: But I am bold!

Renée: Fat don’t fail me now!

Yvonne: Did you hear that? It sounded like a car hitting a dough factory. Or maybe the other way ’round?

What’s up?

Faith: Somebody we don’t know just died!

So?

Cameron: So why couldn’t it be SOMEBODY WE KNOW?!

Cameron: I’ve got a list going and everything.

Renée: Man, who needs ribs anyway.

♪ I don’t really love you, but ♪

Renée: ♪ You just keep me hangin’ on! ♪

Renée: ♪ Ooh ooh ooh.

Renée: ♪ Why don’tcha get out of my life, and let me make a brand new start? ♪

Because this is your character and I’m not making you a new one.

Renée: ♪ Let me get over you, the way you’ve gotten over me! ♪

That’s not how religion works, dear.

Nanette: OUR GOD IS A CRUEL GOD

And proud of it!

Renée: BURRITOS

Renée: I REGRET THE BURRITOS

Don: Kinda lacking, as catchphrases go, but I like it.

Next time: more things Don will like, and a few he won’t.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 10 June 2012 to 11 June 2012.

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