The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 365

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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Alright! That’s enough of Chapter 364.


Myrtle: I have been dying for a WEEK

Lyndsey: I’m less cute now.
Nick: I’m cuter.

Ally: The extras floodgates have been released! We’re FREE!

Yeah, all these people have been here the whole time.

I wasn’t making them in TS3.

I didn’t want to spend any more time there than absolutely necessary.

What an excellent sense of occasion you have.

Lyndsey: Hormones don’t scare, bud.

Nathen: That was neat. Again! Again!

I like how literally everyone is getting the notification and literally no-one is doing anything about it.

It’s just like an emergency warning system.

Kelsey: Do NOT go in there. It smells like somebody died.

It smells like somebody else is trying to die.

Uma: You look like a regional manager at the Dude Depot.

Nerissa: DISRESPECT 😀


Kelsey: Well, I guess you get to stay with me. We’ve been through life, and death, and the worst video game ever created together.

Lyndsey: I ain’t acknowledgin’ no ghosts.

FLIES even.

Lyndsey: Yeah, they’re in my hair. Forever.

Lyndsey: Just kidding I’m gorgeous clean.

Kelsey: Get your gorgeous ass in gear.

Luckily for her there’s only room for one diggin’ hole.

Lyndsey: Wanna come see our shovel hovel?

Lyndsey: What did you find?
Kelsey: Boss?

-sigh-

-connects portable hard drive-

-opens large screenshots folder-

-finds image-

A BONE

Lyndsey: Won’t be the only one around here if I don’t get some clothes on.

Lyndsey: I just saved you an erection!
Leonard: Why?

Lyndsey: Wanna play with my balls?
Nick: You only have one ball.
Lyndsey: You wouldn’t have gotten the joke that way.

Nick: Ohhhhh, you thought you were being funny.

Nick: I know many people.

Lyndsey: Hey Kel, guess what? We know a guy what knows many people.
Kelsey: I know many guys what know many people.
Lyndsey: What do we need this guy for, then?

Nick: VISUAL METAPHOR

Lyndsey: Don’t blow your load for her, buddy. I’m the one what brung you.

Lyndsey: And I’m gonna be the one what hung you.
Kelsey: I will pay you real money to come here and disrupt these people.

Nick: Too late, I’ve already rupted.

Lyndsey: We’d better get you out of those pants, then.

Lyndsey: Or out of these doors.

Lyndsey: Why was there no segue.

Nick: Keep talking into my ear, it tickles.

Nick: This is a great neighbourhood.
Lyndsey: That’s a brothel directly behind you.
Nick: Which is what I was referring to?

Lyndsey: Why pay for it when you can get it for free?
Nick: To help disadvantaged people? Bitch.

Lyndsey: Let’s talk about your date vocabulary.

Nick: I heard girls like insults.
Lyndsey: And you heard this from-
Nick: Guys.
Lyndsey: -guys, yeah, of course.

Lyndsey: Don’t make me kick you in the balls before you’ve had a chance to use them.

Uh-oh. I know that stance.

Lyndsey: The villain says “mwah.”
Nick: What?
Lyndsey: Sorry, in the throes of passion I revert to my native tongue.

Nick: Gimme some more of that native tongue, baby.
Lyndsey: The bonobo says “Yes!”
Nick: Does it?
Lyndsey: When it agrees with something, sure!

Nick: You’re weird.

♪ JPEG METH-MOUTH ♪

To the tune of “Robot Roll Call” from Mystery Science Theatre [sic] 3000, if you’re wondering.

If you’re wondering what “sic” means, it’s Latin for “thus.” You use it to indicate an error isn’t yours, but part of the original source.

If you’re wondering if that means I consider American English to be an error, why are you wondering.

Nick: Her mouth does make me feel like I’m on meth!

What?

Oh, right. Sorry. I forgot what the last pic’s joke was, because I soapboxed for way too long.

Man, I should be doing literally anything else right now.

Lyndsey: Hey, the date plumbbob’s in the shot! How come?

Because you noticed it was.

It’s fiiiine.

Nick: So fine.

Kelsey: I know his last name is Murphy, but how many things can possibly have gone wrong on the way here?

Kelsey: Any Leonards who can get moving will get moving.

Kelsey: Almost forgot! Nudity ain’t free.

Leonard: Sorry I’m late, I tried to use the same door as someone else and we shuffled back and forth for two hours.

Lyndsey: I grew up in an orphanage!
Nick: What a loser!
Leonard: Can you make fun of people for being in an orphanage?

It might be the final frontier of acceptable mockery.

Lyndsey: My brother Lance…
Nick: …yeah?
Lyndsey: …is not some green goth with sunglasses. What the fuck?

Lyndsey: Stick with me baby, I’m the fella you came in with.

Lyndsey: Or I’ll rip your ass off.

Leonard: Maybe we should swap? Or do we have to be married first.

Kelsey: Let’s swap spit.

*sucking sound*

*creaking sound*

*fucking sound*

Nah, we’re not there yet, I just wanted to make the joke.

Lyndsey: I have seen the future and it has many inches.

Lyndsey: How do you get your hair so fluffy?
Nick: I offend it every morning.

Leonard: Okay seriously are we with the right people right now.

Leonard: Then again, if we get it wrong the first time, we get to bang extra!

Kelsey: *soundless dismissal*

Kelsey: No, your sister is not here! My sister is here!

Leonard: Did he sound green? Or sunglassesy?

Leonard: Again?
Kelsey: HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW LYNDSEY
Vicki: I DON’T KNOW

Leonard: What number was that fuckin’ pic?

83.

Leonard: What number is this pic?

74.

Leonard: Niiice.

Kelsey: So a murderer stole me from my mom.
Leonard: A momderer, then?
Kelsey: No, she didn’t murder my mom.
Leonard: Not much of a murderer, then.

Kelsey: I think she’s had sex with everybody.
Leonard: Not me!
Kelsey: Well hey, then, try your luck! Statistically…

Kelsey: She even fucked the poo demon.
Leonard: Not the poo demon!

Kelsey: Right? And NOBODY liked the POO DEMON.

NOBODY.

Kelsey: Don’t use me to fight your fights.

Lyndsey: Crotchslap contest, go!

Target identification: failed.

Leonard: Hey, this one is pretty good!
Kelsey: “This one.”
Leonard: Well I mean you were kidnapped, who knows what your real name is.
Kelsey: …THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO GIVE ME AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

Lyndsey: Keep giving me what you’re giving me!

Kelsey: HOW’S IT GOIN’ OVER THERE
Lyndsey: OHHHH IT’S GOIN’

Kelsey: OH! OH! NICK!
Leonard: Hey!
Kelsey: What? I’m just saying hi to Nick!

Nick: Awful neighbourly of you.

Leonard: LYNNNNNDSEEEEEY
Nick: Ugh Kelsey…
Kelsey: GIVE IT TO ME NICK
Lyndsey: WORK IT, LEONARD!

Nick: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I THINK I’M LEONARD NOW
Leonard: I DON’T WANNA BE NICK

What a lovely picture.

Can’t really show it to anybody, though.

Except the internet.

Because the internet is a pervert.

Lyndsey: THE LYNDSEY SAYS “OH GOD YOU’RE FUCKING ME”

Kelsey: THE KELSEY SAYS SOMETHING SIMILAR

Leonard: I’m glad that townie died instead of me.

Nick: I’m just glad she died.

Alright this is getting weird, wrap it up.

Kelsey: Well done, my man!
Nick: Can I be your man next?

Nick: No offense!
Lyndsey: None fuckin’ taken!

WooHoo Headline 1: Hey man, good to see you again.
WooHoo Headline 2: You too, man.
WooHoo Headline 1: Wait, we’re both dudes?
WooHoo Headline 2: It’s too late to change the joke now!

Kelsey: Whew. Now I understand why people fuck in bed.

Nick: Well unfortunately since your beds are both single-
Lyndsey: Just like us!
Nick: -we won’t be joining you in them.
Kelsey: You guys could share the hole!

Nick: Never say that again.

Nick: Move those lips closer, dude! You’re almost in!
Leonard: I am in. Those lips.

Nick: Which one you like better?
Leonard: Kelsey.
Nick: Right?

Lyndsey: Fuck you! Any time.

Kelsey: I’m glad we could share whatever this was.

Lyndsey: It was shares all ’round!

Kelsey: I’m gonna sleep where it smells like Nick.

Nick: Some day everywhere will smell like Nick.

Nick: Put those in the trash, nobody wants your shit.

Nick: Except for me. I want your shit on my head.

And then he climbed up Leonard’s anus.

Lyndsey: Hahaha why won’t this water main go away.

Kelsey: Oh Alvin, you’re so sexy and one-note.

Kelsey: …what the FUCK am I dreaming.

Lyndsey: I wonder if all these rocks go together into something.

Yeah.

If you combine them in exactly the right way, you get one great big rock.

Kelsey: WOW it’s still dark.

♪ JPEG METH MOUTH ♪

Kelsey: CROOOOW!

Lyndsey: It’s too early to crow.
Kelsey: But I do look like a rooster.

Lyndsey: Cock-a-doodle.

Kelsey: Alright, round two, switcheroo!

Lyndsey: Guess who just won the Lyndsey sweepstakes?

Leonard: Someone who cares? And isn’t me?

Well good, honestly, I’m ready for 366.

Lyndsey: FUCK YOU FOR NOT FUCKING ME

The house that fuck built.

Kelsey: What did you call me?

Next time: how to break a jail.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 10 June 2012.

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