The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 339

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

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In which much creative sexing.


If there’s a bustle in your Woodrows, don’t be alarmed now.

Alvin: Oh, hey, I didn’t know it did that!
Jewel: Yes. Beds can be made.
Alvin: I meant the kid doing it.

Alvin: You’re not in this chapter.
Jewel: I was just leaving.

Alvin: Wanna come over?
Theresa: Yes, but I don’t want to want it.

Jewel: Oh ho!
Theresa: Back at you.

I’m gonna try not to write dialogue for closed mouths anymore.

It won’t last long.

Theresa: So hey, your mom’s dead, right?

Alvin: The fuck are you doing.

Alvin: I wonder if it’s too late to get Jewel back.

Alvin: Parental death makes poor small talk.

Alvin: Also I told Ivy her mom went to a big farm upstate.

Kelsey: My mom’s visiting her mom!

I have trouble captioning any shot that includes the garage because I’m too busy staring at the roof, which is ALWAYS FUCKING DOWN.

Gonna traumatize this one too?

Theresa: If the mood takes me.

Yep, the mood took her alright.

Kelsey: Wow, him? You have seriously poor taste, pretty lady.

Theresa: I even let him kiss me. I think I might have a problem.

Theresa: He kisses like a broken dog.

Kelsey: You gonna be our new mom? All our old moms are dead.

Theresa: At least you had moms. I was born from somebody vigorously rubbing a random number generator.

Theresa: Also your mom is fine. She just resumed her old identity and forgot about you.

Theresa: Did I say something?

Kelsey: MY MOM DIDN’T BLOW UP?!
Theresa: Oh, I thought Ivy was your mom. Daisy? Definitely blew up.

Alvin: What you been up to, hot stuff?
Theresa: Trying to get the kids to run me off before I do something I’ll regret.

Theresa: It’s not working, oh god, I’m cleaning things.

Alvin: You are ridiculous hot, you know that?
Theresa: And yet look what I’m doing with it.

I know, I know. A cake is no substitute for a GARAGE ROOF.

♪ Where did we go wrong ♪

Theresa: You’re so hot.
Alvin: No, you’re so hot.
Ivy: No, it’s my birthday!

Ivy: I’m gonna blow these candles right up their noses.

Alvin: -toot-
Theresa: PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT

Alvin:

MOUTHS STILL SHUT

Alvin:
Theresa: Quit showing off.

Ivy: We need to think about our wishes carefully.
Kelsey: I WISH FOR CAKE

Kelsey: …I should have wished for good genetics.

Kelsey: I’m gonna pull these down so we don’t have to stare at the roofless garage anymore.

Ivy: You should’ve wished for my genetics!

Kelsey: I think I’m alright.
Ivy: But I’m ALL RIGHT!

Kelsey: I can tell you’ve aged, you’re being so mature right now.

Theresa: Your mom would be so proud of you! If she were a better person.

Kelsey: You really think so?
Theresa: Sure! She has low standards.

Kelsey: How old am I now?

Eighteen.

Kelsey: Good.

This kind of behaviour is why it’s eighteen.

Kelsey: Hey… did you know I was wearing contacts?

Here we go.

Kelsey: …what the fuck?

Kelsey: WHOSE EYES ARE THESE

Knowing won’t make you any happier.

Kelsey: These must be my dad’s eyes.

Nope.

Kelsey: LET ME HAVE MY DELUSIONS

Ivy: Man, I love my genes! And their certain provenance!

Kelsey: Hey, you spy?
Theresa: I spy!
Kelsey: Could you spy my little eyes?

Kelsey: WHOSE STOLEN BABY AM I

Theresa: I dunno, point them peepers skyward.

Theresa: Oh, HEY! Price eyes! You must be Chelsea’s stolen baby. Case closed!

Kelsey: Why am I only learning this now?!
Theresa: You’re slow?
Alvin: I’ve got the report cards to prove it!

Theresa: We would have tried harder to find you but we all pretty much thought Chelsea snorted you accidentally or something.

Theresa: ‘cuz your mom’s a dork I’ll have you know.

Theresa: Also you’re naked.
Kelsey: I get it honestly.

Theresa: Look on the bright side! You get to totally reinvent yoursefl! Because you don’t know who you are at all.

Kelsey: You can dress this face up but you can’t take it out.

Kelsey: I’m just gonna snap my own neck if that’s okay.

CRRRRCK

Alvin: She’s in a better place now.

Theresa: I dunno, I’m starting to think this place isn’t so bad. AND THAT SCARES ME.

Theresa: I hate that I like you.
Alvin: I hate that you hate that!

Alvin: Hahaha the founders won’t stay dead.

Ivy: BRUISE ME
Alvin: VIOLENT BONDING
Theresa: I really need to trim that bush.

Kelsey: I can’t even find joy in pointing out double entendres.

Ivy: Find meaning in pain, like I do!

Kelsey: I am, but I don’t like it.

Personalization! I must like you for some reason.

Kelsey: You show your affection with cheap products? You’re like a deadbeat dad god.

Kelsey: You know, I could get used to this look.

The “not dressed” look.

Kelsey: Clothes just get in the way in this town.

Theresa: I’m hardly in a position to disagree.

Are you seriously…?

Theresa: Shoot me before I do something rash.

Turn, turn, turn.

Kelsey: I hate narrative symmetry.

Theresa: Your name is Kelsey.
Kelsey: Yeah.
Theresa: Kelsey.
Kelsey: …yeah?
Theresa: Kelsey… Chel-
Kelsey: FUCK FUCK FUCK

It seemed super-obvious at the time.

Alvin: Wanna play marbles on my sparkly placemat?

Theresa: I’m not into subverting the speech balloons today.

Theresa: I’d rather talk about Science.

Alvin: Marry me?

Theresa: Ugh, phhhbbbbt, yes.

Theresa: I’m sad that I’m happy.

Alvin: I’m happy that you’re happy.

Theresa: Dammit, me too.

This is why genies should be a controlled substance.

“Gypsies” dropping them off at selected households does not count as “control.”

Kelsey: What’s wrong with fake gypsies?

Theresa: I’m glad my standards have gone down.

Alvin: Me too.

Theresa: You’re glad my standards have gone down, or yours have too?
Alvin: I mean, mine have, but you’re way above even the old ones.

Kelsey: brb barfing forever

Theresa: We’ve got a whole lifetime to do this sappy shit.
Alvin: That doesn’t mean we need to do less of it.

Kelsey: On second thought I’mma keep on walking.

Alvin: Hey, the family panel just changed.
Theresa: The baby must have died. Has anyone seen him?

Alvin: Oh god, I hope you’re right.

Ivy: THE BABY HAS A NAME

What’s his name, then?

Ivy: Right? Can you believe she didn’t know? Sheesh.

Ladies and gentlemen, the deep state.

Theresa: Kitty was beneath you, you know.
Alvin: Yep, that’s how babies, alright.

BATTER UP

I laughed, fuck you.

It’s either bad puns or this, take your pick.

Theresa: This.

Theresa: Thank you for reframing our moment.

Alvin: Do you think this makes us less likely to get killed off?
Theresa: We’re low-level secret agents. We’re the definition of cannon fodder. They’ve got redshirts on Agents of Shield and their agency isn’t even supposed to exist.

Yeah, talking about Agents of Shield with a girl would turn me on, too.

FitzSimmons 4eva.

Okay I’m done with this.

You’re done with it now too.

Theresa: I’ve got an idea for what to start with, then.

Theresa: How good are your shocks?

Alvin: Pretty shocking good!

Alvin: Watch those nails on the seats, please.

BONK

Theresa: HOLY FUCKING OW

Theresa: Holy fucking cow!

Alvin: WHAT A LOVELY BREEZE

Theresa: FEEL THAT HORSEPOWER

Alvin: Horsepower. Hobby horse! My hobby is science.
Theresa: Get your word association out of my vagina.

Theresa: Your penis can stay.

So THIS is why she was eyeing the hedges earlier.

Now I feel stupid for blowing the Zeppelin joke on the intro.

Theresa: …how much do you weigh.

Alvin: That much.

Getting pretty creative.

Maybe I’ll have them make expressions soon.

Theresa: We’re making faces, just only when you can’t see.

That’s a good excuse, it’s canonical now.

It’s like how they change the dialogue on shows sometimes when the actor is facing away from the camera.

Only they don’t usually hang a lampshade on the process.

Theresa: Does this thing actually move?
Alvin: It’s resting.
Theresa: I MEANT THE SWING

Alvin: It does, but I’m not much of a swinger.

Theresa: Just hangin’ out with the ol’ balls-and-chains.
Alvin: Ha!

Alvin: I got that entire joke.
Theresa: So proud of you, honey.

Alvin: Wiggle wiggle.

Theresa: Your hips on strike or something?
Alvin: I call this move “The Butter Churner.”

Theresa: Oof! Shift that stick a bit, would you.

Theresa: And go easy on the clutch.

I hope you’re all enjoying this as much as I apparently was.

Alvin: I can’t speak for the audience, but I’m doing great.
Theresa: You’re doing alright.

Ivy: What the trash?!

Theresa: Incoming!
Alvin: I have your permission?!

Ivy: Are you my mother?

Alvin: Don’t move. She can’t see you if you don’t move.

Theresa: We’ve made that joke before.
Alvin: What can I say? I froze.

Alvin: Hi honey!
Theresa: Your dad’s just checking my tire pressure!

Theresa: With his PENIS!

Alvin: The points don’t do it justice.
Ivy: DAD FUCKER!
Theresa: Not ALL dads!

Theresa: Only yours.

Alvin: You’re naked again.
Theresa: I like seeing your kid squirm.

Alvin: I am super excited not to be naked in front of her.
Theresa: You’re no fun.

Alvin: My choice of clothing says otherwise!

Alvin: Also I love you.

Theresa: That’s not funny.
Alvin: Not everything has to be funny.
Theresa: Don’t pull the drama tag yet, I’m not ready to die.

Alvin: Don’t redirect our readers to better stories, please.

Ivy: Night Kel.

Alvin: Sorry bud, new chick stole the show today.

Alvin: What’s your name, anyway?

Irvin: It’s not Raffi, I tell you what.

Irvin: Let me tell you where you can put your “banana phone.”

Alvin: I should try having kids with a normal person.

It took me a long time to realize that that’s an image of a step.

Babies think about it when they want to access something up or down a set of stairs.

Adults think about it when the game is fucking broken.

Uh… I think your Smart Milk’s going bad.

Alvin: Whew! On second thought don’t come to papa, smelly.

Alvin: Kids are gross.

Mornings are grosser.

Ivy: Mornin’ Kel.

Ivy: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SISTER

These weeds are revolting.

By which I mean they’ve grown enough to develop a class consciousness and stage a revolt.

Jennifer: Where’s the ugly one?

Jennifer: Uglier, I mean.

Alvin: Ahh, what dreams may cling. To my sheets.

Ugh.

Next time: a revelation.

Alvin: I was making a semen joke.

A much less disgusting revelation. If equally obvious.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 16 April 2012.

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