Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which I reluctantly conclude the open house of the century.
Revenge of the Lot Descriptions!
“What? Product placement? We don’t know what you’re talking about. At H&M Clover County, we’re all about pure unadulterated integrity. We sell clothes, not our souls. Unless you’ve got an offer…”
No joke, my game picks walkbys in ascending order from least-possible to most-possible.
Neila: What do you do with all this money?
Brady: I eat it. I’m not allowed to leave the register.
Grugly Prime: Hey, that’s not true. We let you go on a date once, fifty years ago.
Dude, you’re embarassing us.
Also she’s over there.
Neila: It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Grugly Prime: I always suspect that, but it’s nice to have it confirmed.
Grugly Prime: This, as well, I always suspect.
Oliver: I hope this handshake never ends.
He knows what’s coming after it.
Oliver: I always suspect it, but it’s worse to have it confirmed.
Neila: Why what?
Why green? The old one matched your eyes! Your family eyes.
Neila: The new one matches my room!
Past Grugly, that’s stupid.
Brady: Is Past Grugly different from Grugly Prime? I’m so confused.
She’s still damn cute, stupid recolour or no stupid recolour.
Sharpe genetics! Recognizable and attractive. You usually can’t have both.
“Got a lot pent up inside? Want a taste of sweet release? Then come on down to Brown Notes. We’ve got sounds that will move you.”
♪ You spin me right round, baby, right round ♪
Neila: A little on-the-nose, don’t you think?
Stewart: Sorry, who bit your nose?
Neila: I just can’t with these people.
They can’t with themselves.
Neila: I am rich. May I judge you?
How did you judge him?
Neila: Less interesting than the prospect of a pregnant lady dancing.
Neila: …that made my back hurt.
“Need some electronics? You need to check out Electro Nick’s! You know you can trust us because we have a pun related to the thing we sell in our name. And puns don’t lie, do they? DO THEY.”
Neila: HAHAHA THEY DON’T.
Neila: Hi! I’m real.
Kennedy: We’re all real.
Neila: What a quaint concept.
Kennedy: Who’s that hot Bradley over there?
Neila: I like a man who says weird shit.
Kennedy: But seriously, is Bradley a chick now?
Neila: Wow, you people are all unattractive!
Joe: Mass media has raised people’s expectations to an unreasonable level! As has my plastic surgery practice.
Not even joking. I realized it as I was writing the line!
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Would you care to join me? I’m holding auditions for an Unsalty Charlataness.
A friend of mine once told me he saw the librarian in our public school wandering the stacks alone muttering “Books, books, books!” to herself.
I wonder when I stopped thinking that was funny/bizarre and started thinking it was awesome.
Was it my first graduate degree or my second?
FRIDAY: Was that a humble brag?
Oops, was it humble?
You are NOT doing a robobootycall, thanks.
Neila: That’s fine, I do not accept the charges.
Not the right phone joke, but you’re a millennial, you don’t know any better.
You live with a green warlock. Anyone looks hot compared to that.
Oh what the FUCK.
Lance: Thought you could talk about me behind my back, huh?
Anyway I like how there’s a glowing man and a yellow robot and a bigfoot and everyone’s going “WHO’S THAT FAT CHICK”
Sunny: Don’t forget the blue woman!
I do, though.
Asia: Aw come on girl bigfoot is awesome!
Brady: Who is that chick, though?
Neila: That’s enough exposure for the nobodies.
Somebody summon a potion?
Neila: It’s the magic of nature.
I DEMAND A REAL EXPLANATION
Chief: .oO(I can bombz foto?)
Neila: Maybe I’ll just pick the dude with the hottest-sounding name.
Neila: Right? Awesome.
Neila: Badass, I know!
Neila: Hmm. Emerson Lake-Palmer.
That would have been a much better name.
I’m sad now.
Nick: Hells yeah kid! Scroll though all the borings why don’t you.
Kyle: I stubbed my toe just now, and I kinda liked it. Can we talk about that? I feel like I need to talk about that.
Vicki: You thinking about anything gross or weird back there?
Kyle: I’m the first boy ever, did you know that? Numero uno.
Neila: That must be so fascinating to you.
Victor: Haha, what?
Valerie: Settling in okay?
Nick: Grandpa’s right. I have to fight the urge to steal shit every time I room-transition.
Victor: I’m gonna steal dad’s wife.
Victor: Hey a lot of people hate her.
Andrea: Yeah, my mom had opinions, let me tell you.
Victor: She pissed off that blue chick somehow.
Andrea: Blue chick?
Victor: Blue dress, blue eyes, blue hair?
Andrea: If you’re insulting my intelligence I’m not smart enough to get it.
William: COME ON! PUT YOUR VAGINA INTO IT!
We already did that callback.
William: But it fits this image so much better!
William: Anyway I’ve just got vagina on the brain right now.
Kyle: What are your opinions on the topic of sciatica?
Neila: You are so boring it’s turning me on somehow.
Samantha: Get back here!
William: No, his instincts are right. Head away from the naked family member. I wish I’d done that myself.
William: Naked non-family members, though, I’m still very much into.
Andrea: You can be very much into me as often as you want, buddy.
William: And it would be very much. Very much indeed.
William: Victor! VICTOR!
Victor: In all things, my man.
William: So you’re like twenty or something.
William: I thought that age only existed in porn.
Andrea: If the money’s right, count me in!
William: Money is no object where Captain Sparkes is concerned. And he is very concerned right now.
Man, that little bugger’s instincts are flawless.
Andrea: Dost though knowest whom I art?
William: That was a bit of a reach.
Victor: Aw WHAT
William: Watch what he does next, though.
You know me so well.
Samantha: This house is full of helpful hints.
Where’s his dick gone?
Valerie: I’ll put it back when I’m done with it.
William: Okay, you raise a good point.
Andrea: I noticed that.
William: Ha ha, but seriously, I need to know who Daisy stole you from.
Andrea: “Stole” me from? Dude, do you think women’s vaginas steal your cum?
William: Wait, so you think you’re actually her daughter?
Andrea: Damn right! And my daddy’s that mad scientist who hates your balls.
William: We do have a similar skintone.
Andrea: I don’t follow.
William: You can lead, then.
Andrea: You’ve got pretty nice skin for an old man.
William: Two quarts baby plantsim juice, twice a week.
William: What? They’re not human.
William: That joke was meant to remove your crotch from my crotch.
Andrea: It’ll need to be a lot stronger than that, then.
William: I’m just worried that we’re related somehow. But then why do we have chemistry?
Andrea: You’re hot, dude, but I am not roleplaying incest with you.
Andrea: If you’re so worried why’s your cock so big.
William: It’s been stuck like that for decades.
Andrea: Look man, my mom was a regular everyday gal. Who played your sister. On TV. And got her ass kicked by zombies. In real life.
William: YOUR EYES AREN’T YOUR EYES.
William: Ohhhhhhh fuck.
Andrea: What are you talking about, my eyes aren’t my oh.
Andrea: They had decals on.
Andrea: These are Sharpe eyes.
William: *sigh* Uh-huh.
Andrea: I’M SO SORRY IT WAS AN ACCIDENTAL FLIRT
William: So this is only an awkward moment if we make it awkward. No. No, that’s not true at all. Dammit.
William: So yeah, your mom was a serial killer. FYI.
Andrea: And my uncle is a serial ladykiller.
William: Can we hug after we dress?
Andrea: HAHAHA oh my god we almost fucked.
Andrea: Mom’s last joke. Goooood god that’s some big uncle dick you’ve got there.
William: Ugh, could you not.
That’s not what I designed this room for, but I can definitely see how you made the mistake.
Aw, come on Valerie! Did you throw it out your window or something?
Valerie: It was dirty!
Good! Let’s do the preceding couple of minutes a little less ickily.
Andrea: So I’m wearing flat contacts? That’s weird. Sim makeup is weird.
Andrea: It just got weirder.
Andrea: OH MY GOD I’M HEIR TO A FORTUNE
William: Did we actually crash, or did you quit so I wouldn’t have a crush on my niece?
It really says a lot about you fucked-up people that I would even need to make such a consideration.
Andrea: Wait wait, so I don’t get to have a hot dicking tonight?
Not one with that skintone, at least.
Andrea: But man… I mean…
William: You’re making this weird.
Andrea: I mean look at it.
Andrea: Maybe my family also has these eyes!
William: Yeah, no.
Andrea: Maybe there’s another layer of decals!
Andrea: OKAY WOW IT’S SETTING IN
William: OH GOD ME TOO
Neila: This place is awesome.
It had better be.
You have no idea how many hours I spent drafting it out in Excel!
This is the only file I could find.
Somewhere there’s one of all three floors, in glorious colour.
What? I worked long hours.
Andrea: HAHAHA “LONG”
William: You okay?
Andrea: “Long” for me now means “dicks I can’t have.“
William: Don’t make me noogie you.
Andrea: HAHAHA NOOGIE NIGHTS
Statue of Neil: Will you forgive me for all the horrible things I’ve done?
Statue of Victoria: Those weren’t you. They were the dude you’re a statue of.
Statue of Neil: Oh. Right. The real Victoria would never use the word “dude,” so I believe you.
Statue of Victoria: Also we’re not sentient and this isn’t happening.
Statue of Vicki: Well that’s a damn shame.
Andrea: Did you see the comments? Grugly gave Lucas away and somebody was actually happy to have him.
William: That’s ridiculous. Must be a really complicated spambot.
Andrea: No years old.
William: That didn’t look like a zombie.
Andrea: Apparently she got better.
William: So anyway, let’s not tell the others about this.
Andrea: About us being related? Okay!
William: I leave it in your hands.
Andrea: I wanted it in my hands, don’t rub it in.
William: I wanted to rub it in, don’t remind me.
Vicki: You know, Captain Sparkles gets his own sonic boom when you do that?
Vicki: Also thanks for the dick-dust, dude.
Vicki: Oh NOW he gets dressed, SURE.
Vicki: Still hot.
William: Every girl’s crazy ’bout a dressed Sharpe man.
We’ve made that joke before, too.
William: Yeah but, like, in a title pic. Doesn’t count.
William: So this is our bedroom…
Vicki: I see it comes with a complimenary naked person.
Andrea: I assumed it was my room because it was the best one.
Andrea: …actually I retract that.
Andrea: You have done acceptably, maker my maker.
William: So good news! Andrea and I are friends now. Just friends. Permanently just friends.
Vicki: You must be so sexually tense right now.
William: My underwear is more holes than not-holes.
Vicki: Chuck ’em, then.
William: You’re woman enough for two men, Vix.
Vicki: I’ll go get me a second, then.
William: Gonna put my eye out one of these days.
Vicki: You should put a clown nose on the end.
Sharpestone’s dog quarters, Stankwood.
Vicki: I thought you were getting up.
William: It was an involuntary motion. All that blood rushing from Captain Sparkles makes my spine contort.
Hey, I did say we weren’t done with the pooping.
Did I say we were done with toddlers pooping?
If I did, well, sorry. I already typed the caption, so it’s going in.
♪ Shittin’, sleepin’… he’s just a William! ♪
Andrea: I can’t let you switch households before I get my snoggin’ on.
Uma: If you know where the snoglords are, lead on.
Samantha: We need assigned teleport spots before we end up merging with each other.
Samantha: Just because we’re family doesn’t mean I want to see what your insides look like.
Those are the chest drawer pulls.
Just if anyone wanted to know what those horrible blocky things ruining the shot are.
Uma: Welcome to Snogvale.
Victor: Population: Yes.
Nick: I’m open for anything but we need to ditch the brat.
Victor: How’s my hot mamma doing?
Andrea: Can we omit familial metaphors from our affectionate vocabulary? No reason. But can we.
Nick: Have you ever pried open a red burning eye with a chopstick?
Cecilia: I’M COMING FOR YOU
Vicki: Bad news, everyone! Catapult nightmares when you can teleport are super embarassing.
Victor: Well well! Welcome to the yard.
Uma: What did you have a nightmare about?
Nick: Just the word drives me to drink.
Vicki: Hey baby, doorframe’s in the frame.
Uma: Who you callin’ baby, baby?
William: What’s your endgame there, son?
William: So soft! What’s it made of?
Uma: Plantsim skin.
Nick: Nothing satisfies like a good callback.
Andrea: So HEY Vicki’s still naked.
Victor: U-MA NEXT! U-MA NEXT!
Valerie: What kind of example are you setting for you daughter?
Vicki: I was going for “do what you want and fuck the haters.” You got a better one?
Samantha: There is no better one.
Samantha: My only goal is to exceed her badassery.
Brittany: I’d say risking a bus bisection to look cool is pretty badass!
Samantha: Yeah but what do you know, you wear beige clothes.
Victor: No touch! No homo.
Valerie: You gonna sit there and let them be prejudiced, Vicki?
Nick: What? Homo means “same.” He doesn’t want to touch me because we’re related.
Victor: Um, duh? What else would it mean?
Generally it means the speaker is a waste of skin.
Andrea: Grugly’s on a liberal soapbox in the dining room.
I’m in the kitchen now.
You know that he’s your half-bro-
Andrea: He IS my half! My better half! And don’t call me bro! And SHUT UP SHUT UP
I honestly did not anticipate this when I put a fountain there.
Chief: .oO(Livin’ the dream!)
The off-centre, ostentatious, aristocratic, aristocrats-joke dream.
Next time: The Lay (Ley? Leigh?) of Brad, a gender adventure in seven parts.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 May 2012.