Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which breaks are taken, and given.

You’re gonna want to get used to this place, guys and gals et cetera.

Abigail: Did you just et cetera non-binary people?

Did you just get another treasure chest?

Abigail: You first.

Yes, I guess I did. Alright. Ahem. “You’re gonna want to get used to this place, LGBTTQQIAAPs.”

Abigail: I think that leaves out “straight” people.

The second “a” is for “ally.” Anyone who’s straight and not at least nominally allied, I have no trouble leaving out.

Yes! Good. This chapter started out a little heavy on the liberal soapboxing, let’s mix it up with some Keystone Cops shit.

Leonard: Is there room in that acronym for people who are attracted to spandex?

Let’s pretend that’s what the little “s” at the end was for.

Leonard: Yes. I am spandexual.

So?

Abigail: I mean your question wasn’t really a question, was it? Yes, having had two treasure chests before and having three now, I did indeed acquire another.

Abigail: In fact, my collection is expanding faster than the sexuality acronym!

Arcadia: Damn good hole, this.

Deborah: Can’t you arrest her for, like, blocking a fire route or something?
Nathan: Why, you planning on starting another fire?

Abigail: Gotta keep my Nature hobby up.

Arcadia: You got up.

Abigail: And so I killed her.

Abigail: Arcadia! Come prove I didn’t kill you.

Arcadia: Aw, but I’m rockin’ this right now! As in I just got another rock.

Abigail: Alright! Thank you! You’ve successfully raised enough cash to cover all my research expenses for the next year.
Arcadia: So you’re gonna make me super now?
Abigail: You’re obviously no academic if you’re more excited about results than funding.

What’s the total take, anyway?

Abigail: Ah… §61 138, I think.

Holy shit.

Let me do some computing.

Actually that’s about the same price in real-world money, in terms of buying things. It’s just that real estate and construction costs are significantly lower.

Arcadia: So what did I earn in Build Mode terms, then.

Uh… like… seven and a half million dollars.

Arcadia: I’ll take that conversion rate, please!

Abigail: So how strong we talkin’? Golden Age Captain Hero strong? Silver Age MaxisMan strong? What?

Arcadia: However much strong I dug out of your hole, please.

Arcadia: I don’t know why that sentence came out that way.

Abigail: We have clearly spent too much time in the lab.

Abigail: I declare a let-loose day.

Arcadia: First let me chop up these pun generators.

Abigail: Leave it. I like the unkempt look. I’m already messing too much with the mad scientist trope by not working in a decaying castle.

What a cynical deployment of the word “family.”

Arcadia: We seem to have picked up a stray.
Abigail: I do have that tendency.

Abigail: Don’t encourage them, please.

Brooke: I wonder what she meant about strays.

Yeah, me too.

Brooke: I’m naked. Come over.
Nick: Can my friend come over too?
Brooke: What? No. Maybe? No.

Abigail: It is so much easier to write when you’ve got grant money.

Preach it, colleague.

That’s a dead-end street, buddy.

Nick: How is she gonna die? She’s a receptionist.

At a prison.

Nick: Ohhhhhh.

Myrtle: hahaha what

Have I expressed my pleasure at not having to upload half of these pics to some shady porn site anymore, recently?

Nick: I would like to join you in expressing my pleasure.

BONK

Nick: I bonked you.

Myrtle: Bonking in the streets, what’s happening to this neighbourhood.

Brooke: It’s improving.

What could you possibly know about Victoria.

Even her statue is less social than the other statues.

Brooke: She lost Neil Sharpe as her best friend!

That’s one way to look at it.

Myrtle: What’s up, guv?
William: Just droppin’ some flowers.
Myrtle: Gonna come in?
William: God no.

If he’d known he was passing up nudity…

Such fluffy hair.

Myrtle: Bang! If I were a criminal you’d be dead.
Brooke: You’re trespassing.
Nick: So she is a criminal!
Brooke: So I am dead?

Brooke: I don’t feel dead.

Brooke: Okay, this isn’t my bedroom but whatever.

Nick: You’re aware those doors lock, right?

Brooke: Go stand behind a counter, NPC!

Nick: That was racist.
Brooke: It was a heated courting moment.

Brooke: Also NPCs aren’t a race.
Nick: I just wanted to mention racism to set the Maker off.

I think we should use racists for biofuel. Come back at me.

Or sure, come back at each other. That’s probably a better idea.

Brooke: We’re eightfriends now. I think that’s what that means.

Brooke: Hahaha relationships suck.

Brooke: Of course, I suck too.
Nick: Heh, was that an offer?
Brooke: Yes.

Nick: I didn’t expect that answer, but I was prepared for it.
Brooke: I like a man who’s prepared!

Brooke: Aw, look at the little guy!
Nick: Hey! You probably just haven’t ever seen a flaccid penis before. They’re usually stuck erect around here.

Brooke: Holy shit! What a magic trick!
Nick: You should see what else it can do.

Brooke: I’m more of a tactile learner.

SHUNK.

Brooke: A perfect fit! I’ll take it.

That’s quite the skintone seam you have there.

Nick: So fix it.

Meh.

Brooke: What are you looking at?
Nick: The church.
Brooke: Feeling religious, are you?
Nick: If what I’m feeling is religion then I’m ready for the second coming.

Brooke: That was fucking ridiculous.

Brooke: Luckily I’m into ridiculous fucking!

Nick: Ooh, look who’s enough of a character to get a decorated bedroom!

Brooke: I just wanted you to see that I’m a real person.
Nick: I love you twice now. I think that’s what that means.

Myrtle: My boss asked me to see if Iris White is still around. She’s been spotted hanging about. And apparently she’s actually his ex-wife?
Kyle: Don’t get plot in my porn!

Kyle: In fact don’t get anything in my anything.

Tiffany: You can put your anything in any of my anythings.

Kyle: It smells like naked strangers in here.

Brooke: SEX!

It’s forehead-creasin’ good!

Brooke: WINDOWS!
Nick: Are we done here, or something?

Brooke: Hey you know Franklin Murphy?
Nick: In the sense that I know of Murphies in aggregate, sure.

Brooke: He cheated.
Nick: Wait, do I need to know specific details here? Because to me a Murphy is just that spiky haircut and a vaguely-defined whitedudeness.

Brooke: He cheated on Mallory! Or maybe Mallory cheated on him? I dunno I just like gossip.

Brooke: I fucked his dad once, you know.

Nick: Yes, let’s keep the topic squarely focused on fuckin’.

Arcadia: I guess this is my room now?

Huh?

Oh, sure.

I was distracted by your lack of genitals.

Man, this is the most quotable story ever written, isn’t it? I think it is.

Arcadia: I’m keeping a tally of every time you snore, so as to exact precisely-measured revenge once I get my superpowers.

Arcadia: Maybe I should ask for the power to stop snoring! I could save so many marriages.

Kyle: SNORRRRRRRRK

SLAM

Arcadia: Sorry, did I wake you?
Kyle: SNORRRRRRRRK

SLAM

Arcadia: How about now?

That doesn’t cover your non-genitals.

You know what, never mind.

That was stupid thing to say.

So you’re wearing Sunny’s old pajamas.

Arcadia: Buy me new clothes, if it’s a problem!

Ugh… load a community lot…

Arcadia: I’ll ask Abigail to give me a distinctive look as part of my superpowers, how’s that.

Nick: Hold still, there’s a bug on your back.

Brooke: Alright, put your thing in my invisible thing.

Brooke: Thaaaaat’s it, boy, edge in closer.

Ugh, this animation again?

Brooke: Make your own, if you’re so good.

I will!

Six years from now.

Brooke: I hope I’m alive to see that.

I hope I am too.

I hope anyone is.

Nick: Get your apocalyptic nonsense out of my bonking, dude.

Brooke: That is one hell of a penis.
Nick: I call him Thrustmaster.
Brooke: Captain Thrustmaster?
Nick: He’s not a member of the military, no.

Brooke: There’s a purple black hole forming over your head. A purple hole?

Nick: If it was a pink hole I could loan it to you.

Brooke: Oh, I’ve got one pink hole already. Want me to show you what it can do?

Brooke: If you’re gonna hoverhand my head I’ll hoverhand your dick.

Victor: I bought you guys a monster! Take good care of it.

Victor: Or it will take good care of you.

Victor: That’s all I’ve got. Cut away already!

OH SORRY MR. POLICEMAN

IS MY SURVEILLANCE BOTHERING YOU

Victor: Quick, spray him and I’ll make my escape!

Brooke: Seriously dude, my hair is clean.
Nick: How can I believe that, with what your mouth is doing?

Brooke: Fair point.

Nick: Hey, thanks for the dick-breath.
Brooke: Likewise.

Nick: Not again, I have a headache. Now.

Brooke: Nick, I’ve had a really good time tonight.
Nick: Are you about to ruin it?

Nick: Oh god don’t barf DON’T BARF

Nick: ONE DATE, Brooke!
Brooke: NINE-INCH PENIS, Nick!

Nick: I’m gonna cheat on you a bunch.
Brooke: Well of course.

Nick: Yeah, let’s not kiss right now.

We’re at the point where I occasionally took full-resolution pics with a printscreen utility.

Whenever possible I slip them in here in place of the original TS2 captures.

I wonder if you can tell which is which.

And if I’ve told you this already.

I’d look it up, but it already took FOREVER to find where I named Nick’s PENIS.

Nick: OH GOD DON’T BARF

Nick: I’M SORRY ABOUT THE HOVERHANDS OKAY

Brooke: Why is that red?
Nick: Uh, would you believe it’s because I’m a dude?

Brooke: I find that very hard to believe.
Nick: Would you believe STDs?

Brooke: I would believe, but I would hope otherwise.

♪ I know my part, you were there in everything I’ve done ♪

♪ You are the one ♪

Abigail: I know, but it’s good to hear it from time to time.

Nick: Ugh, you guys have morning here too?!

Kyle: I’ll ask mom if she can do anything about it.

Kyle: So this thing is ours now?

Abigail: Well, I’ve crunched the numbers.

Superpowers ready?

Abigail: That or I’ll kill her horribly.

Either way sounds interesting. Go for it.

Abigail: It’ll be a learning experience. That I can guarantee.

Your near-total failure to pass those eyes on is something I still hold against you.

Abigail: Blame Stephen. Boring genetics know they have to be persistent to get passed on.

Nick: Hahaha sports.

I know.

Ugh.

Kyle: Hahaha art.

I seem to recall you once wanted to become a world-class ballerina.

Kyle: Oh god don’t tell anyone that.

Problem?

Abigail: Every time I run my simulations, I end up with data fields I don’t know how to fill.

Okay. I’m already lost, but okay.

Abigail: What precisely is a backface?

Abigail: I’ll just put random numbers in and hope she doesn’t explode.

Brooke: Your art appreciation is not currently appreciated.

Nick: Hahaha! You put your butt on that bus.

^ Best-composed image in three hundred and fifty chapters ^

Brooke: Wave goodbye, old shame!
Nick: Here’s to the next three hundred and fifty!

I’ll try to find some new shame to fill them with.

Brooke: Can you tell me what’s in this box?

Nick: Hmm. Nope!

I’d ask you what you were doing down there, but since nobody’s lips are moving, I won’t.

SKRLK

Nick: help

Brooke: Do NOT Cthulhu-kiss me!

Brooke: It’s weird.

It only took me tens of thousands of images to learn how to frame one.

Abigail: Learning is a process.

Yeah.

I mean you want to learn more rigorously when you’re, say, planning to alter the strength of someone’s molecular bonds. Right?

Abigail: Sure! Whatever.

Nick: Hahaha that chick is so dead.

Maybe!

Next time: that! Perhaps.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 30 May 2012.