Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
Alright! That’s enough of Chapter 364.
Myrtle: I have been dying for a WEEK
Lyndsey: I’m less cute now.
Nick: I’m cuter.
Ally: The extras floodgates have been released! We’re FREE!
Yeah, all these people have been here the whole time.
I wasn’t making them in TS3.
I didn’t want to spend any more time there than absolutely necessary.
What an excellent sense of occasion you have.
Lyndsey: Hormones don’t scare, bud.
Nathen: That was neat. Again! Again!
I like how literally everyone is getting the notification and literally no-one is doing anything about it.
It’s just like an emergency warning system.
Kelsey: Do NOT go in there. It smells like somebody died.
It smells like somebody else is trying to die.
Uma: You look like a regional manager at the Dude Depot.
Nerissa: DISRESPECT 😀
Kelsey: Well, I guess you get to stay with me. We’ve been through life, and death, and the worst video game ever created together.
Lyndsey: I ain’t acknowledgin’ no ghosts.
Lyndsey: Yeah, they’re in my hair. Forever.
Lyndsey: Just kidding I’m gorgeous clean.
Kelsey: Get your gorgeous ass in gear.
Luckily for her there’s only room for one diggin’ hole.
Lyndsey: Wanna come see our shovel hovel?
Lyndsey: What did you find?
-connects portable hard drive-
-opens large screenshots folder-
Lyndsey: Won’t be the only one around here if I don’t get some clothes on.
Lyndsey: I just saved you an erection!
Lyndsey: Wanna play with my balls?
Nick: You only have one ball.
Lyndsey: You wouldn’t have gotten the joke that way.
Nick: Ohhhhh, you thought you were being funny.
Nick: I know many people.
Lyndsey: Hey Kel, guess what? We know a guy what knows many people.
Kelsey: I know many guys what know many people.
Lyndsey: What do we need this guy for, then?
Nick: VISUAL METAPHOR
Lyndsey: Don’t blow your load for her, buddy. I’m the one what brung you.
Lyndsey: And I’m gonna be the one what hung you.
Kelsey: I will pay you real money to come here and disrupt these people.
Nick: Too late, I’ve already rupted.
Lyndsey: We’d better get you out of those pants, then.
Lyndsey: Or out of these doors.
Lyndsey: Why was there no segue.
Nick: Keep talking into my ear, it tickles.
Nick: This is a great neighbourhood.
Lyndsey: That’s a brothel directly behind you.
Nick: Which is what I was referring to?
Lyndsey: Why pay for it when you can get it for free?
Nick: To help disadvantaged people? Bitch.
Lyndsey: Let’s talk about your date vocabulary.
Nick: I heard girls like insults.
Lyndsey: And you heard this from-
Lyndsey: -guys, yeah, of course.
Lyndsey: Don’t make me kick you in the balls before you’ve had a chance to use them.
Uh-oh. I know that stance.
Lyndsey: The villain says “mwah.”
Lyndsey: Sorry, in the throes of passion I revert to my native tongue.
Nick: Gimme some more of that native tongue, baby.
Lyndsey: The bonobo says “Yes!”
Nick: Does it?
Lyndsey: When it agrees with something, sure!
Nick: You’re weird.
♪ JPEG METH-MOUTH ♪
To the tune of “Robot Roll Call” from Mystery Science Theatre [sic] 3000, if you’re wondering.
If you’re wondering what “sic” means, it’s Latin for “thus.” You use it to indicate an error isn’t yours, but part of the original source.
If you’re wondering if that means I consider American English to be an error, why are you wondering.
Nick: Her mouth does make me feel like I’m on meth!
Oh, right. Sorry. I forgot what the last pic’s joke was, because I soapboxed for way too long.
Man, I should be doing literally anything else right now.
Lyndsey: Hey, the date plumbbob’s in the shot! How come?
Because you noticed it was.
Nick: So fine.
Kelsey: I know his last name is Murphy, but how many things can possibly have gone wrong on the way here?
Kelsey: Any Leonards who can get moving will get moving.
Kelsey: Almost forgot! Nudity ain’t free.
Leonard: Sorry I’m late, I tried to use the same door as someone else and we shuffled back and forth for two hours.
Lyndsey: I grew up in an orphanage!
Nick: What a loser!
Leonard: Can you make fun of people for being in an orphanage?
It might be the final frontier of acceptable mockery.
Lyndsey: My brother Lance…
Lyndsey: …is not some green goth with sunglasses. What the fuck?
Lyndsey: Stick with me baby, I’m the fella you came in with.
Lyndsey: Or I’ll rip your ass off.
Leonard: Maybe we should swap? Or do we have to be married first.
Kelsey: Let’s swap spit.
Nah, we’re not there yet, I just wanted to make the joke.
Lyndsey: I have seen the future and it has many inches.
Lyndsey: How do you get your hair so fluffy?
Nick: I offend it every morning.
Leonard: Okay seriously are we with the right people right now.
Leonard: Then again, if we get it wrong the first time, we get to bang extra!
Kelsey: *soundless dismissal*
Kelsey: No, your sister is not here! My sister is here!
Leonard: Did he sound green? Or sunglassesy?
Kelsey: HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW LYNDSEY
Vicki: I DON’T KNOW
Leonard: What number was that fuckin’ pic?
Leonard: What number is this pic?
Kelsey: So a murderer stole me from my mom.
Leonard: A momderer, then?
Kelsey: No, she didn’t murder my mom.
Leonard: Not much of a murderer, then.
Kelsey: I think she’s had sex with everybody.
Leonard: Not me!
Kelsey: Well hey, then, try your luck! Statistically…
Kelsey: She even fucked the poo demon.
Leonard: Not the poo demon!
Kelsey: Right? And NOBODY liked the POO DEMON.
Kelsey: Don’t use me to fight your fights.
Lyndsey: Crotchslap contest, go!
Target identification: failed.
Leonard: Hey, this one is pretty good!
Kelsey: “This one.”
Leonard: Well I mean you were kidnapped, who knows what your real name is.
Kelsey: …THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO GIVE ME AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
Lyndsey: Keep giving me what you’re giving me!
Kelsey: HOW’S IT GOIN’ OVER THERE
Lyndsey: OHHHH IT’S GOIN’
Kelsey: OH! OH! NICK!
Kelsey: What? I’m just saying hi to Nick!
Nick: Awful neighbourly of you.
Nick: Ugh Kelsey…
Kelsey: GIVE IT TO ME NICK
Lyndsey: WORK IT, LEONARD!
Nick: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I THINK I’M LEONARD NOW
Leonard: I DON’T WANNA BE NICK
What a lovely picture.
Can’t really show it to anybody, though.
Except the internet.
Because the internet is a pervert.
Lyndsey: THE LYNDSEY SAYS “OH GOD YOU’RE FUCKING ME”
Kelsey: THE KELSEY SAYS SOMETHING SIMILAR
Leonard: I’m glad that townie died instead of me.
Nick: I’m just glad she died.
Alright this is getting weird, wrap it up.
Kelsey: Well done, my man!
Nick: Can I be your man next?
Nick: No offense!
Lyndsey: None fuckin’ taken!
WooHoo Headline 1: Hey man, good to see you again.
WooHoo Headline 2: You too, man.
WooHoo Headline 1: Wait, we’re both dudes?
WooHoo Headline 2: It’s too late to change the joke now!
Kelsey: Whew. Now I understand why people fuck in bed.
Nick: Well unfortunately since your beds are both single-
Lyndsey: Just like us!
Nick: -we won’t be joining you in them.
Kelsey: You guys could share the hole!
Nick: Never say that again.
Nick: Move those lips closer, dude! You’re almost in!
Leonard: I am in. Those lips.
Nick: Which one you like better?
Lyndsey: Fuck you! Any time.
Kelsey: I’m glad we could share whatever this was.
Lyndsey: It was shares all ’round!
Kelsey: I’m gonna sleep where it smells like Nick.
Nick: Some day everywhere will smell like Nick.
Nick: Put those in the trash, nobody wants your shit.
Nick: Except for me. I want your shit on my head.
And then he climbed up Leonard’s anus.
Lyndsey: Hahaha why won’t this water main go away.
Kelsey: Oh Alvin, you’re so sexy and one-note.
Kelsey: …what the FUCK am I dreaming.
Lyndsey: I wonder if all these rocks go together into something.
If you combine them in exactly the right way, you get one great big rock.
Kelsey: WOW it’s still dark.
♪ JPEG METH MOUTH ♪
Lyndsey: It’s too early to crow.
Kelsey: But I do look like a rooster.
Kelsey: Alright, round two, switcheroo!
Lyndsey: Guess who just won the Lyndsey sweepstakes?
Leonard: Someone who cares? And isn’t me?
Well good, honestly, I’m ready for 366.
Lyndsey: FUCK YOU FOR NOT FUCKING ME
The house that fuck built.
Kelsey: What did you call me?
Next time: how to break a jail.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 10 June 2012.