Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
Five Days in May, June Edition!
Getting older by the minute. For now.
Arcadia: So hey, do you guys think-
Arcadia: Okay, but-
Arcadia: I like that he didn’t scream.
Nick: Baby, I make other people scream.
Bradley: If we buy this place and move in, the game won’t crash as often.
Abigail: I don’t think my grant money will cover that extreme an expenditure.
Bradley: You have grant money?
Abigail: Yes! It was granted to me by the ground! At shovelpoint.
Abigail: William loaned me a shovel slave.
Abigail: Yes, I know, it’s a great face.
Bradley: But it’s… a great face.
Abigail: Who knows? Maybe your face will look good, soon.
Bradley: What’s wrong with it now?
Abigail: hahaha what
Abigail: Oh my god, enough with the backrubs already.
Bradley: The Wants panel wants what the Wants panel wants.
Abigail: And it wants you to knead, huh?
That joke doesn’t deserve a kiss.
Cameron: So glad I’m not actually here.
Cameron: …is that my dad?
Bradley: What was that?
The game hating my guts.
Abigail: It has its reasons.
Abigail: If it crashes again how ’bout I blow you in my lab.
Bradley: How ’bout.
Abigail: Gonna talk to yo dick like a phone, my man.
Bradley: Don’t ever do that again.
Sullivan: YES! STEAL HIS ASS!
Bradley: My ass is already yours, beautiful.
Abigail: If only I wanted it.
Bradley: Promise to give me a hot ass for my new body?
Abigail: I’ve had the modellers at Blizzard Entertainment working on it for you.
Bradley: Shall we try this again?
Abigail: Inevitability loves company.
♪ Never even let go of her hand ♪
Bradley: I THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE WITH THAT SONG
But I’m doing a thing!
Bradley: Wanna make out while my date macks on your doppelganger?
Bradley: So, no then.
Sure, why not.
Bradley: Man, how you get so hot?
Abigail: Spilled hot coffee on myself.
Esther: You scared that dude away with your bullshit.
Bradley: Her bullshit brings all the dudes to the table, I’ll have you know.
WHY DO I KEEP MAKING JOKES ABOUT THAT SONG
I HAVE NEVER HEARD THAT SONG
Bradley: That’s a lovely picture you’re miming, dude!
Bradley: To new beginnings!
Abigail: Lame. To happy endings.
Bradley: Oooh. Yes.
Bradley: To dicks inverting and tits firming!
Jerome: No, seriously, what?
Abigail: It’s cool people stuff, Jerry, you wouldn’t understand.
Bradley: Hahaha Jerry.
Noelle: Hahaha fugly.
Jerome: I’m not Jerry.
You are now!
Jerome: There’s already a Jerry.
I’m sure I would have remembered that.
Bradley: It’s gonna crash soon. I can feel it.
Abigail: We should steal shit and kill people, then.
Bradley: Haha yeah! The threat of punishment is the only reason not to be terrible!
Bradley: Let’s gossip about folks nobody remembers instead.
Bradley: This one has a surprise twist ending, though.
Abigail: How is that a twist? A zombie fought someone?
Bradley: The laziest zombie, though!
Abigail: Is that a thing?
Abigail: Let’s make our own thing.
Abigail: By putting our things in each other’s things.
Bradley: I like the way you thingk.
Jerome: That’s it, you need to leave.
Bradley: Sorry, totally, yeah.
Abigail: The wordplay is getting really thick these days.
Well maybe three hundred and fifty-three chapters is a long goddamn time to play things straight.
Abigail: Maybe you should try playing it gay, then.
It’s on the radar.
Cut to Neil perusing ladies’ dresses.
Don: I’m not really here, but it’s probably still illegal to touch me.
Bradley: GEN ONE PARTY
Neil: Why’s he cheating on Ember?!
They’re not married anymore. And why do you care?
Neil: THE WHYS ARE MY LINES
Neil: What were we talking about?
Ally: These aren’t my clothes!
Bradley: Who’d have thought so many of us would still be alive?
Abigail: Fifty-year check-in.
Abigail: Maybe not.
Bradley needs some women’s clothes.
Bradley: BECAUSE I TOTALLY DON’T HAVE ANY ALREADY
What he does with his time is his business.
Fucking robots is still gross though.
Bradley: How is it different from using a vibrator?
FRIDAY: HEY MAN THANKS
Isn’t FRIDAY broken, or in a basement, or something?
Bradley: If you can’t keep track of it, what makes you think we can?
Bradley: Sure, don’t invite me in or anything.
Abigail: I think you’ll like these.
Bradley: Where did you get a female version of my old clothes?
I do not remember.
I’m over here, dude.
Abigail: ♪ I knead you to knead me ♪
Bradley: That’s a crime against punmanity.
Theresa: Oh the pun manatee!
Tiffany: I DON’T LOVE THESE WORD JOKES
Bradley: Oh, hey, it’s Tits McYang.
Bradley: Long time, no Tits!
Bradley: Hahaha, what a Tits thing to do.
For the love of god could you just hit her with ONE of those
Asia has judged you and found you lacking.
Abigail: I’m big in Germany, though.
Bradley: Did I just hear the apocalypse outside?
Asia: What’s “outside”?
Asia: I don’t even know what it’s like on the other side of this counter.
Bradley: Man, calm your tits, Tits.
Yeah, that’s about right.
The monkey routine is a bit much.
FRIDAY: Is she doing a routine? I can’t tell the difference with you apes.
Abigail: Fantastic racism is fantastic.
Bradley: I’d still do her.
Andrew Baity the Atrociously Evil Warlock: *has such a long name that I forget what I’m gonna have him say after I type it*
Abigail: Look dude, I know what this outfit looks like, but I am not your nemesis.
Please don’t look up, you’ll see something you shouldn’t.
Asia: Some day I’ll get out of this prison.
Bradley: Be content with your station.
Bradley: Playables have dumb problems.
Bradley: Coming, Glinda.
Who the fuck is THAT
Neil: Boner mode engaged.
Abigail: Hi house! Bye house!
Barenaked Ladies Guy: Stop touching me.
Bradley: You’ll wish you hadn’t said that when I’m a hot chick.
Nick: Yes! And we can use the turkey baster too.
Bradley: Please don’t ever make me meet them.
Abigail: You might feel differently when you see Nick’s Nick-dick.
Abigail: Speaking of…
Bradley: I thought this was just our crash-plan.
Abigail: The Maker is gonna flip his SHIT if the game crashes again.
I think I might have broken something, last time.
Abigail: I think I might break something.
Bradley: As long as it’s on your end.
Bradley: Please don’t break my end. Off.
Abigail: It’s a pretty good end.
Abigail: Looks like I’m getting what I ordered after all.
Bradley: …oh. The “plate cum” joke. Sorry, old man memory.
Bradley: Also it’s h-h-hard to f-f-focus right n-n-NOWWW
Bradley: As far as final destinations go, this one isn’t bad. For my dick, I mean.
Abigail: Okay, wow.
Bradley: Yeah, sorry.
Abigail: It would have had to be a BIG plate.
Bradley: I’m not cleaning it up.
Abigail: Oh god, do we have to kiss now?
DO YOU HAVE TO KISS NOW?!
It’s a WooHoo kiss.
In the sense that…
I don’t even want to say it.
Please just let’s move on.
Bradley: I think I’m ready.
Abigail: To move on?
Bradley: To move on.
Bradley: Seeing Tits go nuts made me want to tits my nuts.
Abigail: I don’t even know what you’re saying anymore, but please don’t explain.
Bradley: Remind me again why I’m doing this?
Abigail: Because my gender-swap machine uses a lot of fire and I don’t want to smell your gross roast douchebeard. Also your face would catch. Fire.
Bradley: It’s just that this isn’t the most flattering look.
Has it occurred to either of you that this is the face we’re going to make female?
Bradley: Maybe I’ll be a bearded lady.
Bradley: I can join the circus or something.
Abigail: Having second thoughts?
Bradley: Baby, I didn’t get to where I am today by having first thoughts. Let’s do this dumb thing.
Abigail: Alright, well, you go around the back into the conversion chamber and I’ll make the final preparations.
Bradley: I can feel my dick shrinking already.
Bradley: The cold is helping.
So presumably this time you won’t accidentally invert someone’s skintone and collision detection.
Abigail: Yeah, that’s certainly one goal.
Bradley: I’m in!
Abigail: Awesome. Put your feet in the fire vent.
Bradley: Okay. No? Okay.
Abigail: If your feet burn off I’ll just print you new ones.
Abigail: …whew. Okay. We can do this! No Frankensteins. NO FRANKENSTEINS.
Abigail: Just try not to move. After you get naked. Also get naked.
Bradley: Why does this process have to be so unflattering?
So you’ll see how little you’re actually losing.
Abigail: I’ll store that cock in the pattern buffer, for… later study.
Bradley: Hells YEAH you will!
Bradley: So what can I expect?
Abigail: Uh… pain.
Abigail: Some combination of being on fire, being frozen, and being stretched in every possible direction at once. Also that gross aftertaste you get from Pepsi. Maybe Diet Pepsi. It depends.
Bradley: I don’t know if anything’s worth that.
Abigail: Beginning sequence.
Bradley: As long as it doesn’t taste like fluoride.
Abigail: I’m a mad scientist, not a monster.
Bradley: Okay, that’s a LOT of fire.
Abigail: FOOT BACK IN THE FOOTHOLE
Bradley: But it’s HOT in there.
Abigail: Okay, well, if you’re fine with having one dude leg, don’t listen to me.
Bradley: WHEEEEEEE THAT TICKLES
Abigail: Oh? It shouldn’t.
Bradley: WHEEEEEEE WELL IT DOES
Bradley: It’s like I’m stretching forever! But I mean like, that good kind of stretching. Literal stretching, like, when your legs get tired.
Bradley: IT’S PRETTY GREAT
Abigail: Maybe I can find a way to drugify that.
Bradley: I’M A STRETCH JUNKIE
Bradley: IT’S LIKE I’M SHOWERING IN THE UNIVERSE
Bradley: And my dick doesn’t like it.
Bradley: BUT FUCK MY DICK
Bradley: MY CELLS ARE DISCO-DANCING!
Bradley: MORE EXPLOSIONS! MORE EXPLOSIONS!
Bradley: IT’S THE COLD POOL OF MY DREAMS
Bradley: …well that’s an odd sensation.
Bradley: ♪ Dancin’ the balls away ♪
Bradley: …suddenly all of my jokes today seem in bad taste.
Bradley: Also my skin is on fire.
Bradley: And in fire. And of fire. Basically it is fire.
Bradley: So that’s neat.
Bradley: My legs feel funny.
Abigail: As long as it’s “legs,” plural, that’s fine.
Bradley: I suddenly don’t feel personally attacked by the suggestion that people like me can behave better.
Abigail: Let me know when you realize other people don’t exist solely for the satisfaction of your id. We’ll be almost done, then.
Bradley: Oh god, I think I like Ed Sheeran now.
TURN IT OFF
TURN IT OFF
Abigail: Yeah, that’s a bridge too far, man.
Bradleigh: Does my voice sound different?
Abigail: Yes, thank god.
Abigail: Whoops. That’s enough fire.
Abigail: Don’t want to make him more woman than me.
This doesn’t seem like the most efficient layout.
Also you can teleport.
Abigail: Yeah, but that’s no good for dramatic reveals!
Abigail: Dramatic reveals are what separates mad science from regular science.
Can’t get much more dramatic than that.
Next time: much more dramatic than that.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 1 June 2012 to 2 June 2012.