The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 356

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which we finally leave Bradleigh and Abigail.

I’m not saying that’s a good thing, but it happens.


But at what cost?

This place has its charms.

Sunny: Yeah, not for me anymore, so much.

Sunny: I think my boyfriend is studying to be a mass-murderer.

Nothing a little you-time can’t fix.

What’ll you do if that ring ends up down the drain?

Sunny: Not be engaged?

Lance: That’s the problem with people these days. Nobody’s engaged.

Lance: They need a sense of purpose.

Sunny: My purpose today is not to think about how purposeless my life has become.

Sunny: Hey Bill! Tell me something terrible.

Sunny: To counteract all the terrible going on over here.

Sunny: Oh, you know. Boyfriend’s an evil warlock. That sort of thing.

Sunny: No, all our stuff is still gone. I think he’s pouring his money into a cauldron to make some evil spell.
William: Harnessing the evil power of money! Clever.

Lance: It smells like feet when you burn it, though.

William: You want me to send someone to check up on him?
Sunny: Would you? Someone expendable, though.

Sunny: ‘cuz he’s a monster.

Sunny: I regret everything.

Lance: You don’t, but you will.

Lance: Like my new barf spell?

Lance: It makes you barf a spell.

Sunny: BARF

Lance: No hard feelings?
Sunny: Only queasy ones.

Lance: I wonder if I can make a magic version of this thing.

Lance: I can’t?!

Lance: What’s the point of absolute power if it’s not actually absolute?!

Sunny: What’s the point of anything.

A common after-work feeling.

Lance: Oh, hey! You’re that hot chick! Let me show you my little green monster.

Sunny: I wonder how long it will be before people stop recognizing these as phones.

No time at all.

Sunny: So, any progress on the Lance front?
William: I’ve got my best operative on it. Now I’d like to operate on you.

Sunny: Does everything need to be wordplay now?

Yes.

Sunny: Well alright then.

Vicki: I’m not sure about this.

You’re not sure about what?

Vicki: Exactly.

Vicki: Say hi to my husband.

Lance: Normalcy achieved.


Sunny: I don’t remember picking you up.
William: I was hiding in the backseat. It’s a spy thing.

I seriously considered making it the glove compartment.

William: Dramatic meeting place much?

Sunny: Can you keep a secret?
William: Thousands of them. Professionally.

Sunny: I think my evil boyfriend has a hot date.

William: Speaking of which, it was a mistake for us to date.

William: Because I literally cannot go ANYWHERE without meeting a girlfriend.

William: HEY KEEP YOUR HANDS OUTSIDE MY HEAD

Aurora: One of these days I’m gonna walk right through you, baby.

William: Alright, cheating time.
Aurora: You’re already cheating.
William: This is different.

William: Backflip and think about the roof.
Sunny: What?
William: Backflip, and think about the roof.
Emmy: Oh god, he’s finally snapped.

William: Do this first.
Sunny: Why?
William: Because culture is power.

William: Specifically, the power of flight.

Sunny: Wait, so how did the Japanese lose the Second World War?!

William: Funny story: the counter for ninjas is nuclear terrorism.

William: Mass murder turns you on, does it?
Sunny: Lucky for you.

William: What’s that supposed to mean?
Sunny: You’ve murdered your fair mass, my man.
William: It’s not murder if it’s legal.
Sunny: Right, it’s worse.

Sunny: Anyway shut up and slop my piehole.

William: “Slop my piehole”?
Sunny: THE “SHUT UP” TAKES PRECEDENCE

Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: Your doors are numbered, day! Shit, let me try that again.

William: Why the sudden burst of affection?
Sunny: Because the other dude in my life keeps casting spells that make me feel like there’s bees in my intestines.

William: Whooooah, back up there. That sounds like domestic abuse.
Sunny: Kinda? Actually, wow, more than kinda.

Sunny: Maybe we could get Abigail to science him to death.
William: She’s busy turning dudes into chicks.
Sunny: Oooh, I could get behind that!

Sunny: Dudes are shit.

Sunny: Maybe we could get Cecilia to murder him.
William: That’s a picture of Penny.
Sunny: Don’t dwell on it.

Sunny: I’m worried that he’s planning something awful and I might not be able to stop him.
William: I’ve been thinking that I need a new plotline lately!

Sunny: Hey, okay, what’s this: I’ve got a gossip memory that says Penny lost a fight to Cameron. Does that make any sense to you?
William: Nothing makes any sense to me anymore. I think the neighbourhood memory is corrupted.
Sunny: Wouldn’t be the only thing.

Sunny: Hey, did you guys ever catch Kaylynn?
William: Who? I don’t know who that is. And I don’t recognize that picture.
Sunny: What?! Kaylynn! The cheerleader you fucked!
William: Did I only fuck the one?

William: …waaaaaait. Are there people pretending to be other people again? Because I all kinds of hate that.

William: Maybe not as much as I’d hate to fall off a roof backwards onto a fence, mind you.

Sunny: I trust you. You’ve got plot armor.

Sunny: And such strong arms.

Sunny: Will you look into my warlock problem for me?
William: Like I said, it’s already been handled.

Sunny: Cool! Handle me now.

Sunny: Tell Captain Sparkles I said “hi.”
William: He was hoping to see you personally.

William: Ah, the one that got away.

You let Sunny get away. By fucking the entire university. And then killing her.

William: Yeah, good times.

William: Good times.

William: I hear time didn’t pass in The Sims.

It’s true.

William: That sounds alright.

Sunny: It sounds terrible. Life is growth.

Life is so growth.

And then she turned him off and he exploded.

William: DON’T MISLEAD

Stewart: Wrong clothes are hot.

Jizelle: Wrong clothez are confuzing.

Sunny: Welp. Back to the foot factory.


Vicki: I wonder if any of these date flowers would make me mad.

If you could collect all the date flowers in the neighbourhood and redistribute them to the right people, you could probably get everyone killed.

Sunny: Sounds like a project.

Vicki: I’ve already got a project, though.

Vicki: Not relishing it, to be honest.

Vicki: Oh my, look who’s hot!
Lance: Are you looking, though?

Vicki: Hahaha don’t touch me, you’re too sexy.

Sunny: I said to send someone expendable.

Vicki’s sort of an expert at expending others.

Vicki: You know what I find really attractive? Evil plans, and hearing about them.

Vicki: I guess flowers are good too.

Lance: Evil flowers.

Vicki: You know, if my husband knew I was here, he’d kill you.
Lance: I’d like to see him try.
Vicki: Oh, you wouldn’t see him.

Lance: If he knew what I was planning, he’d nuke this house.
Vicki: Glurk.
Lance: What?
Vicki: Involuntary action in response to the idea of William with a nuke.

Lance: Let me show you my etchings, baby.

Vicki: More like baby etchings.

Lance: You don’t like it?
Vicki: It’s a child’s painting of a llama.
Lance: Right? Patriotic! Right?

Lance: Okay, it sucks and it’s Sunny’s.

Lance: I like the way you look.
Vicki: I like the way we talk without moving our mouths.

I don’t.

SERIOUSLY

Lance: Ladies, please! No flash photography.

Vicki: It’s for my records.
Lance: Why do you have records?
Vicki: I’m a paroled serial killer. I need photographic evidence of all the people I’ve met whom I haven’t killed.

Vicki: Over one day since my last relapse!

Lance: You’re dangerous! I like that.
Vicki: That’s what my last husband thought! He died.

Vicki: He did come back, though.
Lance: That’s good.

Vicki: Well. Your mileage may vary.

Lance: You really want to know my evil plan?
Vicki: Very much.
Lance: I’m going to convince everyone I have an evil plan, so they won’t see my good plan coming.

William: I didn’t see that coming.

Vicki: Your secret is safe with me.
Lance: You won’t tell your scary husband?
Vicki: If I did, I’d have to tell him what happened next.

William: It’s pretty scandalous.

Lance: You’re a lot of fun, lady.
Vicki: What kind of pillow talk is that?

Vicki: I’m sorry, that was a bad one.

William: Surveillance, man.

Yeah?

William: Sucks.

William: I really hate this green dude.

Lance: Maybe I should kill Sunny and replace her with you.
Vicki: Maybe don’t implicate me in your evil doings.

Vicki: Charming though they may in fact be.

William: Flaws in the plan begin to appear.

Vicki: You’re a pretty happenin’ little dude, little dude.

Lance: Am I little?
Vicki: Pretty little.

Lance: Too little?
Vicki: Too little for what you’re trying to do, I’d say.

Lance: Am I?

Vicki: That was a good trick.
Lance: No.
Vicki: No?

Lance: That was an evil trick.

Vicki: How many mouldering tomes did you have to read before you could learn to grow half a foot?
Lance: They weren’t all mouldering.

Lance: Some of them were booby-trapped.

William: Aurora, if you kick that can, and he turns around, I will kick your can.

Lance: Will I see you again soon?
Vicki: In one capacity or another.

William: Well?
Vicki: He’s a fucking psychopath.
William: Awesome! I love those.

Vicki: So do I.

Vicki: Hey, just wanted to add: maybe don’t murder anybody.

William: That’s good advice.

Lance: It’s not murder if they’re not people.

Vicki: So, I’m thinking genocide.
William: Sounds like genocide.

That would be an awesome black metal band name.

Lance: It’s not genocide if they’re not a gens.

So much Latin, lately.

Sunny: Yeah, it’s a joy.

Sunny: Another day on the funny farm.

Sunny: Minus the funny.

Aurora: This is garbage.

Lance: I know it’s overkill to know ten different murder spells, but sometimes you need to treat yourself.

Sunny: I just had the best worst idea.

What is that thing?

Sunny: Nobody knows.

Sunny: Wanna come set off a ruthless psychopath?

BAD DOG

Good dog!

Kyle: Arf!

Kyle: ack

Kyle: Whew! Nice to see you too!
Sunny: I’m surprised you came!
Kyle: Oh, you can tell?

Kyle: Hahaha oh you meant never mind.

Sunny: But seriously, “Wanna come set off a ruthless psychopath?” and you’re over here lickety-split?
Kyle: I assumed it was a metaphor for sex.

Sunny: You were correct.

Kyle: It runs in the family.

Kyle: Sidewalk blowjobs, though, that’s a family first.

Sunny: You’re such a trailblazer.

Kyle: Thanks for mouthing me off.
Sunny: Come again?
Kyle: Not immediately, I’ll need a minute.

Next time: a babe and her babies.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 4 June 2012.

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