Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.
Updates whenever I damn well please!
In which dates are firsted.
Ah, it looks so much better without Joshua.
Ember: Hey, could you put all your ginger ale on hold for me?
Sullivan: Why am I still here.
Ember: Thanks for the lead, but I think even this neighbourhood would frown on a pregnant woman visiting the prison to get laid.
I hate it.
Wren: Well that’s one point in its favour!
It clips through your face.
Wren: Hey, as long as it annoys you, I’m satisfied.
You are just an inferior Ember.
Wren: You should have called me Spark.
Xavier: This womrat is giving me an EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
Ivy: I think the colour in my thought balloons is going off.
Xavier: So do we have a live-in, do-nothing butler now?
Wren: More like a live-in pervert.
You’d better hope he does nothing.
Wait, did you…
Wren: You can never have too much money.
Xavier: If “too much money” was a thing, baby, you’d be it.
Ivy: That’s just convoluted enough for me to appreciate!
Wren: Has anyone ever actually bought fruit here?
No, and I wouldn’t. It’s nearly a century old at this point.
Brady: Hey Mrs. Fox-Murphy. Got de-aged again, I see.
You’re not here, you’re trapped in a basement.
Nathaniel: Luckily you forgot.
Nathaniel: I’mma use this opportunity to fawn over a superhero rather than asking her, or the police chief, for help.
Wren: The police chief is too busy hogging the WOMEN’S CLOTHING RACK.
Victor: I speak on behalf of the entire force when I say stop doing what you’re doing.
Jizelle: Oou, tell zem I zaid “hi!”
Victor: Bit small-busted for a superhero, aren’t you?
Wren: So the police chief is a dick.
If it makes you feel any better, he’s a small dick.
Nevermind I don’t care.
Xavier: Would you do me the honour of doing me the honour?
Ivy: I agree to agree.
Ember: Yeah, money is literally raining from the sky. Rich life is tough.
Spend some of it on a new haircut.
Ivy: I refuse to respond to that.
Xavier: OBSERVE MY STRENGTH
OBSERVE MY INAPPROPRIATE CEILING
That much better suits your useless personality.
Wren: Yep, that’s what I was going for.
Wren: Man I’m useless.
What’s more, it’s contagious.
Your roofer is gonna love you.
Ivy: Why do you keep trying to touch me?
Xavier: Because I’m not sure you’re real.
Xavier: God has led me to believe that nobody wants to date me.
That’s totally inaccurate.
My title is “The Maker,” not “God.”
Xavier: I can’t believe I might get to pass my genes on after all.
Hey, let’s not be hasty. You’ve got a lot of Murphy in you.
Ivy: If that’s gonna become the norm you should probably start captioning properly.
CAN’T IMPROVE ME
WON’T LET YOU
Brooke: Am I a character yet?
Wait a few dozen years.
Speaking of things that really ought to wait.
Brooke: I want to be a character now!
Xavier: I have it on good authority that I’m only B-list. I don’t think I can help you.
Xavier: Also I don’t want to.
Ivy: Brady is hot like my RAGE
Xavier: What’s your rage about?
Ivy: A burglar.
Xavier: Girl, everybody gets burgled around here. You roll with it.
Xavier: My mom’s boyfriend just died, and do you see her even slightly bummed? No!
Xavier: I’d be bummed if you died, though.
Ivy: Aw! That is the bare minimum amount of charming!
Ivy: You’re benefiting a lot from this being my first date.
Ivy: A gift! What is it?
Xavier: One of those potions you can use to find me hotter.
Ivy: What if I use it to find other people hotter?
Xavier: I might call the cops? Surely that’s illegal.
Ivy: It might be fun to find out.
Ivy: What a nice boy, trying to change me already.
Brady: Dude, could you not wait ten seconds.
Xavier: I’m making a soundtrack for our date.
♪ On this useless night ♪
♪ With you so far away ♪
♪ I stand in front of this Ferris Wheel ♪
Xavier: And I wonder WHAT AM I DOING HERE
Xavier: And I wonder WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!
Xavier: Or rather, why am I doing it with Ivy.
It’s a fair question.
Xavier: Hi. Do you know how incredibly hot you are?
Xavier: So incredibly.
Stephen: In the end, my kids are my kids.
Xavier: Clouds. Who needs ’em?
Xavier: Okay, I’ve done the rounds and you’re still the hottest.
Stephen: You don’t tell them that!
The Unsavoury Charlatan: Nice hop, bunny boy.
Ivy: I dunno, I feel like I can do better than you.
Xavier: Well I can’t do better than you.
Ivy: So you’re saying I have all the power! Interesting.
Xavier: I accept your charity.
Ivy: Wow, kissing is only like half as gross as I thought it would be!
Xavier: I guess I thought it would be less gross.
Green genocide please.
Xavier: That dude’s death is, like, the only thing that’s ever happened.
Ivy: I can’t believe I found someone who’s led a more boring life than I have.
Xavier: I know, we’re in a parking lot, and we’re dancing…
You’re safe. Not because I like you, but because I don’t like repeating gags.
Xavier: The Maker’s not gonna kill us tonight!
Ivy: What about tomorrow?
Xavier: Uh, only if our date goes badly.
Ivy: Well we can’t have that then.
Xavier: He didn’t actually say that.
Ivy: And I only kissed you because I knew the guilt would make you backtrack.
And then she threw jpeg compression all over him.
Ivy: I’m just trying to reduce his file size.
Xavier: Good idea, it’s getting huge right now.
Ivy: Ho boy.
Xavier: This has been a surprisingly good date.
Ivy: Why “surprisingly”?
Xavier: My presence is an automatic handicap.
Jade: They’ve been building that place for ages.
Yeah, well, you’ll fucking see why.
Victor: Whoah whoah whoah! You can’t just ugly up on a guy like that!
Ivy: Looks like you need more compression.
Xavier: Compress my lumps with yours, baby.
Xavier: Yes! I’ve graduated to one-liners! Being a teen is awesome.
Ivy: And you wear it acceptably.
Ivy: What disgusting music we make!
Xavier: I have to go home and change my pants.
Alvin: You’re looking lovely today.
That, is a counter.
Ian: My soul for a bit part.
Xavier: Can’t do nothin’ for you, son.
Wren: CENTRE THE ATTENTION ON ME
Why on earth won’t you leave.
Sullivan: We’re just two kisses passing in the night, red.
Ember: He’s right, you need to fuck off already.
Ivy: This is awesome. I’ve got a dude, and his sister can be my less-hot best friend!
Wren: Somebody decapitated our flamingo.
Xavier: We thought we’d get the awkward parental dinner out of the way early.
Ivy: So, what do you do for a living, Mrs. Fox-Murphy?
Wren: She’s a world-famous rock star.
Xavier: Don’t blame yourself, at least two or three people in the entire world haven’t heard of her.
Ivy: Hey man, thanks.
Xavier: I understand, you’re too indie for the mainstream.
Ivy: Hahaha, fuck off.
Xavier: I bet your favourite band uses gerbils to play tea cups.
Ivy: You’re getting to be a lot, buddy.
Xavier: I’m stupid with love, what can I say?
Ivy: You can not say “love” on a first date, for starters.
Why are you eating in your fucking BEDROOM?
Wren: Why is there a TABLE in our fucking bedroom?
Wren: THIS is why I was eating there.
Wren: I mean I guess she can be my less-hot best friend or something.
Xavier: I can’t breathe and I don’t care.
Wren: Everybody got focus today except me.
I would argue it wasn’t all positive focus.
Ivy: Okay, about that word you shouldn’t have used.
Xavier: Are you about to tell me I should grab your ass?
Xavier: Because I was already in the process.
Ivy: This escalated quickly.
Xavier: Man, you’re not kidding.
Ivy: Burglar of my heart.
Xavier: Okay! You’re not leaving. You’re getting into my bed. I’m sure that makes some kind of sense.
Xavier: Are we married now?
Ivy: Yes, and if you snore we’re getting a divorce.
Xavier: I don’t know if I snore. I’ve never listened to myself sleep.
Xavier: Girl in my bed!
That’s peak bed, my man!
Xavier: “Peak.” Yes. That’s the word.
Xavier: Luck status: pushing.
Ivy: I’ll allow it, but try anything funny and I’ll ass-mash your balls.
Wren: He does snore, just so’s you knows.
Bust of Tylopoda: I’m sorry, date flower, it’s just not working out between us.
Xavier: Do we not have a “sleep through the night” hack installed?
I thought we did. But then, it’s kind of difficult keeping track of my sixteen thousand CC files.
Wren: You’d better be planning a hot boyfriend for me.
Very little of my planning involves attractive men.
Wren: Well make me gay then.
Sure, we can do that.
Ivy: Mornin’ dude!
Xavier: Mornin’, hallucination!
Xavier: Wait, you must be real. I only hear Wren’s piano playing in my nightmares, not my dreams!
Elle: I could stand around like a dipshit. Make me playable.
Ivy: I had a great time!
Xavier: Move in with us?
Ivy: And leave my crazy dad and his weird new girlfriend? And my sister who already ran away? And my baby brother whose name I don’t remember? Wow it sounds pretty easy when I say it out loud like that.
Xavier: Wren might kill you in your sleep if she doesn’t get a boyfriend-
Wren: Or girlfriend.
Xavier: -or girlfriend, soon.
Ivy: I accept your generous offer.
Wren: He’s always generous with other people’s things.
Wren: Pretty brave dude, not asking mom.
Xavier: I guarantee you mom wants us living in sin.
Wren: That is almost certainly correct, yes.
Ivy: Oh boo, you guys get the creepy driver? I might have to reconsider everything.
Xavier: Hands off my girlfriend, dude.
Blazej: I can still leer, though, right?
Ember: ♪ Tell me, what is the use? ♪
♪ And I wonder ♪
♪ What is that doing there? ♪
Next time: f-f-f-flashback!
Because I f-f-f-forgot someone.
This chapter depicts gameplay from 23 April 2012.