The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 358

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which motionless things are set in slightly less motionlessosity.


Be still her beating heart.

This never gets old.

Renée: Beg to differ!

Denied!

Livin’ her best life.

Renée: Oh god, I dreamed I was Renée Newheart.

Renée: What’s the point of even dreaming, then.

Renée: Hey Stephen, it’s, uh, me. Renée.
Stephen: The way you said that I was so certain it was gonna be Mario for a second, and I was so excited.

Renée: Hahaha yeah, that would be quite the phone call!
Stephen: I honestly don’t think I can continue this conversation, I’m too disappointed right now.

Renée: Alright Daisy, if you’ve got an evil plan in mind, get it in practice.

Renée: I am entirely prepared for some bitch cutting.

What a coincidence! Bitch inbound.

Kea McClellan: Mwahaha! Unusually high image quality!

What the fuck, in-game camera? You choose this moment to get your shit together?

Renée: Who are you talking to?

Nobody.

Renée: Maybe we can be nobodies together, then.

Tyler: I mean really, what’s she even got to steal.

Kea: Well maybe I collect penguins?

Kea: Oh so THAT’s what that noise means.

Kea: Hoist by my own retard!

I know, I know. But it was clever so I did it.

Renée: Scusi!

Renée: I wanna get a good seat.

Renée: AUGH! PARTICULATE IN MY ORISONS

That word means “prayers.”

Renée: Really?

Yeah, I looked it up just now. The only thing that actuates me is the desire not to be embarassed.

Renée: Find me a clever word for eyes so I can try again.

Renée: JEEPERS, MY PEEPERS

Renée: Done.

Renée: Hmm. Well, it looks official enough, and it’s dark. If I pull this on I can pull this off.

What?

What?

Renée: What?

What?!

Renée: What what.

Tyler: Alright Twiggy, I hope you intend to be a model prisoner!
Kea: What?
Tyler: Twiggy? The model?
Kea: …what?

Tyler: These windows are stupid, they show nonsense.

Tyler: Because that’s definitely not happening.

Tyler: Stop! In the ♪ naaaaame of love! ♪ I mean the law! Or love! Whichever you’ll obey!

Tyler: Man, neither law nor love?!

Tyler: Uh, so, I guess I’ll call this shift a draw.

Kea: Did that chick just steal your cop car?
Tyler: It’s called a cruiser, and we’re called police.
Kea: Yeah, I’ve got news for you. Only you guys call yourselves that.

Kea: The rest of us call you pi- …what are you doing?
Tyler: Crushing?

Kea: Well okay, as long as we’re awkwardly already on that subject…

Kea: …I’mma go take a shit.

Tyler: I wonder if she’s got any valuables, or if she plows all her money into fatness fuel.

UM.

Tyler: I’m allowed to be body-negative to criminals!

Why?

Tyler: …I don’t understand the question.

Tyler: Alright Tyler, time to put your moves on.

Tyler: IS IT WORKING

Kea: !

Tyler: What?
Kea: I’m gonna look up what your job qualifications are, and suggest revisions.

Tyler: They basically just ask you if you’ll remember to turn off your badge camera before beating someone.

Kea: Your job’s open.
Tyler: Hahaha what.

Kea: I just applied.
Tyler: Hahaha what.
Kea: I just got it.
Tyler: …hahaha?

Kea: Apparently someone saw your cruiser with some random chick driving it and they fired you. You should check your email.

Kea: What, no more dancing?

Tyler: How can YOU take my job?! You’re a THIEF!

Hahaha!

Tyler: WHAT

I just remembered that Keas are birds, and in Dwarf Fortress, keas constantly steal shit!

Tyler: NOT NOW OKAY

Tyler: That job was all I had.

That and your…

Yeah, that job was all you had.

Kea: Well, you blew it.

Kea: Now it’s my turn.

Tyler: Best worst day at work ever!

Kea: Seeing a cop get fired just really turns me on.

Kea: Also blowing a dude in someone else’s kitchen.

Tyler: Not bad, as severance packages go.

Kea: OH GOD YOU’RE NAKED

Kea: Sorry, that’s hard-coded.

Tyler: I’m hard cod-
Kea: Okay no.

Tyler: Well, I guess we live here now.

That’s not how anything wor-

Tyler: WELL I GUESS WE LIVE HERE NOW

Kea: Did you already go through her drawers? Silly question.

Kea: Anything in here under size… fat…?

Kea: Muumuu it is.

I don’t think that’s a muumuu.

Kea: I know it isn’t, but because you don’t know the correct term, neither do I!

Kea: Does it go well with my accessories?

Oh, wow.

You know, she reminds me of Chloe Bennett.

Which makes me feel bad about what’s gonna happen to her.

Kea, not Chloe Bennett.

Kea: I wasn’t listening, was any of that important?

Kea: DAMN YOU MUSCLE MEMORY

Tyler: Hey sexy lady!

Op, op, op op

Tyler: NO.

Kea: Oh, looks like you’re a criminal now. There’s a warrant for you.

♪ Turn and face the strange changes ♪

Tyler: Gonna have to be a different man.

Kea: ♪ Time may change me ♪

But you can’t trace time.

♪ Strange fascinations fascinate me ♪

Tyler: I feel like you’re wasting that song on me.

I feel like I’d be wasting any song on you.

Tyler: Man, I fuckin’ suck.

Kea: ♪ Pretty soon now you’re gonna get older ♪

It was my birthday last week, actually.

Kea: I’d wish you happy belated birthday, but you implied I’m dead in the future.

In fairness, we’re all dead in the future.

Just, most of us later than you.

Kea: Hey man, thanks.

Tyler: Look at this fuckin’ dude!

Kea: DO I HAVE TO

Tasteful! Accidentally, no doubt.

Confirmed.

Well, I’d call this a net improvement.

If you were curvy like Renée it would be a total upgrade.

Kea: I won’t let you counteract our fat jokes! I stand by them.

Tyler: I stand by the garbage.

That’s almost where you belong.

Looks like a great way to sear your dick.

Tyler: Spaghetti boner.

Tyler: Book boner!

Kea boner.

Kea: DON’T WATCH ME SLEEP

Tyler: Oh come ON.

Tyler: You gonna do that for the rest of our lives together?
Kea: We have lives together?
Tyler: I think that’s our best chance to increase our lifespans.
Kea: For you, maybe. From my perspective you’re a serious liability.

She is not wrong.

Tyler: You ruined my book boner.
Kea: You still seem to have it.
Tyler: This is an anger boner.

Kea: Neat.

Kea: Keep your hand there so I don’t get dick on mine.

Kea: What say you and I start somethin’?

Nope, chapter’s over.

Tyler: She’s hot when she swears.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 6 June 2012.

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