The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 359

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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Breakneck pace sustained!

Should it be “Nouvelle” instead?


Oh. Right.

Apparently the lot bugged out and I had to delete it?

I think I then recovered a version of it from an earlier backup.

Try not to let the existential dread set in.

Here’s something else that’s going away in this chapter.

Brandi: I’m mad about something.
Laci: Pretty neat, Brands.

Brandi: I’m mad at someone.
Cori: Tell them?

Brandi: Doesn’t anyone care about my vague vagaries?
Corey: I sure don’t, unless one of those words was a synonym for vagina.

Corey: I care about your vagina.

Brandi: Care for it, then.

Brandi: Evil sex is best sex.

Laci: Juggling is good too.


Laci: Haha what.


Brandi: What was that.
Corey: I told her not to work transition when she’s under the overhang.

Brandi: As long as there’s an explanation.

…that closed laptop’s pretty funny, huh?

Ohhh, that makes more sense.

You’re laughing at the credits you can’t see.

I said it makes more sense.

Man, the TV channel movies are, like, Hypercam footage of cellphone footage of Super 8 footage of Mega Bloks.

The Sims universe strongly disincentivizes large screens.

Also I left the walls down in this pic I took to mock the game’s graphics.

Let me just hoist myself up here on this petard…

Corey: But seriously, look at it!
Brandi: Yeah, it’s pretty great!
Corey: LOOK AT IT.

Corey: I made Brandi look at my dick!
Laci: Are you higher than me in our evil organization? Because if you are I’m going to have to kill you.

Laci: We are still an evil organization, right? I’d hate to find out that we’re not. And I know someone else who would hate it even more.

Corey: Are you threatening me with Cecilia? ‘cuz I’m pretty sure she’s busy doing whatever stupid thing she’s doing.
Laci: Well I’m mentally recording every instance of the word “stupid” in this conversation, for use when you turn out to be wrong.

Corey: Look, the plan remains the same. TAUTOLOGY shadows the SCIA and eventually replaces or obsolesces it, so Cecilia can do whatever evil endgame thing Cecilia wants to do.
Laci: And how does you fucking around all day advance that plan?
Corey: I’m playing the long game! And it wouldn’t be a game if it wasn’t any fun.

Laci: DAMN your nonsense is convincing.

Laci: I’m not convinced you’re the right man for this job, but you’re definitely the right man for fucking.

Corey: Oh. Well. I mean, I guess… the bedroom’s over here?

Corey: What’s the occasion?
Laci: I’m putting Iris’ face to bed.

Laci: Literally, and then figuratively.

Corey: As long as you don’t change your vagina. I’m rather partial to those.

Honestly this is what most windows in Sharpesvale look like at all hours.



Corey: Hilarious.


Brandi: Me.

Corey: I think I lost weight.
Laci: I’ve got new muscles!

Corey: Wow. That was so good…
Laci: …that it’s gonna be really hard to make eye contact afterwards.

Corey: Yes.
Laci: Yes.

Laci: Evil sex is best sex.

Laci: And I’m not okay with it.

Corey: I am.

Laci: The work proceeds.

Kea: I got the strangest call when I was at work today. I think someone offered me a club membership?

Yeah, it’s Tautology Club. The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club. That’s not my joke, but I love it.

Laci: Love is in the air.

Corey: Also fluids.

Tyler: I’m, too sexy for this hedge.

Laci: This face is too sexy for me.

Finally going back, huh?

Laci: Well I mean Iris is too associated with Daisy, who is now known to be Cecilia, who is a serial killer.

But doesn’t everyone already know that you are both Laci and Iris?

Laci: Well my face doesn’t need to remind them.

Laci: Besides, I kinda liked my old faaaa-aaaaa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



I guess this is my game’s attempt at a brick joke.

Laci: Maybe I could get a job woodpecking.

Corey: Wanna see a scary monster?

I have half a mind to leave you like this.

Laci: I have half a chin.


Laci: Shut up already.

You still look better than any Sim I’ve seen from TS3.

Laci: That’s true.

Laci: It’s good to be reminded that there are far worse things that can happen to a Sim.

Laci: Pudding skin and pudding face.

Remove face, put on your “mask,” and live your lies.

Laci: Well hello 2010!

Laci: Oh generic face template, I’ve missed you.

I’m glad you’re happy.

I kinda miss the Iris face, though.


Corey: I read about this in a new parenting book.

Corey: Oh, hey, intruder alert.

Laci: Now we don’t have to be awkward! The face that sexed you is dead.

Laci: What do you think? Awesome, right?

Laci: …right?

Corey: Make me a sandwich.

Corey: Please.

Laci: Luckily I’m attracted to misogyny.

Corey: Well it’s not attracted to you.

Corey: Hey, nice of you to drop by.
Kea: The call said I’d be murdered if I didn’t.
Corey: Still nice.

Corey: It would be really mean of you to make me murder someone so hot.
Kea: Aww, that’s so sweet!

Corey: I’m offering you a position in my organization of evil.
Kea: Okay?
Corey: Our secret handshake is a passionate kiss.
Kea: Okay?

Kea: I mean okay!

Corey: Your package will come in the mail! And my package will come in-
Kea: -in me, yeah, I totally saw that one coming.

Kea: It was pretty good, as wordplay goes.

Kea: You are gonna hate their secret handshake.

Corey: Fuckin’ teenagers.

Corey: The fuck you want? I already got a redhead.

Corey: You even real? You look like a jailbait blow-up doll.


Corey: Unfuckable teenagers.

Wren: Wanna bet?

Corey: No?
Wren: Please?

Corey: I’m evil, not evil.

Wren: Just because you’re a bad person doesn’t mean you need to have bad taste.

Wren: You have a dumb girl’s name, too.

Wren: Can’t you read the sign?

That’s a good way to get machinegunned, kid.

What’re we doing here?

Corey: Buying women’s clothing.

Ooh, and hanging around in bars?

Gretchen: It’s so hot that you’re associated with the Lumberjack Song now.

Corey: Is that a wall?
Brady: I think so!
Corey: Cool!

Corey: NOT cool.

Gretchen: You seem freaked out. Are you okay?
Corey: I’m okay.

Corey: You’re starting to piss me off, kid.

Corey: I bought you some clothes?
Laci: Gross.
Corey: You’re welcome.

Laci: Are they good clothes?
Corey: I think they’re good!
Wren: Then they’re bad.
Corey: KID

Laci: Don’t let the little bird disturb you.
Wren: The “little bird” is fierce like goose.

Tyler: Nothing to see here, ma’am.

Spencer Barakat: I’m here now!
Corey: So you are!

Laci: Let’s see what bad ideas you paid for.

Laci: I think the fabric dye is running.

Tyler: Move along, ma’am.

Laci: Man! I’m fuckable.

Spencer: You don’t strike me as the sink-cleaning sort.

Corey: Oh, I’m not cleaning it. I’m collecting deadly germs!



Jizelle: I am legitimately imprezzed.
Corey: Legitimately wash your hands.

Too Uma.

It’s slightly misleading but totally accurate to say that those Aspiration Points are because Spencer was just murdered.

Tyler: Move along my penis, ma’am!

Brandi: No?

Spencer: He struck me after all.

Jizelle: Where did you learn ziz amazing technique?
Corey: Watching Ricky Jay throw playing cards at watermelons.

Corey: Since you’re the only woman here I haven’t fucked today, I’d like to say you’re looking awful fuckable right now.

Corey: Also I seem to have a problem.

Wren: My self-preservation instinct is saying “run” but my stupid teenagerness is saying “get yourself fucking murdered.”

Brandi: It’s handled.



Laci: I mean, as long as I stop now, it’s automatically ultimate.

Corey: Laci! Can you teleport me out? I can’t walk over this fucker.

Laci: What makes you think I can teleport?
Corey: Don’t fuck with me.
Laci: That’s not what you said/did earlier.

The Grim Reaper: HAHAHA GOOD ONE.

Corey: This is a weird origin story for a cleaning-based superhero.

Brandi: Thinkin’ ’bout murder.

Brandi: Murder most fine!

Laci: I’ve seen better. I’ve been better.

Brooke: I am a terrible cop.

So go inside and arrest them?

Brooke: I’d rather be terrible than dead.

Wren: I’d just rather be dead.


Next time: oldagers.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 9 June 2012.

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