Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which I’m so liberal I shit quinoa.
First off, some scenery porn.
Because we tend to overdose on ordinary porn around here.
Emmy: You ever get cum in your ear?
Probably not, but I like to think scientifically, so hey, maybe.
Emmy: I wonder if men would pay to hear kissing noises on the phone.
There are very few things a woman can do that a man will be reluctant to pay them for.
Work is one of them.
Emmy: We can fuck, but you have to do all the work.
Emmy: Pretty fancy clothes for a prostitute visit.
Bill: I’m making a main cast push, I need to get my face out there.
Bill: Even if it means associating it with all of your faces.
Tiffany: Where’d you get the asshole, Emmy? We only deal with pricks here.
Tiffany: And cunts.
It was the only way to make the joke.
I’m not sorry.
Tiffany: I’m usually sorry about something.
Bill: Currently I’m sorry I didn’t wait for the newer models to arrive.
Jewel: I’m offended that you think I work here, but not enough to stop playing here.
Jewel: That guy seems like a rapist.
Tiffany: We’ll see how that works out for him.
It won’t work out well.
Bill: Why’s everyone assuming I’m a bad person? Just because I look and sound and act like a bad person?
Emmy: It’s so tough being a majority ruler.
Bill: I don’t think people appreciate how stressful it is when your class owns all the things and causes all the problems.
If my liberal soapboxing gets too heavy for any of you out there, please let me know so I can ask you to leave.
Tiffany: I have decided that it is actually impossible to form a friendship with a man. Change my mind.
Bill: Don’t get friendly, it’ll make the rough stuff more awkward.
Bill: Kissing is okay if I get to bite your tongue.
Tiffany: We gonna fuck?
Jewel: Can we just be not men at each other for a bit?
Bill: I don’t get why women think all men are terrible.
Emmy: It’s definitely not because all men get offended when we say terrible men are terrible.
Tiffany: You’ve got that fancy B-list sheen to you.
Jewel: You’ve got a home! Doesn’t that bump you up to B-list?
Tiffany: I’ve got a really Maxis face, though.
Jewel: You might at least get a dramatic death scene, then.
Tiffany: I’m taking someone with me when I go.
Jewel: It should be that pale dude.
♪ I kissed a- ♪
Tiffany: You were really quick on the draw with that one.
Jewel: I know how his garbage brain works.
♪ Voo, jigganeep, like a gurn, gigaclop ♪
Jewel: Now THAT is a good Katy Perry song.
Bill: Trying to memorize me?
Emmy: Just your medals. I’m checking ebay in a minute.
This is a new millennial kissing sensation call lip desync.
Bill: I hate millennials except as a hate sink for all my problems.
Do you have a lot of problems?
Emmy: This bitch ain’t one!
Emmy: I called myself a bitch to pre-empt you.
Jewel: I never understood why back strain is considered romantic.
Tiffany: It comes from male-female relationships. The men symbolically hurt their backs as penance for what pregnancy does to ours.
Bill: If you get pregnant I’m hurting more than your back.
Emmy: Well I mean a) god would instakill you, and b) there is no way I was ever gonna risk having your baby.
Maybe my neighbourhood should consist entirely of women.
Maybe the world should consist entirely of women.
I’m not even aroused by this.
I just think it’s nice they’re having fun without someone who gets offended when a commercial tells them their identity shouldn’t be defined by being a shithead being present.
That was a good sentence.
And yes I’m hitting the bleeding-heart button really hard right now but that’s because we’re on the once-per-cycle sex workers chapter and I am desperately desperate not to seem like a misogynist but also too much of a completist to leave it out.
Tiffany: Yeah he’s mansplaining how woke he is, it’s fun.
Brandi: Oh yeah he’s real woke. He named me Brandi II because there was already another Brandi.
I think you were Brandi I, actually.
I’m not sure if that’s better.
Tiffany: Next Monday’s date? Why would that be relevant?
Tiffany: Just a second, I have an outgrown palate.
Gnome: ‘sup bitch.
Bill: That hurt, kid? Sounded like it hurt.
Blazej: Are those for me?
Bill: Nothing will ever be for you.
I like that my sex workers solicit.
Really underlines the fictional nature of my setting.
Veronica: Who needs shoulders?!
Gnome: UNHAND ME, VILLEIN
Veronica: Where you goin’, mister?
Nathaniel: I think it’s illegal to tell you.
Nathaniel: …I think I’m at the wrong place.
Veronica: They do WHAT in there?!
Richard: And people PAY THEM for it!
Richard: I don’t think their generation got sex ed.
Tiffany: Yeah, and I wish they had.
Tiffany: Half of them think tickling is penetrative.
Tiffany: Hey, are you jailbait?
Nathaniel: That’s a pretty hot question.
Tiffany: That’s a pretty suspicious response.
Veronica: What are you doing over there?
Richard: Wishing I could just walk to another lot without hitting a loading wall.
Veronica: How would that even work?
Richard: Badly, I bet.
Richard: Imagine if everyone out there was always going about their everyday lives, but without any sort of… direction? Oversight? Point?
Veronica: “The unexamined life is not worth living?”
Richard: Not when the unexamined life involves marrying ugly people and having ugly babies outside of any meaningful existence, anyway.
Dirk: This feels like another author tract.
At least this one is actually game-relevant.
Nathaniel: So do you guys use contraceptives?
And the award for Best Misuse of a Speech Balloon goes to…
Vivian: I just realized I’m still alive. Why am I still alive? I’m boring.
Veronica: You think you’re imperilled, therefore you am.
Nathaniel: Teehee! You made me nosehole my handface.
Nathaniel: Language works best when it’s broken.
Tiffany: Contraceptives not so much.
Tiffany: Anyway we don’t need them because we always initiate sex ourselves, and we get to decide if we want to Try for Baby.
Nathaniel: Of course! No intelligently-designed system would operate otherwise.
Nathaniel: He’s using me to fight his battles again.
Tiffany: If it’s not the word battles it’ll be the gun and axe battles. You got off easy.
Nathaniel: Let me snog your neckspace.
HEY WAIT AREN’T YOU IN A BASEMENT
Nathaniel: Man! You are one sexy NOT MY FAMILY MEMBERS IN THE BASEMENT WITH ME RIGHT NOW, you know that?
Tiffany: Are you saying this isn’t really happening?
Nathaniel: If he doesn’t notice, it is!
Come ON Past Grugly! Wake the fuck UP!
Nathaniel: Be cool, Past Grugly. Be cool.
Nathaniel: Oh, since you asked, I’m nineteen.
Tiffany: …I probably should have gotten that answer before this point.
Tiffany: WHERE DOES MOUTH AND HAND GO
Don’t look at me!
I’ve never blown anyone.
That I know of. I can’t totally rule it out. Because science.
Tiffany: I never knew science was so sexy.
Nathaniel: You’ve never heard Neil deGrasse Tyson’s voice, then?
Nathaniel: I masturbate to it.
Tiffany: So basically he’s taking food out of my mouth.
Tiffany: Cocks out of my mouth?
Tiffany: I’m glad our love birthed these magnificent statements.
Nathaniel: That’s what you get for not using contraception.
Every joke is precious.
Richard: NOT ALL OF YOURS
Yeah, for instance, I think I just made a joke about an anti-abortion catchphrase.
So now I’ll have to really belabour my support of women’s rights to control their own bodies, or all the Nazis will funnel in and turn my characters into alt-right figureheads.
I’m not that desperate for a readership.
Emmy: Do you thinka lot of Nazis read Sims 2 stories?
No, they’ll be reading Sims 3 stories.
Tiffany: White people love TS3 because it’s really ugly and mostly not animated.
Nathaniel: You do realize I am a white person.
Tiffany: And you have to stand there and take it! Reparations, bitch.
Tiffany: Man, that dude’s name is Sean. What a jerk.
Tiffany: My first boyfriend is a girlfriend now.
Tiffany: Not even my girlfriend.
Nathaniel: Okay, well, since we’ve spent all this time being super liberal about sex, we should start being super liberal with it.
Tiffany: Checks out.
Tiffany: Boing! Boing!
Nathaniel: Slap! SLAP!
Tiffany: See? It’s fun.
Emmy: It’s gross.
Tiffany: If I blow just the right kind of raspberry it’ll sound like a vagina sucking in air.
Nathaniel: That would be less fun and more gross.
Richard: This is all gross, except for the part where it is slowly building us a house.
This is also slowly building you a house.
Tiffany: Enjoy yourself?
Nathaniel: I mostly enjoyed you.
Tiffany: Can I make out with your forehead?
Nathaniel: Does foreheadplay cost extra?
Tiffany: No, but wordplay does.
Tiffany: Uh, dude, you don’t live here now.
Nathaniel: Just charge me room and board for the night.
Tiffany: Do you have any idea what that’ll cost you in date flowers?
Nathaniel: You’re worth it. Raise your rates.
Emmy: Motherfucker stole the bottoms off our floor tiles!
Nathaniel: Get your shit together, dude.
Ever since this I’ve seen naked tummies in a different light.
I would call this bedding “bedbug-themed.”
Bill: Here. Have some class.
They’ve got class.
Yeah, breathe on each other all night, that’s sustainable.
Millennials Aren’t Using As Many Zs
The previous generation is using extra Zs to compensate.
Also haha I think half your hair fell off lady
Tiffany: Mornin’ Gina.
Tiffany: In other news I just named my genitals.
It’s a thing! Around here, at least.
Tiffany: Wake up and kill your uncle for me.
Tiffany: AVENGE MY PERCEIVED SLIGHT
Tiffany: What if I fondle your dongle?
That’s a damn good note to go out on.
Next time: a journey transcendent of space, time, and executable commences.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 9 June 2012 to 10 June 2012.