The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 351

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which things get weirder.

And then get weirder.


Tomorrow’s Tomorrow, Tomorrow!

Arcadia: Alright mads, make me super.

Abigail: You don’t seem worried. You should seem at least a little bit worried.
Arcadia: If I wasn’t meant to be super, then why have I spent my entire life saying that word so often it made people stop being my friend?

Abigail: Right, well, anyway. I made some modifications to the lab.

Abigail: The Conversion and Creation Chamber is where the magic, so to speak, will happen. It’s sealed with an impermeable membrane of visible and invisible lasers, mostly to see the looks on people’s faces if they try to be smart-alecks and pass through the gaps.

Abigail: The chamber is accessed through a hallway in which my many accomplishments are detailed for all, or in this case you to see.

Abigail: The lab is set up to run on the coal plant grid, my custom wind turbines, solar power, and even a lightning strike at the moment of crisis. Because it wouldn’t be mad science without lightning. Or crises.

Abigail: I’ve rigged up an old Re-Nu-Yu system to let me shape and re-shape Sim bodies to my exacting specifications.

Arcadia: I have to admit, while I am impressed, the fact that you’re still making screwdriver modifications to the thing this close to zero hour is causing me some concern.

Tiffany: Well look who’s a fancy-pants.

Abigail: This is a quantum screwdriver. I can access the machine’s internals without having to pass through the intervening objects. I developed it while I was figuring out how to scramble your molecules into a more powerful and yet still very much not dead form.

Noelle: At least my face is warm. Because blood is warm.

Abigail: I’m going to superheat your atoms, alter the strong force in your quarks, and do other things that don’t technically make sense or seem at all well-researched.

Abigail: And it’s going to work because I’m a genius, dammit.

Abigail: If my calculations are correct I’ll be un-binding your body from the rules of the material plane, giving you complete control over the atoms within you, and any you come in direct contact with.
Arcadia: Yeah, cool, that sounds good. Neat.

Jizelle: Zometimes being a zoooperero iz about more zan juzt powairz.

Arcadia: I’m ready for my charge-up, Ms. Young!

Abigail: You do realize this is dangerous, right? You shouldn’t do it if it’s just to impress William. You shouldn’t do anything if it’s just to impress William.

Abigail: I’m really smart, sure, but there are a lot of wacky variables in here and I’ve had to make some (admittedly well-) educated guesses.
Arcadia: Anyone who can properly pronounce a hyphenated word bisected by parentheses is someone I trust with my molecules.

Abigail: Okay, well, it’s your funeral. Assuming there are any remains. Haha.

Abigail: No guarantees.
Arcadia: Tell them I want my epitaph to read “She dared to be super.”

Arcadia: Alright, this leg cramp is my cue to become more than I am.

Arcadia: Try not to cook me, okay?

Abigail: Yes. We’re making a bodyguard, not a cake.

Arcadia: I’m ready!
Abigail: How did you know the invisible lasers were off?
Arcadia: ‘cuz I got through.
Abigail: Oh. Well, you know what they say: “Who dares is an idiot.”

Abigail: Stay away from the marshmallow roasters.

Arcadia: Should I take my clothes off?
Abigail: Nah. They’re ugly, I’m gonna dematerialize them.

Abigail: Alright, time to either make history or the six o’clock news.

Arcadia: Okay, well, I’ve prepared a short speech.

Arcadia: This is one giant leap for Simkind.

Arcadia: The only things we have to fear are scary things.

Abigail: Keep going, it’ll hurt less if you’re distracted.

Abigail: Hold onto your atoms.

Abigail: Then release them.

Arcadia: This is fine.

Abigail: The trick is to boil all of you at once, not just your blood and eyeballs.

Arcadia: UHHHHHHHHH it’s getting pretty hot in here…
Abigail: Everything’s nominal. I’mma go read a book.

Arcadia: IS IT A SHORT BOOK

Arcadia: I just realized how fond of my atoms I’ve become

Arcadia: ABIGAAAAAAAIL

Arcadia: I USED A LOT OF HAIRSPRAY TODAY

Arcadia: I think I can smell everything I’ve eaten recently. It smells like it’s just been cooked again.

I thought you were gonna read?

Abigail: I just said that to freak her out.

Abigail: I didn’t realize how well she’d excite those electrons on her own.

Arcadia: I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THIS SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA

Arcadia: I CAN SMELL MY THOUGHTS BURNING

Arcadia: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Arcadia: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

thssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

Abigail: Hmm. That’s at least two s’s more than there should be.

Arcadia: One for each article of clothing.

Not wearing any underwear?

Arcadia: AND IT’S A DAMN GOOD THING LET ME TELL YOU

Arcadia: OH GOD
Abigail: Ride the lightning, baby!

Arcadia: Okay, let’s not… you can…
Abigail: It’s almost done, don’t be a wuss.

Arcadia: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Arcadia: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Arcadia: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Arcadia: …did it work? Am I super?

!

Abigail: …!

!!!

Abigail:yes?

Arcadia: I definitely feel different.

Arcadia: This floor is a lot smoother than I thought it would be. Did you give me floor-smoothing powers? Accidentally?

Arcadia: Or on purpose? I don’t mean to imply that anything went wrong because obviously nothing did.

Arcadia: …why are my legs black.

Arcadia: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO

Arcadia: Uuuuuuugh it feels like the Doctor Who theme in my head.

Abigail: I am not yet willing to say this wasn’t all according to plan.

Arcadia: If I’ve got super-strength I’m gonna haul you through this glass, Dr. Finkenstank!

Arcadia: OH MY GOD YOU GAVE ME ALWAYS-ON-FIRE POWERS

Arcadia: THIS IS NOT THE HOT ASS I WANTED

Arcadia: OH NO MY WEIRD NAKED SKIN

Abigail: Now fire, regular fire I can fix.

Abigail: Suppression system engaged.
Arcadia: Maybe this oil slick shit will wash off.

Arcadia: CLEANSE ME

Arcadia: …or go right through me, sure, that works, I guess.

Arcadia: I am not wet right now in so many ways.

Abigail: Don’t be such a drama queen.

thsst

Abigail: …what did you just do?

Abigail: What did you just do.

thsst

Arcadia: Were these lasers always fake?

Arcadia: Is this a practical joke? Because it is very practical.

thsst

Arcadia: Wow! Holograms. Coulda told me that sooner.

Arcadia: Is this black goop holographic too? That seems like a lot of technology to waste just on making me crazy.

Abigail:

Abigail: …without thinking about it, just… following your instincts, clear your mind, come here for a second.

thsst

Arcadia: Yeah, what? What you want?

Abigail: …does that hurt?
Arcadia: …! Does what hurt? HAVING SUPERPOWERS? NO IT DOES NOT!

Abigail: So… you’re… happy with this result?
Arcadia: I can walk through walls! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!

thsst

Abigail: Want to know why you can walk through walls?
Arcadia: Nope!
Abigail: ‘cuz, I mean, I do… want to know, I mean.

Arcadia: Just let me get rid of this Finkenstank, alright?

Jizelle: What waz all of zat screaming about?

Turns out that’s what evolution sounds like at ten million times speed.

Arcadia: More like ten billion.


Jizelle: Why are you mopping outzide?
Abigail: Honestly it’s an excuse to breathe clean air and not think for a few seconds.

Arcadia: Now this is what I call money well dug!

♪ Sometimes the world begins to set you up on your feet again ♪

♪ And oh, it wipes the tears from your eyes ♪

thsst

♪ How will you ever know, the way that circumstances go ♪

thsst

Aw, look who’s experimenting with static camera angles!

To horrifying effect.

I’m so proud.

Arcadia: Not sure how pleased I am with the aesthetic effect.

Eh, put some clothes and makeup on, nobody will notice.

Arcadia: What?! And hide all this awesome body bling?!

thsst

Arcadia: ♪ Oh, it’s gonna hit you by surprise ♪

thsst

Arcadia: DEAL WITH IT

Abigail: Luckily they’re all too self-absorbed to notice.

Tiffany: So hey, did you create a monster?
Abigail: Yeah.
Tiffany: Cool.

Tiffany: Hey, lady. Nice hat.

thsst

thsst

thsst

Arcadia: I hope you’re copy-pasting that.

Nah, I type it out special every time. It’s not every day you’ve got a living black hole that walks through walls.

Arcadia: It will be now!

Arcadia: Took a lot out of you, huh?
Abigail: Yeah. If I wasn’t immortal that would have been years off my life right there.

Arcadia: Well I can tell you William will be very pleased.
Abigail: That clearly means more to you than it does to me.

Arcadia: What’s with the scary skin, though?
Abigail: Messing around with the Sim character data, I found a reference to something called “backfaces.” I guess that’s the side of polygons you don’t usually see? I didn’t know that because I don’t do computer modelling because computer modelling is for losers like game developers.

Abigail: Anyway I… what are you doing.
Arcadia: No, go on, it’s fine.

Arcadia: Ooh, that does feel good.

Arcadia: Go on!
Abigail: While you’re orgasming half-inside me?
Arcadia: Sure!
Abigail: …so anyway I misunderstood and thought it was just, like, supposed to be a negative of your actual skin, so I inverted your skintone and applied it.

Abigail: WHEEEEEE! So, when my molecular alterations took effect, it looks like they inverted all your vertices, so the backfaces became frontfaces, and the texture got corrupted somehow, and since backfaces aren’t real you can walk through stuff.
Arcadia: I didn’t understand most of that, and what I did understand was nonsense.

Abigail: Well anyway I think you can ignore molecular weights now? And maybe you can decide not to, as well. I mean if you’re not sinking through the floor and if you can sit in that chair it must work that way.
Arcadua: Yay limitations!
Abigail: Limitations? More like even more superpowers.

Abigail: Imagine walking right into one of those schmucks outside and then partially becoming solid.

Bernard: I’m partially becoming solid.

Bernard: Which of these chicks are free and which are pay.

Arcadia: I’m surprised you haven’t flash-frozen me and put me in a jar.

Abigail: Well you seem like a decent enough person. I’m sure you won’t use your infinitely-exploitable new powers for anything nefarious.

Abigail: Hi! I lost like all my Aspiration Points just now in lieu of pissing myself. Date me.

Jizelle: Take ze deal, moan amy.

Bernard: You are hot. Do you know that?
Abigail: Okay, conversation is obviously out.

Abigail: You remind me of my ex.
Bernard: Is that good?
Abigail: No, but it’s a good kind of bad.

Abigail: Frankly I’m feeling glad to be alive, and unabsorbed by a walking singularity.

Back it up a bit. I thought you said something about backfaces, and inverted textures?

Abigail: Yeah, well, when you accidentally and inexplicably turn someone into a perpetually-collapsing star, you can make your own decision about whether or not to tell them.

Abigail: That’s what I just did, by the way.
Bernard: Awesome.
Abigail: Don’t tell.

Abigail: I’m a mad scientist. That’s my lab.
Bernard: I had my suspicions, you know. Based on what you’re wearing. And what I’ve been hearing. And the fact that you’re world-famous for being precisely that one thing.

Abigail: So my reputation precedes me!
Bernard: Far enough that I know this isn’t gonna go anywhere.

Bernard: SO I’MMA ROCK OUT WITH MY COCK OUT WHILE I CAN

Abigail: Tell your friends!

Bernard: How many more points you need?
Abigail: An intimate amount.

Bernard: Well before you get your fill let me just say that I’m a huge fan of yours.
Abigail: That’s good to hear!
Bernard: And I would love to be able to control my own molecules.
Abigail: That’s too bad to hear.

Bernard: I had to ask. Maybe today was superpower handout day!
Abigail: One storyline at a time, dude.

Jizelle: Did you zee zat ghost come through ze wall?!
Tiffany: Ghosts ain’t no news no more!

Bernard: Do I at least get a kiss for being such a useful sex object?

Abigail: I will grant you that one wish, as I’m feeling flush with triumph.
Bernard: If I knew I had a wish I’d have shot for the moon with it.

Abigail: Hmm. Space travel! Something else to peck away at.

Bernard: You’re a national treasure, Abigail.
Abigail: Hopefully nobody decides to bury me.

Abigail: Though it might be fun to see them try.

Bernard: Thanks for lowering yourself to my level.
Abigail: It was quite the stretch.

Abigail: But hey, humility’s like any other bad food. You need to try it once in a while to remind yourself why it’s not for you.

Tiffany: Did you fart?
Jizelle: Non!
Tiffany: It’s pronounced non, not “non,” and you did so.

Jizelle: Zo I deed.

Abigail: Don’t forget to visit our gift shop.

Bernard: I’ve already got souvenirs enough to last me a lifetime.

Abigail: I made that lame man’s day!

Arcadia: So hey, unless I’m radioactive or something, can we leave the scene of the crime already?

Abigail: Everybody fuck off! I don’t want you seeing something that might prompt you to call the authorities.
Bernard: I’m an authority.

Bernard: Wait, what the fuck is…
Arcadia: Read her book when it comes out.

Abigail: I’ve already had three books come out, thank you very much.

Arcadia: I think I’ll get my own, still.

Sure, sure, pretend nothing happened.

Arcadia: Should I stick around a bit, make sure I don’t go supernova or something?
Abigail: Sure. Let’s treat this like a very high-tech flu shot.

Kyle: Hi mom! Hi nightmare!

Arcadia: I’ll take that as a compliment.

What doing?

Abigail: Got my funding, got an experiment under my belt.

Abigail: It’s time to start the real project.

Abigail: Grey eyes, long skinny dick, lazy as fuck. You know who I want.

The Grim Reaper: JUST A SECOND. HE’S SHOWING ME HOW TO PLAY PIKMIN.

Abigail: Grimmy has a GameCube?

Bradley: Grimmy has a GameCube emulator, baby!

Bradley: I stole it from Nintendo’s servers when I was making Wii shovelware for them.

Bradley: Also YAY not dead now.

Bradley: …why did you do this, though? At least my family members have some misaimed affection for me.

Abigail: Woo! Bradley’s back! Always liked that dude!
Bradley: There must be a huge ask coming next.

Bradley: Alright, spill the beans. What morally-dubious plan is kicking around in your oh-so-sexy upstairs?

Abigail: You know, you’re kinda cute.
Bradley: I do know that.

Bradley: Not that I’m complaining, but I’ve been in a basement before and it was not good times.

Abigail: You’re not a prisoner or anything.
Bradley: I’m just saying I watched people piss themselves, pass out, and die, so if you’re angling for a favour this place might not be the best accompaniment to your pitch.

Bradley: So hey, how’s my wife?
Abigail: Oh, she’s dead.

Abigail: OH SHIT SORRY

Abigail: We’ve got a lot of catching-up to do.
Bradley: You can start with the thing you’re trying to say last.

Abigail: I want to dissassemble you.
Bradley: On a first date?

Bradley: Why’d you bring me back if you’re just gonna kill me again?
Abigail: I’m not gonna kill you. I’m gonna put you back together as a woman.

Bradley: …this is definitely not a basement conversation.

Bradley: And wherever we’re going, you’re buying.
Abigail: What am I buying?
Bradley: Time.

Bradley: Show me a good one and maybe you’ll convince me.
Abigail: Maybe you’ll convince yourself.

Next time: maybe he does?

This chapter depicts gameplay from 30 May 2012 to 31 May 2012.

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