The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 348

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which I reluctantly conclude the open house of the century.


Revenge of the Lot Descriptions!

“What? Product placement? We don’t know what you’re talking about. At H&M Clover County, we’re all about pure unadulterated integrity. We sell clothes, not our souls. Unless you’ve got an offer…”

No joke, my game picks walkbys in ascending order from least-possible to most-possible.

Neila: What do you do with all this money?
Brady: I eat it. I’m not allowed to leave the register.

Grugly Prime: Hey, that’s not true. We let you go on a date once, fifty years ago.

Dude, you’re embarassing us.

Also she’s over there.

Neila: It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Grugly Prime: I always suspect that, but it’s nice to have it confirmed.

Grugly Prime: This, as well, I always suspect.

Oliver: I hope this handshake never ends.

He knows what’s coming after it.

Oliver: I always suspect it, but it’s worse to have it confirmed.

Why?

Neila: Why what?

Why green? The old one matched your eyes! Your family eyes.

Neila: The new one matches my room!

That’s stupid.

Past Grugly, that’s stupid.

Brady: Is Past Grugly different from Grugly Prime? I’m so confused.

She’s still damn cute, stupid recolour or no stupid recolour.

Sharpe genetics! Recognizable and attractive. You usually can’t have both.


“Got a lot pent up inside? Want a taste of sweet release? Then come on down to Brown Notes. We’ve got sounds that will move you.”

snrrrrk

♪ You spin me right round, baby, right round ♪

Neila: A little on-the-nose, don’t you think?

Stewart: Sorry, who bit your nose?

Neila: I just can’t with these people.

They can’t with themselves.

Neila: I am rich. May I judge you?

How did you judge him?

Neila: Less interesting than the prospect of a pregnant lady dancing.


Neila: …that made my back hurt.

“Need some electronics? You need to check out Electro Nick’s! You know you can trust us because we have a pun related to the thing we sell in our name. And puns don’t lie, do they? DO THEY.”

Neila: HAHAHA THEY DON’T.

Neila: Hi! I’m real.
Kennedy: We’re all real.
Neila: What a quaint concept.

Kennedy: Who’s that hot Bradley over there?

Neila: I like a man who says weird shit.

Kennedy: But seriously, is Bradley a chick now?

Neila: Wow, you people are all unattractive!
Joe: Mass media has raised people’s expectations to an unreasonable level! As has my plastic surgery practice.

Not even joking. I realized it as I was writing the line!

The Unsavoury Charlatan: Would you care to join me? I’m holding auditions for an Unsalty Charlataness.


A friend of mine once told me he saw the librarian in our public school wandering the stacks alone muttering “Books, books, books!” to herself.

I wonder when I stopped thinking that was funny/bizarre and started thinking it was awesome.

Was it my first graduate degree or my second?

FRIDAY: Was that a humble brag?

Oops, was it humble?

You are NOT doing a robobootycall, thanks.

Neila: That’s fine, I do not accept the charges.

Not the right phone joke, but you’re a millennial, you don’t know any better.

You live with a green warlock. Anyone looks hot compared to that.

almost anyone.

…okay fine.

Oh what the FUCK.

Lance: Thought you could talk about me behind my back, huh?

Anyway I like how there’s a glowing man and a yellow robot and a bigfoot and everyone’s going “WHO’S THAT FAT CHICK”

Sunny: Don’t forget the blue woman!

I do, though.

Sometimes.

Asia: Aw come on girl bigfoot is awesome!
Brady: Who is that chick, though?

Neila: That’s enough exposure for the nobodies.

…the fuck?

Somebody summon a potion?

Neila: It’s the magic of nature.

I DEMAND A REAL EXPLANATION

Chief: .oO(I can bombz foto?)

Neila: Maybe I’ll just pick the dude with the hottest-sounding name.

BERNARD LEAK.

Neila: Right? Awesome.

BERNARD.

Neila: Yep!

LEAK.

Neila: Badass, I know!

Neila: Hmm. Emerson Lake-Palmer.

That would have been a much better name.

I’m sad now.

Nick: Hells yeah kid! Scroll though all the borings why don’t you.

Kyle: I stubbed my toe just now, and I kinda liked it. Can we talk about that? I feel like I need to talk about that.

Vicki: You thinking about anything gross or weird back there?
Valerie: Assuredly.

Kyle: I’m the first boy ever, did you know that? Numero uno.
Neila: That must be so fascinating to you.

Victor: Haha, what?

Valerie: Settling in okay?
Nick: Grandpa’s right. I have to fight the urge to steal shit every time I room-transition.

Victor: I’m gonna steal dad’s wife.

Victor: Hey a lot of people hate her.
Andrea: Yeah, my mom had opinions, let me tell you.

Victor: She pissed off that blue chick somehow.
Andrea: Blue chick?
Victor: Blue dress, blue eyes, blue hair?
Andrea: If you’re insulting my intelligence I’m not smart enough to get it.

William: COME ON! PUT YOUR VAGINA INTO IT!

We already did that callback.

William: But it fits this image so much better!

William: Anyway I’ve just got vagina on the brain right now.

Pff.

“Right now.”

Kyle: What are your opinions on the topic of sciatica?

Neila: You are so boring it’s turning me on somehow.

Samantha: Get back here!
William: No, his instincts are right. Head away from the naked family member. I wish I’d done that myself.

William: Naked non-family members, though, I’m still very much into.

Andrea: You can be very much into me as often as you want, buddy.
William: And it would be very much. Very much indeed.

William: Victor! VICTOR!
Victor: In all things, my man.

William: So you’re like twenty or something.
Andrea: Eighteen.
William: I thought that age only existed in porn.

Andrea: If the money’s right, count me in!

William: Money is no object where Captain Sparkes is concerned. And he is very concerned right now.

Man, that little bugger’s instincts are flawless.

Andrea: Dost though knowest whom I art?
William: That was a bit of a reach.

Victor: Aw WHAT

Andrea: Artsy.
William: Watch what he does next, though.

You know me so well.

Samantha: This house is full of helpful hints.

Where’s his dick gone?

Valerie: I’ll put it back when I’m done with it.

William: Okay, you raise a good point.
Andrea: I noticed that.

William: Ha ha, but seriously, I need to know who Daisy stole you from.
Andrea: “Stole” me from? Dude, do you think women’s vaginas steal your cum?

William: Wait, so you think you’re actually her daughter?
Andrea: Damn right! And my daddy’s that mad scientist who hates your balls.

William: We do have a similar skintone.
Andrea: I don’t follow.
William: You can lead, then.

Andrea: You’ve got pretty nice skin for an old man.
William: Two quarts baby plantsim juice, twice a week.
Andrea: …?!
William: What? They’re not human.

William: That joke was meant to remove your crotch from my crotch.
Andrea: It’ll need to be a lot stronger than that, then.

William: I’m just worried that we’re related somehow. But then why do we have chemistry?
Andrea: You’re hot, dude, but I am not roleplaying incest with you.

Andrea: If you’re so worried why’s your cock so big.
William: It’s been stuck like that for decades.

Andrea: Look man, my mom was a regular everyday gal. Who played your sister. On TV. And got her ass kicked by zombies. In real life.

William: YOUR EYES AREN’T YOUR EYES.

William: Ohhhhhhh fuck.
Andrea: What are you talking about, my eyes aren’t my oh.

Andrea: They had decals on.
William: Uh-huh.
Andrea: These are Sharpe eyes.
William: *sigh* Uh-huh.

Andrea: I’M SO SORRY IT WAS AN ACCIDENTAL FLIRT

William: So this is only an awkward moment if we make it awkward. No. No, that’s not true at all. Dammit.

William: So yeah, your mom was a serial killer. FYI.

Andrea: And my uncle is a serial ladykiller.

William: Can we hug after we dress?

Andrea: HAHAHA oh my god we almost fucked.

Andrea: Mom’s last joke. Goooood god that’s some big uncle dick you’ve got there.
William: Ugh, could you not.

That’s not what I designed this room for, but I can definitely see how you made the mistake.

Aw, come on Valerie! Did you throw it out your window or something?

Valerie: It was dirty!

Good! Let’s do the preceding couple of minutes a little less ickily.

Andrea: So I’m wearing flat contacts? That’s weird. Sim makeup is weird.

Andrea: It just got weirder.

Andrea: OH MY GOD I’M HEIR TO A FORTUNE

William: Did we actually crash, or did you quit so I wouldn’t have a crush on my niece?

It really says a lot about you fucked-up people that I would even need to make such a consideration.

Andrea: Wait wait, so I don’t get to have a hot dicking tonight?

Not one with that skintone, at least.

Andrea: But man… I mean…
William: You’re making this weird.
Andrea: I mean look at it.

Andrea: Maybe my family also has these eyes!
William: Yeah, no.
Andrea: Maybe there’s another layer of decals!

Andrea: OKAY WOW IT’S SETTING IN
William: OH GOD ME TOO

Neila: This place is awesome.

It had better be.

You have no idea how many hours I spent drafting it out in Excel!

At work.

MWAHAHA.

This is the only file I could find.

Somewhere there’s one of all three floors, in glorious colour.

What? I worked long hours.

Andrea: HAHAHA “LONG”
William: You okay?
Andrea: “Long” for me now means “dicks I can’t have.

William: Don’t make me noogie you.
Andrea: HAHAHA NOOGIE NIGHTS

Statue of Neil: Will you forgive me for all the horrible things I’ve done?
Statue of Victoria: Those weren’t you. They were the dude you’re a statue of.
Statue of Neil: Oh. Right. The real Victoria would never use the word “dude,” so I believe you.

Statue of Victoria: Also we’re not sentient and this isn’t happening.

Statue of Vicki: Well that’s a damn shame.

Andrea: Did you see the comments? Grugly gave Lucas away and somebody was actually happy to have him.
William: That’s ridiculous. Must be a really complicated spambot.

Andrea: Hahaha you know I saw him get eaten by a zombie when I was no years old?

Andrea: No years old.

William: That didn’t look like a zombie.
Andrea: Apparently she got better.

William: So anyway, let’s not tell the others about this.
Andrea: About us being related? Okay!
William:

William: I leave it in your hands.
Andrea: I wanted it in my hands, don’t rub it in.
William: I wanted to rub it in, don’t remind me.

DOPPELFOOMPF

Vicki: You know, Captain Sparkles gets his own sonic boom when you do that?

Vicki: Also thanks for the dick-dust, dude.

Vicki: Oh NOW he gets dressed, SURE.

Vicki: Still hot.
William: Every girl’s crazy ’bout a dressed Sharpe man.

We’ve made that joke before, too.

William: Yeah but, like, in a title pic. Doesn’t count.

William: So this is our bedroom…
Vicki: I see it comes with a complimenary naked person.

Andrea: I assumed it was my room because it was the best one.

Andrea: …actually I retract that.

Andrea: You have done acceptably, maker my maker.

William: So good news! Andrea and I are friends now. Just friends. Permanently just friends.

Vicki: You must be so sexually tense right now.

William: My underwear is more holes than not-holes.

Vicki: Chuck ’em, then.

William: You’re woman enough for two men, Vix.
Vicki: I’ll go get me a second, then.

William: Gonna put my eye out one of these days.
Vicki: You should put a clown nose on the end.

Sharpestone’s dog quarters, Stankwood.

Vicki: I thought you were getting up.
William: It was an involuntary motion. All that blood rushing from Captain Sparkles makes my spine contort.

Hey, I did say we weren’t done with the pooping.

Did I say we were done with toddlers pooping?

If I did, well, sorry. I already typed the caption, so it’s going in.

♪ Shittin’, sleepin’… he’s just a William! ♪

Andrea: I can’t let you switch households before I get my snoggin’ on.

Uma: If you know where the snoglords are, lead on.

Samantha: We need assigned teleport spots before we end up merging with each other.

Samantha: Just because we’re family doesn’t mean I want to see what your insides look like.

Those are the chest drawer pulls.

Nick: What?

Just if anyone wanted to know what those horrible blocky things ruining the shot are.

Uma: Welcome to Snogvale.

Victor: Population: Yes.

Nick: I’m open for anything but we need to ditch the brat.

Victor: How’s my hot mamma doing?
Andrea: Can we omit familial metaphors from our affectionate vocabulary? No reason. But can we.

Nick: Have you ever pried open a red burning eye with a chopstick?

Cecilia: I’M COMING FOR YOU

Vicki: Bad news, everyone! Catapult nightmares when you can teleport are super embarassing.
Victor: Well well! Welcome to the yard.

Uma: What did you have a nightmare about?
Vicki: …consequences.

Nick: Just the word drives me to drink.

Vicki: Hey baby, doorframe’s in the frame.

Uma: Who you callin’ baby, baby?

William: What’s your endgame there, son?

William: So soft! What’s it made of?
Uma: Plantsim skin.

Nick: Nothing satisfies like a good callback.

Andrea: So HEY Vicki’s still naked.
Victor: U-MA NEXT! U-MA NEXT!

Valerie: What kind of example are you setting for you daughter?
Vicki: I was going for “do what you want and fuck the haters.” You got a better one?

FOOMPF

Samantha: There is no better one.

Samantha: My only goal is to exceed her badassery.

Brittany: I’d say risking a bus bisection to look cool is pretty badass!
Samantha: Yeah but what do you know, you wear beige clothes.

Victor: No touch! No homo.
Valerie: You gonna sit there and let them be prejudiced, Vicki?
Nick: What? Homo means “same.” He doesn’t want to touch me because we’re related.
Victor: Um, duh? What else would it mean?

Generally it means the speaker is a waste of skin.

Andrea: Grugly’s on a liberal soapbox in the dining room.

Not true!

I’m in the kitchen now.

You know that he’s your half-bro-

Andrea: He IS my half! My better half! And don’t call me bro! And SHUT UP SHUT UP

I honestly did not anticipate this when I put a fountain there.

Chief: .oO(Livin’ the dream!)

The off-centre, ostentatious, aristocratic, aristocrats-joke dream.

Next time: The Lay (Ley? Leigh?) of Brad, a gender adventure in seven parts.

SEVEN PARTS.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 May 2012.

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