The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 360

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which things come full circle; will always be the same; will never be the same.


It’s called Chapter 360 because when you see it you turn three hundred and sixty degrees and walk away.

Tyler: That’s stupid, three hundred and-

Click the link.

Tyler: Okay, but if you turn three-

CLICK THE LINK

Tyler: I’M SEVEN YEARS AGO

Tyler: And I’ve got me the seven-years-ago itch.

Corey: Don’t you be objectivising my Brandi!
Tyler: I think I was objectivising the other one.
Corey: Don’t you be objectivising my other one!

Tyler: Oh god, you’re a B-lister, I was warned about you.

Corey: POCKET ACID

Tyler: And that’s why I got these glasses.

Brandi: Did you just pocket acid that man? That’s so hot.
Jizelle: Waz zat pocket aceeding I hert?

Brandi: Oh yeah baby, bubble my butt.

Tyler: HOW STRONG WAS THAT ACID

Laci: Just because this dude is melting doesn’t mean I’m not angry.

Tyler: But I just became a character…

The worst part about being a D-lister is what the “D” stands for.

Corey: Dumb.
Brandi: Dead.
Corey: Dead! Right, dead. That’s what I said.

Jizelle: We zhould ‘ave called our group Population Control.

Laci: Killing someone to distract me from cheating is A DIFFERENT KIND OF CHEATING

Brandi: It’s not cheating when it’s evil.
Corey: Also we’re not in a relationship.
Laci: ALSO FUCK YOU

Corey: Been there, done thot.
The Grim Reaper: COLD, DUDE.

Brandi: So wait, is this what “doing acid” means?

Corey: Look, Laci, I would REALLY like to take this conversation SERIOUSLY but I’m emitting fucking BUBBLES

Corey: I think I need a doctor. Like, from Theme Hospital.

Laci: I think you need a doctor. Like, Doctor Kildare. Because you are fucking daring me to kill you right now.

Laci: The bubbles are pretty cute, though.

The Grim Reaper: YOU EAT A BAR OF SOAP OR SOMETHING?

Corey: It’s just good, clean living.

Laci: It’s me. Meet me at the place.

Neil: Who what where?

Neil: I can’t hear you if you don’t move your mouth.

Laci: It’s me! Laci!
Neil: I don’t know a Lacey.
Laci: Dude, I can even hear you spelling it wrong.

Neil: Last time we interacted, you kicked me out of my own house.
Laci: Well, you cheated on me.
Neil: I would’ve cheated on anyone, though!

Laci: Look. I’ve had a rough day, and I was wondering if you wanted to hang out. Where we first met.
Neil: If this is a test, I am going to fail it.

Wren: I’ve invented a self-tripping device.

Neil: I don’t even remember where I ate today. And it’s probably not ten feet away.

Laci: Okay, well, do you remember Hardbody’s? The hot tubs?
Neil: Sounds pretty gay to me.

Laci: Do you remember the title pic for Chapter Three?

Laci: Anyway I hear your asshole son married that bitch who killed me. How does that make you feel?

Neil: Like you’re attacking my family.
Laci: Your family attacked me first.

Laci: Have you met your grandson? William Junior! MAN could I tell you something FUNNY about HIM.

Laci: Would you like to know what a good kisser your son is?

Brandi: This is simultaneously difficult and pointless!

I’m working on something like that.

You’ll see in a few days.

Laci: Come on, Neil. Take a tub with me. It’ll be like old times! Before you got me murdered.

Laci: Bring your trunks, and leave your gun.

You realize I’m going to have to try and recreate that title pic, right?

I am going to fail that so hard.

Laci: Fuckin’ zoo, this place.

Laci: Unlicensed, too.


I am amazed that redundant nonsense fits on one card.

Neil: This isn’t the gym.
Laci: We didn’t meet at the gym.

Neil: I remember now! You were dressed like a waitress.
Laci: Bartender.
Neil: Your ass was fantastic.
Laci: You do remember!

Laci: How do I measure up to your memories? Bear in mind I’m already a woman scorned.

Neil: Your red hair sure is red hair!

Neil: Was that a good answer?
Laci: It was barely an answer.

FINGERGUNFIGHT

You fuckin’ dopes.

Neil: She is fuckin’ dope.

Laci: A storm is coming.
Neil: Is that a warning?
Laci: No, I’m being literal. I checked the weather channel.

Neil: So you’re not talking about a rain to wash away the garbage and sleaze off the sidewalks?
Laci: No.
Neil: Or a rain of blood, where once the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown?
Laci: No!

Laci: Stop trying to noir up our date.

Neil: Are we on a date? How quaint.
Laci: Nothing you or I do is ever “quaint.”

Neil: I bought a doghouse once.
Laci: Okay, that’s a little bit quaint.

Neil: Also we’re sitting on a bench in the rain.

Neil: So I take it you’re mad that I married Vicki.
Laci: What’s there to be mad about? You cheat on a woman, your wife divorces you, and that woman murders her, of course that’s marriage material!

Laci: You definitely did right by me, darling.

Laci: Don’t look now, but I think we made a friend.

Neil: I don’t make friends anymore. Friends die.

Laci: Everybody dies, Neil. The problem is, some of them come back.

Laci: What? I can’t hear you.

Laci: Speak up, dammit.

Laci: I don’t speak cropped.

Neil: I said, you were asking if it bugged me that Vicki married William.
Laci: Right.
Neil: Well, it doesn’t.
Laci: Right.

Neil: It doesn’t! She was a fucking axe murderer when I knew her.
Laci: The axes were mind-controlling her.
Neil: Right! Who needs that hassle?!

Laci: You ever wonder what would have happened if you and I had never met here?
Neil: No, I have literally zero non-sexual imagination.

Neil: I guess I’d be out of a job.
Laci: Why’s that?
Neil: Because practically everyone in my prison is there because of something related to Cecilia.

Laci: Related to William, more like.
Neil: What’s the difference?

Neil: Oh sure, get mad. Cecilia being evil is totally not a fact in evidence.

Laci: Insulting a woman’s daughter is definitely the way to her heart, my man.
Neil: She called me her man!

I see the prison has a generous day trip program.

boolprop testingcheatsenabled true

force error

delete

For a second I thought that was two Deborahs and I was terrified.

Then I saw it was Deborah and Vicki.

That’s more terrifying.

Neil: Should we say “hi”?

Neil: No?


Laci: I hope you’ve been working on your summer bod.

Neil: No. I look like an eighty-year-old baby.

Neil: Okay, now this I remember.

Neil: Okay stop remembering.

Laci: The world was full of possibilities when we came here together.
Neil: Less crashes.
Laci: Yeah.
Neil: No sex animations.
Laci: Yeah.
Neil: No serial killers.
Laci: Nope.

Laci: Altogether quite boring.

Neil: We didn’t see it that way.
Laci: Well of course not! We were fucking around.

Neil: I was fucking around around.

Neil: What were you saying about William Junior?
Laci: Wouldn’t you like to know?
Neil: Yes. That is why I asked.

Laci: I don’t think I’ll say. I’d feel bad if I prejudiced you against our grandson.
Neil: Okay.
Laci: …alright. Cool. Don’t catch the obvious hint.

Neil: I am literally impervious to obviousness. I am obvioblivious.

Laci: You’re a hefty hunk of blubber, is what you are.

Neil: And you look even better than the day we first met.
Laci: Was it a good looking day? Or was that a faulty parallelism.

Neil: Talk like that, people’re gonna think you’re an asshole.

Chelsea: Is she not?

Hahaha.

Chelsea: What?

You have NO IDEA how much right you have to say that to her.

Chelsea: …what?

Chelsea: Anyway, nakeding.

Laci: You still find me desirable?
Neil: Desire is basically the only kind of able I’m still capable of!

Laci: How’s your back?
Neil: If it breaks, it breaks.

Laci: You know what I’m thinking, then.
Neil: Yeah? You already mentioned it on the phone.
Laci: That was, like, a few hours ago. You’re old, I assumed you’d forgotten.

Laci: We’d better flirt a bit first, in case these are your last few moments on SimEarth.

Laci: You were my one true love, you know.
Neil: That was stupid of you.

Laci: It really was.

Laci: And will be again.

Neil: Are you sure you want to start something with me? Because if I get you pregnant, I’m pretty sure they’ll pass a law against the baby’s birth.

Neil: Or is this just a scheme to get my money by killing me with sex? Because you are definitely built for it.

Laci: If I wanted to do that, you’d damn well let me.

Laci: Tell me I’m wrong.
Neil: The only thing wrong about you is how right you are.

Neil: Right in the kisser.

Laci: Alright, big man. The moment of truth.
Neil: Dozens of vertebrae crying out in terror.

Neil: I’ll see that your puddle gets a proper burial.

Laci: I’ll help William pick out a nice bottle for you.

Neil: Shut up and hurt me.

CRACK

Neil: LOVE HURTS

Laci: He loves me!
Neil: Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Laci: Are we doing it?

Swing her to the left a little.

Laci: How about now?

Neil: I think that’s done it.

♪ She said you hurt her so ♪

♪ She almost lost her mind ♪

♪ And now she says she knows ♪

♪ You’re not the hurting kind ♪

Neil: My hips beg to differ.

Laci: That’s my Neil! No moment left unkilled.

Laci: Now let’s do that shoulder-punching thing.
Neil: No.
Laci: Kidney-kicking?
Neil: Ow! No!

Laci: You’re no fun.
Neil: I was never any fun.

Neil: And I’m only growing unfunner.

Laci: I think I can change that.

Neil: I don’t, but I’m willing to let you try.

Laci: I’ll just bet you are.

Neil: I hope this isn’t the second time I’ve endagered everyone in the neighbourhood by hugging a chick at the gym.

Neil: Also, honestly, I am totally okay with that naked chick.
Laci: If we’re being honest now, I’m not.

Neil: Not okay with that naked chick, or not being honest?
Laci: I’ll let you decide.

Laci: Look at these fucking people. Pretending to be… well… people.

Laci: Even the playables aren’t a patch on the original batch.

Laci: It’s all been downhill since you and I.
Neil: You sound as old as I look.

Laci: These fucking people make me feel old.

Neil: Okay, well, thanks for a lovely evening, don’t forget to write.

Ricky: What a nice lady.

Neil: Summer bod. Summer bod.

Myrtle: Fuck that. Summer food.

♪ In the summer, in the city ♪

Next time: basically half a chapter that I didn’t get to this time.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 9 June 2012.

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