The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 342

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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I’m really excited for 346.

This one’s okay too.

Good advertisement, huh?

You know, it’s one thing to regret moving in some rando townie.

It’s another thing entirely to regret moving in a sim you made.

I’d rather watch Ember asleep than Joshua awake.

Jewel: If you don’t want him, I do.

Ember: Are you plotting against my happiness again?

If your happiness is dependent on some shitty man, it’s a mistake I’ve made that I need to correct.

Ember: Um… while you’re correcting mistakes…

FOOMPF

Ember: I thought that was the teleportation sound!

Where do you think babies come from?

“Penny”: Buzz buzz, drone.

“Penny”: You can call me Queen Bee.

“Penny”: Success! I’ve found something to disrupt.

“Penny”: Hey there.
Joshua: Hey everywhere.

“Penny”: Those trees in the background are just props.
Joshua: .oO(Jewel doesn’t know neat trivia like that.)

“Penny”: I can kill a man with my bare hands.
Joshua: .oO(Jewel can’t kill a man with her bare hands! I hope, considering what I’m about to do.)

“Penny”: I like a man who keeps his thoughts to himself.

Heheh.

Penny against your thoughts.

Jewel: Hi leaving, how are you leaving today?

Joshua: With me, if she is.

Joshua: Wanna hang out in this house I found?

“Penny”: Only if it’s dangerous.

Joshua: Of course! There’s a pregnant woman in there who thinks we’re dating!
“Penny”: Blah blah! This is what you look like.

“Penny”: Don’t touch me too much, the disguise will come off.

Sullivan: It’s not a very good disguise.

You know who that is?

Sullivan: Of course. I never forget a fuck, and she was one craaaazy fucking fuck.

Sullivan: Hoping to make some new never-forgets today.

Sullivan: Hello! I am in your house now.
Ember: I was going to say something about that.

“Penny”: You’re hot.
Joshua: That’s a brag?
“Penny”: Considering the things I’m about to do to you, it is.

Joshua: Brag on.

“Penny”: Won’t your pregnant girlfriend miss you?
Joshua: Terrible or not, I’m pretty sure I can outrun her.

Joshua: And her stupid kids.

Joshua: They’re so stupid.

“Penny”: What about them specifically?
Joshua: I wanted to gossip but I don’t know any.

Ember: You’re weird. Do you fuck good?

Sullivan: I fuck weird.

Ember: That will do.

Joshua: Your eyes are oddly… unexpressive.
“Penny”: Maybe you’re just not inspiring.

Ember: All my relationships end up going wrong.
Sullivan: Perhaps you should consider the common denominator.
Ember: Me?
Sullivan: Relationships.

“Penny”: Okay, here’s some real gossip. My bruuuuuuuuhhhhh. Uh. William?
Joshua: …okay?

“Penny: He is the definition of cheating.

“Penny” He cheats on cheaters with other cheaters.

“Penny”: That’s your “O” face, huh? Not bad, not bad.

Sullivan: I’m just saying mischaracterization pisses me off. There is no way I got zombified and trapped in a fucking wall prison.

Ember: So wait, you’re not even a butler now, are you? Are you just a wandering force of weirdness?

Ember: That’s pretty hot.

…did we just crash again?

No, the timestamps are too close together. It took me half an hour to load the game to neighbourhood selection at this point.

I guess I just thought this was really important gossip.

Joshua: Was it really important?
“Penny”: Only if you’re trying to figure out my true identity, which I do not recommend.

Joshua: I feel unfulfilled, having lived this long with only one identity.

And it’s not even a good one.

Joshua: And it’s not even a good heyyyyy.

“Penny”: Let me show you something that will make you feel… young, as when the world was new!
Joshua: The Genesis cave?
“Penny”: That new cemetery up the hill.

“Penny”: I find death very life-affirming.

Sullivan: When you’ve lived as long as I have… why.

Sullivan: Why would you.

Joshua: She’s hot, but something’s off.

Could it be everything?

Joshua: Nah, it’s something else.

Ooh, I’ve started recording lot transitions!

The OCD was really starting to manifest back then.

Joshua: Friends of yours? Hahahaha.
“Penny”: Yes.

“Penny”: And enemies, and bystanders.

Joshua: Hey dead people, bet you wished you looked this good!

“Penny”: So many memories, all of them good.

“Penny”: Got enough fountains here?

There’s nothing else to do on the lot. Give it ten minutes and they’ll all be full of soap suds.

“Penny”: There’s a lot of empty space here. I’d better get crackin’.

“Penny”: Am I detecting a class system?

Red ones are playables, white ones are not.

The founders have their own colour, but I forget.

That’s Ally’s husband and kid, for example.

You don’t remember them.

You don’t remember her.

I think he’s trying to kiss you or something.

“Penny”: I have to say “hi” to everyone. I got most of them this gig, at least indirectly.

“Penny”: Oh, Lexie. I don’t remember why I killed you. I don’t even remember why I knew you.

“Penny”: In other news I’m haemorrhaging memories.

Joshua: We can make new ones!
“Penny”: The old ones were pretty great, though.

“Penny”: I hope you’ve got the stamina to compete with my rapidly fading life of crime.

Joshua: I heard this great piece of gossip today.

“Penny”: You are rapidly decreasing your chances of leaving here alive.

“Penny”: And they weren’t high to begin with.

“Penny”: Maybe they’ll let you pick out your own table.

The red one is Elizabeth. Should I stop telling you these things? Is it making you realize how much you’ve forgotten?

Joshua: Forgetting must be awful.
“Penny”: Yes, I treasure all my terrible memories.

Joshua: We’ll make the new ones terrific instead.
“Penny”: Ew, lame.

“Penny”: But maybe I’ll give it a shot.

“Penny”: Wow, you kiss way better than Andrew.
Joshua: The secret is not being a pansy.

“Penny”: Ooh, “Pansy.” That would have been a much better identity than “Poppy.” Where were you all those years ago?
Joshua: Didn’t exist.

“Penny”: The life of a townie is brief and silly.

Joshua: I’m not a townie, I’m a playable.

Until I get tired of playing you, that is.

“Penny”: I tell you, it’s hard to run an evil organization of evil when evil is dumb.
Joshua: I thought good was supposed to be dumb.
“Penny”: Apparently my agents never saw Spaceballs and don’t read TV Tropes.

If you’re here, who’s manning reception at the prison?

Myrtle: Nobody. The lot’s not loaded so nobody’s visiting.

I keep forgetting how terrifyingly insane your universe is.

Bill: Gives us a lot more free time, though.

FUCK RUN

“Penny”: And then there was that time I set up a secret identity for this former zombie bitch, and I made her overweight and ugly!
Joshua: You’re terrifying.
“Penny”: Aw, thank you!

“Penny”: I don’t think she’ll make a very good secret agent, though. She can’t outrun people and she’s too ugly to seduce anyone.

Joshua: This whole “you’re evil” thing is only now beginning to set in.

“Penny”: Embrace the darkness, buddy.

“Penny”: Embrace and snog.

Joshua: As long as you don’t kill me and I get laid, I think I can handle this.

“Penny”: Oh, you’re definitely getting laid.

Joshua: Up against one of the fountains, maybe?
Penny: Can you make it work, god?

Got my tools ready.

“Penny”: Got my tool ready, too!
Joshua: Ready and able.

“Penny”: I just called you a tool.
Joshua: What am I gonna do, argue?

“Penny”: You’re well-trained. It would be a shame to dispose of you.

These animations are so well done.

Except the part where they don’t map to attachment points.

So if the heights are different they don’t work.

And if the game goes insane the arms start clipping through the torsos.

You have that to look forward to.

Joshua: It’s good to have something to look forward to.
“Penny”: I wouldn’t get too far ahead of myself if I were you.

Joshua: These constant death threats are a bit of a turn-off.
“Penny”: But are they a Turn-Off?
Joshua: No.
“Penny”: Then they’re meaningless. Ignore them.

Joshua: Ignore the death threats. Got it.

Next time: he shouldn’t have ignored them.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 22 April 2012 to 23 April 2012.

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