The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 349

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which Science is Funded.


I hate these lot descriptions.

Now you can hate them too.

Well-met, Young Family!

Hey, a walkby who isn’t a statue or in jail or in a fridge!

Okay, but as a walkby, you’re supposed to walk by.

Abigail: Gotta say, writing about Sim biology has really drained my sex drive.

Arcadia: This chick is apparently super smart.

It’s pretty impressive.

Arcadia: I hate it.

Abigail: Are you distintegration-proof? Because sneaking up on mad scientists is a bad idea otherwise.

Abigail: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m busy being super smart.

Brooke: I imagine it’s overrated.

Arcadia: Actually, William Sharpe sent me.
Abigail: That’s not an “actually” statement. Your reason for being here has no effect on my business. Busyness.

Kyle: Like a true scientist, I have made fire.

Brooke: That’s nice sweetie.

Abigail: Go deal with the plebs and come back to me if you don’t burn to death.

Abigail: Don’t come back to me if you do.

Arcadia: How is that chick still asleep?
Kyle: She’s barely awake when she’s awake.

Arcadia: I’m putting those Aspiration Points on my bill.

Phoenix: Somebody call for an awesome pose?

Kyle: WHAT IS IT MADE OF, CARDBOARD?

Phoenix: HOOK ON TO MY ASS PORT

Arcadia: It’s super hot how you just watched us fix your problem, dude.
Kyle: I know.

ptoeey

Strut Your Stuff Communal Shower: I spit on you.

Kyle: It’s cold enough in here without your disapproving stare.

Arcadia: Oh, did it feel disapproving?

Kyle: Wait, seriously?
Arcadia: Super seriously.

Kyle: Well hey girl, hop on!

This wasn’t me, it’s one of the animations from the sex rug.

They can’t all be winners.

Mr. Bearlybutts: Her hair smells nice.

Arcadia: Your fixtures are talking a lot today.
Kyle: Your arm is clipping.

Arcadia: That sex was way better than it looked!
Kyle: It would have to be.

Kyle: Anyway yeah thanks! This was a very decent way to start a new relationship.

Arcadia: Ew, no.
Kyle: What?
Arcadia: I just wanted you for your looks, pal.
Kyle: AS IF THIS IS HAPPENING

Brooke: I hate people getting their money for nothing and their chicks for free.

Abigail: I should throw in a few words that don’t exist, just to see who’s paying attention.

I do that too! It’s fun.

Arcadia: Should I take offence?
Kyle: Take whatever you want. Or did you already?

Myrtle: Don’t yell at me.

Well I mean you only EXIST to man the counter at the PRISON.

Myrtle: Excuse me if that isn’t enough to build a life on.

Who said you get to build a life?!

Brooke: I had the weirdest dream about Dire Straits.

Kyle: Hi.
Myrtle: Hi.
Kyle: You look like a Myrtle.

Kyle: But wait not really!
Myrtle: Too late, the damage is done.

Abigail: Alright, what.

Arcadia: William wants to know if you can make me super-strong.
Abigail: Is that why you’re bald? Steroids?

Arcadia: I’m a reformed evil secret agent and William wants me to be his bodyguard.
Abigail: I’m immediately suspicious of anything William wants regarding his body.

Arcadia: He says you’re the smartest person he knows and that your ego would really respond well to hearing that.

Arcadia: He also said not to say that second part out loud but whoops!

Arcadia: I’d would super love it if you could help me out. I super need to impress at this new job since everyone from my old job is gonna try to kill me now.

Abigail: I don’t even remember who wished for this.
Brooke: Does that put us in the 1% automatically?

Abigail: Alright, I’m gonna hit up the happy machine, you chat with the spare a bit more.

Kyle: Should you get high? Working with dangerous criminals as you do?
Myrtle: You should see those “dangerous criminals.” If any of them escaped they’d die of malnutrition from standing around picking their own asses.

Arcadia: Hey, cool science dungeon.
Abigail: It’s a work in progress.

Myrtle: Hahaha wanna fuck
Jihoon: Is that an open offer?

Brooke: Alright shower, generate me a random sexperson.

Kyle: Hahaha I’m imagining the house blew up.

Abigail: I’m thinking I need to have a chat with the headmaster.

Arcadia: Give the man a try, Myrtie! He’s got a ten-inch cock.
Kyle: DON’T SET FALSE EXPECTATIONS

Brooke: Well that was a cold, lonely experience.

Also called “puppies.”

Arcadia: Wow, you’ve got your own lab? You really are an egghead.
Abigail: This way if it blows up, the fallout will be contained by the lot borders.

Arcadia: How many people you think are making out in that empty house right now?
Abigail: All of them.

Abigail: Okay, so super strength. Molecular bonds? The strong force.
Arcadia: The “Strong Force”? Is that like the Speed Force? I’m into that.

Arcadia: Ooh, smart woman needs to look something up?
Abigail: I wrote these books. They each contain more information than would fit in your brain.

Abigail: You sure you know how to work that?
Arcadia: You pull the lever and step in the basin. How hard can it be?
Abigail: I dunno, how dumb are you?

Arcadia: Not too dumb, apparently!

WEDNESDAY: Dermal scoring. Microabrasions.
Dagmar: What are you doing?
WEDNESDAY: Attempting to leave this obvious dream by causing trauma.

Dagmar: Okay well anyway I’m Dagmar. I’m the mayor of Centreborough. Who’s that hot dude behind me wow.
WEDNESDAY: Okay well I am not actually here because I’m trapped in a basement.

Come ON Past Grugly sort your SHIT

What?

Arcadia: Apparently science is expensive.

Arcadia: I found a §300 pot full of dirt.

Maybe it’s a cheap pot full of §300 dirt!

WEDNESDAY: Well as long as I’m still here for some reason, hey! I just wanted to tell you you’re better than the last mayor.
Dagmar: Hey, thanks!
WEDNESDAY: The way he let his weak mortal frame get squished by that car? Super lame.

Dagmar: Okay, thanks!

Dagmar: Is that close enough to actually smell anything?
Bill: No, but it makes chicks think I’m smelling them, and chicks love that nature shit.

So wait, are you trying to squeeze in extra learning time before we move to the next household?

Abigail: It’s called “time management,” my dude.

Victor: Hey, I’m the Chief of Police.
Dagmar: ONE of the CHIEFS of Police.
Victor: And I just wanted to tell you, from all the boys and girls back at the precinct, that you’re all cop wannabes who don’t deserve their fancy outfits.

Bill: I’m gonna pretend that was solely directed at Nanette.

Abigail: How’s it workin’ out so far?
Arcadia: A rock, a bone, and a statue of a chicken.

Abigail: A big statue of a chicken?
Arcadia: Not even.
Abigail: Well, keep at it.
Arcadia: I’ll do me, and you keep getting ready to do me better.

Victor: Isn’t that soulless car drone hot?
Bill: Hahaha what’s a car.

If somebody ends up with Victor you’ll know I’ve been killed and replaced.

That Victor, mind you.

Not Victor Sharpe.

Arcadia: Are you saying Victor Sharpe is available?

Arcadia: So yeah I go on one date with the guy and now he wants to turn me into Captain Simerica. Can your hear me back here?
Victor: Yeah, the balloon’s over the hedge. Anyway I think you mean Miss Simerica, and I think she’s still active.

Victor: Geez, ladies, wait your turns.

Bill: Wanting to kiss the mayor makes me like this lot better!

Victor: Anyway my prison is full of people who tried to enhance themselves and take over the world. So you’d better either reconsider your course of action or really commit to it.

Victor: Anyway isn’t that soulless car drone-
Dagmar: What is WITH you today?

WHY ARE YOU DATING VICTOR

Arcadia: Low Aspiration Points.

More like low self-esteem.

Dagmar: Man, these microabrasions really make you feel alive.

Arcadia: You just gonna stare at my tits, or…?
Victor: Yeah, we’re doing what I wanna do on this date.

Bill: If you guys want privacy we could put her in jail.
Dagmar: We need to have a talk about authority, and what tiny amount of it you actually have.

Victor: Okay, if we’re not eating out or eating out I’m out.

Arcadia: But I’m not satisfied yet!
Victor: Wow, I have never considered the satisfaction of others before!

Victor: Oh man, you’ve broken me.
Arcadia: Self awareness is a terrible think to force on someone.

I meant to type “thing” but “think” works better.

Arcadia: RESET

Victor: I like a woman who packs a wallop! Also you’re under arrest.

Victor: Then again the fact that you’re a hairless dog doesn’t do much for me.

Victor: Kiss?
Arcadia: But no penetration.

Abigail: Get your rocks off?
Arcadia: Nah, but I did get to whack the police chief with a pillow.
Abigail: Next time put a brick in there.

Please tell me you’re not actually playing to Victor’s tastes.

Arcadia: You don’t know what it’s like to be desperate.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Arcadia: You done?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Arcadia: There, is three times as hot as you hot enough for you?

Victor: I would have accepted two times.

Abigail: What’s the hurry?
Arcadia: I’m running away from bad decisions before they mature into regrets.

Arcadia: Welp. Looks like it’s regrets on all sides.

Victor: You into that new “rose trauma therapy” kick too?
Bill: No, I just want to smell this specific plot of flowers.

Bill: What’s your name?
Rosemarie: Rosemarie.
Bill: Sure, you just picked the first thing you saw and went with that, right?

Bill: There’s something off about your body.
Rosemarie: I’m pregnant.
Bill: If I had more light I could pinpoint it.

Rosemarie: If you’re a pinpoint kind of dude, I can do better.

Rosemarie: In fact I can do better regardless.

Rosemarie: You know what’s cheating? Fucking up and then pretending you didn’t.

I agree.

Rosemarie: Anyway yeah, I’m married. Fuck me.

Victor: Fuck that.

I never thought I’d say this, but thank god for the townies.

Arcadia: So this is fun.

It’s for a good cause.

Arcadia: Super powers are a good cause?

Okay, a cool cause, then.

And somebody needs to protect these worthless sponges.

Abigail: What’s the tally now?
Arcadia: Two toy spaceships, six more rocks, six maps, a wishing doll, three sculptures, and nine fucking bones.

Spencer: Not happening NOT HAPPENING

Arcadia: Wish I could say the same.

Arcadia: Man, nature is okay.

That is in fact the conclusion reached at the end of The Nature of Nature by Abigail Young.

Arcadia: Guess I’m smarter than I look. And sound and act.

You’re at least as smart as the rest of these schmucks.

Abigail: You off the clock?
Arcadia: So I can get on the cock.

Are you seriously working out for Victor.

Arcadia: I’m gonna be a bodyguard! Don’t hate just because it’s a transferable skill.

Arcadia: I feel ridiculous.

Well you certainly don’t look it!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Uh, somehow I suspect you’re already pretty strong.

Arcadia: I need to be even stronger if I’m gonna tap into the Strong Force!

THERE IS NO STRONG FORCE

Arcadia: Then explain THIS!

Abigail: Actually, aside from the scientific concept to which I was referring, the Strong Force is what Bombshell taps into to get her powers.
Arcadia: Stop referencing superheroes if we’re not gonna actually see them!

Abigail: Her face was in my speech balloon.
Arcadia: Nobody cares about your stupid balloons.
Abigail: Men do.

Arcadia: I super hate wordplay.

Sure, talk about all the nothing you’ve ever done.

Tyler: You make fun of us if we do nothing, and you make fun of us if we do something.

This is correct.

♪ Somehow they stayed that way, for those five days in May ♪

♪ Made all the stars around them shine ♪

Arcadia: They do that on their own.

Uma: ♪ Well I don’t want the world to see me ♪
Iris: Very funny.

Alvin Trottier: This face-scratching centre has very clean facilities.

Uma: What?
Iris: Not much.

Uma: I didn’t even set her up for that one.

♪ Funny how you can look in vain ♪

Arcadia: Fuck off.

♪ Livin’ on nerves, and such sweet pain ♪

Arcadia: Fuck off!

Arcadia: Fuck everything.

Uma: That would take a long time, but it’d be worth it.

Uma: So hey, are you good or evil?
Iris: I always go with “other.”

Arcadia: Hey guess what.

Abigail: Lots of inland pirates around here, apparently.

Arcadia: Wow, you can learn a lot from a book!

I didn’t know there were skill books for self-awareness.

Arcadia: Your book about nature really taught me how to dig better holes!
Abigail: Don’t soil my precious theories with practical applications!

Abigail: Then again they are soooo practical…

Vicki: How do I get over there?
Statue of Cecilia: Climb the hedge?
Vicki: MY NIGHTMARES ARE FOLLOWING ME

Vicki: Oh! Hi. I thought you were a statue of Cecilia.
Emmy: People make that mistake all the… no, I can’t even.

Vicki: Hate the mayor, huh?
Emmy: You can read minds?
Vicki: Well I mean it’s just pictures, innit?

Oh, good, now you can skip that awful ice level.

Woooooooooow.

Did you build your lab on top of a time portal, by any chance?

Arcadia: If this turns out to be some Kung Fu Kid thing where you actually made me strong by digging holes I’m gonna use my newfound strength and knowledge to put a hole in you.
Abigail: Karate Kid.
Arcadia: The superhero?!

Valerie: How are you walking around?
Statue of William: I want my dick back.

Valerie: I didn’t even know you had underwear. Why do you have underwear?
Statue of William: When your everyday outfit is nudity, underwear is outerwear.

Jerome: Who were you talking to just now?
Valerie: A hallucination, apparently.

Jerome: Hey, you look like Vicki! Which is to say you look like wow.
Valerie: I like me a pliable man.

Jerome: I’m so easily pliable, several women have gotten tired of plying me!

Jerome: Wow, you’re so hot I almost forgot my wife.
Valerie: Damn this cold! The almost is its fault.

Valerie: Being a bit obvious, aren’t we?
Jerome: I’m considering you from an architectural standpoint. It’s my job. Sheesh.

Valerie: I don’t see us interacting.
Nanette: I don’t disagree.

Nanette: Hey why do YOU get custom clothing?
Valerie: Because I’m real?!

Valerie: And you get nothing because you are nothing.
Nanette: I hate this store! You are a bad employee.

Nanette: I’ll have you know I have access to machine guns.
Valerie: I’ll have you know I have access to William Sharpe.
Nanette: Ooh can you introduce me?!

Nanette: Always good to hedge your bets.

They’ve been daring me to make that joke.

Nanette: Hedge funds.
Jerome: Okay?
Nanette: Can’t think of a way to work that one in.

Nanette: You in the mood for some shit-talking?
Jerome: No, but I am a shit listener.

Nanette: My boss cheated on me.
Jerome: Hahaha what?

Jerome: Are you saying you fraternize with your employer?
Nanette: No way. He fraternizes. I sororitize.

Jerome: It should be illegal to be hot around married people.

Jerome: You are well built.

Alvin: Got room for a cameo?

Just barely.

Abigail: Effective inland pirates!

Jerome: I’ve always wondered whether physicians or physicists are better at physics.

Well that’s because you don’t understand words, my friend.

And the dirt goes on.

Next time: more time.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 May 2015 to 30 May 2015.

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