The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 346

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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Welcome to This New House.


KEEP IT TOGETHER SAMANTHA

Her rapper name is T-Pose.

Teehee.

Guess who’s getting a gubernatorial mansion?

This guber.

Anthony: Will you be needing butlerage at this new address?
William: You’ll be the first but I think of if I do, Tony.

Vicki: Penny! Here to see us off?
“Penny”: I always will be.

“Penny”: Suffice to say I’ll be there whenever y’all move on.

Uma: You know what’s super weird and creepy?
William: Penny?

Uma: Nah, zombies.
William: Haha yeah.

Uma: Good talk, bossman.

William: It’s good to have you guys with us.
Vicki: Us guys are happy to become youse guys.

William: You made that sound like identity theft and given our family history that is not cool.

Uma: I think I hear the chopper!
William: Given my family’s history with axes…
Vicki: Oh everything can connected in some way to this messed-up family.

Some things have more family connections than they technically should.

It’s a joke about how he’s an incest baby, if you missed it somehow.

Uma: He what?
William: It’s a god joke! Only gods get them.

William: I just want you to know that there’s a place for you in the new house.
Uma: Um, duh? I know?
William: Do you? I wasn’t sure myself until just now.

chopchopchopchop

Vicki: Sorry, is my chopping bothering you?

William: Try not to stick your head out the window, Chief.

William: It’s time to win the dynasty game, m’boy.

Vicki: It’s time to lose this INFERNAL RACKET

Vicki: INFERNAL. RACKET.

Uma: THERE you are!
Arcadia: Huh? Did I miss something?

Valerie: Will we all fit in there?
William: Well duh! It’s a huge house!

Uma: We’re so lucky to have him.

William: No matter what he does, it is not okay to dangle him out the window.
Valerie: You know, I was gonna ask.

You always forget something.

Like how the game forgot the trees.

Farewell, Sharpeshome.

William: And hello…

William: …Sharpestone.

Victor: .oO(I’d better have one pimped-out room.)

It has a fucking fountain.

Neila: .oO(It’d better be classy-molassy.)

Your bathroom has a statue in it.

It’s classy boombalassy.

Nick: .oO(I’m gonna steal everything that isn’t nailed down.)

Your room alone is literally unfenceable.

Samantha: .oO(Finally I can escape the narrow confines of sociability.)

This house is an agorophobe’s dream.

Andrea: .oO(It had better flatter my pretensions. I’ve got some crazy-ass pretentions.)

It has more pretentions than you do.

And it uses yours as decoration.

Uma: .oO(Um… kitchen, dining room, pool room.)

Thanks for biting the bullet on that one.

We have considerably more rooms than people.

And I was wondering how to keep the framing narrative going.

Valerie: .oO(I hope my gloominess and dullness will be properly accommodated.)

I used your gloominess thematically.

And created several spaces for you to be dull in.

Vicki: .oO(Brat storage? And post-brat decompression chamber?)

Ample…

…and attractive.

William: .oO(You know what Captain Sparkles and I want to see.)

Oh, I think you’ll be pleased.

William Jr.: .oO(Whatever man, whatever’s left.)

You can never have too many bathrooms.

Never.

Unless you run out of captions for them, that is.

Chief: Woof!

The spare room? It’s right here.

And this is William’s office. Thanks for asking!

The concept of hubris, distilled into house form.

Oh, there’s also room for all your fucking crap.

Naturally.

Of course everyone is too focused on sex to care. Thanks guys.

Nick: If you wanted us to pay attention you should have made us uglier.

William: Let the festivities commence! And not abate until the taxpayer-provided budget has run dry.

William: Which is to say, the food supply.

Victory: What? What the fuck do you want?
William: Brother!
Victor: Only by blood, man.

Neila: What is this weird stuffed animal?
Andrea: That’s a real animal.
Neila: What’s a “real” animal?

Vanessa: Alvin! You came!
Alvin: How can you tell? Thought my pants?

Chelsea: Oh, very appropriate.
Neil: You are referring to the traditional attire of my people, the Christmasdelphians?

Victor: This is what we wanted to do to you on the ‘copter, kid.

Nick: *breaks his wrist and punches Andrea in the head*

Samantha: Please don’t swing me, the attachment points are malfunctioning again.

Neil: Who’s the whoever?

Just whoever.

William: Good to see you again, dad. Thanks for coming. And for not being dead anymore.

Neil: Neither thing was my idea, but I’m okay with both.

Chelsea: I find you to be a charmless, ominous rodent of a man.
Vanessa: She’s got you pegged, Alvin.
Alvin: Some of those words have appeared in my evaluations, even!

Uma: Sensible formalwear whaaat.
Neil: You are casting subtle aspersions on the costume of my culture, Santa-worship?

William: Please don’t look at the bubble.

William Jr.: Who are you?
Vanessa: I would ask you the same, but it is kinda obvious.

Neila: Why’s she here?
Samantha: She’s friends with dad.
Nick: Friends with benefits with dad, more like.

Valerie: Don’t knock it ’til… you can’t actually try it, so just don’t knock it.

William: I thought we could get married at the threshold.
Vicki: With all our friends and family! And Neil.

Andrea: Let me just blooooock your view.

Brittany: Fuck, the Santa Claus Parade’s today?!

Samantha: It’s nice to see you all have such a strong sense of occasion.

Oh. Ahem.

Do you-

Vicki: We do.

Okay, well, then I do, and you may.

William: We will.

Neila: Is something cool happening up there?
Samantha: It depends on who your parents are.

Chelsea: Clap if you’re still gonna fuck William!
Uma: Hells yeah! Wait Nick why are you clapping?
Nick: The word “fuck” has many meanings.

Andrea: One big family now, eh, Little Willy?
Elle: Hey there, big guy?
Andrea: He’s not BIG he’s LITTLE I just SAID that.

Neil: Ah, the only wife I didn’t divorce.
Chelsea: The only wife who didn’t divorce you, you mean.
Neil: Sure, believe the official version why don’t you.

Vanessa: Gerbitz non sufficit!
Alvin: Huh?
Neila: It’s the family motto!
Alvin: What’s it mean?
Neila: Roughly translated it means “learn Latin.”

William: Calm your flashbacks, woman.

Uma: Sooooooo do we get to enter the house now, orrrr…?

Brittany: What say I just run them all over.
Valerie: What say.

William: Oh hey there, Van! Thought you were outside. And alive. Heheh. It’s funny because of how long she was dead for.

Not as funny as commissioning a statue of your sister in her underwear.

William: Statues and sisters plural, thank you very much.

William: Oops. I meant to carry you over the threshold, not at it.
Vicki: Just wave me back and forth a bit, it’ll count.

Brittany: Fucking FINALLY.

CLUNK CHANK CRUNK

Brittany: Hope those benches were rented.

Neila: We can come in now, yeah?
William: Yeah, see what your dad and your step-mom and your grandma and your grandpa and pretty much everyone but your mother helped build.

Elle: This convention slope-chins only or?

Andrea: Peace normies.

FOOMPF

Victor: The FOOMPFing was not covered in the initial brief.

Andrea: You handled the hyperspace transition really well, Will.
William Jr.: I’m pretty spaced out most of the time, yeah.

Neila: You are not gonna believe what he did, Aunt Vanessa.
Vanessa: Ohhhh yes I am.

Vanessa: Vanity thy name is Sharpe.

Thy middle names are Neil…

…and Victoria. Oh, Victoria. You’re still dead.

Vanessa: Otherwise that statue would not have been allowed, let me tell you.

Vanessa: These are some long-ass stairs. Apparently.

I’m sorry, this is just the best lighting-and-subject combination I’ve seen in a long time.

I mean fuuuuck.

Vanessa: …fuuuuck is riiiight.

Vanessa: The wife statue, okay.

Vanessa: The sister statue recontextualizes them both into serial killer statues, which, you know, unfortunate.

Vanessa: But it’s the shrine to his own penis that really makes the space, don’t you think?

I do. I really do.

Naturally the game will prioritize the statues as neighbourhood walkbys for the next hundred years.

Victor: I’ve so wanted to meet you, grandpa.
Neil: I chose my most grandpatherly attire for the occasion!

Hey! No bashy-faces in the baby room!

Andrea: Or maybe only bashy-faces in the baby room?

I will consider your thoughtful proposal.

Chelsea: Hey, how come mad science isn’t illegal?
Alvin: Because it existed before laws and got grandpathered in.

Well look at you.

Andrea: I’m worried that William Jr. isn’t getting the proper amount of evil in his upbringing.

William: So here’s the thing.
Vicki: I like things!

William: The ground floor’s connected to the… second floor!

William: The second floor’s connected to like… two rooms!

William: You have to teleport to get into everywhere else.

Neila: Ooh, you’re teaching her the family secret?
William: It’s not really a “family secret” when it’s something you brought home from another country.
Neila: Man, what kind of bad imperialist are you.

William: Alright, so which came first, the ninja or the sword?
Vicki: What?
William: Just say “the ninja.”
Vicki: The ninja.
William: Yep! It’ll be the wrong answer next time, maybe, but yep.

Neil: I’m ready to pump the flesh.

Great.

Neil: Glad-hand.

Cool.

Neil: Sex.

William: Okay, so, in the face of your basic adversity, I ask you…. courage or wisdom? Go with courage.
Neila: It’s definitely wisdom, though.

William: Great. You’re not worthy.
Neila: That’s mean.

William: Okay I’m not even gonna ask the question. Say “know yourself.”
Neila: Know yourself yourself.
William: That counts.

Neila: Ancient traditions are dumb.

Vicki: Modern ones are worse.

♪ Our house, is a very very very fine house ♪

♪ With two cats in the yard ♪

♪ Life used to be so hard ♪

♪ Now everything is easy ♪

Nick: ♪ ‘cuz of you.
William: Aw, you’re too kind! And correct.

Neil: It is super hard not to punk some shit.

Uma: I think your food just impregnated me.

Nick: The ninja.
William: No.
Nick: Courage.
William: No. Let me ask the question first!
Nick: Courage.
William: No! I said no already!
Nick: The enemy.
William: WHAT ENEMY
Nick: The enemy.
William: …yes.

William: Courage or wisdom?
Victor: Courage.
William: Nah. Lightning round!
Uma: This is fun!

Vanessa: This is ridiculous.

William: Know your enemy.
Victor: Okay.
William: Say it, though.
Victor: Say what?
William: GOOD ENOUGH WE’RE DONE.

Cool, ‘cuz I’m needed elsewhere.

Okay wanted.

Okay I want it.

Victor: Allow me to be your vicar.

My what?

Victor: For your vicarous enjoyment, of course.

Uma: Knowing the enemy gives a ninja supreme tactical advantage.
Nick: Boo, don’t take this so seriously.
William: I think Van is eating the road food.

Vanessa: You can dress me up fancy but I’ve still got like zero Neat points.

Victor: Gee I hope you’re not naked.

Chelsea: No pressure.

Victor: Oh darn.

Victor: I’d better make you feel comfortable, then.

Vicki: Yeah, I’m super uncomfortable right now.

Vicki: It’s nice of you to dress for the occasion.

Victor: So now you’ve seen my balls.
Vicki: We’re becoming such a close family, your mother would be so proud.

I feel like this might be the least elder-friendly house imaginable.

Andrea: Yeah, teleportation-only is like the opposite of wheelchair-friendly.

Nick is playing in the bathtub.

I’ve managed to make said bathtub completely unphotographable.

Andrea: Nobody with those glasses should get to use the sexy walk.

Nick: So what’s a White girl like you doing in a Sharpe place like this?

Nick: Aw come ON.
Uma: I guess no house is ever truly big enough.

Uma: I heard there was a hidden tub and I just had to try it out.

Andrea: My word, Mr. Sharpe!
Nick: Sharpe-Enriquez, thanks. I value all of my murdery heritage.

Andrea: I sympathize completely.

William: So would you have cheated on Vicki eventually, do you think? Because you cheated on the other two.
Neil: Were there only two? I guess your mother felt like six wives.

Myrtle: I am governor now. The governor of plates.

Neil: I was super into Vicki. We’d still be married if she hadn’t died.
William: I don’t believe you.
Neil: You never should.

Vicki: Good news! Ending up naked in a tub with your son-in-law doesn’t make your wedding party a failure!

Myrtle: I really like your penis sculpture, Mr. Sharpe.
William: I really like that you like it.
Neil: I want you to know that I possess virtually that exact same penis.

William: How much did that secretary cost you, dad?
Neil: A few decades of being dead.
William: Hmm.

William: How’d you like to see my flesh in the flesh?

William: I had them slightly understate it on the sculpture.
Myrtle: I don’t see how that’s physically possible. But I want to believe.

Victor: You are some fantastic.
Vicki: Thanks.
Victor: Wasn’t talking to your face.

Vicki: Well there’s your chance blown.
Victor: Not what I was hoping to see blown.

Victor: Fine, get o-

FOOMPF

Victor: AT LEAST LET ME REJECT YOU PROPERLY

Uma: Guys! You’re embarassing the fixtures.

Uma: The fuck do you want, lady?
Nick: Oh shit oh shit what’s happening.
Andrea: You’re in love?
Nick: I’M TOO COOL FOR THAT

Andrea: Men, am I right?
Neila: I don’t think there’s enough of a statement there for you to be right or wrong.

Andrea: This is why nobody will date you, Neila.

Vicki: Hot-tub shenanigans. Really.

This was 2012. I was young.

Vicki: You were twenty-six.

I will always be young.

Neil: Don’t you have a wife?
William: Exactly! Got her locked in, now. This is a target of opportunity.

Do you actually know how to cook salmon?

Vicki: We’ll find out.

Victor: Let me kiss your neckspace.
Vicki: Fine. I’ll hover-suck your forehead.

Victor: Are we a thing now?
Vicki: You are a thing.
Victor: Yes.
Vicki: And I am faithful.

Neil: Keep scarfing, we’re on the public dime here!

Neila: We’re on the private dime, but it’s still somebody else’s.

Myrtle: What a romantic spot this is.
William: I’ve been told my ass is the most romantic of all possible asses.

In other news Samantha needs all her makeup and hair removed.

Neila: And her FINGERS
Victor: So I’ve decided you must be gay.
Vicki: Oh yeah?
Victor: No straight woman could resist my manflesh.
Vicki: This sounds like a healthy worldview, run with it.

Neil: Here’s to second chances.
Valerie: Real and imagined.

Valerie: And real.

Victor: Here’s to FUCKING STOP IT SAMANTHA

Vicki: Here’s to divine intervention.

And here’s to you, EA, you cocksucking donkeyfuckers.

Next time: yeah, we only lost like ten minutes.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 26 May 2012.

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