The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 344

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

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In which dates are firsted.

Ah, it looks so much better without Joshua.

Ember: Hey, could you put all your ginger ale on hold for me?

Sullivan: Why am I still here.

Ember: Thanks for the lead, but I think even this neighbourhood would frown on a pregnant woman visiting the prison to get laid.

I hate it.

Wren: Well that’s one point in its favour!

It clips through your face.

Wren: Hey, as long as it annoys you, I’m satisfied.

You are just an inferior Ember.

Wren: You should have called me Spark.

Or Coal.

Xavier: This womrat is giving me an EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

Ivy: I think the colour in my thought balloons is going off.

Xavier: So do we have a live-in, do-nothing butler now?

Wren: More like a live-in pervert.

You’d better hope he does nothing.

Wait, did you…

Wren: You can never have too much money.

Xavier: If “too much money” was a thing, baby, you’d be it.
Ivy: That’s just convoluted enough for me to appreciate!

SEGUE

Wren: Has anyone ever actually bought fruit here?

No, and I wouldn’t. It’s nearly a century old at this point.

Brady: Hey Mrs. Fox-Murphy. Got de-aged again, I see.

MEEP MEEP

PSSSSSHH

Joy: Neat.

You’re not here, you’re trapped in a basement.

Nathaniel: Luckily you forgot.

Nathaniel: I’mma use this opportunity to fawn over a superhero rather than asking her, or the police chief, for help.
Wren: The police chief is too busy hogging the WOMEN’S CLOTHING RACK.

Victor: I speak on behalf of the entire force when I say stop doing what you’re doing.
Jizelle: Oou, tell zem I zaid “hi!”

Victor: Bit small-busted for a superhero, aren’t you?

Wren: So the police chief is a dick.

If it makes you feel any better, he’s a small dick.

SPLOOSH

WHAT.

Xavier: I-

Nevermind I don’t care.

Xavier: Would you do me the honour of doing me the honour?

Ivy: I agree to agree.

Ember: Yeah, money is literally raining from the sky. Rich life is tough.

Spend some of it on a new haircut.

Wren: Hivy!

Ivy: I refuse to respond to that.

Xavier: OBSERVE MY STRENGTH

OBSERVE MY INAPPROPRIATE CEILING

That much better suits your useless personality.

Wren: Yep, that’s what I was going for.

Wren: Man I’m useless.

What’s more, it’s contagious.

Your roofer is gonna love you.

Ivy: Why do you keep trying to touch me?
Xavier: Because I’m not sure you’re real.

Xavier: God has led me to believe that nobody wants to date me.

That’s totally inaccurate.

My title is “The Maker,” not “God.”

Xavier: I can’t believe I might get to pass my genes on after all.

Hey, let’s not be hasty. You’ve got a lot of Murphy in you.

TRANSITION

Ivy: If that’s gonna become the norm you should probably start captioning properly.

CAN’T IMPROVE ME

WON’T LET YOU

Brooke: Am I a character yet?

Wait a few dozen years.

Speaking of things that really ought to wait.

Brooke: I want to be a character now!
Xavier: I have it on good authority that I’m only B-list. I don’t think I can help you.

Xavier: Also I don’t want to.

Ivy: Brady is hot like my RAGE

Xavier: What’s your rage about?
Ivy: A burglar.
Xavier: Girl, everybody gets burgled around here. You roll with it.

Xavier: My mom’s boyfriend just died, and do you see her even slightly bummed? No!

Xavier: I’d be bummed if you died, though.
Ivy: Aw! That is the bare minimum amount of charming!

Ivy: You’re benefiting a lot from this being my first date.

Ivy: A gift! What is it?
Xavier: One of those potions you can use to find me hotter.

Ivy: What if I use it to find other people hotter?
Xavier: I might call the cops? Surely that’s illegal.

Ivy: It might be fun to find out.

Ivy: What a nice boy, trying to change me already.

Brady: Dude, could you not wait ten seconds.
Xavier: I’m making a soundtrack for our date.

♪ On this useless night ♪

♪ With you so far away ♪

♪ I stand in front of this Ferris Wheel ♪

Xavier: And I wonder WHAT AM I DOING HERE

Xavier: And I wonder WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!

Xavier: Or rather, why am I doing it with Ivy.

It’s a fair question.

Xavier: Hi. Do you know how incredibly hot you are?

Xavier: So incredibly.

Stephen: In the end, my kids are my kids.

Xavier: Clouds. Who needs ’em?
Brooke: RIGHT?!

Xavier: Right.

Xavier: Okay, I’ve done the rounds and you’re still the hottest.
Stephen: You don’t tell them that!

The Unsavoury Charlatan: Nice hop, bunny boy.

Ivy: I dunno, I feel like I can do better than you.

Xavier: Well I can’t do better than you.
Ivy: So you’re saying I have all the power! Interesting.

Xavier: I accept your charity.

Ivy: Wow, kissing is only like half as gross as I thought it would be!
Xavier: I guess I thought it would be less gross.

Green genocide please.

Xavier: That dude’s death is, like, the only thing that’s ever happened.

Ivy: I can’t believe I found someone who’s led a more boring life than I have.

Xavier: I know, we’re in a parking lot, and we’re dancing…

You’re safe. Not because I like you, but because I don’t like repeating gags.

Xavier: The Maker’s not gonna kill us tonight!
Ivy: What about tomorrow?
Xavier: Uh, only if our date goes badly.

Ivy: Well we can’t have that then.

Xavier: He didn’t actually say that.
Ivy: And I only kissed you because I knew the guilt would make you backtrack.

And then she threw jpeg compression all over him.

Ivy: I’m just trying to reduce his file size.

Xavier: Good idea, it’s getting huge right now.

Ivy: Ho boy.

Xavier: This has been a surprisingly good date.
Ivy: Why “surprisingly”?
Xavier: My presence is an automatic handicap.

Jade: They’ve been building that place for ages.

Yeah, well, you’ll fucking see why.

Soon.

Victor: Whoah whoah whoah! You can’t just ugly up on a guy like that!

Ivy: Looks like you need more compression.

Xavier: Compress my lumps with yours, baby.

Xavier: Yes! I’ve graduated to one-liners! Being a teen is awesome.

Ivy: And you wear it acceptably.

*gross noises*

Ivy: What disgusting music we make!

Xavier: I have to go home and change my pants.

Alvin: You’re looking lovely today.

That, is a counter.

Alvin: Racist.

Ian: My soul for a bit part.
Xavier: Can’t do nothin’ for you, son.

Wren: CENTRE THE ATTENTION ON ME

Why on earth won’t you leave.

Sullivan: We’re just two kisses passing in the night, red.

Ember: He’s right, you need to fuck off already.

Ivy: This is awesome. I’ve got a dude, and his sister can be my less-hot best friend!

Wren: Somebody decapitated our flamingo.

Xavier: We thought we’d get the awkward parental dinner out of the way early.

Ivy: So, what do you do for a living, Mrs. Fox-Murphy?
Wren: She’s a world-famous rock star.

Xavier: Don’t blame yourself, at least two or three people in the entire world haven’t heard of her.

Ivy: Hey man, thanks.

Xavier: I understand, you’re too indie for the mainstream.
Ivy: Hahaha, fuck off.
Xavier: I bet your favourite band uses gerbils to play tea cups.

Ivy: You’re getting to be a lot, buddy.
Xavier: I’m stupid with love, what can I say?
Ivy: You can not say “love” on a first date, for starters.

Why are you eating in your fucking BEDROOM?

Wren: Why is there a TABLE in our fucking bedroom?

…

…point.

Wren: THIS is why I was eating there.

Wren: I mean I guess she can be my less-hot best friend or something.

Xavier: I can’t breathe and I don’t care.

Wren: Everybody got focus today except me.

I would argue it wasn’t all positive focus.

Ivy: Okay, about that word you shouldn’t have used.
Xavier: Are you about to tell me I should grab your ass?

Xavier: Because I was already in the process.

Ivy: This escalated quickly.

Xavier: Man, you’re not kidding.

Ivy: Burglar of my heart.

Xavier: Okay! You’re not leaving. You’re getting into my bed. I’m sure that makes some kind of sense.

Xavier: Are we married now?
Ivy: Yes, and if you snore we’re getting a divorce.

Xavier: I don’t know if I snore. I’ve never listened to myself sleep.

Xavier: Girl in my bed!

That’s peak bed, my man!

Xavier: “Peak.” Yes. That’s the word.

Xavier: Luck status: pushing.

Ivy: I’ll allow it, but try anything funny and I’ll ass-mash your balls.

Wren: He does snore, just so’s you knows.

Bust of Tylopoda: I’m sorry, date flower, it’s just not working out between us.

Xavier: Do we not have a “sleep through the night” hack installed?

I thought we did. But then, it’s kind of difficult keeping track of my sixteen thousand CC files.

Wren: You’d better be planning a hot boyfriend for me.

Very little of my planning involves attractive men.

Wren: Well make me gay then.

Sure, we can do that.

Ivy: Mornin’ dude!
Xavier: Mornin’, hallucination!

Xavier: Wait, you must be real. I only hear Wren’s piano playing in my nightmares, not my dreams!

Elle: I could stand around like a dipshit. Make me playable.

Ivy: I had a great time!
Xavier: Move in with us?
Ivy: And leave my crazy dad and his weird new girlfriend? And my sister who already ran away? And my baby brother whose name I don’t remember? Wow it sounds pretty easy when I say it out loud like that.