The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 364

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 3!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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Puddin’ on the Ritz.


Obviously these two need no introduction.


Leonard: I need them introduced. To me.

Nerissa: Well, you played your best. You can mail your valuables to my post office box.

Kelsey: You took that awful well.
Lyndsey: The natural lifespan of a townie is about twenty years. It would be cruel to deny them their little victories.

Lyndsey: Especially with so many little failures kicking around here.

Kelsey: Hey there Murphy dude.
Leonard: I’m such a freakin’ dude.

Kelsey: A dude with ‘tude. A ‘tude dude.

Kelsey: Back off, bitch. Lust is thicker than blood.

Heath: Lust is thicker than my penis.

Kelsey: CAN YOU PRUNE YOUR TOWNIE POOL

Kelsey: Alright, you’re the first half-attractive person mostly my age I’ve seen today. Wanna go out?
Leonard: I’m already out! So… yes! Obviously.

Kelsey: Amiable and clueless. The perfect Romance Sim boyfriend.

Leonard: I’m a Family Sim.
Kelsey: Meh. I won’t kick you out of bed for wantin’ babies.

“Penny”: Out enjoying the interim between apocalypses, kiddos? Good on ya. Can’t stop livin’ now just because you’ll probably stop livin’ soon!


Lyndsey: I’m not going in there.
Kelsey: Aw, come on, this is an old glitch. They probably still have it in The Sims 4.
Lyndsey: There is no such thing as The Sims 4.
Leonard: Hot take!

Kelsey: So yeah, that weird lady we walked past?
Leonard: The vaguely terrifying one?
Kelsey: Yeah! Let’s talk smack about her in public.

Leonard: How’d it turn out?
Kelsey: Uh… it didn’t.

Kelsey: You might as well take it.
Leonard: You’re giving me a gift?
Kelsey: I’m giving you a garbage.

Leonard: Still more than anyone’s ever given me.

Leonard: Except death. I’ve been given death before.
Kelsey: Cool beans.

Jack: Allow me to mince on by, hot stuff.

Bill: Oh! Hey, boss! What are you doing here?
Neil: Fuck, are you guys doing a chapter? Fuck! Cover me while I jet.

Bill: Take this smelly teenager with you. To jail.
Lyndsey: Uh.
Bill: UGLY JAIL

Kelsey: Yeah baby, my guts break nuts.

Leonard: …not my nuts, though. Please?

Kelsey: I have ultimate crotch control. Don’t worry.

Leonard: I’m not worried, I’m aroused.

Kelsey: How old are you, anyway?
Leonard: Uh… you… first.
Kelsey: Eighteen.
Leonard: Uh… yeah! I’m someone who was once eighteen too!

Kelsey: You getting abducted over there, Lyn?

Kelsey: I am gonna do some experiments on you, earthling.
Leonard: Woof.

Kelsey: …space themed arcade? I thought…
Leonard: You didn’t think.

Lyndsey: What army you in?
Bill: I’m a prison guard.
Lyndsey: See and I gave you a chance to lie about it but you were too dumb.

Lyndsey: Dumb hot!
Bill: Woof.

Kelsey: All this woofing reminds me what a sexy bitch I am.

Kelsey: Hey baby, what’s that on your lips?

Leonard: It’s chapstick.

Kelsey: Let me get that for you.

Leonard: What was that for?
Kelsey: Being a dork.
Leonard: I was specifically trying not to be a dork.
Kelsey: That’s what did it.

Lyndsey: Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Bill: It’s just me.

Bill: Look woman, I just went through a bad breakup.
Lyndsey: With the parts of your haircut that stopped it from being a mullet?

Bill: If that was supposed to be flirting I might have missed it.
Lyndsey: I learned all my moves from men.

Bill: Well men don’t like it when you treat them like shit.
Lyndsey: …then why they gotta be shit?

Lyndsey: Dickheads be crazy.

Lyndsey: What? WHAT? That line was classic pickup artistry!

Bill: I wish the attractive one wasn’t already taken.

So you just gonna loom there like a creepy stalker?

Bill: It’s my core competency.

Leonard: I’m glad you’re in my life, Kelsey.
Kelsey: Aww, Len-Len. It’s my life now.

Amin: Okay Amin, you got this. Act super natural, not supernatural!

Lyndsey: I’m… not into you.
Amin: OHHHH THAT IS MY EXACT FETISH

Lyndsey: I think we need to Dead Rising this mall. Anyone know any active zombies?

Kelsey: Uh huh Lyn that’s nice.
Leonard: Make mine a double.

Lyndsey: You guys are really goin’ at it, huh?
Kelsey: You’ll understand when you fall in lust.


Lyndsey: You walk like there’s a stick up your ass.
Leonard: Yeah, well, you were adopted.

Lyndsey: Disproportionate retribution much?
Nathen: Boner much!

♪ So ya, thought ya, might like to… go to the show ♪

Leonard: I get mean when I get horny.
Kelsey: I’ll try to stop before you sprout a Hitler ‘stache.

♪ To feel the warm thrill of confusion, and space cadet glow ♪

Leonard: Friends don’t let friends become Nazis.

Fucking right.

♪ Tell me, is something eluding you, sunshine? Is this not what you expected to see? ♪

Snogging the light acceptable.

Nick: Helloooooo sister.

Nick: Hold my virginity, I won’t be needing it.

♪ If you wanna find out what’s behind these cold eyes ♪

Kelsey: You ain’t heavy.
Leonard: Nor am I your brother!

♪ YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO CLAW YOUR WAY THROUGH THIS DISGUISE ♪

Nick: Ugh, it smells like at least one other dude in here.

Nick: Hahaha look at that stupid bitch.

♪ LIGHTS! ♪

Lyndsey: Which one?
Nick: The one I don’t live with, obviously. The other one would kick my balls up into my teeth.

Lyndsey: I like a man who knows where his balls go.

♪ ROLL THE SOUND EFFECTS ♪

Nerissa: Do you know how to work that thing?
Leonard: Very nearly! I’ve discovered at a dozen ways not to work it!

♪ ACTION ♪

Myrtle: I’VE FOUND AN UNLUCKY THIRTEENTH

♪ DROP IT! DROP IT ON ‘EM! ♪

Leonard: SCIENCE IS A HARSH MISTRESS

Myrtle: Skull fractures are harsher.

Myrtle: THIS IS LESS FUN THAN IT LOOKS

♪ DROP IT ON ‘EMMMMMMMM ♪

Myrtle: CUT THE CHAPTER CUT THE CHAPTER

Leonard: Thank you for not using your freeze frame of death on me.

I’ve gotten bored with killing you, man.

Lyndsey: Hey there, ladykiller.
Nick: I did not just kill that lady.

Nick: But she is definitely dead.

Myrtle: NO I’M GOOD

Myrtle: JUST GOTTA GET MY SECOND WIND

Myrtle: I slump the body electric.

Myrtle: it’s just a flesh death

Next time: four’s out of the question.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 25 March 2019 to 1 April 2019.

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