The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 347

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which my magnum edifice is further explored.

Hmm. Wait a second…

YES. I love how everyone changes places except Samantha in her fucking T-pose.

Eat your heart out, Ozymandias.

And on the pedestal these words appear:

“My name is William, governor of governors. Look upon my cock and despair.”

Most of this floor is carefully arranged to allow quiet contemplation of its majesty.

Including his son’s room.

Because why not.

Oh, we’re doing this again are we.

Victor: Oh no, exactly what I wanted to see!

Uma: So I can teleport now?
Nick: Yeah.
William: Remind me to get Abigail to work out an interdiction field for my bedroom. And my bathroom.

WHAT, game?


Victor: Seriously.

Victor: Still naked?
Vicki: Oh yeah.

Vicki: Modesty seems somehow inappropriate in this house.


William: Right in the kisser, niiice.

William: Ooh, accidental teleportation!

Vanessa: Gonna make sure he isn’t stuck in a wall somewhere?
William: Hmm, neat idea. A sentry living inside the walls, fighting our enemies.
Vanessa: Or, like, a dude who is dead.
William: I like my idea better.

Alvin: I hate ostentatious displays of being richer than me.

Vanessa: Oh, you’re still here.
Alvin: Close your eyes, make a wish, and maybe you’ll get lucky!

Vanessa: Maybe I want to get lucky, not lucky.

Brittany is dead.

Vanessa: Yeah Brittany, what the fuck.

Chief: .oO(Which one is that again?)

Like it matters.

Victor: Predestination is alright as long as you’re predestined to sit in a tub with a hot chick.

Vicki: I’m sure this will get old eventually.

Vanessa: That thing is creeping me the fuck out, dude.

Vanessa: I feel like they’re silently judging me.

If they judge you negatively they’re damn poor judges.

Samantha: I feel like this house is specifically decorated to make performing any particular action feel as stressful and inadequate as possible.

William: How’s the reclaimed food?
Alvin: You can barely taste the tire rubber.

William: I thought of just ordering a ton of fast food, but that is thoroughly beneath me.

It’s my fervent hope that this joke will remain forever timely.

Vicki: You’re looking pretty swollen, maybe we should turn the heat down.

William: I’ve finally arrived, Alvin.
Alvin: Then who’ve I been talking to this whole time?

William: History is gonna accelerate from now on, having found in me its muse.

William: There’s no finer family in the SimNation.

William: I’ve got heirs, and spares, and no more cares.
Victor: You should ditch dad and make out with me.

Victor: Sploosh! Pretend that’s jizz.

Myrtle: Hey there! Just walking the prisoners.
Vanessa: William…

Vanessa: They need the “people are not dogs” speech again.
William: What? I don’t want to hear you.

William: I wonder if you can suck your own dick in hyperspace.


Alvin: Heyyyy… waaaait a second…

Alvin: Since when can you turn yourself into a flamingo?!

Vicki: I’m sure you can find someone your own age, dude. Someone less, you know, completely out of your league.

Victor: Perhaps you need the jizz demonstration again.

Meanwhile William is working on a jizz demonstration of his own.

William: Yeah man, I’m masturbating to the news. Ooooh the collapsing world order gets me so hot.

Victor: You know who’s so hot? Andrea.
Vicki: You should go tell her.

Victor: I take it we’re not gettin’ it on, then.
Vicki: Not gettin’ it on, not gettin’ you off.

Victor: That’s a shame.
Vicki: Yes.
Victor: What?

Victor: Oh sure, now be a prude.

Victor: Fine, backflip me off why don’t you.
Vicki: Why will.

Vicki: I can already see this living arrangement is gonna go great.

Why are YOU mean?

Franklin: I’m not, I just have a newspaper-stealing fetish.

Vicki: Don’t touch me.
Neila: Not even with gloves?
Vicki: Not even with gloves on gloves.

Samantha: Sweet cold burn, mom.

Virginia: Loser.

Uma: Nice of you to drop in!

Yes, why don’t you mack on someone your own size.

Victor: Vicki rejected me. Want to be my second choice?
Uma: It’s the choice that matters, not the order.

Vicki: I hope that’s true.

William: I would never have bought that if I knew it could make that noise.

Uma: I’m playing “Left Hand Stuck Between the Keys in B Flat.”

Vicki: There’s some interesting art in this house.
William: Yeah, I had them go through our family screenshots and paint a few key scenes.
Vicki: So Melanie’s creepy-ass ghost can watch us while we eat.
William: I can assure you she would have wanted it this way.

Victor: You’re alright, Uma.
Uma: You’re awesome.
Victor: You’re still just alright.

Victor: Ignore them, they smile at everybody.

Uma: Dude! You nearly bonered a hole through my dress!
Victor: You mean it didn’t go through?!

Andrea: I don’t know if you’ve seen Neila’s Fitness indicator, but you might want to watch her after dinner.

Uma: This place is amazing. So many great macking spots!
Victor: You’ve got great macking spots, baby. On you. From my macking.

I forgot. There’s a basement.

It has this shit in it.

Neila: Wow! Seared salmon on a tablecloth in a mansion.
Andrea: The revolution will not be kind to us.

Andrea: We are the literal fat cats. Were you watching her? I told you to watch her.

Uma: These paintings are super inspirational.

Valerie: Yeah, this is my house. All of it. Don’t mention that to anyone else, though, it’s a sore spot.

Valerie: Actually wait I lied, because I thought you were hot. Which you’re not.

Ian: I only came here because I thought you were rich.
Valerie: I am rich. But we can’t proceed without both our misconceptions intact. Bye!

Uma: This is a great way to work out my unnatural hatred of sausages.

Andrea: So your dad is pretty cool. You gonna be a cool dude like your dad?
Victor: If my path to cooldudeness is paved with pussy, like his was, I’m on it.

Chief: .oO(Hey, do you believe in ninjas?)

Neila: Don’t talk to the strange lady, strange dog.

Neila: So like, ninja or sword; which came first?
Valerie: …ninja?
Neila: Arbitrary nope!

Valerie: ‘k, bye.

Vicki: I think we’re going to need piano lessons for everybody.
Andrea: Bourgeoisie train has no brakes!

Valerie: Turns out “ninja” was right this time.
Neila: Ancient wisdom is super mysterious.

Vicki: I don’t even think this puzzle moves vertically.

Uma: There can be only ONE fat person and it CAN’T be ME






Vicki: Hey, are your hands tiny? Let me see those tiny hands.
Andrea: Yeah man, let her see those tiny hands!

Chief: .oO(Elf dog!)

Victor: Hey did you know-
Victor: Did you know that Lucas
William: BOO LUCAS

Victor: Someone kicked the shit out of him.
Vicki: That makes me so happy.

Victor: It was some fat chick.

…wait, is that someone teleporting?

As interesting as this is, WAS THAT SOMEONE TELEPORTING.

Oh for FUCK’S SAKE Past Grugly.

Past Grugly: I’m only past human.

William: There are EIGHT CHAIRS in this room.


Nick: Nah, there’s eight, the display just doesn’t go that high.

Andrea: So my mom…
Nick: That’s Penny.
Andrea: Roll with it.

Andrea: My mom got turned into a zombie!
Nick: Yeah, I know this.

Andrea: …by a zombie!
Nick: That’s how the process works, yes.

Nick: Wanna go somewhere ridiculous?
Andrea: Every minute of every day.




William: And remember to dust later!


William: ‘cuz they haven’t invented teleporting maids yet.

Andrea: You sure do know your ridiculousness, dude.

So does EA.

Uma: I’m not smart, but at least I can fake it!

Uma: Work fake smart, not real hard.

Andrea: I can’t think of a group of people I’d rather be stuck in an infinite loop with.

William: I can’t look.

Neila: Predestination sucks.

Neila: Maybe fat mermaids are in this year.

I’d be mad too if I exercised and then had to exercise again.

Or even just if I exercised once, really.

Valerie: Do you ever fix this damn game?


Valerie: Any time soon?




Neila: Just keep saying “sword” and “ninja” and I’ll tell you when you’re right.

I wish real life had a screenshot function.

No wait, I don’t.

Sometimes I wish this game didn’t have one.


Vicki: Haven’t you ever heard of scrubbing the air?

Andrea: Isn’t everybody super thrilled that William and Vicki just got married?
William: I thought you’d be angry. Because of, you know, your mom.
Andrea: Why would I be angry just because she’s gonna kill you all?

That’s much better, yes.

Neila: Okay, you definitely got the right answer somewhere in there.
Valerie: I’m not complaining, per se, but I feel like this is violating the spirit of the tradition somewhat.

William: Let me train you like my dad trained Cecilia.
Uma: To be a serial killer, you mean?

Vicki: Only the serial part.

Victor: Remembering you banged my grand-dad makes you much less hot.


Vicki: Ugly ugly ugly.

Uma: Who should I pretend this is?
William: It’s a punching bag. Pretend you’re a professional and it’s a punching bag.

Uma: Fuck you, punching bag!

Uma: Going around punching shit and bein’ a bag!

Victoria: I’m so glad they’re bonding.

Vicki has maxed the déjà vu skill.

Andrea: Mom would’ve hated this house.
Victor: Don’t calm your tits, I like them angry.

Neila: Yes I’m certain you can’t just squeeze out the fat!

Victor: I think this house needs more judgementally-staring portraits in it.

Valerie: I think you’re only allowed to play that if you can’t, sis.

Nick: Don’t call her “cis”! You don’t control her gender identity!

Andrea: You cool with sharing me with Nick?
Victor: Our family history is too fucked-up to not lean into that sort of thing.


Yeah, it is.

Samantha: And I say you can’t.

Neila: Told you I could.


Neila: It’s actually just a hologram of clothes. You’ll never know if you’re looking at real clothes again.

That reminds me: Prey (2017) is probably the best game ever made.

Neila: We’ll try not to take offense.

J.M. Pescado said it best: TS2 isn’t a game, it’s a tool.

Neila: You’re a tool.

Never pretended otherwise.

Samantha: Starve.

Andrea: Did you hear about Lucas?
Victor: Yes.

Andrea: He lost a fight!
Victor: I said yes! I’ve heard this story!

Victor: I’ve told this story!

I haven’t quite told this one yet, so…

Next time: the last third of it.

May there please be less crashing.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 27 May 2012.

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