The Sharpesvale Chronicles, Chapter 336

Welcome to the Sharpesvale Chronicles, an ongoing neighbourhood story in The Sims 2!
Warning: this journal may contain uncensored nudity, violence, profanity and sexual themes.

Updates whenever I damn well please!

If the images in this chapter are broken, read it at gruglysims.ca instead!

Admittedly it would have been funny to just upload a bunch of chapters right at the beginning of the year and then stop.

But this story has places to go, people to do, people to kill.


Margaret: This house is lit.

Stephen: It’s probably gonna kill us all.
Margaret: Meh. Something is.

So you might as well do it yourself?

I’m listening to disco music and watching this.

It’s the best.

That combination, not disco music itself.

Disco music itself is kinda the worst.

Amar: This has been one hell of a tour of duty.

Stephen: Off to work. Enjoy whatever you’re doing, whyever you’re doing it.

Interested?

Vicki: I’m seeing William Sharpe.

You’re right, in terms of egotistical mania Stephen would just be a lateral move.

Vicki: My whole life is lateral moves.

Vicki: Clearly this chick has it all figured out.

Amar: Ooh, are you gonna kill me?
Vicki: What? No!
Amar: Aw.

I never remember what people did to cause this.

Vicki: It’s not the crime that matters, it’s the punishment.

Amar: PUT MY BOULDER BACK ON THE HILLTOP

Margaret: Yes, I got the reference, you can stop staring now.
Amar: You think that’s why I’m staring.

Amar: Oh look, her self-consciousness finally kicked in.

I don’t know who she’s talking to, I’m just leaving this in here to attract the pregnancy fetishists.

Any readers in a no-reader storm.

If you’re into watching kids shit, though, please leave.

Which isn’t to say this will be the end of shitting in this story, because hahaha no.

Not even in this chapter.

I like how the toddler hug face really captures the mushy terrified confusion of a toddler’s brain.

Felix: .oO(My brain is mushy?!)

One of the best features of TS2 is how you put a lot of work into renovating a house and landscaping the yard, and then you hit “play” and your Sims walk around going “FUCK ALL OF THIS”

Opal: Thanks Brit!
Brittany: No old people get to call me “Brit.”

Opal: Cool story, BRIT.

This image basically sums up nannies.

Opal: Going to the gym, fatty?

Margaret: Fat jokes are beneath you.

Are they beneath you? Oh, wait, you don’t know, because you can’t see what’s beneath you.

Margaret: Because I’m fat.

Which is good.

Margaret: Fat is good?

It had better be, because I haven’t exercised in months.

Opal: I’m bored with these things.

Opal: I wonder how this shit tastes.

Opal: Oh, good, they feed themselves!

Opal: I think this one’s broken.

Opal: You gonna hang out here all day?

Why, you want to masturbate on the couch or something?

Opal: …well now I do!

Brittany: Want me to take her out?

Stephen: I want to take her out.

Stephen: And make babies with her.
Opal: My fee scales.

Stephen: No, see, that goes in the can.
Opal: The can was on the ground.
Stephen: OH SO GARBAGE GOES ON GROUND NOW THEN HUH

Stephen: Wave at the running joke as it goes by!
Opal: Bye running joke!

Opal: You’re standing in garbage.

Stephen: WHAT THE YES

Stephen: What’s your name?
Kay Turner: Kay Turner.
Stephen: How does one turn a kay?
Kay: I’ll figure it out if the need ever arises.

Kay: Hey, aren’t you that famous artist?
Stephen: Depends on which famous artist you’re thinking of.

Opal: He does nudie photos.
Kay: I’m a nudie!
Stephen: Could I photo you?!

Stephen: And also et cetera you?
Kay: I am totally up for some et cetera today.

Stephen: I’m looking at your tits and picturing your real haircut.
Kay: That’s weird.

Stephen: Not all superpowers are super useful.

Stephen: Wanna come see an empty lot?
Kay: That does sound exciting.

Stephen: It’s called the Stephen Murphy Studious Sidelot.

Studios. Why can’t I type that? I even misspelled it twice in the upcoming header images.

Stephen: Ahemglebargle. The Stephen Murphy Studios Sidelot.
Kay: That’s a pretty pretentious name.
Stephen: What’s pretentious about “Stephen Murphy”?

Kay: From what I hear, everything is pretentious about Stephen Murphy.
Stephen: Shall we pretense on over, then?

Kay: I already said yes, quit stalling.

And then she turned into Myrtle.

Myrtle: She did? I did?

Myrtle: Anyway I just stopped by to say how cool you are.
Stephen: “Stopped by” on your way from the prison to… where, exactly?
Myrtle: THAT’S HOW COOL YOU ARE

Myrtle: Don’t do the boobs thing to me, though.

It’s charming when Sims whip objects out of the ether when they’re dressed, and gross when they do it undressed.

Myrtle: Okay, well, thanks for the cameo!

Stephen: Shall we go, Kay?
Kay: I’m trying to figure out why there’s domestic animals in the trees.

Kay: And why we’re hugging suddenly.

Stephen: Animal magnetism.

Stephen: Also we’re horny.

Kay: How do you know I’m horny?
Stephen: Your athletic wear isn’t exactly subtle.

Margaret: Oh Christ what’s he doing.

Kay: Well, it was fun while it lasted.
Stephen: It’s still lasting.

Margaret: I brought a jealousy magnet home!
Stewart: To combat that animal magnetism you think you have!

Margaret: Also I’m rich now.
Stewart: If you weren’t rich before…
Margaret: Yes?
Stewart: …that car?

Margaret: I sculpted it at work out of silly putty.
Stewart: I knew I recognized that tantalizing sheen!


Kay: I like a man with a big black building.

Stephen: She’s good! With the mind games.

Also yes, I fixed the header images before I uploaded.

Stephen: How very studious of you!

Yeah, fuck off.


Stephen: You really needed to let them know we moved over a few squares?

It’s a lot transition and I have OCD so fuck off.

Kay: Wow, this really is an empty lot.

An empty lot for an empty, empty NPC.

Kay: I’ve got it where it counts.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: You’ve got it where it SHOULDN’T BE!

Grugly Prime: This is what birds do!

No they don’t.

Stephen: Check out this bird!

Kay: This isn’t as private as I’d hoped.

Stephen: Luckily I don’t care.

Dat lighting, though.

Luckily I’m a god.

Stephen: Say “Cheesecake”!

He’s not wrong.

Stephen: And she’s alright.

As in “alright, that’s enough.”

Stephen: Enough is good enough.


Stewart: Why am I even here?

Like, ever?

Stewart: No, I mean-

Like why are you EVER here? I agree.

Patrick: I’m just saying I wear it better.

Stephen: Hi whoever you are!
Kay: I’m the chick you just photographed!
Stephen: Nonsense! The chick I just photographed was naked.

Stewart: Oh my god my dad’s a jerk.

That has been the case since long before you were born.

It’s a cold, cold case.

Margaret: I wish other cases were that cold.

Kay: Isn’t that your wife over there?
Stephen: Maybe? Who cares?

Kay: Maybe she cares?
Stephen: Pff, that sounds like her.

Stephen: Hey, who turned out the lights?
Kay: It’s night-time now.
Stephen: No, I just think I need a haircut.

Stewart: You need a headcut.

That’s a picture of your brother.

Stewart: We Murphys all look the same.

Because Stephen’s genes are as aggressive as his morals are loose.

Stewart: You steal my girl and cheat on her?!
Stephen: Yes! That’s what everyone does!

Stewart: MARGARET DESERVES BETTER
Stephen: Better exists?

Stephen: Nothing better than me exists!

Stewart: Of course she also deserves to fall off a cliff.

Margaret: Get your rocks off?
Stephen: Only my tongue rocks.

Stephen: I wish I’d been able to kiss the first chick.

Those were the same person.

Stephen: Then why did you say “those” instead of “they,” professor?

Felix: He’s got you there.

Kay: Hey man, you wanna go get over yourself or something?
Stewart: NEVER

Margaret: I’m gonna get brain cancer, aren’t I.

Fucking Stewart and his MP3 player.

Fucking everyone and their MP3 players.

Uninterruptable actions are one of the very worst things about this game.

Stewart: STRUMPET FLOWERS

Margaret: No. No hugs. Go bug daddy.

Stephen: I’VE ALREADY BEEN DADDY-BUGGED

Stephen: Go away, lady!
Stewart: …it’s me? Stewart?
Stephen: NEVERTHELESS

Stephen: Boring day.
Margaret: Boring life.
Stephen: Wish we were evil.

Stephen: Evil people get the best storylines.

He says this next to a naked picture he took of someone else’s wife.

Stephen: Wife stealing is pretty rad!
Margaret: You should see how many rads I’ve picked up today!

Margaret: Can we talk?
Stephen: You can. I’m asleep.

♪ Late at night, a big ol’ house gets lonely ♪

Margaret: It’s not even that big.

♪ I guess every form of refuge has its price ♪

Margaret: Nothing is worth stubbing your goddamn TOE

♪ And it breaks her heart, to think her love is only ♪

Margaret: ♪ Watching hover-shits and drinking pumpkin-spice ♪

Nice try, but it’s Coke. I hate coffee.

Margaret: I just wanted the Eagles to stop.

You’re right, he is shit.

See?

Jesus CHRIST.

♪ You can’t hiiiiiiiide ♪

Margaret: FUCK OFF

♪ Your lyin’ eyes ♪

Vicki: What are we doing?

♪ And your smiiiiiiyeeeeeuch.

Stephen: Cock got your tongue?

Fiona: WHAT ARE THESE THINGS

BONK

Margaret: Ow! Careful with my portrait.

Just fucking walk AROUND it.

Serial killer plotting outside your house: bad.

Serial killer descending to minor property crimes: less bad?

Next time: Stewart and Rosemarie.

More bad.

This chapter depicts gameplay from 15 April 2012.

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