Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which bad Gen 1 fanfiction is real.
Happy Birthday Lumy! I forced myself to finish this because of you.
So it’s your fault if it sucks.
I refuse to use the word “puppers,” even for a joke.
Bradley: So I take it you like blue.
Abigail: Da ba dee.
Bradley: I was expecting maybe a clothes rack? And some makeup.
Abigail: I think you might have misunderstood my intentions.
Bradley: I think I might.
Bradley: So when you said you wanted to make me a woman…
Bradley: You can’t yeah that!
Abigail: I want to physically transform you from male to female. As a sort of proof-of-concept.
Bradley: You want to proof away my concept?!
Bradley: And how long will this last?
Bradley: I’ll get bored with the boobs in a year, tops.
Abigail: You’ll be a woman. You won’t get bored with it. You’ll be it.
Bradley: I was talking about playing with the boobs.
Abigail: You’ll be a woman. You won’t want to play with your boobs.
Bradley: I think you underestimate my affection for boobs!
Abigail: Okay, look. Dude. I am proposing to take you from being a man who likes women to being a woman who likes whatever.
Bradley: Do I get to choose the whatever?
Abigail: Yes! Because that’s how the stupid process should already work.
Bradley: Okay, but what if you make me into a woman and women still treat me like a man and men still treat me like a man?
Ooh, I can answer that one.
Because I might allow serial killers in my world, but I’m sure as hell not gonna have no transphobes.
Bradley: It might be fun to try.
Abigail: Okay, well 1) this is definitely a “do or do not” situation, and 2) as someone who’s already a woman I’m not pumped with you treating this like a hobby to pick up.
Bradley: If I wanna be casual about my gender identity, is that any of your business?
Abigail: …hmm. Did somebody write that for you? Because it sounds too correct to have come out of your brain.
Abigail: Okay, so, come on. You gonna help me make this giant leap for science?
Bradley: If you’re gonna turn my penis into a vagina I’m gonna need a bit more detail first.
Abigail: I am going to take you apart and put you back together as something slightly different. Please ignore that graphic. It is perhaps not the best graphic.
Bradley: I’m not a car, Abigail.
Abigail: Well, of course you aren’t. Cars are useful. You are a Bradley.
Bradley: Damn skippy I am! Bradley Price, creator of such well-loved video games as “U-SUK: Enemy Unfair” and “The Mystery of Capuchin Archipelago!”
Abigail: The remake of USUK was a lot better.
Bradley: Fuckin’ casual.
Abigail: You’ll still be you when you’re a woman. What your body looks like only matters to the extent that it matters to you.
Bradley: Ooh, this is that future liberals want I hear so much about, isn’t it?
Abigail: You’ve lived one life as a dude. Why not experience another kind of Sim existence?
Bradley: I have often wondered if I’d enjoy getting dicked as much as I enjoy dicking.
Abigail: Well, uh, cool! Maybe some of my work was already done by nature.
Bradley: What if I want to be a chick who dates chicks?
Abigail: Who cares? Go for it!
Bradley: What if I want to be a chick who dates dudes and dates chicks?
Abigail: Are you from the south or something? NOBODY SHOULD CARE BUT YOU.
Bradley: What if I want to be a dude again afterwards?
Abigail: …I mean if it works I could just change you back.
Bradley: What’s the drawback to this?
Abigail: WHY SHOULD THERE BE A DRAWBACK
Bradley: This just all seems too utopian.
Abigail: Ooh, big words!
Bradley: I’ve made life simulators. But seriously! You make it sound like I get to decide what kind of person I feel like, and then be that person!
Abigail: Why is that so hard to understand?
Bradley: Because the Maker’s snide comments throughout the years have suggested that the real world stomps on difference and choice and happiness?
Abigail: Well think of it this way, then: our simulation is a (very fucked-up) form of art. If we be the change we want to see in the real world, maybe life will imitate us?
Abigail: I also just want to point out that this is way more philosophical than a typical pervy gender-swapping storyline and it’s getting kinda weird.
Bradley: Fine, let’s shake on WAIT YOU THINK I’M HOT?!
Abigail: IGNORE IT AND JUST SHAKE
In free camera mode?
Never clip through a mirror.
Abigail: I should have predicted this.
Abigail: Why did you zap me?
Bradley: To remind you that you’re going to use a complete dickwad to make this important step for science. And also to disorient you so I can stare at your boobs.
Abigail: Oh, Bradley. You’re alright, in small doses, spread across the vast gulf of decades.
Bradley: And now we’re dancing.
Abigail: Well I did accidentally reveal my attraction to you.
Bradley: I don’t remember saying I might be attracted to you.
Abigail: Let’s just say I know why you wear clothes that are baggy around the crotch.
Bradley: I do like me a sexy lady.
Abigail: Maybe you’ll like being one even more!
Bradley: Had to say it, didn’t you.
Abigail: Tell you what. We can take your masculinity on one last joy-ride, and then you’ll have something to compare your femininity to.
Abigail: I have the body of a thirty-year-old and the sexual prowess of almost a century.
Bradley: Now you’re spreching my Deutsche!
Abigail: I could use a good workout, anyway.
Abigail: I don’t know why I like you all of a sudden. Maybe it’s that “you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone” thing, only I’m smarter than everyone else so I’m recognizing your value just before you change.
Bradley: Let me just issue a tentative “thanks” while I work out the ramifications of that statement.
Abigail: Don’t thank me with words. Thank me with something you’re good at.
You’ve got some oil on your thumb.
Abigail: I’ll wipe it on his toilet-paper jacket.
Abigail: I kid, I kid! It’s more like paper towel.
Abigail: Man! Haven’t been kissed in a while.
Bradley: It’s a shame to waste that lovely face.
Abigail: Oh! That’s right. Dudes saying shit like that is the reason I don’t bother anymore.
Abigail: Now tell me I should smile more.
Bradley: You’d be hot even if you gurned.
Abigail: Whew, though! That was intense.
Bradley: Yeah, I think I have a rubberized-science-suit-groping fetish now.
Abigail: If you’re still into rubber when I womanize you, let me know and I’ll make you some appliances.
Abigail: You’ll love what I can do with electronics.
Bradley: Let’s leave love out of this for now.
Abigail: Aw, Bradley. I leave love out of everything for always.
Bradley: With what you’ve got that’s a hate crime against men.
Abigail: When we replace you dudes entirely with technology, I’ll remember comments like that in order to not feel bad about it.
Abigail: Your old man hands do not feel as good on my face as my face feels on your old man hands.
Bradley: Well there’s some things these old man hands can do better.
Abigail: I’ll let you keep that delusion.
Abigail: If only because disillusioned kissers kiss badly.
Abigail: P.S. my hands grope better than your hands.
Meanwhile OFF THE HOOK
What weird mood was I in that day, to make something like this happen?
Abigail: I’m glad I’ve gotten so smart that I can be philosophical about snogging your ugly ass.
Bradley: I’m glad too.
Abigail: So, I heard… that you…
Bradley: I do.
Bradley: Show me a good time and I’ll show you.
Abigail: I wonder if I still have any normie clothes.
Bradley: I thought you’d just keep the science suit on.
Abigail: I want you concentrating on my face.
Abigail: What do you think?
Bradley: Yeah, I guess that’s what the exceptional think the unexceptional look like.
Bradley: Don’t know why you’d want to look that way, but hey, I’m no judge.
Abigail: Well I think it’s a lovely overcoat.
Bradley: I’m more interested in what’s under it.
Bradley: And also I’m preoccupied.
Bradley: We have, like, zero chemistry. That’s pretty bad for my last date as a dude.
Bradley: Can’t you get me Ember or something?
You were out of her league when you were MARRIED to her, and she’s IMPROVED since then.
Abigail: Don’t feel bad because you haven’t improved, Bradley.
Bradley: I have improved!
Abigail: Don’t feel bad because you self-delude, Bradley.
Bradley: I like what a bitch you are.
Abigail: I like your fat old man ass.
Abigail: Nah, but it’s easier to reach for than compliments are.
Bradley: Ohhh no.
Might as well make the most of it.
Especially with so much least-making going on.
Bradley: It’s almost night. That is to say, it’s almost night-on-the-town-o’clock.
Bradley: Haha so remember Kaylynn?
Abigail: No! Who’s that?
Bradley: Some cheerleader. Who isn’t the face in that bubble. So that’s weird.
Bradley: She was a bitch in a basement with me once.
Abigail: Everything is hilarious with enough detail omitted.
Bradley: She didn’t like an unlikable guy.
Abigail: Bitches, man!
Bradley: Look how long my nose is.
Abigail: I’m having mixed feelings about this outing.
Abigail: Wait! I can treat it like an anthropological study! I’m good now.
Bradley: Wow. Been a long time.
Abigail: I got engaged here, once.
Bradley: Oh yeah?
Abigail: Yeah, so I can’t get engaged here again. This choice was a safety precaution.
Bradley: Come ON, woman.
YOU’RE NOT HERE
Abigail: What’s your favourite food? Mine’s plate cum.
Wait. I think your waiter is the SCIA chief?
Keith: It doesn’t pay as well as you’d think.
Being the SCIA chief doesn’t pay as well as I’d think!?
Keith: Nah, silly! Waitering doesn’t.
Whatever let’s just roll with it.
It’s not the only ridiculous thing happening right now.
Bradley: Plate cum and mystery meat, my good man!
Keith: Excellent choices sir! The plate cum is extra translucent tonight.
Bradley: I propose a toast.
Gavin: I propose a found-art exhibit.
Bradley: To old friends!
Bradley: Acquaintances, then!
Bradley: To contemporaries!
Abigail: I’ll drink to that!
Gavin: Soak it in, Philistines!
Wait, are you sneaking?
Why are you sneaking.
Keith: Um, duh? I’m a spy?
Bradley: Did we eat it? Was it good?
Abigail: Let’s pretend to be youthful!
Bradley: Even if it kills me!
Bradley: I think it might kill me, Abigail.
Bradley: Your concern is so touching. And evident.
Sinjin: I wonder how much he’s paying her.
Bradley: So much.
Abigail: The lesser-known magic dragon!
Bradley: Well. You do have a sense of occasion.
Abigail: I’m pretty epic.
Bradley: You’re epic pretty.
Abigail: I am, am’t I?
Abigail: And yet this is what I’m doing with it.
Abigail: …sorry. Left my snark filter on.
Bradley: I can’t make out the display, but it’s oh-fuck-yeah o’clock!
You know things are going well when there’s two o’clock jokes in one chapter.
Bradley: I SHOULD HAVE SAID COCK O’CLOCK
Nick: We’re doing what now?
Bradley: Where’d the coat go?
Abigail: Alternate timeline.
Leonard: Hey, awesome! Gross! Mom.
Bradley: More like awesome hot mom! Momma.
Can she even feel that?
Abigail: My suit is calibrated to make even his shit massages feel great.
Abigail: I guess you didn’t need to hear that.
Abigail: I’m not so good at this whole “other people” thing.
Bradley: Aw, but Abigail… heaven is other people.
Bradley: HAHAHA JUST KIDDING
“Penny”: Hey, you’re alive! I don’t know if I should know that you were dead or not.
Venkat: Hey it’s that guy.
Bradley: HOW are you looking at ME right now
Bradley: Some people have no taste.
Abigail: You’ve got a lot of nerve saying that, what with the facial hair decisions you’ve made over the years.
Abigail: Not that we haven’t all made some not-so-fantastic decisions.
Bradley: Is this date one of your worse ones?
Abigail: Not remotely, but that’s not as flattering a fact as you’d think.
Abigail, on the other hand, was one of my best decisions.
And yet look what I’ve done to her.
Abigail: It’s not so bad, honestly.
Abigail: Hahaha I’m so good at compliments.
Bradley: Of love.
Bradley: Of like?
Abigail: Yeah! Inexplicably, yeah!
Bradley: It’s pretty explicable on my end.
Bradley: Hey baby, let me show you my end.
Bradley: I mean the end of my penis.
Abigail: I had no idea.
Abigail: See now this guy knows how to rock the whole silver fox angle!
Bradley: If I’d taken my wife’s name I would literally be a silver Fox.
Abigail: That wasn’t clever. That barely qualifies as trivia.
Bradley: We can’t all be mad scientists.
Some of us can’t even walk.
Bradley: So, plate cum.
Abigail: Maybe it’s actually shaving cream? With some blood on it.
Abigail: What is yours, even?
Bradley: It looks like a bundle of cherries pickup from some old Super Nintendo game.
Bradley: Incoming anime.
Abigail: If I kiss him, do you think he’ll turn into an anime prince?
Bradley: He does have a froggy sort of face!
Abigail: BETTER THAN SOME I’VE SEEN
Abigail: Did you know she made an enemy?
Bradley: Is this just the same story I told you earlier?
Abigail: Probably but it’s too late to stop now.
Abigail: I’m pretty randy right now.
CRITICAL JOKE FAILURE
Next time: we get through it without fucking crashing.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 31 May 2012 to 1 June 2012.