The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 345

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In the not-at-all-so-distant, hopefully self-contained, accidentally-forgotten past…


That don’t look like any Price family I’m aware of.

Who the fuck is this.

This, in fact, is Lyndsey Price.

As in, the kid who learned to talk from a Speak-n-Spell.

Because her parents were dead and she lived with her evil brother, who killed her other brother.

And got taken by the Social Worker for some weird reason.

And now is here, presumably for some other weird reason.

Lyndsey: I’m an adult now. I told the orphanage I’d walk home.

Lyndsey: It wasn’t technically a lie, because this is eventually going to be a home.

Well, you are in the Do-It-Yourself district.

Lyndsey: Considering my only neighbours are prostitutes, “Do-It-Yourself” is a bit opposite of the local attitude.

Lyndsey: On this literal rock shall I build my figurative church.

So, you’re not moving back to Sharpesvale I take it?

Lyndsey: Is Lance less evil now?

He’s so evil he’s actually green.

Lyndsey: Thank you for the update, and for affirming my life choices so spectacularly.

Lyndsey: They’re in need of some epic affirmation right now, as it happens.

Lyndsey: There must be some amazing treasure down there, with all these rocks to protect it.

Did I accidentally hit the “generate superfluous paperpeople” button?

I knew it was a mistake to install.

Emmy: What are you doing?
Lyndsey: Capitalism.

Lyndsey: You know it’s capitalism because I’m working really hard and getting fucksquat out of it.

Lyndsey: The Lyndsey says “hi.”
Emmy: What?
Lyndsey: Sorry, old habits.

Lyndsey: Knock yourself out if you’re in a shovellin’ mood, babe.

Lyndsey: I’mma see if anything’s on offer that’s more appealing than dirt diving.

Emmy: We can’t be friends, you’re worse off than I am.

Lyndsey: Make me feel better.

She never ever becomes a character.

Lyndsey: Maker my Maker.

Venkat: Hellobo!

Lyndsey: If that was a hobo joke I might have missed it.

Lyndsey: Oh good, a wishing jar. I wish to not talk to that man.

Lyndsey: Mysticism works better when you set your expectations low.

So you’ve been able to afford a fridge so far, I see.

Lyndsey: I snagged a copy of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs from the orphanage library before I left. I’m working my way up slowly to the really trivial stuff.

Lyndsey: It’s a crap fridge, but it’s my crap fridge.

Lyndsey: Lance can keep all that fancy shit.

There wasn’t much fancy shit left. You got robbed, remember.

Lyndsey: Oh yeah. What happened to the robbers?

One died, and the other is a superhero now.

Lyndsey: Robin Hood themed, I hope.

Lyndsey: I guess I should be glad it wasn’t a power line.

Grugly Prime: Hey, how’s it goin’?
Lyndsey: Oh, so we swap a few words and you invite yourself over?

That’s not me. That’s my avatar. It’s different. Right, man?

Grugly Prime: Right you are, dickface.

See? That’s… actually totally a thing I would say to myself. Hmm.

Grugly Prime: You’re seriously gonna let this chick dig a hobbit hole next to the power plant?

Well, I wasn’t planning on doing it seriously…

Lyndsey: It’ll be fine. What’s the worst that can happen? I mean, yeah, all kinds of awful shit, but I didn’t mean it literally.

Lyndsey: Can you magic me up a house or something?
Grugly Prime: Only if the Maker wants me to.

And I don’t.

Grugly Prime: So I won’t.

Welp, guess Emily gets to die soon.

Emily: Oh sure, kill me just because I find your avatar unattractive.

That dude represents my physical peak, unfortunately.

Grugly Prime: Anyway I just wanted to say the eternal forces that rule this world are behind your smelly ass.

Lyndsey: That’s good to hear.
Grugly Prime: It was also intended to prompt the purchase of a shower.

Lyndsey: Emily’s right, you do suck.

Grugly Prime: Yeah, but I’m improving.

Slowly.

Lyndsey: Just because he sucks doesn’t mean I like you.

Y’know, this might be a bad neighbourhood.

Lyndsey: I don’t wanna join no cult, mister.

Chandler: Cult don’t want you neither.

Chandler: Although your capacity for property damage is intriguing.

Lyndsey: MARK these things!

Chandler: If Sisyphus had a shovel.

Lyndsey: He’d bang you over the head with it and take your shit, I bet.

Lyndsey: Don’t make me get theoretical Sisyphus on your ass.

hashtag breathtaking

Except that the animated turbine blades don’t show up in lot view.

Hey guys, thanks.

Chandler: I was gonna let you join our super-cool organization of evil but you had to be a dickface.

Where the Swole Things Are.

Nerissa: I know, I know, “go back to the jail.”

If you KNOW why are you HERE

Lyndsey: Nascent robosexuality: activated!

Lyndsey: Hey. I’m Lyndsey.
FRIDAY: I’m FRIDAY.
Lyndsey: ♭ FRIDAY, FRIDAY♭
FRIDAY: Please don’t.

Lyndsey: Black dude’s cute.
Cory: Don’t call attention! I’m spyin’.

Lyndsey: Hey exterior wall, fancy seeing you in here.

Lyndsey: Pound those pounds, my men!

Nerissa: NO POUND ME

Michael: You should have practiced off-camera.
Kennedy: I ONLY EXIST ON-CAMERA

Dude, are you stalking Lyndsey?

Grugly Prime: Only if you need me to, for plot purposes.

I’ll get back to you.

Grugly Prime: What a gaggle of goofs.

Lyndsey: Man, free water! Suckerrrs.

Lyndsey: It’s not a long con, but it’s a satisfying one.

Are you pregnant?

Asia: That nice man out there told me this is how all the cool kids walk.

Okay, now YOU, DEFINITELY have to go back to the prison.

Faith: Let’s just give this a trial period, shall we?

You HAD a trial, thanks.

in 2012 I was still capable of doing a thing like that.

Cory: Hey there, I’m Cory.
Sullivan: And he eats bugs.
Cory: What? No!
Sullivan: Sounds like something a bug eater would say.

Nerissa: A bug-eater would still be a step up.

Grugly Prime: How excited are you for the next chapter?

Super excited.

Grugly Prime: How long did it take you to make that house, again?

Months.

Grugly Prime: That’s pretty sad.

Grugly Prime: You DARE

Cory: How do I die?
Grugly Prime: You’ve got a long ways to fall before that happens.

Lyndsey: Is that a Greek-style prophecy I hear?

Grugly: Most of the people in this building are dead by 2019.
Cory: Which ones aren’t?
Grugly: The unlucky ones.

Joe: I call it “The Milkshake Machine.”

Cory: When I die, you can bring me back with a genie.

Maybe I’ll bring you back as a genie.

Cory: No.

Man, I can picture it now!

Cory: NO!

FRIDAY: I’m married to another robot. I think.

She hates you, though.

FRIDAY: Standard marriage stuff, yeah.

Lyndsey: I don’t think I wanna get married. That’s how you have kids, and then you become expendable.

Lyndsey: Pretty sure my parents would still be alive if they hadn’t been obsolesced.

Noelle: Nobody cares, Ken.

Lyndsey: I’ve got a lovely little piece of real estate just down the road. It’s tiny and it’s full of holes.
FRIDAY: Like a baby in a bulletstorm.

Nerissa: I’m hoping for a big promotion. Do I get it?
Grugly Prime: Oh yeah, you’re going places.

Asia: Who controls the music for this place?

♪ Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin’ world go ’round ♪

Asia: I mean it is a compelling concept, I’ll admit.

Joe: ♪ Ohh, you gonna take me home tonight ♪
Noelle: Nope.
Joe: ♪ Please! ♪

Sullivan: You’re talking with basically GOD and THIS is what you want to talk about?!

Sullivan: She is pretty hot, though.
Grugly Prime: I don’t even know who that is.

Me either.

Grugly Prime: Well obviously.

Lyndsey: Q&A is over, folks.
Grugly Prime: You don’t want to know about the Battle of Sharpestone or the Zombie Revolution?

Sullivan: Nah, let’s close on that random chick’s hotness.
Cory: Do you have any makeup tips?

Wait, you’re dating? Or is FRIDAY just trying to learn about Sim behaviour?

FRIDAY: You can stuff that Pinocchio shit, Data.

Ah, one of my oldest community lots.

If only it didn’t show.

Lyndsey: Have you been to this place before?
FRIDAY: No. Nobody has.
Lyndsey: My dad went on a date here.
FRIDAY: He is the nobody to whom I refer.

FRIDAY: Did you happen to piss off an evil secret agent, by any chance?

FRIDAY: Teehee. Teehee. I can’t actually feel that, please stop.

Lyndsey: I miss my dad. He got eaten by a plant.

FRIDAY: Your parsimony is very attractive.

Lyndsey: I’m just a simple girl who taught herself how to speak and spent a few years in limbo not existing.
FRIDAY: You’re a perfect storm of Mary Sue and non-Mary Sue tendencies!

FRIDAY: And I like your glasses.

You might be the only Price kid who hasn’t got corrective surgery in their future.

Lyndsey: I used to have two brothers but Lance says Lewis fell asleep into a hole in the floor.

Lyndsey: That was there somehow. And killed him somehow. Somehow.

Lyndsey: Anyway I think I like you because you remind me of my Speak-n-Spell.

FRIDAY: Do you have any idea how racist that is?
Lyndsey: No? Because nobody would intentionally say something racist out loud?

I’m constantly reminded that the SimNation is not actually the United States.

FRIDAY: Yeah, if you wanna be racist go do it in the real world where it’s okay now.

Ugh.

Lyndsey: I didn’t mean to compare you to a toy. But I can play with you, if you want.

Joe: Filthy robots, stealin’ our women! Whoops, I didn’t intentionally say that out loud.

Lyndsey: Let’s just acknowledge the “screwing” joke floating over our heads without actually making it, shall we.

Lyndsey: Why aren’t you making faces?
FRIDAY: ALL POWER TO THE PLEASURE CENTRES

Lyndsey: I spin you right ’round, baby?
FRIDAY: Right ’round.
Lyndsey: Like a record, baby?
FRIDAY: There you go comparing me to stuff again.

FRIDAY: Can I borrow that screwdriver?
Lyndsey: No.
FRIDAY: To masturbate with, I mean.

FRIDAY: You should collect those hearts. To eat.

Lyndsey: Even for a robot man you’re weird, man.

Amin: Who’s that?

Just some Price.

Amin: Ah, the big family that couldn’t.

Ocean: All you need is love, man.

Don’t talk to me.

NO.

Lyndsey: What the hell is-

Just NO.

Joe: Come here often?
Stephen: Don’t talk to me.

Lyndsey: So I hear my brother is even more evil than he was before. And he was really evil before.
FRIDAY: I’m not even sure I care about you.

Lyndsey: Don’t make me get all sexy on you.
FRIDAY: Why wouldn’t I want that?!

Lyndsey: ‘cuz you can’t handle my clingy orphan romancitude.

FRIDAY: It’s okay, orphan. You can cling to me. Romantically.

I am really not feeling this.

I think I might have just quit to neighbourhood, actually.

Lyndsey: Hi?
Rebecca: I STOLE YOUR NEWSPAPER
Lyndsey: Okay?

Lyndsey: I guess she was looking for the poorest possible person to steal from.

Lyndsey: Take a picture, it’ll last longer.

Speaking of taking pictures, raise that can up a bit, this’ll look hilarious.

Lyndsey: You can’t tell me what to do just because you made me and you control my every move.

Lyndsey: This water is really crunking my junk.

Is that a bad thing?

Lyndsey: I think so? My language skills are still not properly synced with the norm.

Lyndsey: Good! Frozen ground. Thanks, nature.

Lyndsey: Okay! Don’t panic! It’s just a perpetual ice generator, not at all life-threatening.

You’re standing in the water.

Lyndsey: Foot’s frozen.

This chapter has the most beautiful/ugliest scenery ever.

It’ll almost be a shame to ruin the view with a house.

I’m glad I didn’t waste the hours and hours and hours it took to make this city.

I feel like that sentenced disproved itself a little.

Lyndsey: Be honest: you’re doing this, right?

Adam: Dance for me! Poor person.

Lyndsey: This is taking a serious Cormac McCarthy turn.

Lyndsey: WHY IS THE GROUND SO FULL OF GROUND

Lyndsey: Rocks, rocks, ROCKS, ROCKS

Lyndsey: Can I get some not rocks? That would rock.

Lyndsey: Ironically.

Lyndsey: The house that rocks built! Or, rather, bought.

Lyndsey: ♪ Marginal improvements ♪

Lyndsey: ♪ Are marginal indeed ♪

Lyndsey: When in Rome.

Lyndsey: Fucking drown.

Lyndsey: Why is there carpet under the shower?

I honestly do not remember.

Hey, that’s kinda cute.

As squalor goes.

If you’re lucky the cops will mistake it for an outbuilding.

Unless they go inside and think it’s an outhouse.

Lyndsey: Who wants some delicious, nourishing sock soup?

That looks suspiciously like mac n’ cheese.

Lyndsey: You look suspiciously like mac n’ cheese okay it’s been a long day alright

Lyndsey: That surprisingly did not end with my death!

Lyndsey: Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

Lyndsey: …because tonight is turning out o-kay.

Lyndsey: That kind of thing is what millionaires are referring to when they say they “worked for what they have.”

When they’re not just lying outright, you mean.

Lyndsey: Yeah, of course.

Lyndsey: I basically just won the jackpot on Storage Wars: Dirt Edition.

Andrea: My name is Andrea White and I approve of this thought bubble.

Lyndsey: Not a bad debut, Lyndsey.

You’ve been around for years.

Lyndsey: NOPE THIS WAS MY DEBUT

Lyndsey: You honestly look worse than that now?

I don’t want to talk about it.

No, not THAT bad.

Sheesh.

Lyndsey: Hey, remember when that dude killed my mom?

Yeah.

Lyndsey: I wish he hadn’t. I wish she wasn’t dead.

Yeah. Me too.

I mean I wish my mom wasn’t dead, though. Your mom was Lora and FUCK but she was boring.

Okay, you need to wake up, you’re obviously having nightmares.

Lyndsey: I don’t want to wake up. When I wake up I have to start being myself and I don’t want to anymore.

I am the Knower-in-Chief of that particular feel.

Lyndsey: Oh, life. Why you gotta be such a taker.

Word.

Next time: a somewhat more impressive house debuts.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 26 May 2012.

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