The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 363

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which two’s company.


Don’t look now but someone’s shitting on your sidewalk.

Lyndsey: That does sound like something I don’t want to look at.

So you ran away from home, huh.

Kelsey: Since I was kidnapped I think it’s fair to say that I ran towards home by default.

Kelsey: The best thing about squatters is they don’t report you to the police when you break in.

Kelsey: Hm. I’d know those dead grey eyes anyway.
Lyndsey: Don’t you mean “where”?
Kelsey: On your face, stupid.

Kelsey: Hey. I’m a Price. Don’t know what flavour.
Lyndsey: I’d say bubblegum, off the top of my head.

Kelsey: Someone stole me from my mom when I was a baby.
Lyndsey: And they kicked you out when you grew up and they saw how ugly you are?

Kelsey: Gosh you’re funny.
Lyndsey: Looking?
Kelsey: Psychic, too!

Lyndsey: Didn’t I hear someone kidnapped Chelsea’s kid a while back?
Kelsey: I’m thoroughly unaware of what you’ve heard.
Lyndsey: You’ll pay for that.

Kelsey: Will work for delayed revelations.

This must be like living directly under Boo Radley’s window.

A hundred Boo Radley’s windows.

Kelsey: So assuming Chelsea’s my mom, what does that make us? Sisters?
Lyndsey: I’m your aunt.
Kelsey: That aun’t be right.

Kelsey: She has an admirably direct way of dealing with insubordination.

Kelsey: What say you and I go on a day trip? See the sights? Become inseparable so I don’t have to die alone in the snow outside?

Lyndsey: That depends. Do you have any valuables I can steal off your frozen corpse?

Kelsey: How about I’ll give you any valuables I find automatically?
Lyndsey: Excellent! Postpone the moral event horizon a little, I like it.

Lyndsey: This is my bedroom! I guess I could fuck it up into being our bedroom. If you’re cool enough.

Kelsey: I’m cold enough. Does that count?

Lyndsey: I grew up in an uninsulated kitchen and moved on to building my own house. You don’t know from cold, girl.


Kelsey: Did you mean for the prison to loom so horrifically?

No, but sometimes you get lucky.

Kelsey: What are we doing here?
Lyndsey: Unuglying you.

Welcome to Dr. Joe’s FacePlace.

William: “Ostentatious: Un. U. Farthate?”

Gina: LEARN CURSIVE

William: …”Obstruction…”
Gina: NO
William: …”Pantyhose…”

Gina: NO

William: Are you sure? Because this chick’s wearing pantyhouse and obstructing me.
Kelsey: They’re PANTS. Check your prescription.

Renée: Does the Outstanding Guy of Pigmeat want some hot dogs?

Kelsey: Having fun up there?

I’m stuck.

Kelsey: Who works here?
Gina: Well, I mean, I do.
Kelsey: Demonstrably untrue. Sitting isn’t work.

Renée: Demunchably untrue.

Lyndsey: Is Constantine Dogmeat in?
William: GOOD ONE

Kelsey: What is this place?
Joe: You’re in the plastic surgery ward.
Kelsey: When’s your operation?

Joe: Love me a good bitch.

Lyndsey: I thought you might want to fix your face, since it’s part Chelsea and Chelsea’s face is part yogurt.

Joe: Love me a good double bitch.

Lyndsey: Please be quiet.

Kelsey: What’s your job here?
Joe: I turn off the “sometimes suck off the patient’s face” setting.
Kelsey: Why is there even a setting for that?!
Joe: So I have a job here?

Kelsey: Alright, can you walk me through this process?
Joe: No. Stick your face in the thing and think pretty thoughts.

Joe: That’s how I got this lovely mug.

Kelsey: …not promising.

Joe: It is vitally important that I get too close to you now.

Lyndsey: You should know that I’m a big fan of yours.
William: I do know that! Or rather I assume that. Of everybody.

Kelsey: Surprise! You’re the ugly one now.

Joe: No I will NOT book a second appointment today!

Lyndsey: Alright sisterniece, bonding time.

Lyndsey: Do you feel pretty now?
Kelsey: I feel so pretty I had to steal your awful haircut just to tone it down a notch.

Kelsey: …wow. Being pretty really does make you a bitch.

Kelsey: So what’s his excuse?

There are so many opportunities in this story for sudden bus accidents.

STOP FUCKING AROUND

At least in this game the idle Sims just look at birds and judge the artistic merits of signs.

Instead of slowly dismantling everything you’ve built in the background like little agents of lower-case entropy.

Nick: Do you know if any of mom’s anniversaries are coming up?
William: Yeah, but it might be in bad taste to commemorate her murders.
Laci: You could invite some seriously relevant guests, though!

Nice of me to close the establishing shot after the horses have gone home.

Kelsey: Must you always use your words for evil?

It’s not a compulsion, it’s a passion.


Nathen: Passion I understand.

“Penny”: Always a giver, never a receiver, am I right?

Lyndsey: I bet she is right.
Nathen: I’m unloved.

Lyndsey: I’m bankrupt.
Nathen: Suddenly I don’t even feel like giving.

Lyndsey: Okay, the surgery might have been a mistake.

Sullivan: Surgery is never a mistake, as long as you put less back in than you take out.

Are you plotting to steal Wren’s kidneys?

Sullivan: I never leave home before the plotting’s concluded, I’ll have you know.

Wren: I like a man with a plan.

Kelsey: We should get you a boyfriend!
Lyndsey: Why?
Kelsey: So people will ignore you in favour of me.

What you both need is a little wood filler for that gap in your hair.

Lyndsey: I feel like we’re really becoming close.
Kelsey: I FEEL LIKE WE’RE CLOSE ENOUGH

Lyndsey: Your feelings hurt my feelings.

Jane: There’s nothing in either of their files about this.

Don’t pretend you’ve read all of Sullivan’s file.

Jane: The eighty-page executive summary is reasonably thorough, although it does cause your eyes to bleed slightly if you read it.

As opposed to making your eyes bleed slightly without reading it.

Jane: Which the full report does.

Stop making the hot chicks meet the ugly weirdo, Past Grugly.

Past Grugly: It gives me hope for me.

I think this is a fair summary of Samella’s intelligence.

Samella: Those aren’t my thoughts!

Nathen: Bad ass! Thought ventriloquism!

Oh my god WHY.

Lyndsey: I’ll second that.

Nathen: See how mature I am? I have a tie.
Lyndsey: He is super strangleable that way.

Sullivan: Hahaha WHAT? You strangle with your BARE HANDS! God, Millennials ruin everything.

Nathen: Kiss me, I’m ugly.

Sullivan: Your kidneys are safe. I’ve found a new donor.

Kelsey: Wanna go on a date?
Nathen: Sure! Who with?

Nathen: With you? I’d like to think I can do better than that!

Most people would like to think at least one wrong thing.

Nathen: You’ll just have to ask someone less fascinating than me. Good luck finding anyone like that around here.

Kelsey: Clearly either the narrator or the universe hates you.

Why pick just one?

Kelsey: I feel like I know you.
“Penny”: Nobody really knows me.

“Penny”: I was friends with the woman who raised you.
Kelsey: Oh yeah?
“Penny”: Her only true friend, you could say.

Kelsey: Why would you want me to say that? Is it some great thing to be a kidnapper’s friend?
“Penny”: It is if you’re in the market for kids.

Kelsey: Is this woman a pedophile?

No.

That is one of the only terrible things she isn’t.

Kelsey: Wait, was this one of those things where someone refers to their “friend” but they’re really talking about themselves?
“Penny”: Don’t focus on the past, kid. It’ll get you napped.

Pierce: Love me some preggers chick.

Brandi: Ever hold hands with a girl on her period?
Kelsey: HIT THE EJECT BUTTON LYN

Lyndsey: Even hold hands with a dude shitting blood?

When Everybody Met Everybody.

Kelsey: And Didn’t Like It.

Pierce: I like it.
Nathen: Keep it in your bun, man.

Sullivan: Spaghetti arms!

Statue of Virginia: *remains symbolic of Virginia’s baffling absence*

Lyndsey: This is how flu spreads.

Lyndsey: So at least the day’s had a purpose.

Kelsey: Don’t talk to that dude, he eats babies.
Sullivan: Nonsense. Only teens have enough meet for eatin’. Babies are only good for-

LOT TRANSITION LOT TRANSITION

I don’t blame it.

Half an hour later…


Kelsey: Don’t look back at the fireball.

Kelsey: Hey, these are neat! Where did you get them?

TS3 to TS2 conversion.

Kelsey: I hate them.

Oliver: Hey, you’re wearing TS3 glasses! Me too!
Lyndsey: Suicide pact?

Oliver: You are some hot.
Gerard: Hey, thanks man.

Lyndsey: I don’t like you now that you hit on that dude.
Oliver: I did not hit on that dude.
Lyndsey: Don’t be so mean to that dude.

Oliver: I’m not gay.
Kelsey: I’m not interested.

Oliver: I am at least three kinds of interested.

Oliver: Because there are three of you.
Kelsey: But you’re already on strike two!

Gerard: Ew. Germs.

Gerard: Ooh! Form.

Emmy: Y’all play with balls for free?!

Kelsey: What the FUCK are you doing.
Lyndsey: Defying.

Brady: Rebellion is so normative.

Many fall…

…but one remains.

♪ Nerevar Rising from Morrowind ♪

Lyndsey: I think we’re maybe boring him a little.

Suddenly I’m interested again.

Suddenly I’m fascinated.

Kelsey: Are we close yet?
Lyndsey: Well, I mean, we’re touching.

Uma: Do you like Murphies?
Kelsey: I try not to like anyone I might secretly be related to.

I don’t think this is what “prison break” usually means.

Lyndsey: Bye nobody!
Kelsey: Have a time!

Lyndsey: Hi nobody!

Nothing quite like waiting for a lot to load only for the game to populate it entirely with numpties.


SEE THIS IS WHAT I MEAN

Christ, at least she’s a character.

Lyndsey: I think we’re gonna find true love today.
Kelsey: I’ll settle for false lust, honestly.

Kelsey: I take it back.

Bradleigh: I feel like I know you.
Kelsey: DON’T TAKE THE BAIT

Lyndsey: Did that weird lady at the coffee shop scare you?
Kelsey: I think she was only pretending to be a weird lady. I think she was a weird lady.

Kelsey: Like, bad weird.
Bradleigh: Sounds like most of my family.

Lyndsey: …dad?

WEDNESDAY: RAD

It’s only a matter of time before these basement escapees really scar someone.

Ember: Like you’re afraid of scarring people.

Right? Anyway go play dominoes with the father of your children who is now a woman.

Kelsey: …grandpa?!

Kelsey: You look really good for a grandpa, gotta say.

Yoosung: How many chips for a kiss?
Margaret: I’ll give you one right in the kisser for free.
Ember: Don’t be silly, we’ll take his chips too.

Next time: three’s a crowd.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 10 June 2012.

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